Katerina was leaned forward over the bar, shouting her order to the bartender when a cool breeze forced the hair on the back of my neck to stand on end. I shivered and looked over my shoulder, scanning the crowd. There were dancing couples and rowdy groups of tourists. I watched a few girls shout in unison, clink their shot glasses overhead, and then down them with looks of mirthful disgust. Their groans and shudders made me smile.
Katerina nudged my arm to alert me that our drinks had arrived, but I was frozen in place, staring at the front where the bar spilled out into the street. There, standing in the fringe, was Gianluca, cast in the hazy yellow light of the street.
HE WAS AN absolute dream in his black t-shirt, jeans, and boots. His hair looked dark and damp, his eyes a few shades darker. His hands were stuffed into his jean pockets and he was staring straight at me, his expression indiscernible from that distance.
My stomach squeezed tight as I blinked, just to be sure it was him that was attracting the stares of every woman he passed. He’d begun to weave toward us through the crowd and I felt sick. I wasn’t ready to see him; I hadn’t collected my thoughts and composure. I had been hoping to have a few more days for my head and my heart to compare notes.
Katerina shook my arm, pointing to the drinks on the bar. She needed help carrying them. She hadn’t spotted Gianluca yet and she was complaining that I’d gone catatonic on her. I opened my mouth to tell her he was there, but I couldn’t seem to form the words.
My hands shook as I grabbed the three beers. I focused on them as we weaved through the crowd, so anxious that Gianluca would come up behind me I jumped out of my skin when a girl accidently bumped into me. In the end, we reached the group at the same time. Everyone cheered when they saw him, excited to see their friend. I couldn’t force myself meet his eyes.
Having finished dancing while we had been away, they were back to sitting in a circle and chatting. I handed off the beers and took my seat beside Katerina again. Someone found a seat for Gianluca and he sat down across from me, so far away I’d have to shout if I wanted to talk to him.
I could feel several eyes trained on me. Katerina and Massimo’s flicked over to me repeatedly like I was a teetering Jenga tower ready to crumble. I straightened my spine and forced a smile in a concerted effort to disappoint them, then turned to Paolo and goaded him into telling another story.
Gianluca and I were neck and neck in a competition for who could be the quietest in the group. Sofia tried several times to bait him into conversation, but he offered up one-word answers and sipped the beer Katerina had passed to him.
Tonight calls for beer.
It felt so miserable sitting there and pretending Gianluca and I were complete strangers. We were acting as though nothing had ever happened between us, good or bad, and the longer the night continued, the angrier I became. Why had he even bothered coming? Surely Massimo had told him I’d be here. He couldn’t come round to collect his tools, but he could come out and ruin the mood of the entire group? Well, I suppose he was only ruining my mood, which was admittedly not filled with sunshine to begin with. Everyone else was continuing on with their night like there wasn’t this massive elephant in the room, but I couldn’t do it. I handed my still-full beer to Katerina and went to find the loo. I suspected Gianluca might follow after me, but he didn’t. I queued forever, went in to wash my hands, and then went back to the group. Gianluca wasn’t there when I returned; Katerina pointed to the bar, where he and Massimo were talking animatedly.
“Are you upset that he’s here?” she asked in a hushed tone. “Because we can leave if you want.”
I shook my head, trying to play the role of the cool girl. If Gianluca could sit in a group and face me, then I would show him that I wouldn’t go running off either.
A little while later everyone decided to migrate to a restaurant down the street for a late-night meal. I stuck close to Katerina and Paolo pulled Gianluca ahead, going on about some work that needed to be done at the farm. I wanted to shout at him, shake him, shove him, something. I needed to know what he was thinking, how the last few days had been for him. Was he missing me or was he glad to have the separation?
There was only one restaurant in Corniglia still open and they didn’t have much room for a group our size. They put us at a few tables outside, pushing them together so we’d all fit. I took a seat in the middle, silently daring Gianluca to take the seat beside me, but Paolo and Katerina swooped in first and I stifled a groan. Gianluca pulled out the chair at the head of the table and an overwhelmed waiter went round to pass out menus to everyone. I ordered an orange juice, too anxious to munch on anything of substance, but Katerina promised me I could nibble on her pasta.
Every few minutes, I’d work up the courage to glance over at Gianluca, and going on looks alone, he was as miserable as I was—beautifully miserable. His brows were furrowed and his lips were pulled into a tight frown, like he was trying to work something out in his head. He noticed me staring once and I whipped my head to the other side of the table quick enough that I hoped he hadn’t noticed. No doubt I’d strained something in my neck.
“Georgie, how is the building? Il Mare?” Sofia asked from across the table. Her English was clouded by a beautiful Italian accent, and though her words were a bit choppy, it wasn’t hard to decipher what she meant.
“It’s nearly finished. We have our first guest coming tomorrow.”
Her eyes lit up. “Stupefacente!”
I could feel Gianluca’s attention on me just before the food arrived, and everyone turned to their meals, eating as though they’d starved themselves all day. There was talk of continuing the party at Katerina’s flat, but I was exhausted from wearing a mask for the last few hours. I stayed noncommittal, planning on taking the train back with everyone but escaping to my room when we reached Vernazza. Gianluca kept silent, and I suspected he was planning on going to the after-party and would be glad when he realized I’d bailed. But then, when we all piled into the last train back to Vernazza, Gianluca took the seat beside me before anyone else could. I stiffened and stared out the window, desperate for an escape from the harsh fluorescent lighting of the train.
“I think we should talk,” he said, bending low to whisper the words against my hair. His voice sent a shiver down my spine. That voice had driven me to highs more times than I could count and I squeezed my eyes closed, willing the memories to pass. I swallowed down the emotion bubbling inside of me, but it was futile. He was so close to me then, his thigh pressed against mine, his scent wrapped around me.
I nodded, reviewing the conclusions I’d arrived at in the days since we last spoke. I knew Gianluca wasn’t ready for love—would never be ready for love—but that didn’t erase my feelings, my love. I could pretend things were casual. I could tell him he meant less to me than he really did if it meant things could go back to the way they were before.
I couldn’t go on like this, pretending I was all right. I needed to have him so desperately I’d accept whatever he had to offer. I’d take his body and his time and allow Allie to reign in his heart. I’d keep my judgements to myself. I’d laugh and smile and give him a happy-go-lucky version of myself if only it meant I could drag him back to that room at Il Mare and feel his weight on top of me again, his mouth on my thighs, his hands on my breasts, his moans against my ear.
There was a sort of power in deciding to keep things casual. It meant there’d be no more surprises. He wasn’t meant to be my forever, but forever was a long way away. I could live in the moment and soak him in while I was still able to, right?
I stayed quiet the rest of the ride home, trying to work out my words in my head. We waved goodbye at the train station and I promised to see Katerina for dinner the next day. Gianluca and I set off and there was thick silence in the air. Eventually, as we rounded the corner into the square, I just dove right in, as if we were in the middle of a conversation.
“We got so heavy so fast, didn’t we? We were cooped up in that bed and b
reakfast so long, and we both had needs, and we just didn’t give ourselves enough time to define the boundaries. There was no need for me to freak out like I did when I woke up and found Al…Allie’s stuff.” I wasn’t sure what it would feel like to talk about her openly with him, to say her name. I didn’t like the taste of it, but I tried to keep my face neutral. “I’ll admit, I had no right to freak out like I did. You—”
He tried to cut me off, but I trudged on, forcing my point.
“She was—is the love of your life. I don’t want to replace her, and I don’t want you to have to pick me over her.” I paused and turned back to him. “This thing between us is wonderful, but we’ve agreed that it’s temporary, so let’s keep it like that, yeah? I won’t be in Vernazza forever and I’m sure I’ll eventually find someone who’s a little better suited to me.” I smiled to emphasize my point, though the idea of meeting someone else overwhelmed me with an immense sadness.
He looked torn. “I don’t want it to end either, but I also don’t want you to waste your time on me. You’re beautiful, Georgie. You’ve got this thing about you, a real magnetism that everyone can see. I don’t want you to wait around for me to move on, because honestly, I don’t know when these feelings are supposed to pass. I can’t give you a timeline.”
No, no. I wanted to be with him. I needed to be with him. It wasn’t wasted time, not at all.
“Right now, I don’t want anyone else. How’s that? I want to be with you—warts and all.”
He smiled and my heart skipped a beat. I felt a bit wild standing there, exhausted from the past few days and drunk with the selfish need to have him take me back. My breathing kept catching short of a lungful and my stomach was in knots, waiting to drop. I felt like sinking to my knees and begging him, pleading with him to forget about our fight, to forget how I’d reacted. I was calmer now, more levelheaded. I could share him. I could contain my greed this time. He would be the wound and the bandage.
“I’m sorry. About the other day…what I said, I didn’t mean that. I just got so angry when you brought up Allie—”
After everything, it still hurt when he said her name, like he was grazing my heart with the point of a dagger.
I shook my head and reached for his hands. “Let’s drop it, yeah? Let’s go back to the bed and breakfast and I’ll make us some tea. You can tell me if you like the furniture I added yesterday and we can pretend like this never happened, right?”
God, I was starting to sound desperate. I needed to pretend like there was no Allie and that Gianluca was the type of man who could love me if only I gave him enough time.
Sad, right?
To still pine for a man who’d told me time and time again that he didn’t fancy me like that. All my life I’d imagined myself a strong woman. I’d never let a man rule my life, had always been the one to walk away. I kept myself at a cool distance, and now suddenly I was more than happy to take any scraps Gianluca could spare, like a hungry stray.
He looked a bit pained as he nodded, like he wasn’t quite convinced, but it was
decided then. On the surface, Gianluca and I would stay the same. He’d tease me and I’d give it right back. He’d come around to the B&B and we’d spend our days together. We’d never go on official dates, but we didn’t need to. We had something better: a life together.
“Georgie, what’s that?”
I hummed and followed the path of his finger. A tiny white kitten sat on the steps of Il Mare, waiting for me. I’d seen it a few times over the last few days. The first time was the morning after Gianluca and I had our massive fight. I had thought it was a sign then, but I’d kept my distance in case it had a home. Several stray cats lived well in Vernazza, after all. But the day before, after struggling with what to do, I’d set out a bit of water and food, just in case. He hadn’t been there when Katerina had come round to drag me out for the night, but he was there now. He hopped up and started twisting in circles as we drew closer, excited to see me. I bent down, scratched behind his ear, and then picked him up in my arms.
“What are you doing?”
“I’m going to let him in for the night. It’s chilly out here, and he hasn’t got as much blubber as the others.”
“You can’t, Georgie. He’s got fleas.”
“No, I promise you he doesn’t.” I didn’t tell him I’d bought special shampoo and bathed the kitten the day before in the kitchen sink. “Mopsie just wants a warm place to sleep for the night.”
He didn’t bother fighting me as I opened the door and carried the cat inside. He was too focused on the name.
“Mopsie?”
I smiled. “He needed a proper name.”
“So let me know when he’s found one. How’s he supposed to go around and pick up lady cats with a name like Mopsie?”
“Why does he need lady cats when he’s got me?”
Gianluca laughed and shook his head, at a loss for words.
“You can keep him for a day or two, but then you’ll have to see about getting him a home somewhere else.”
I nodded, knowing by his retreat that Mopsie was as good as mine. Neither of us was alone in Vernazza anymore.
“Is that a litter box? Have you already been keeping this kitten with you?”
“Why isn’t that a coincidence…” (Yes, there was technically a litter box set up on the first floor, but I was going to move it somewhere away from the guests before Taylor arrived in the morning.)
“And there are toys everywhere…”
Just a few trinkets. Kittens need stimulation, after all.
“Georgie…”
“Hey, don’t look at me—Mopsie picked everything out himself! Now come on, let’s go to bed and we’ll talk it over in the morning.”
Really, I couldn’t bear another argument. I needed Gianluca to follow me into the bed and breakfast and come into my room. I needed tangible proof that we were back to normal. I set the kitten down with a few toys inside my room and then dimmed the lights. Moonlight streamed in from the window as I tugged my dress overhead. Gianluca was there immediately, stroking his hand up the side of my body, over my waist and ribs. His touch was feather-light, as if he were nervous to scare me away. I was glad to be facing away from him so he couldn’t see my eyes squeeze shut or the look of heartbreak on my face. His fingers gripped me tight and pulled me back against him. There was no better feeling than being wrapped in his arms and I could almost convince myself he was about to make love to me.
It truly felt like it. He swore he missed me, saying it in English and Italian so many times that I believed him. His mouth and hands were everywhere, moving over me with a sort of greed that convinced me I’d done the right thing. I couldn’t stand how good it was, how excruciatingly painful it felt to have his mouth on mine again. He kissed me slowly and passionately as I dragged my hand up to cradle the back of his neck. I pulled him closer and his mouth moved over mine, kissing me hard and not pulling away until I was nearly breathless. We weren’t good at everything together, but we’d mastered this.
He pushed me back onto the bed, pulling my panties down with a sharp tug. He worked on his jeans, unzipping them quickly and then spreading my thighs on the bed. He crawled back on top of me, using his knees to keep my thighs split as he slid inside, spreading me as I cried out.
It was different than before—frenzied. He pulled back and held my hips and thrust back into me. I’d never been taken like that before, over and over. It was pain and it was bliss, agony and ecstasy. He held me hostage, possessing me body and soul.
I clung to his shoulders and let out soft moans when he thrust back in all the way. His fingers found their way between my thighs as my legs wrapped around his waist. The position offered no reprieve; I was at his mercy as he circled his fingertips, faster and faster.
“I…Gianluca—”
I was so close to crumbling. My hands fisted his hair. He sped up his rhythm, dropping his mouth to capture my lips. His tongue swirled with mine as my legs started
to convulse. Tiny sparks started to spread and I knew he could feel me come around him. He pumped into me a few more times, finding his own release with a powerful shudder and a soul-stealing kiss.
After, we stayed there, him still inside me as I struggled to catch my breath.
I kept my eyes squeezed closed and I could sense him doing the same, clinging to the moment for as long as possible.
Eventually, I tried to move, but my muscles ignored my brain’s commands. It was with loads of effort that I eventually sat up. Gianluca pulled back, kissed my cheek, and pulled me to stand. We washed up and got ready for bed in sated silence. I met his gaze in the mirror while we were brushing our teeth and he offered up a guarded smile. We weren’t yet out of the woods, but there was hope for us, I thought.
I HADN’T EXPECTED Georgie to push the idea of keeping things casual between us. After our dramatic blowup, I’d been a wreck, trying to decide how to proceed without hurting her. The way she’d looked at me after she’d found Allie’s things…it was as if I’d been cheating on her. She’d wanted to make me feel guilty for keeping Allie’s things and I’d jumped down her throat, angry with myself more than her.
The truth was, I couldn’t offer her my future. Pinning it on some undying love for Allie was an oversimplification: in reality, things were much more complicated. Sure, I still thought about Allie on most days, and I did love all the memories we’d made together, but the reason I couldn’t move on had very little to do with eternal devotion to my dead wife. It was more like I was trying to climb a new mountain when I’d left all my ropes and harnesses on the previous one. I just wasn’t equipped with any of the tools to safely ascend, which led to the inevitable fall with Georgie.