“I’ll keep that in mind. Certainly easier than trying to shove myself between two drunken men while in heels.” Donna took a sip from her glass.
The food arrived in the middle of our conversation and everyone quieted down as we ate, except for Terry and Chris, who were arguing over who called dibs on the waitress. They never seemed to tire, and it was exhausting just watching them.
“You could always take turns. It worked out so well for you in the past,” E joked, and Terry tossed a roll at him. E picked up a handful of fries and Donna grabbed him, stopping him from starting a food fight in the middle of the restaurant.
“I call first,” Chris yelled, and everyone erupted in laughter.
ERIC
I SLIPPED OUTSIDE TO smoke and stared at the pond behind the restaurant. The door opened and I tried not to smile as Sarah stepped out beside me, even though it was physically painful to be near her. Her eyes focused ahead as she leaned against the wall next to me and lit her cigarette.
I flicked my ashes and blew out a puff of smoke. “Look, I’m not going to bother you anymore. But I don’t want shit to be weird between us.” I cleared my throat. “We were . . . we are friends.”
“I don’t think things have ever not been weird.” She laughed quietly.
I nodded. “I know you said you didn’t want to talk, but I want you to know I’m here if you change your mind.”
“When did I say I didn’t want to talk?” Her eyes met mine as confusion washed over her face.
The truth dawned on me and I pushed off the wall ready to beat the hell out of Derek. He was playing dirty to keep her and me away from each other. Sarah’s hand grabbed my arm to stop me as she studied my face. At least he knew I didn’t come and keep her company while he was out all night.
“What are you talking about, E? You’re the one who said you would stay away from me.”
The fight in the alley flashed in my mind, the hurt look in her eyes, and her body against mine as I tried to hold her.
“I shouldn’t have said that to you. I’m sorry I wasn’t there for you last night. I fucked up.” I closed my eyes as I tried to block out the memory of sleeping with Donna. “Tell me what you meant when you said that you aren’t free.”
“It’s fine.” Her hand touched my cheek and electricity shot through me. “I’m fine.”
My eyes slowly opened as she pulled her hand back from my face. “What happened?” I grabbed her wrists, inspecting the purple, swollen tip of her finger.
“I got in a fight with the stove.” She shrugged, looking embarrassed. “You?” She eyed my busted knuckles.
“Brick wall.”
She smiled and my finger began to rub over her wrist absent-mindedly as I was filled with relief that Sarah wasn’t kicking me out of her life. My face slowly inched closer to hers as our breathing picked up. I pulled her finger to my lips and placed a soft kiss on the tip of it. Pink washed over her cheeks as she pulled her lower lip in and ran her teeth over it slowly, and her fingers that still held my arm tightened. There was no staying away from Sarah, and fighting the connection we had was becoming too hard. I knew she felt it. I could see it in the pink of her cheeks, and the smile that played on her lips. She let down her guard, not afraid to let me see the sadness that lingered below the surface, and I did the same. It was freeing. I knew I couldn’t turn away even if I wanted to.
“We should go inside before someone comes looking for us,” I said quietly, hating that I had to let go of her.
She nodded and we both let our hands fall to our sides as we made our way back in the door. My fingers found the small of her back as she stepped in front of me to enter, but I only let them linger for a second.
Sarah went back to the table but I took a detour to the bathroom, needing to clear my thoughts before having to look at Derek again and to not give him reason to question if we had been together. I would let him believe he had succeeded in making us turn against each other. It was better for Sarah if she didn’t have to deal with his jealousy.
I splashed cold water on my face and made my way back to the table. Everyone was talking loudly about the award show performance. Donna smiled over at me, her shoulder bumping into mine. I smiled back, hating that we would eventually have to talk about last night. I dreaded ruining things between us.
I dared a glance across the table. Derek had his arm over Sarah’s shoulders as he told Tuck about a show they had done a few weeks ago when the building lost power. Her eyes caught mine and I fought against a smile as I looked down the table at the twins, who were racing to see who could finish his beer the fastest.
I laughed along with the jokes and offered a comment when expected, but all I could think about was Sarah. She wasn’t wearing any makeup and her clothes were more everyday than her usual grunge persona. She looked out of place next to Derek, who had on thick liner and whose hair was so black it looked as if it had a blue hue.
“What?” Donna leaned into my side as her eyes studied mine. I shrugged and grabbed my beer, taking a sip. My eyes slid over her perfect porcelain face. She wore makeup, but only to enhance her features, not to hide behind. She took the time to curl her hair and dress to impress. Any man would look at her and think she was beautiful, but my heart didn’t stutter when she said my name the way it did with Sarah. I wished it did, it would make things so much simpler. I cared for her a lot and I knew I could be with her and be happy, but it would never be fair to her because I couldn’t give her my heart.
“Why don’t you like weddings?” I asked, trying to fill the void in conversation between us.
“I . . . uh . . .” Her eyes fell to her lap.
I tipped her chin up with my finger. “I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have asked that here.” I shook my head. “I wasn’t thinking.”
“Maybe later?”
“Sure.” I smiled, hoping she would open up to me. I knew what it was like not to have someone to share your secrets with.
AFTER WE SETTLED the check, we took several cabs back to the hotel because there we so many of us. I tried to hide my disappointment when I wasn’t in the same one as Sarah, but that would have put me in a small space with Derek, and that would have been a bad thing.
We all took off to our rooms to get ready for the night out for the bachelor party. The girls were going to go out for drinks on their own, and Donna was already dressed up so she followed me to my room so we could finish our conversation from earlier.
Everything was as if last night hadn’t happened until we stepped inside my room. The bed was still unmade. I cleared my throat and went to dig through my bags. “So . . . weddings,” I said as I pulled out a dark gray button-down shirt.
Donna sat on the edge of the bed, her hand running over her leg nervously. “I’ve just never been a fan.”
I pulled my T-shirt over my head as I stretched my sides, still sore from working out. Her eyes slid down my body and back up.
“I was engaged once. This guy named James. We started dating freshman year of college.” She paused and I stopped buttoning up my new shirt to look at her, so she knew I was paying attention. “We were together three years. We talked about kids and moving to the suburbs. The American dream.” She smiled sadly.
I sat down next to her, nudging her leg with mine. “So what happened?”
“It wasn’t a dream, it was a nightmare. The night before our wedding I stayed at my aunt’s house so I could get ready without him seeing me in my gown. But I started to get nervous and couldn’t sleep that night. I hated being away from him. So I went to our apartment just so I could give him a kiss good-night.”
Her eyes glassed over as she wrung her hands together. I grabbed one and wrapped my fingers around it. Suddenly all I wanted was to help make her pain go away.
She smiled up at me and took a deep breath. “The lights were on in the living room when I pulled up, and I could see him inside with my best friend.” The tears slipped over her lashes and disappeared into the dark fabric of her dress.
“I’m so sorry.”
“He wasn’t. They married six months later and even invited me to the wedding.” She laughed sadly as she shook her head and more tears rolled over her cheeks. “I lost my friend, my fiancé, and my future all because I wanted a kiss good-night.”
Her gaze fell to my lips and she whispered my name before pushing her mouth softly against mine.
SARAH
I WASN’T A FAN of getting dressed up when I didn’t have to, but I didn’t want to look like a bum next to Donna. She was always so pulled together. I wished my life were as simple as hers. I tried to push the thought of her being with E out of my mind.
I pulled on a pair of dark-wash skinny jeans with my brown suede boots, topping it off with a cream-colored sweater that fell off the shoulder. That was as fancy as I was going to get. I didn’t know why we were even bothering. The guys wouldn’t be with us tonight. I tried to push the thought of Derek in a strip club out of my mind.
“Why do you look so fucking worried?” He laughed and kissed me on the cheek.
I narrowed my eyes at him and put my hands on my hips. “Because you’re going to have half-naked chicks all around you.”
“And you’re going out looking like that.”
“What is that supposed to mean?”
He laughed and shook his head. “It means you look beautiful and every guy is going to be trying to get with you.”
My heart melted a little and I couldn’t help but smile at his being worried about me and not thinking about strippers. He was all I had in the world now, and I knew how unhealthy that was, but I couldn’t handle being hurt any more. Couldn’t handle being alone.
“We are just going to have a few drinks and talk about you guys. You have nothing to worry about.” He pressed his lips against mine and turned to walk out the door.
I sighed as I made my way into the bathroom to look in the mirror. I was as good as I was going to get. I turned off the light and headed down the hall to Donna’s room.
I knocked and there was no answer. I waited a few seconds before knocking harder as E’s door opened and they both stepped into the hall.
“Oh . . . I thought you would be in your room getting ready.” I tried not to look disappointed as my eyes met E’s.
He quickly turned his attention back to Donna. “Have fun.” He pressed his lips to her hair.
It shouldn’t bother me. I had no right to care what was going on behind his closed door.
“You ready?” Donna asked as she made her way toward me. E was a few steps behind her.
“Yeah . . .” I refused to turn around and look at him as he went to the twins’ room and banged on the door. The elevator dinged and Donna and I both stepped inside, leaning against the back wall. The door began to close and at the last second my eyes fell on his, as I was unable to stop myself.
Cass was in the lobby kissing Tucker good-bye. I wrapped my arms around her and squeezed tight. I needed to tell her everything that had been going on, but I couldn’t do that with Donna around, and the only other person I could open up to was E, and I just couldn’t.
I put my smile in place along with the walls that I used to keep people from seeing what was really going on inside me. This night was a celebration of Cass and Tucker’s getting married and I wouldn’t ruin it for my friend.
Tucker had a car waiting for us outside so we wouldn’t need to bother with calling a cab and we could get around the city without his having to worry about Cass. We decided to head to Flower, an upscale bar just a few miles away.
The place was crowded but everyone was much calmer and more relaxed than at our usual haunts. We grabbed a table near the front window and ordered up a round of supergirlie drinks as Cass spilled the details of her time alone with Tucker. To hear how much love she had for him made my heart physically ache.
They had stayed at a swanky hotel about a half hour away called the Amore. Their suite was the size of a large apartment, with a hot tub in the bedroom. The walls were painted a deep royal blue with white slink curtains and bed linens. The paintings that lined the walls nearly stretched from floor to ceiling, and Tucker made sure the kitchen was stocked with all of Cass’s favorite snacks and a bottle of fizzy, pink champagne.
“The whole world just flipped on its axis since I met him. I never knew what it felt like to be genuinely happy.” Cass shrugged and Donna and I both oohed and aahed at her declarations of love.
I was surprised how Cass and I fell right back into conversation as if we hadn’t spent months apart. We had talked constantly on the phone while we were both separately on the road, but it wasn’t the same as having her by my side.
I started to warm up around Donna as well. She seemed like a nice person with a good heart, but I still wasn’t convinced she was a good fit for E. He needed someone he could share his secrets with and who wouldn’t run when he had one of his epic meltdowns. He carried a lot around inside him, and I wasn’t convinced she could handle it.
I wondered if he had confided about his childhood with her, and the thought made me feel betrayed. I hated myself for wishing he couldn’t share his past with others . . . but I did.
I tried to include her in the conversation and not cringe when I mentioned her and E.
“How long have you been together?” I asked, trying to sound cheery.
Donna’s eyes went to Cass and back to me. “Not long. It’s all kind of new.” Donna smiled.
Cass looked at me with wide eyes and I knew we’d have to find a moment to steal away later. I had so much I needed to tell her. And so much I needed to get a firmer hold on myself.
ERIC
RAP MUSIC BLARED over the speakers as we made our way from the hotel to the dimly lit strip club. My head was swimming from everything that was going on. This was the last fucking thing I wanted to be doing, but this was about Tuck and I wasn’t going to let my mood ruin his night.
Everything had been so clear to me before. I wanted Sarah. So why the fuck had Donna kissed me . . . and why had I so willingly kissed her back? Our drunken hookup had clearly been fueled by alcohol, but that kiss was something else. Passion and pain were in that kiss. There was definitely nothing friendly about it.
I needed a break from all of this.
We took our seats along the stage as Tuck ordered us a round of beers.
“What happened to your face, man?” Tuck asked Derek, and I laughed, clearing my throat to try to cover my reaction.
“Bar fight.” Derek’s eyes drifted to me.
I just shook my head, looking up the dancer on the stage. She was blond and curvy and her eyes were locked on mine as she walked around the pole and sank down to her knees. I grinned up at her as I relaxed back in my seat, my eyes looking over her tramp stamp as she spun around.
Our drinks arrived and I was thankful to have something to help cloud my conscience so I could feel a little less of everything.
“We should get you a lap dance,” Terry called out to Tucker.
He shook his head. “I don’t think my wife would like that.” He grinned as he called her “wife” and I couldn’t help but smile. Cass and I had had our issues in the past, but I loved her like a sister and I was glad that she had found her happy ending.
“Whipped already. That’s why I stay single,” Chris chimed in.
“Yeah, that’s why,” I spoke up.
He hit my chest with the back of his hand. “Bitches can’t handle this.”
I just shook my head and laughed as I drank my beer.
One became ten and I lost count as an endless parade of strippers took the stage. I wanted to go back to my room and pass out.
“You in the band, too?” a voice purred from beside me as she trailed her hand across my shoulders and walked to the front of me.
“Drummer.” I nodded.
She straddled my legs and began to dance suggestively. “Little drummer boy.”
“Nothing little about me, sweetheart.” I smiled at her and she gigg
led. Her hands slid through my hair, pulling my head back as she pressed her body against mine. Her smile never reached her eyes, and it turned my stomach to have her grinding on me when I knew it wasn’t what she wanted.
I grabbed her wrists and gently pulled them back so she wasn’t touching me.
“You don’t like it?” She stuck her lip out as if she were pouting.
“It’s not you. My mind is . . . elsewhere.” I grabbed a fifty from my wallet and gave it to her. I just wanted to nurse my beer and get this night over with as soon as possible.
She didn’t look happy but she walked over to another patron and offered him a dance. I stared off at the flashing lights over the stage wondering what the girls were up to.
“What did you do?” Tuck asked as he sank down in the seat next to me. He was the only other guy not getting a private dance.
“I’m just not in the mood.”
Tucker made a face as if I were fucking crazy and I just shook my head. “Only you can piss off a woman whose job it is to like you.”
“It’s a gift,” I joked. “Nothing is right. Everything I touch I fuck up.”
“Like Derek’s face?” Tucker cocked his eyebrow, a smile playing on his lips.
“Among other things.” I took another drink.
“Right.” Tucker set his bottle down and spun it in his hand. “I know I was kind of a dick when you were trying to get with Sarah on tour. I just didn’t want everything to get fucked-up for us.”
“It doesn’t really matter. I could never get her alone long enough to give us a chance. Now I can’t even make things right. Derek won’t let me near her.” I nodded my head toward Derek, who was fully engrossed in the woman grinding against his crotch. “And now I’ve totally fucked up our friendship. I feel like I’m losing her completely . . . if I haven’t already. Derek just doesn’t deserve her.”
“Agreed.”
“Why does that fuckstick get the girl? When do I get my shot?”
“Why was it so hard for Cass to leave Jax? She’s probably scared, man. You need to show her she deserves better, but she isn’t going to make that decision until she is ready. You’re asking for her to change her entire life and take a chance on the unknown.”