“What’s with the sullen look?” Marshall comes over to greet me as my mother checks on the baby.
She makes it a point to regularly audit his breathing. Apparently, she’s afraid he’s going to forget how to replicate the autonomic response because we all know little geniuses are apt to forgetting menial tasks like respiration.
“There’s death in the pot.” I wrinkle my nose at the stove. “I’m really getting sick of Demetri’s repulsive display of material affection. It’s like he’s trying to buy her off.”
“Perhaps it’s time you apprise your mother of his true identity.”
“You think?” I look back over at her cooing into the bastardized casket sitting on the end table. She seems so content in this disorganized bubble of fake boyfriends and fake babies. It’s clear she’s pretty high on life right now. Once I prick her back to reality, she’ll fall hard and it won’t be pretty. “Maybe I will after we hurdle the Kragger catastrophe tomorrow night. She’s been talking about it nonstop. You’d think she was Cinderella going to the ball.”
Marshall lowers his chin and gives a devious smile. “She just might be. You never know when a good prince might show up for the evening.”
Before I can question his bizarre response, Tad walks in with an arm around Demetri’s shoulder—nurturing their budding bromance. Now who’s the one with the open relationship?
Mia and Melissa file in and start schlepping the quasi-edible fare to the table.
Chloe and Ethan, with their slightly rumpled hair and clothes, take seats among us. Darla and Brielle come in and chat up a storm with Mom about the baby as if he were in another country on vacation, never once venturing to peer inside the casket to obsess over his breathing. Suddenly, my mother’s irrational behavior is the model of perfect parenting. Drake wanders in with Emily and I want to grab the nearest sharp object and reenact the Miller thriller that landed me in hot vomit to begin with.
“Can’t you put a hex on him and make him love Bree?” I whisper to Marshall.
“I’m afraid love comes naturally. It’s the one arena I choose to steer clear of. Meddle with fragile hearts and you reap the reward of heartbreak and perhaps a crime of passion or two. Never pretty.”
Speaking of meddling, Izzy and her overgrown breasts just ballooned into the room. Sprinkle’s goes insane, circling her feet, and she swoops down and blindly picks him up. He licks her lips as if he were lapping up a bowl of fresh milk.
Oh my freaking shit. She’s licking back—tongue to tongue. Some serious effed-up doggie foreplay is taking place right here in the Landon living room with all eyes locked on the bizarre sight.
Tad bolts over and tries to yank the creature free. Instead, his hands slip and slither all over her heaving bosom.
She drops the dog midair just as Tad bends over to catch him and he does a rather quick and forceful face plant in the ass crack blooming from her chest. Izzy breaks into a fit of hysterical laughter as the rest of us gawk at the outright pornography of it all.
Mom walks over and extricates Tad by the hair and he takes a huge gasping breath.
“What happened?” He blinks. “I think I passed out or something.” He looks to my mother with a sideways glance in the event she’s in the market for the exceptionally rank bullshit.
Then with a saving grace, Gage walks in with a simple pink rose and hands it to me before pressing a quick kiss to my lips.
“You look beautiful,” he whispers.
Gage in all his perfection is a salve over the indignity that just took place. There is no purer love, no greater gift than Gage and his affection.
“You don’t look so bad yourself,” I say before taking in the citrus scent of the flower. “This is amazing. Thank you.”
Chloe simmers behind him and it delights me to no end.
“It’s from my mom’s garden. It reminded me of you, how exquisite you are— how lucky I am to have you.” He interlaces our fingers. I would give you every flower on earth if I could. His dimples dig in deep, invite me to jump in, linger in their deep well of affection. I want to crawl inside of Gage and never get out. I want to be a part of him in the most intimate way. Logan blinks through my mind and an ocean of guilt submerges me until I can no longer breathe. Gage and I are just getting to the nexus of our relationship, here on the last leg of the faction war. I can’t shake the feeling our days are numbered.
Mom shoots a venomous look over at Isis-the-Marital-Crisis. “Why don’t we all take our seats?” She spits the words out in her I’m-sorry-I-ever-invited-this-bitch voice. “Marshall, I’d like for you to meet a dear friend of the family, Demetri’s niece, Isis.”
“You can call me Izzy.” The bubbling blonde jumps in front of Marshall and latches onto his hand with fevered desperation. She must know he’s a Sector. “Oh.” She gives a loud erotic moan and Marshall quickly takes his fingers back.
Mom’s eyes spring wide with glee at Izzy’s sudden sexual interest in a man who just so happens to not be Tad.
“Why don’t you two sit here?” She pulls Marshall and the sexed-up serpent to the table by the hands like second graders.
I sit on Marshall’s other side and Gage next to me as Mom whisks the one hundred pound pot from the kitchen in one running leap, relying mostly on centripetal force to execute the maneuver. She nearly pulls a decapitation of her own, and easily would have, if Gage hadn’t ducked in time to evade the trauma.
“Sorry,” she says before unveiling tonight’s masticating challenge.
A collective gasp circles the table.
Staring back from the pot is what can only be described as a giant steaming pile of bear crap with a halo of congealed orange wax.
“And,” Mom sings, “I’ve prepared a vegetable everybody loves.” She uncovers the casserole dish next to it, revealing not only a vegetable everyone apparently loves, but also one everyone cannot readily identify.
“Ew.” Mia pinches her nose shut.
The entire room explodes in what just might be the great Landon gas attack. It’s as if all three Landon males and perhaps the tiniest cast member with a qualifying colon, expelled a series of anal offenses so dangerously putrid my eyes are watering—and holy crap I can taste it.
A series of gags and moans breakout.
“It’s…” Chloe searches for the perfect verbal pick me up to offer my mother. But alas, in the face of this grievous kitchen nightmare, even her lying lips can’t utter a single kind sentiment.
“I think you’d better check the little bugger’s diaper.” Darla chokes out the words.
If she’s refereeing to Tad, then I totally agree. There’s no way that cute sleeping baby could produce something so fierce and deadly.
“Oh.” Mom flicks her wrist as if we’re all a bunch of jokers. “It’s the cabbage. It does have a funny scent. Sort of reminds me of coffee.”
“You’re right.” Chloe snaps her finger as if she were fumbling for the exact same psychotic connection.
Coffee? It’s becoming increasingly clear why my mother has a high tolerance to offensive stenches and people. Her faculties have been destroyed by all those baby-making injections she has Tad filling her adipose tissue with. She’s lost all ability to discern taste or smell or even make rational judgments when it comes to what’s appropriate with the opposite gender. Clearly it’s time to revoke her license to multiply. I’ll talk to Dr. Booth at the Count cotillion and let him know she needs to have a conservatorship set up allowing me to dismantle all her hopes and dreams of procreation with Tad as well as any extracurricular reproduction efforts she might have planned with Demetri.
Tad picks up Demetri’s dish and ladles out a giant heap of Mom’s suspicious sustenance. I’m not sure if he’s trying to brown nose or if it’s a clever scheme to off the enemy.
The baby starts to squirm and Mom is Johnny on the spot, picking him up and reappearing at the table with the cute little Count. She pushes back her plate and I’m starting to sense there’s more than one strategy
brewing here. Clearly she was never going to eat that crap she set out.
Reluctantly each of us dole out a meager portion of the cruel gruel that we dare consider a meal. Even Chloe has toned down the bootlicking in exchange for dime-sized portions. Personally, I’m waiting for Darla to burst into her bacon song and dance because I am so going next door with her when she does. Mmm, just the thought of Gage and bacon. Gage wrapped in bacon. It makes my mouth water and I lick my lips while looking right at him. God we need to find a way to make this happen.
He takes up my hand beneath the table. I have a surprise for you later.
I raise my brows seductively because God knows I have a surprise for him later.
I think tonight is the perfect night to abandon all our defenses and find a hotel room to haunt together—surprise ourselves with how much we’re really willing to share.
I can’t wait to share it all with Gage.
Chapter 83
Liars and Lovers
Dinner continues with weak conversation and even weaker stomachs that wonder where their real meal will come from once this farce disbands for the evening.
Demetri clears his throat and bleeds a smile into my mother. “I sing your praises, Lizbeth. You’ve outdone yourself with this fine feast.”
The jaw of every person at the table drops to the floor at his wild exaggeration.
The baby sputters to life and my mother is briefly distracted from the Fem who breeds falsehoods.
“Beautiful baby Beau!” My mother wiggles the babe in front of her as she takes to her daily affirmation.
Really? I marvel at the psychological strategy my mother sees fit to employ. This kid is going to grow up with an ego the size of Jupiter. An ego and a Count are a lethal combo as evidenced by the entire Kragger clan.
“You are so lovely—so right!” She howls. “I see your wisdom grow each day and bless this house with your tender love and grace. Forever may you prosper!”
“Amen.” Marshall shakes out his napkin before dropping it in his lap.
“Amen, indeed.” Izzy giggles into him. “I’ll need a date for Saturday. I just hate to be lonely.” She shimmies her chest into the table in the event he missed the extended invitation.
“It’s not good to be lonely.” Tad drools out the words.
Gage smiles and rubs a soft circle in my hand, I’ll make sure you’ll never be lonely.
I smolder into him just this side of combusting into flames. We’re moving a million miles an hour down the highway of our love and I want to do everything, explore everything with him before Logan erects a brick wall and we give to a spectacular crash.
Marshall clears his throat. I’m growing a trifle ill from the over indulgence of passion exuding from your end of the table, Ms. Messenger. He taps my foot with his as he says it. Would it kill you to show an ounce of attention to the man who’s destined to be your life mate?
“I’m doing precisely that,” I whisper.
“Precisely what honey?” Mom smiles as the baby leaves a white trail of what looks like bird poop over her shoulder.
“Nothing.” I sit up, snatching my hand back from Gage.
“You’re…” Tad pauses to circle his fork accusingly in my direction. “Acting funny again.”
“No.” I’m quick to shake my head in the guiltiest manner possible.
What has you so readily believing Lover Boy once again? Marshall persists. Didn’t he prove himself a cyborg of the enemy?
I cover Marshall’s hand under the table. I completely trust him. And by the way, that whole vision thing you taught him has totally taken our relationship to a brand new level. I’m quick to let go before the sexual fantasy involving Gage and me kicks in, only I guess you can’t really call it a fantasy because it’s going to come true—more like a sneak preview—a sneak preview of the most freaking awesome event in history.
I give a private smile to Chloe who happens to be snickering in my direction.
“What vision?” Marshall whispers.
I touch his hand again. You know, the tricks you taught him, to let me see the future through his kisses.
Marshall takes in a breath and straightens.
I taught him no such thing. I demand you steer clear of this imposter’s upper orifice at once.
Darla laughs at something stupid Demetri says and of course Tad applauds like he’s just heard the Pope at the Vatican.
I sit there staring at Marshall a good long minute.
Oh my freaking shit.
I turn to look at Gage who’s busy washing down the first and last bite of food on his plate.
He couldn’t. He can’t. Why would he lie about something so huge?
“Chloe,” Gage whispers, “could you please pass me the water?” His brow arches seductively and an alarm goes off in my stomach.
He could have easily asked Ethan or even my mother.
She passes the decanter and their fingers brush against one another. Chloe’s lips curl on the sides as Gage takes it from her, like passing a chalice full of lies right here in the dining room, at my table, with my family.
“That is fucking it, buddy,” I seethe, shaking from my newfound anger.
“Skyla!” Mom is quick to cover the baby’s ears.
“What?” Gage mouths as he stares at me with abrupt astonishment.
“You know what,” I shout. “I have freaking had it with the two of you.” I point over at Chloe inciting her in on the madness that’s gripped my world.
“Me?” She taps at her chest with an asinine level of innocence that makes me want to plunge a ladle full of Mom’s cooking down her throat.
“All right.” Drake applauds with a goofy grin on his face as if the world’s greatest catfight were about to break out.
“Skyla!” Brielle hisses while shaking her head in protest.
“Yes, Brielle,” I say, rising in fury. “I’m not going to sit back and let these two make an ass out of me for one more freaking minute.” I pound the flat of my hands against the table and the glasses dance to the left. I dart a finger over at Em and Drake. “And you two should take note.”
Gage gets up and tries to pluck me from the room.
“Don’t you touch me!” I lift a fork to him. “I’ll feed your precious baby blues to Nev for dinner if you move one more inch in my direction.”
“That’s sick!” Melissa backs up her chair as if I were about to explode in an all-out assault.
“Ethan, subdue her.” Tad gets up and takes a defensive stance. “Lizbeth, tell Dr. Feel Good to get the whack shack in order. He’s about to have another visitor— permanently this time.”
“I am not insane, but oh I was,” I spew into Gage, “to ever believe you,” I scream in his face with all of the vengeance I can muster.
“Is this a joke?” Darla squints into the display. “Oh, I get it! Theys gonna fight like hell then make up by letting us in on some big secret. I bet she’s got a bun in the oven baking for months. Look at the pooch on that girl. It’s a dead giveaway.”
I shake my head incredulously. I do not have a pooch.
“Oh for crying out loud.” Tad throws his hands in the air, acquiescing to her theory. “With our luck, Lizbeth, we’ll get stuck with twins this time. Better get an assembly line of caskets ready—one of them being mine.”
“Let’s get out of here.” Gage tries to wrap an arm around my waist.
“Oh, I am getting out of here.” I turn to Marshall.
Izzy titters into his shoulder while pressing her boobs against him like some erotic hot boulder massage.
“Get back.” I smack her down with a napkin. I grab Marshall and yank him up. “This”—I hold up his hand in victory—“is the man I’m going to marry.”
Marshall purrs like a lion and it pulses through me holy and right.
“This is the man I’m going have children with and love with my body every single night for the rest of my natural life.” I sob a little into the words.
Demetri raise
s a brow, amused, and I half expect him to applaud my performance—only I’m not performing. This is real.
“Come on. Let’s get out of here,” I say deflated. I seem to have lost momentum because the tears are coming fast and furious.
Marshall rises, strong and tall by my side. He could totally kick some Levatio ass if he wanted, and I’d be the last person on Earth to stop him.
“I’ll take a quick drive with the young lady,” he asserts. “I promise to get to the bottom of this erratic behavior.” Marshall assures my mother. “Do remove this cad from the premises.” He shoots a searing look to Gage. “I believe we are witness to a fragile human heart that has been deceived and broken in the most hostile manner as evidenced by the passionate outburst delivered tonight.” He points hard at the guilty Oliver. “The rose, my friend, was a dead give away of your philandering ways.”
“Gage!” Mom’s jaw drops as she observes him in this new awful light.
“I didn’t do anything.” He catches the napkin Mia throws at him.
Marshall speeds me out of the house, down the porch and into the night.
I never want to look back. I never want to see that ridiculously perfect face again.
Marshall wraps his arms around me and I bawl into his chest as the cool mist encapsulates my misery.
Gage greets me behind my lids.
Breaks my heart all over.
Chapter 84
Butterflies and Battlefields
Long after midnight, once Marshall drops me back off at home, Logan meets me in the butterfly room.
I tell him how I bathed Marshall in tears. How I cried harder when Gage sped out of the driveway at a million miles an hour like he was pissed that I was onto him.