“I don’t care if you hear this, Cash. I need to apologize to you, too.” Cash finishes his second plate of food and refills his coffee.
“It’s over now,” I say. “We can go home and figure things out from here.”
Sylas opens his mouth to say something, but then just nods.
“We should get going,” Cash says. God, the last thing I want to do is get on another plane.
I expect Sylas to say no. That he wants to stay and give it another go. But he’s silent as Cash starts packing their things up.
“Sylas?” I ask. He doesn’t answer. I try again. “Sylas, are you still with us?” I’m afraid he’s going to go away again.
“I’m here,” he says in a soft voice.
“Are you okay with leaving?”
“Sure,” he says, which isn’t exactly an answer, but it’s probably as good as we’re going to get.
I head for the bathroom to wash my face and brush my teeth. I also change my clothes and when I come out Sylas and Cash are also in different clothes. Cash uses the bathroom and then Sylas has his turn. I hang out near the door, just in case. Not that I think he’s going to do anything, but he’s in such a fragile state, I don’t want to take any risks.
We check out of the hotel at seven and then we’re on our way to the airport. The first flight out is at ten, so we have some time to kill at the airport. I wish we could just hop on a plane and be gone, but that’s just not going to happen.
Cash decides to go on a coffee run since we could all still use it. I’m left alone with Sylas. He’s been quiet since we left the hotel and I can’t get a read on him.
“I’m worried about you,” I say as a few more people sit down at the gate to wait for our flight. I try not to envy their lives, but I do.
“I know,” Sylas says, but that’s it.
I can’t seem to get a conversation going with him, so I stop trying. I get on my phone and start scrolling through social media just to pass the time. Cash comes back with coffee and scones for all and I stuff my face again. Sylas just stares at his and sips his coffee carefully.
Messing around on my phone gets boring after a few minutes, so I start talking to Cash. Not about anything in particular, just casual stuff. Nothing that could trigger Sylas. It helps us pass the time until we can finally get on the flight. We have two seats together and then one across the aisle.
“Sit with me?” I ask Sylas, even though Cash’s seat is next to mine.
“Sure,” he says and I ask Cash if it’s okay. He’s fine with it, especially when a cute blonde is in the seat next to him. Before the flight is even full, he’s got her laughing. He works fast.
Sylas is staring straight ahead and I have to touch his arm when the flight attendant asks him if he wants anything to drink. He says no and I briefly consider ordering alcohol, but it’s still so early. I get a Coke instead.
“Are you sure you don’t want anything?” I’m struggling to reach him, even though he’s sitting right next to me and our arms are touching on the armrest.
“I’m fine,” he says, but he’s anything but. He’s so far from fine. I take a risk and intertwine my fingers with his. He lets me and I hope that’s progress.
“You’re missing class,” he says as the flight attendant does the little safety presentation no one pays attention to.
“It’s okay. I emailed them and said I had a family emergency. It’s not a complete lie. You’re my family. And I’ve barely ever missed before, so I can get away with it.” That’s the truth. It’s one of the upsides of being a good student. When you need to get away with something, it’s a hell of a lot easier.
“Oh,” he says. “You didn’t need to come down, though.”
“It’s okay. Stop saying that. I don’t regret it and I’m glad I was here.” He makes a frustrated sound as we start to taxi from the gate.
“Are you mad at me for coming?”
“No, no.” I’m not convinced.
“What was I supposed to do?” I’m trying to keep my voice low so no one can overhear us, but it’s not easy. Cash is busy with the blonde and it’s just Sylas and me. I glance around and find that everyone is occupied with their phones or magazines and isn’t paying attention to us. Good.
“You were so angry when I left. I didn’t think I was ever going to see you again.” What is he talking about? Sure, I was angry with him, but that didn’t mean I was going to cut him out of my life. And in the end, he did need me.
“Let’s not talk about this right now. We can talk when we get home. You must still be tired. Go to sleep and we’ll deal with it later.” He squeezes my hand and gives me a look before closing his eyes and leaning his head back. Moments later, his breath is slow and even and I can tell he’s asleep.
I keep our fingers wrapped around each other and try to join him in sleep.
Seventeen
I do end up getting a few moments of sleep until I’m jostled awake by the plane touching down. Sylas is out cold again and doesn’t wake until I shake his shoulder. His eyes fly open and he freaks out for a minute.
“We landed,” I say and he starts to calm down. I don’t know what he was dreaming of, but it wasn’t something good.
Things are a little weird as we get off the plane and exit the airport.
“Did you drive here, or…” I say. My car is parked in the garage, so I can drive us all if need be.
“No, we took a cab,” Cash says. I tell him I have my car, so we head to the parking garage. Sylas walks robotically with us. Cash automatically gets in the backseat so Sylas can sit next to me in the front.
“Do you want me to drop you off at your place?” I ask Cash as I get back on the highway and head toward the city.
“Sure.” He gives me the address and I punch it into my phone so the GPS can take me there. Even though I don’t need it. I already know where he lives, but I don’t say that.
I can’t handle the silence, so I turn on the radio. Of course, like it was waiting for me, “Take Me to Church” is the first song that comes on. I look for a reaction from Sylas out of the corner of my eye, but he’s staring out the window.
I sigh and just keep driving.
Cash gives me a hug when I drop him off. I get out of the car so I can talk with him for a moment without Sylas overhearing.
“He’s not in a good place right now. Just make sure you watch him. I don’t think he’s going to do anything, but just watch him.” I plan to.
“I will. And I’ll call you if I need you.”
“Good. Good.” He gives me another hug and I see a glimmer of his cheerful self come back.
“Turn that frown upside down,” I say, tapping him on the nose before I get back in the car. I hear him chuckle as I close the door and buckle my seatbelt.
Sylas is still not talking by the time we get back to my place, go up the stairs and through the door. I drop my bag and he drops his. Leo runs out and is losing his mind with meowing for Sylas to pick him up.
“Hey, little beast,” Sylas says, picking the cat up and rubbing his belly. Thank God. Sylas walks to the couch and sits down with Leo. At last, something he’s interacting with. Sylas is talking softly to Leo, who is eating up the attention. Figuring they’re okay, I hit the bathroom and then the kitchen. That massive breakfast was many hours ago, and the two cookies I ate on the plane were hardly sustenance.
I grab a smorgasbord of stuff that doesn’t require preparation and make up a huge plate. I also grab two glasses of water.
“Hungry?” I ask. He’s still playing with Leo.
“Not really,” he says, but I set the plate down and take a seat on the couch next to him, not crowding him.
“Sylas,” I say and he glances up at me.
“Yes?” He tenses up because he knows what’s coming.
“We need to talk about it.” He licks his lips and just keeps petting Leo.
“I know,” he says, so quietly that if I hadn’t seen his lips move, I might have imagined it.
/> “We don’t have to go through all of it, but you need to at least tell me what happened with you when you had your episode. You, really, really scared me.” I told him I’d be completely honest, and I’m going to stick to that. It’s becoming easier. Not as easy as lying used to be, but I’m getting there.
“I know. I’m so sorry. I… I know I can’t do this anymore.”
“Do what, Sylas?”
“Everything.” I wait for him to elaborate and it takes a while. Slowly at first, and then his voice gets stronger.
“When I saw him, it was like I was back in that day. In the house. When I found her body on the floor. Her hair was so bright and the blood had stained it. I remember wanting to wash the blood out of her hair.” A chill starts at the top of my spine and creeps all the way down. Listening to Sylas isn’t going to be easy, but he needs to tell someone and I want that someone to be me.
He’s staring at a spot above my shoulder as he continues.
“Her eyes were so… empty. She wasn’t there anymore. She was gone. That was the hardest part. Knowing she was gone and never coming back. I was just so glad it was me who found her and not Lizzy. I never would have been able to live with myself if it had been her.” The very idea of sweet Lizzy seeing that makes me want to vomit.
“And then there was the fire and I was only able to save a few things. Some pictures and, for some reason, our coffee table.” The coffee table? I remember seeing the one in his apartment that looked like it had been burned. Oh.
“When I saw him, all I could remember was that day and I just… I didn’t know what to do. I felt like I was far away, floating and watching my body in the car. I can’t describe it any way other than that. I’ve never felt that way before. I was so scared, but I couldn’t stop. I couldn’t move, couldn’t talk, couldn’t get myself out of it. I could hear you and Cash and I tried, but my body wouldn’t let me.
“I couldn’t even think about killing him. I had the gun with the silencer all ready. I was going to take him out and drive away and never give him another thought. Killing him was supposed to get him out of my head.” It’s not that simple. If it were, then there would be a lot more vigilante justice in the world.
He shakes his head back and forth, like he’s trying to shake his thoughts out. Reaching for me, he takes my hands.
“I want you to know that I love you. I love you so much, Saige, and I never want to put you through that again. I want to be what you need. I don’t want to drag you down with me.” He’s not dragging me anywhere I’m not willing to go, but he won’t believe me when I tell him that.
“I wish I had never taken this job. Never met you. I wish I could take it back.” I think he’s going to break down again, but he doesn’t. He bites his bottom lip between his teeth and I can see how much he’s struggling.
“I don’t regret it. I know you don’t believe in fate, but I do. We were meant to find one another, Sylas and I need you to know I’m in. I’m all in for the long haul. Whatever that looks like for us. We’re never going to be the traditional couple, that’s for sure. We’re not white picket fence people. But I think we make each other happy, and we’ll find our own way to live happily ever after.” I know I sound sappy, but I don’t give a shit. I have to lay this all out and have him hear me.
“You…” he says, but he can’t continue. He pulls me into his arms and Leo protests between us and jumps to the floor.
“You are everything that is good in the world, Saige. Everything,” he says in my ear as we share our first embrace since I found him in that hotel room.
“I want to be better for you. I want to be good for you.”
“You already are,” I say.
We spend the rest of the day talking. Like I did in my letter, he lays everything out. He tells me things I already know and things I don’t. It’s harsh and ugly and heartbreaking, but I listen to every single word.
I owe it to him. He read all about my past. Not that I had anything near as horrible in mine. Still, if we want to be together, this is what it’s going to take.
When he finally finishes, I can sense that he’s coming back to his old self.
“I think I need to talk to someone. Someone other than you. A professional. I just never have because most of my activities aren’t all that legal.” That is a good point. I’m not sure what the protocol is if a shrink hears their patient doing illegal activities.
“I’m sure we can find someone who wouldn’t break your confidentiality. There has to be someone out there.”
He finally shows me a glimmer of a smile.
“I didn’t think it was going to be as hard as it was. But I’m glad I told you. You’re the only person in the world who knows everything.” That’s quite a responsibility and I don’t take it lightly.
I lean forward and kiss one cheek, then the other.
“Thank you for trusting me.”
He laughs.
“I still don’t trust you. But I love you anyway.”
That makes me laugh as well.
“Fair enough.”
We’re both completely and totally exhausted, so we head to bed without even getting undressed. I’m not sure if I’m going to make it to class tomorrow, but I’m going to give it my best shot.
Sylas wraps his arms and legs around me, as if he’s afraid I’m going to vanish. I hope I can comfort him, but then I’m the one who wakes in the middle of the night and can’t breathe.
The nightmares are back.
I thought when Sylas started sleeping over they were going to go away. In the past, they seemed to strike when I was sleeping alone. It was actually one of the reasons I went through so many boyfriends my first two years of college. It wasn’t about the sex, it was about the sleeping together afterward. Finding guys that were up for staying over wasn’t easy.
With Sylas, I only had one episode at the hotel, and then I thought I was done. I felt secure and I was in love and my life was on track.
Sylas comforts me as I cry and try and remember what happened. I never can. As soon as I think I remember something, it fades away quicker than I can try to grab onto it. I thought I had learned how to deal with it, but if this is going to be a pattern, I’m going to have to do something. I can’t sit by and let this keep happening to me. Can’t let my subconscious control my life.
“What a mess we are,” I say, closing my eyes and matching my breathing to Sylas’.
“Maybe that’s why we fit together.”
Eighteen
Sylas proves that he’s wonderful when he wakes me the next morning with enough time for me to shower and get to class on time. He gets up with me, even though he should probably stay in bed and rest some more.
“I wish I’d gone to college,” he says, watching me get dressed. I can’t help but blush at the way he watches my body move, his gaze both hot and appreciative at the same time. I would absolutely love to lose myself with him, but there’s no time.
“You do? What would you have studied?” Sometimes I think about the “Quinn” bits of information he told me and which ones are actually true. He put a surprising amount of himself in that character he played. But maybe it was easier to lie that way. Sprinkle in a dash of truth.
“I don’t know. I was so lost in high school. Always distracted by what was happening at home. I never really had the chance to explore anything. And then I started doing this and never looked back.” I decide to pull my hair up and look at him in the mirror as I make sure I get my bun just right.
“You could always go back. Live the straight life,” I say, winking. We both know there is no going back for either of us. We were made for this life. It will always be a part of us. I know that even if I don’t work with my father anymore, it will still follow me.
We’ll always have our secret lives, but at least we can have them together.
“Maybe.” He rolls over on his back and Leo jumps on the bed.
“You could. Think about it.”
He’s lost in t
hought again as I head out. I don’t ask him to promise me he’s not going to leave. I don’t have to. This time, at least, I trust him to stay put.
Dad calls me during lunch and I want to avoid the call, but I also don’t want him to be suspicious.
“Hey, Dad.” I wish my voice sounded more upbeat. I sound tired.
“Hey, Saige. I was just checking in. How are things?” Could he be more obvious?
“Dad. Come out and say it. You’re calling to ask about Sylas. It’s finals week and I don’t have time to beat around the bush.” I’m lucky my father doesn’t mind when I snap at him like this. He’s more than used to it.
“Fine. How are things with Sylas?” He says Sylas’ name like it tastes bad in his mouth. I find it strange, because not that long ago, he was doing whatever he could to get Sylas to let him see Lizzy. Interesting how things can change when his daughter is involved.
“Things with Sylas are fine.” Not even close.
“I’m surprised he hasn’t saddled up and charged down to Texas. You know I’ve got people watching him.” The way he says it tells me that he already knows Sylas went.
“He came back. He didn’t do it, Dad.”
“I know. That’s why I’m going to.” I feel a headache coming on.
“Can’t you just have someone else take care of it?” I disguise my language without even thinking about it. No conversation is private in the information age. It is beyond easy to hack into a cell phone and pick up someone else’s conversation.
“No. I’m taking care of this mess. If I hadn’t been a coward so many years ago, it never would have happened.” He thinks he’s directly responsible for everything because he didn’t stay with Sylas and Lizzy’s mother, which is ridiculous. It’s crazy what we can feel guilt over.
“If I hadn’t intervened, it wouldn’t have happened.” I shake my head, but he can’t see me.