“But you still had Jude, isn’t that all that mattered?”
“He was my last chance to get it right. And for a while I thought I had. Then I found out Jude hated me just as much as you do. I suppose he was just better at hiding it.”
Is that really what it was? When I was younger, I’d make Jude stand beside me in front of my mother’s closet mirror. We looked so much alike. I couldn’t see what the difference was—I couldn’t understand how my father could love one of us and loathe the other.
“Gee, Dad, that almost sounded sincere. If you weren’t the world’s biggest liar, I might actually believe a bit of your sob story. But do me a favor. Just kill me already—don’t bore me to death.”
“Don’t be ridiculous,” he says. “I’m not going to kill you.” He sounds exhausted.
“Why not? You bet Mandel that I’d never graduate from the academy, and we all know what happens to the kids they ‘expel.’ You bet on my life, Dad. I have to die in order for you to win the wager. So why draw things out any longer? I give up. I’m letting you take the prize. Just do me a favor and don’t let Mandel get his hands on my corpse. The way I see it, you owe me that much.”
“You’re not allowed to give up,” my father explains patiently. “Not yet. When we formed our agreement, Lucian said he might need two semesters. As you know, there’s a great deal at stake here. I must honor our deal. If there were any other way to dispose of Lucian, I would have done it long ago.”
“But you can’t because he’s got the goods on you. What I don’t understand is why Mandel would even bother with a wager if he could have your ass sent to jail for Jude’s murder.”
“He’d like to, but I have half the alumni behind me. Neither of us would benefit from a civil war among the graduates. Lucian can’t afford to lose half the people who pay his bills. And I refuse to put the Mandel Academy at risk.”
“Seems like you’ve got your priorities in order. Nothing’s more important than protecting a school that kills its own students.”
When he spins around to face me, I finally get a glimpse of a father I recognize. The one who always looked at me like I was a hideous boil on the ass of humanity.
“What do you know about priorities?” he spits. “For your information, every student the academy has ever recruited would have died without it. They had no families. No friends. They would have overdosed or been murdered or thrown themselves off bridges. The academy helps as many as it can. It gives them a chance to survive. That’s what people like you and Lucian can’t understand. You were both born with everything. You don’t know what it’s like to have nothing.”
“I had everything? You mean money and a big house? Is that what you call everything?”
“I made sure you had food, shelter, and warm clothing!” The volume of his voice rises a little with each word. “That’s more than I ever had!”
“So you think the Mandel Academy rescued you?” I ask. “I thought only weak people had to be saved.”
I brace myself for my father’s response, but his anger seems to have withered away. “Beatrice gave me something to fight for. I was the one who saved myself.”
“Beatrice? Beatrice Mandel?” Lucian Mandel said his mother and my father were close. She was his mentor. He was her masterpiece.
“After my father died, Beatrice brought me to the academy. It was a different place in those days. They didn’t put chips in our arms—or give us drugs that made us easier to control. Beatrice never toyed with us or treated her students like lab rats. She respected us. We were told that some of us would make it—and some of us wouldn’t. It wasn’t a game to Beatrice. It was life or death.
“When she offered me a place at the Mandel Academy, Beatrice made it very clear that the only thing I’d be given at the school was a chance. If I wanted more, I’d have to fight for it. At first I didn’t think I’d ever have what it took. But then Beatrice pulled me aside and encouraged me to observe the other students. Some were strong. Some were weak. And the only difference between them was a choice. Fight or give in. And that choice was mine. All mine. No one else could make it for me—and no one could ever take it away. In the end, I chose to fight.”
“Lucian Mandel would just say that your gene had been activated.”
“And there are many things I might say about Lucian Mandel, but I wouldn’t want to jeopardize our deal. I will tell you that Lucian has never faced the kind of choice I described. If he had, he’d know his little theory is wrong. If a gene were responsible, the choice would be easy. It wasn’t. I was ranked last in my class, and the instructors were lobbying to have me expelled. Beatrice Mandel made me an offer. I would be given another semester to prove myself—if I disposed of the student ranked second to last. His name was Franklin, and he was my only friend. I don’t think I’d have survived the first few weeks at the academy if it hadn’t been for him.”
Franklin. Franklin. The name means something. Then I remember the night I got punched for watering his fichus with a decanter of Scotch. Before my dad left me for dead, he’d whispered a name. “You killed Frank?”
“I had to choose between my life and his. It was the hardest choice I’ve ever faced. I knew he’d die anyway. Even Frank realized he had no hope of graduating. I struggled with the decision for days, but once it was made, there was no going back.”
So Beatrice Mandel took away my dad’s last good thing and replaced it with something rotten. But he’s so convinced that the evil bitch saved him that he’ll do whatever it takes to protect her legacy.
For a moment, I almost pity the man sitting beside me. But then I realize my father was right. He was given the option to fight or give in. The choice was his and his alone. And he chose to kill Frank. No amount of Scotch will ever help him forget it, and there’s nothing he could say that would ever make me forgive him for the things he’s done since.
“Wow, you’ve really racked up quite a body count. Anyone else you’ve had to murder?”
The sneer is back. “Of course you wouldn’t understand, you pampered little shit. It was me—or Franklin. I saved myself. What would you have done in my place?”
“Something else.”
“I’ll tell you what you would have done. You would have died. You’ve never had any fight in you. Remember when you were ten years old and that kid at school stole your bike? I ordered you to get it back, and you tried to convince me that you’d loaned him the bike. Your little brother had to fight the boy for it.”
That’s the story he’s been telling himself all these years? I loaned my bike to one of the townie kids in my class when I heard that a boy had been kidnapped on his walk home from school. My mom picked me up every day at four. I didn’t really need a bike, so I let the kid borrow mine. I figured his trip home would be safer on two wheels than it would be on foot. And Jude didn’t fight the kid to get the bike back. He asked our mom for the money to buy the boy a new one. I’m tempted to set my father straight, but he’d only call me a liar. Still, I’d like to see him slap me the way he did when I was ten.
“You always were your mother’s son,” I hear him saying. “That’s why I accepted the wager Lucian proposed. Even though so much was at stake, I knew it would be a safe bet. Your mother did her best to keep you sheltered and soft. Someday soon, you’ll face a choice just like mine. When that time comes, you won’t have what it takes to survive. Lucian will lose the wager, and I will win control of the school. I wish none of this were necessary. I really do. But I can’t allow Lucian to destroy the Mandel Academy. Your death will save hundreds who deserve to live.”
“Hundreds of kids like you? You know, Dad, you may be right. I don’t think I’ll be able to fight like you did. But just so you know, if Jude had been in your shoes thirty years ago, he wouldn’t have killed his friend either.”
My dad’s glare softens until his eyes don’t seem to be focused on me anymore. “Probably not,” he finally concedes. “But I think you’ll agree that Jude’s ‘something else’
would have been spectacular.”
“Mine will be too. I promise you that.”
My father leans forward and raps on the dark glass barrier between the driver and us. The car slows down and pulls to the curb. I look out the window. We’re already downtown.
“There’s something I need to ask you before I go,” my father announces. I hear something new in his voice. If I didn’t know better I’d call it concern. “I need you to answer me honestly. Have they put you on any medication?”
That wasn’t the kind of question I was expecting. “What? You mean the doctors at school?” I ask, and my dad nods. “No.”
“If they try to, don’t take it. And don’t mention any of this to Lucian. I’ve told you much more than I should have.” My father gets out of the car, but he doesn’t shut the door. He pauses, then turns and pokes his head back into the vehicle. “Consider yourself lucky. You still have a chance. Let’s see what you do with it.” Then he slams the door.
The handle won’t open my door. I can’t find a way to unlock it. I bang on the barrier between the driver and me. My fists can’t crack it. The engine starts.
I sit back and wonder what my father meant. I still haven’t figured it out when the car pulls up outside the Mandel Academy.
CHAPTER TWENTY-ONE
* * *
THE BLIND SPOT
I’ve been brought to an empty classroom. There’s no place to sit, so I pace the perimeter.
“Hello!” I almost cringe when I hear Mandel’s cheerful voice. “It sounds like you’ve had quite a day!”
He’s not alone. A man comes through the door behind him. I’ve never seen the guy’s face before, but the look in his eyes is pure predator. He’s my father’s age, and he isn’t particularly tall or muscular. But I see his thick fingers and calloused knuckles, and I know that the man must be one of the academy’s killers.
Mandel’s hands are in his pockets. It’s his way of showing me that I pose no threat. “Why don’t you tell me what went wrong this afternoon.”
I don’t have a plan. What’s the point? But I’m not going to mention the dead kid. There’s no telling what he could do with information like that. “I lost my nerve. I panicked, and I got arrested.”
Mandel knows I’m bluffing. “It was a simple task, Flick. You must have stolen hundreds of phones before you arrived at the academy. What on earth made you panic this time?”
“I thought it was another one of your tests. I was scared of failing.”
“You assumed it was a test? My, my, we are a bit paranoid, aren’t we? For your information, Mr. Martin has been organizing similar trips for the past fifteen years. All of our instructors send students into the field from time to time.”
“Was today a simulation?”
Mandel smiles. “No, and I’m afraid you’ve made Mr. Martin’s life quite difficult. You were performing a favor for some very important alumni. Thanks to your performance, they’ve lost access to an important source of information, and they’re not very pleased with your instructor. And of course there’s the matter of the Facebook page.”
“Did Mr. Martin make lots of new friends?” I ask.
“I see you still have your sense of humor. Let me ask you . . . how did someone in a state of panic manage to craft such an entertaining profile?”
It’s a very good question. I don’t have an answer.
“Feeling tongue-tied? Then let’s move on. How long did it take you to construct Mr. Martin’s profile?”
“About twenty minutes.”
Mandel cocks his head. “You couldn’t think of anything better to do with twenty minutes of Internet time?”
“Who needs porn when I’ve got Gwendolyn?”
Mandel’s pet thug finds this amusing. Does he know my sweet little princess?
“More jokes,” Mandel observes. “And yet you have much more reason to panic now than you did this afternoon. But we both know you were just as composed then as you are right now. So let’s set that rather pitiful excuse to the side for a moment. I’m still curious about your time online. You haven’t had Internet access in months. Wasn’t there anyone you wanted to write? Any person you felt like phoning?”
“No.”
“Not even Joi?”
“Who?”
Mandel laughs. “Well played. Now let’s discuss your arrest. How many times have you been arrested in the past?”
“None.”
“And when you were arrested this afternoon, why didn’t you call the academy? Why did you choose to phone your father?”
“Why don’t you just tell me what you’re getting at?” I say. “You sound like you have everything figured out. So go ahead and do what you want to me.”
“You seem to think that I’m angry,” Mandel notes. “Do I look angry?”
“I have no idea,” I say. The guy never stops smiling.
“Mr. Martin would say that the day has been a disaster, but I’m actually rather pleased by what I’ve heard.”
What?
“I was worried that we might have sent you out a bit early. A gifted young man like you could have found a way to cause quite a bit of trouble for the academy. I knew there was a chance that I might need to do some damage repair this evening. But you acted like a true predator. First you attacked Mr. Martin. And then you went after your father. You were intending to kill him, weren’t you?”
He doesn’t know that I tried to surrender. And for some reason, my father hasn’t told him the truth. Play along.
“I got tired of waiting for my reward.”
“But your father outsmarted you. And sent you back to me. He’s laughing at us both right now.”
“If he’d faced me like a man, I would have won.”
The thug and Mandel share a chuckle.
“Only little boys believe in ‘fighting like a man,’” Mandel says. “It doesn’t matter how you fight, Flick. There’s no such thing as honor. The only thing that matters is winning.”
“Then I’ll win the next round.”
Mandel nods. “Perhaps. I am extremely happy with the progress you’ve made. I wouldn’t be surprised if you’re ready to graduate by the end of next semester. But in the meantime, there are still a few things you need to learn. Your next lesson will be taught by my colleague, Mr. Wilson. I’m afraid it’s going to be a little bit painful.”
Mandel has clearly been smoking some of Julian’s crack if he thinks his enforcement friend will be able to hurt me. I’m thirty years younger than Mr. Wilson. The old codger doesn’t stand a chance. Then the man steps forward and pulls up a pant leg. He has a set of nunchaku strapped to his shin. Why do I keep expecting Mandel to play fair?
“Mr. Martin has insisted that you be reprimanded. But please don’t consider this a punishment. Think of it as a lesson in humility. You’ve been fighting amateurs for too long. Your father is a professional. He trained alongside Mr. Wilson during their days at the academy. You’re about to get a taste of what to expect should your father choose to fight ‘like a man.’ Mr. Wilson?”
“Yes, sir?”
“Don’t kill him,” Mandel says before he leaves the room.
• • •
I remember the one time I managed to hurt my father. It was the same fight that led to my exile in Georgia. I threw a punch, and it hit his jaw. For a second, I believed that the tables had finally turned. And in that second, I had a glimpse of another life. One in which my mother never suffered, my brother never scrambled to keep the peace, and I never had to tiptoe through the halls of my home. It was the most glorious vision I’d ever had. I wanted it so bad, and Jude must have known. Because he died trying to make it real.
• • •
They’ve planted grass on the surface of the moon. The lush green lawn keeps going and going until it meets a perfectly black horizon. I hear sprinklers in the distance—the rotating kind that Jude and I used to jump through when we were kids. I’d like the little dead boy to have a chance to enjoy them. But Peter
Pan and I are the only ones here.
“Where are we?” I ask.
Peter Pan flies a slow, graceful loop around me before coming down to land. “This is the place between sleep and awake. The place where you can still remember dreaming. I’ve been waiting for you. Come with me. I’ll show you around.”
We start walking, side by side. The horizon never gets any closer. “Why am I here?” I ask.
“You’ve left your body back at the academy. It needs time to heal.”
“I’m alive?”
“Yes.”
“And I’m still me?”
“More you than you’ve been in a very long time.”
“Why didn’t Mandel figure it out? I tried to surrender. If Dad had let me, Mandel would have lost the wager.”
“Mandel will never understand what you did.”
“What did I do?”
“The right thing. You returned the man’s phone. Then you tried to stop Mandel’s experiment—even though you thought Dad would kill you.”
I made my choice, and I didn’t even realize it. “I chose to give up. That’s what Dad would say.”
“What takes more guts? To fight for your own life at any cost—or prove that you’re willing to lose it?”
I see his point, but I don’t know why he thinks I’ve just made some huge leap forward. “Isn’t that what I’ve been doing for the past goddamned year? I’ve given up everything for you!”
“No,” Jude says. “I died trying to help you. Why would I want you to risk your life for my sake? I told you to stay with Joi, but you wanted revenge. And you would have traded your soul just to get it.”
I’m still confused. “And today?”
“Today you let go. I was worried you’d changed, but when it mattered most, you were still the brother I knew. Maybe there is a predator gene like Mandel says. Or maybe Dad’s right and it comes down to a choice. But both of them are totally wrong about one thing. They think you’ve only got two options. Off or on. Fight or die. But there’s a third option: screw them. Be who you want to be—and don’t be afraid of the consequences. That’s what you did at the airport. That’s how you found your strength.”