CHAPTER SEVENTEEN - AUNT MARY'S NIGHT ABOUT TOWN
The next day came up out of the ocean fair and warm, and when it drewtoward later afternoon no more propitious night for setting forth everhappened.
It was undeniably a night to be remembered. And Aunt Mary's entertainersdrew in deep breaths as they girded themselves for the conflict. Theycertainly intended to do themselves proud and on top of all the lesser"times of her life" to pile the one pre-eminent which should restpre-eminent forever. Aunt Mary had been gay in the first part of theweek,--gayer and gayer as the week progressed, but that final crowningnight was indubitably the gayest of all. If you doubt this read on--readon--and be convinced.
They began with Burnett's dinner in the private room. No matter where theprivate room was, for it really wasn't a private room at all--it was asuite of rooms borrowed and arranged especially for that one occasion.They gathered there at eight o'clock and began with oysters served on alarge brass tray in a half-dim Turkish room where incense sticks burnedabout and queer daggers held up the curtains. The oysters were served ontheir arrival and the megaphones stood like extinguishers over each withthe name cards tied to the small end. The effect was really unique. AuntMary had one, too, and they were all rejoiced at her delight in thescheme, and a few seconds after they were doubly rejoiced over its successfor no one had to speak loud--the megaphones did it all, producing a lovelyclamor which deafened all those who could hear and caused Aunt Mary tofeel that she heard with the rest.
Amidst the cheerful din they exchanged such very wild remarks as oystersalways inspire and each and all were mutually content at the effectthereof. Then they finished, and Burnett rose at once, flung back theportieres, and led them in upon their soup which stood smoking on a largecard table in the next room. There were boutonnieres with the soup, andviolets for Aunt Mary, and again they used the megaphones and again theconversation partook of the customary conversation which soup produces.
The soup finished, Burnett jumped up again and threw back other portieresand they all moved out into a dining-room, with its table spread with asubstantial dinner. This time it was the real thing. Candelabra,ice-pails, etc.
Aunt Mary had a parrot in a gilt tower, and all the men had white mice inhouses shaped like hat-boxes. Mitchell's seat was flanked with winecoolers, and Burnett's, too. There was all that they could desire to eatand drink and more. The feast began, and it was grand and glorious.
"I'll tell you what," said Aunt Mary, in the midst of the revel, "if thisis what it means in papers when it speaks of high livin', I don't blame'em for bein' willin' to die of it young. One week like this is worth tenyears with Lucinda. Twenty. A whole life."
"Say, Jack," said Burnett in an undertone, "let's have Lucinda come totown next and see the effect on her."
"Miss Watkins," said Clover through his megaphone, "as a mark of myaffection I beg to offer you my white mouse. Do you accept?"
"Oh, I don't want to go back to the house yet," said Aunt Mary, muchdisturbed. "It's too soon."
"We won't go home till morning," said Burnett. "Not by a long shot. Here,Mitchell, give us a speech. Home! we don't want to drink _to_ it, but wedo want to drink to it _here_."
"Home!" said Mitchell, rising with his glass in his hand. "Home! here's tohome, and I'll drink to it in anything but a cab. Home, Aunt Mary andgentlemen, is the place where one may go when every other place is closed.As long as any other place is open, however, I do not recommend goinghome. The contrast is always sharp and bitter and to be avoided untilunavoidable circumstances, over which we possess but little control, forceus to give our address to the man who drives and let him drive us to thelast place on the map. And so I drink to that last place--home; and here'sto it, not now, but a good deal later, and not then unless what must behas got to result."
Mitchell paused and they all drank.
"Me next now," exclaimed Burnett, jumping to his feet. "I'm going to makea speech at my own dinner, and as a good speech is best made off-hand,I've picked out an off-hand subject and arise to give you 'Lucinda.'Having never met her I feel able to say nothing good about her and I callthe company present to witness that I shall say nothing bad either. Igather from what I have had a stray chance of picking up that Lucinda isall that she should be, and nothing frisque. The latter quality is toobad, but it's not my fault. Therefore, I say again 'Lucinda', and here'sto her very good health. May she never regret that Fate has given her nochance to have anything to regret."
Aunt Mary applauded this speech heartily even if she hadn't quite caughtthe whole of it and had no idea of whom it was about.
"Who's goin' to speak now?" she asked anxiously.
"I am," said Clover modestly. "I rise to propose the health of our honoredguest, Miss Watkins. We all know what kin she is to one of us, and we allweep that she didn't do as well by the rest of us. Aunt Mary! Glassesdown!"
"You can't drink this, you know, Aunt Mary," said Jack,--"it's bad taste todrink to yourself."
"I don't want to drink," said Aunt Mary, beaming,--"I like to watch you."
"Here's to Aunt Mary's liking to watch us!" cried Clover.
"No," said Burnett rising, "don't. It's time to go and get the salad now."
"We'd ought to have the automobile for this party," said Aunt Mary, andeveryone applauded her idea, as they rose and gathered up theirbelongings.
It was a droll procession of men with mice and a lady with a parrot thatgot under way and moved in among the Japanese fans and swinging lanternsof the next room in the suite of Burnett's friend. Five little individualtables were laid there and on each table lay a Japanese creature of somesort which--being opened somewhere--revealed salad within.
"Well, I never did!" exclaimed the guest; "this dinner ought to be put ina book!"
"We'll put it in ourselves first," said Mitchell. "I never believe inbooking any attraction until it has been tried on a select few. Burnetthaving selected me for one of this few, I vote we begin on the salad."
They began forthwith.
Aunt Mary suddenly stopped eating.
"Some one called," she said.
"It's the parrot," said Jack; "I heard him before."
"What does he say?" said Mitchell.
"Listen and you'll find out," said Jack.
They all listened and presently the parrot said solemnly:
"Now see what you've done!" and relapsed into silence.
"What does he mean?" Aunt Mary asked.
"He's referring to his own affairs," said Burnett; "come on--let's getcoffee now!"
They all adjourned to a tiny room lined with posters and decorated withpipe racks, and there had ice cream in the form of bulls and bears, andcoffee of the strongest variety. And then cordials and cigarettes.
"Now, where shall we go to first?" asked Burnett when all were well litup. No one would have guessed that he had ever felt used up in all hislife before.
"To a roof garden," said Mitchell. "We'll go to a roof garden first, andthen we'll go to more roof gardens, and after that if the spirit moveswe'll go to yet a few roof gardens in addition. We'll show our dear auntwhat wonders can be done with roofs, and to-morrow she'll wonder what wasdone with her."
"That's the bill," said Clover, "and let's go now. I can see from thegeneral manner of my mouse that he's dying to get out and make his way inthe wide world."
"Mine the same," said Mitchell; "by George, it worries me to see suchrestless, feverish manners in what I had supposed would be a quietdomestic companion. It presages a distracted existence. But come on."
They all rose.
"Where are we goin' now?" asked Aunt Mary.
"To a roof garden," said Jack, "and we're going to take the wholemenagerie, Aunt Mary. We're going to get put in the papers. That's thegreat stunt,--to get put in the papers."
"But we'll leave the megaphones," said Mitchell. "I won't go about with amouse and a megaphone. People might think I looked silly. People are soqueer."
"Put the mouse in the megaphone
," suggested Burnett. "That's the way mymother taught me to pack when I was a kid. You put your tooth brush in ashoe, and the shoe in a sleeve and then turn the sleeve inside out. Oh, Itell you--what is home without a mother?--Put the mouse in the megaphone andstop up both ends. What are your hands and your mouth for?"
"Yes," said Mitchell, "I think I see myself so handling a megaphone thatthe mouse doesn't run out either end or into my mouth. My mouth is a goodmouth and it's served me well and I won't turn it over to a mouse at thislate day."
"Let's keep the mice in their cages," said Clover, and as he spoke hedropped his.
"Now see what you've done!" said the parrot.
"I didn't hurt it," said Clover. "Come on now."
"Yes, come on," said Burnett. "It's long after ten o'clock. You want toremember that even roof gardens are not eternally on tap."
"Well, I'm trying to hurry all I can," said Mitchell. "I'm the picture ofpatience scurrying for dear life only unable to lay hands on her gloves."
"I don't catch what's the trouble," said Aunt Mary to Jack.
[Illustration 5]
"The carriage stopped three hundred feet below the level of a roof-garden."
"Nothing's the trouble," said Jack, "everything's fine and dandy. We'regoing out now. Time of your life, Aunt Mary, time of your life!"
They telephoned for a carriage and all got in. Then Clover slammed thedoor.
"Now see what you've done!" said the parrot.
"Is he going to keep saying that?" Burnett asked.
"I don't know," said Jack. "It comes in pretty pat, don't it?"
"Makes me think of my mother," said Clover. "I wish it wouldn't."
"I don't catch who's sayin' what," said Aunt Mary.
"Nobody's saying anything, Miss Watkins," roared Mitchell; "we are alltalking airy nothings just to pass the time o' day."
The carriage stopped three hundred feet below the level of a roof garden.
"We get out here," said Burnett.
They all got out and went up in an elevator.
"Seems to be a good many goin' to the same place," said Aunt Mary.
"Yes," said Mitchell, "a good many people generally go to places that aregreat places for a good many people to go to."
"You ought not to end with a preposition," said Clover.
"There, I left my ear-trumpet in the carriage!" said Aunt Mary.
There was a pause of consternation. No one spoke except the parrot.
"We know what she's done without your telling us," said Clover, addressingthe bird. "The question is what to do next?"
Jack went back downstairs and found the carriage waiting in hopes ofpicking up another load. He lost no time in personally picking up theear-trumpet and returning to his friends.
Then they all proceeded above and bought a table and turned their chairsto the stage, where the attraction just at that moment was a quartette ofpretty girls.
"I'll tell you what we'll do," said Burnett the instant the girls began tosing. "Let's each tie a card to a mouse and present them to the girls!"
The suggestion found favor and was followed out to the letter. But whenthe girls were through and the Chinaman who followed them on the programmewas also over, the pleasures of life in that spot palled upon the party.
"Oh, come," said Burnett, "let's go somewhere else. Let's go out in theair."
His suggestion found favor. And they sallied forth and visited anotherroof garden, a theater where they saw the last quarter of the fourth act,a place where Aunt Mary was given a gondola ride, and a place where shewas given something in the shape of light refreshments.
Then, becoming thirsty, they ordered a few White Horses and Red Horses andthe Necks of yet other horses, but Aunt Mary declined the horses of allcolors and Mitchell upheld her.
"That's right," he said, "I'm a great believer in knowing when you've hadenough, and I'm sure you've all had so much too much that I know that Imust have had enough and that she's better off with none at all."
"I reckon you're right," said Clover. "I've had enough, surely. I can'tsee over my pile of little saucers, and when I can't see over my pile oflittle saucers I'm always positive that I've had enough."
Jack laughed and then ceased laughing and drew down the corners of hismouth.
"Why do people sit on chairs?" Clover asked just then. "Why don't everyonesit on the floor? You never feel as if you might slip off the floor."
"Ah," said Mitchell, "if we were not always trying to rise above Nature weshould all be sitting where Nature intended,--when we weren't swinging byour tails and picking cocoanuts."
"Come on and let's go somewhere else," said Burnett. "Every time I look atsomebody it's someone else and that makes me nervous."
"Now see what you've done!" said the parrot.
"Did you know his long suit when you bought him?" Clover asked Burnett.
"No," said Burnett; "they told me that he didn't use slang and that wasall."
It was well along in the evening--or night--and a brisk discussion arose asto where to go next.
"I'll tell you," said Clover, "we'll take a ride. Let me see what time isit?--12.30. Just the time for a drive. We'll take three cabs and sallyforth and drive up and down and back and forth in the cool night air."
"And jews-harps!" cried Burnett. "Oh, I say, there's a bully idea! We'llgo to a drug store and buy some jews-harps and play on them as we drivealong. We'll each sing our own tune, and the effect will be so novel.Let's do it."
"Jews-harps--" said Clover thoughtfully, "jews-harps for three cabs--that'llmake--let me see--that'll make--" he hesitated.
"Oh, the driver will make the change," said Burnett impatiently. "Come on.If we're going to have the cabs and jews-harps it's time to get out andtake the stump in the good cause."
"Where's my ear-trumpet?" said Aunt Mary, blankly,--"it's been leftsomewhere."
"No, it hasn't," said Mitchell. "It's here! I'm holding it for you. It'smuch easier holding it than picking it up. It seems so slippery to-night."
"I'm not going out to get the cabs," said Clover. "I thought of the ideaand someone else must work it out. I'm opposed to working after time and Icall time at midnight."
Mitchell rose with a depressed air.
"I'll go," he said. "I feel the need of a walk. When I feel the need ofanything I always take it and I've needed and taken so freely to-nightthat I need to take a walk to--"
"I don't think it funny to talk that way," said Burnett a little heatedly."If you want to get the cabs why get the cabs. I'm going to get them, too,and I reckon we can get them combined just as easy as alone."
"I will go with you," said his friend solemnly. "I will accompany youbecause I feel the need--" He stopped and turned his hat over and over. "Iknow there's a hole to put my head into," he declared, "but I can't justput my hand--I mean my head--on to--I mean, into--it."
"Do you expect to find a brass hand pointing to it?" said Burnett testily."Come on!"
"Three cabs and five--or was it six?--jews-harps?" continued Mitchelldreamily. "It must have been six, five for we five, and one for LordChesterfield--but where is Lord Chesterfield?" he asked suddenly with adisturbed glance around. "I hope he hasn't deserted and gone home."
"Come on, come on!" said Burnett. "There won't be a sober cab left if wedon't hurry while everything is still able to stand up."
This reasoning seemed to alarm Mitchell and he went out with him at once.
"My head feels awfully," said Clover to Jack. "It sort of grinds andgrates--does yours?"
Jack stared straight ahead and made no reply.
"I'm goin' home no more to roam," said Aunt Mary slowly and sadly,--"I'mgoin' home no more to roam, no more to sin an' sorrow. I'm goin' home nomore to roam--I'm goin' home to-morrow. O hum!" She heaved a heavy sigh.
"Now see what you've done!" said the parrot with emphasis.
"Never mind," said Clover bitterly. "Better people than you have
gone homebefore now; I used to do it myself before I was old enough to know worse.Will you excuse me if I say, 'Damn this buzzing in my head?'"
"I know how you feel," said Aunt Mary sympathetically. "Don't you want meto ring for the porter and have him make up your berth right away?"
Clover didn't seem to hear. His eyes were roving moodily about the room;they looked almost as faded as his mustache.
"Seems to me they're gone a long time," said Jack presently, twisting alittle in his seat. "It never takes me so long to get a cab. I hold up myhand--the man stops--and I get in--what's the matter, Aunt Mary?" He askedthe question in sudden alarm at seeing Aunt Mary bury her face hastily inher handkerchief.
"What's the matter?" he repeated loudly.
"Don't mind me," said Aunt Mary sobbing. "It's just that I happened tojust think of Lu--Lu--Lucinda--and somehow I don't seem to have no strengthto bear it."
"Split the handkerchief between us," said Clover. "I want to cry, too, andthere's no time like the present for doing what you want to do."
"Rot!" said Jack, "look here--"
He was interrupted by the return of the embassy, Mitchell bearing thejews-harps.
"What's the matter?" Burnett asked.
"Nothing," said Clover; "we were so worried over you, that's all." Burnettcalled for the bill and found that he had run out of cash; "Or maybe I'vehad my pocket picked," he suggested. "I'm beginning to be in just the moodin which I always get my pocket picked."
Jack produced a roll of bills and settled for the refreshments. Then theyall started down stairs as Aunt Mary wouldn't risk an elevator going down.
"It's all right comin' up," she said, "but if it broke when you were goingdown where'd you be?"
"In the elevator," said Clover. "I'd never jump, I know that."
"Oh, I've left my ear-trumpet," said Aunt Mary.
"Let's draw lots to see who goes back?" Burnett suggested.
They drew and the lot fell to Clover.
"I'm not going back," he said coldly. "I haven't got the energy. Let herapply the megaphone."
Jack went back.
Then they all got into the street and into the cabs. Aunt Mary and Jackwent first, Mitchell and Burnett second, and Clover brought up the rearalone.
They set off and it must be admitted that the effect of the three cabsgoing single file one after another with their five occupants giving fortha most imperfect version of his or her favorite tune, was at once noveland awe-inspiring. But like all sweet things upon this earth the concertwas not of long endurance. It was only a few minutes before the duosceased utterly to duo and the soloist in the rear fell sound asleep. Forseveral blocks there was a mournful and tell-tale lack of harmony upon theair and then the three young men seemed to have exhausted their mouths andall lapsed into a more or less conscious state of quietude.
Only Aunt Mary was indefatigable. Like Cleopatra, age seemed to have nopower to stale her infinite variety, and leaning back in her own cornershe continued to placidly and peacefully intone with disregard for timeand tune which never ruffled a wrinkle. She hadn't played on a jews-harpin sixty years, and being deaf she was pleasantly astonished at how wellshe still did it. Jack leaned in his corner with folded arms; he wasdeeply conscious of wishing that it was the next day--any day--any otherday--for the week had been a wearing one and he could not but be mortallyglad that it was so nearly over. The task of fitting the plan of AuntMary's revelries to the measure of her personal capacity had been a veryhard one and his soul panted for relief therefrom. It is one thing toundertake a task and another thing to persevere to its successfulcompletion. Aunt Mary's nephew was tired--very tired.
A little later he felt a weight against him; he looked; it was Aunt Mary'shead,--she was oblivious there on his bosom.
He heard a voice; it was the parrot.
"Now see what you've done," it said in sepulchral tones.
They reached the house, bore the honored guest within, and delivered herto Janice.
"You can have that parrot," Jack called back to the cabman. "He'sguaranteed against slang."
The cabman drove away.
Janice received them with a look which might have been construed in manyways, but they were all far past construing and the look fell to theground unheeded.
And again Aunt Mary was tucked carefully up to dream herself rested oncemore.