‘I like breakfast club,’ Max said.
‘I know, but that means you’ll be having two breakfasts.’ I couldn’t really stop the one at home when the rest of us would be eating breakfast.
‘But I’m hungry when I get to school,’ Max protested.
‘I don’t want him to be hungry,’ Caz said.
‘No, of course not.’ I let the matter go. He could have a small bowl of cereal with semi-skimmed milk at home and then toast at school as he had been doing the previous term. It shouldn’t make much difference to his diet.
‘How long will you be in hospital for?’ Max asked his mother.
‘I don’t know yet. Not long, I hope. I want to get home as soon as possible.’ Which was very different from the last time she’d been in hospital when she’d been in no hurry to go home. I assumed it was because Dan was no longer there, intimidating and assaulting her. ‘I’ve been thinking,’ she then said to me. ‘When the new term starts I want my kids to work hard and do well. I’m going to tell the girls not to visit me every night; they’ll have homework to do. So will Max. I thought that you could come at the weekend and then you and the girls could take it in turns during the week. I don’t know how long I’ll be in here, so it seems sensible.’
‘Yes, I think that’s a great idea,’ I said, relieved.
‘I’ll leave you to sort out with the girls which days you want to visit. Just make sure I’m not left all alone with no visitors at all.’
‘You won’t be,’ I reassured her and we both smiled. How different Caz was now from the person I’d first met. Perhaps the shock of everything that had happened to her had given her a chance to re-evaluate her life and realize what was important. Going home to a house where she wouldn’t be shouted at, abused and belittled must have been a great relief. I liked her now. She was someone I could be friends with and, of course, it would help Max enormously to see us chatting and getting along.
Chapter Twenty-Four
Tell Max I Love Him
We stayed at the hospital for over an hour and then left when Caz’s daughters arrived so there was room for them around the bed. On Sunday afternoon we visited again, but because I had Adrian and Paula with me I left Max with his mother for about an hour while we went up to the hospital café. I was pleased Caz had suggested visiting on alternate nights during the week; it would help me enormously. On Sunday, when we went to collect Max from the ward, the girls were there and we discussed which evenings would suit us best to visit and decided that I’d bring Max on Tuesday, Thursday and at the weekends, and they’d visit Monday, Wednesday and Friday. Caz agreed this sounded fine, but said again that she mustn’t be left without any visitors. She seemed vulnerable and needy, which was hardly surprising as she was in hospital after another operation.
When we arrived home I noted the contact arrangements we’d decided on in my diary and fostering log, and would update Lorraine and Jill when I next spoke to them. I thought the arrangements should work well, but then that evening I’d just got the children into bed at a reasonable time, ready for the start of the new school term the following morning, when the phone rang. I answered it in the kitchen, where I’d started clearing up. It was Kelly and she was in a right pickle.
‘I forgot to get Mum the stuff she wanted,’ she blurted. ‘We’re all back at school tomorrow and won’t have a chance to go shopping during the day. There won’t be enough time after school to get it and our dinner before we have to get the bus to the hospital. I asked Bet, but she’s back at work now. I told Mum I’d do it, but Paris and Summer should have reminded me. It’s unfair to leave it all to me.’
‘All right, calm down. I’m sure I can help.’ Which I assumed was the reason she was phoning me. ‘Tell me what your mother wants and I’ll take it there tomorrow.’
‘I’ve got a list,’ she said.
I slid my shopping list and the pen I kept beside it towards me. ‘OK, read it out.’
‘Tissues. Hand wipes,’ Kelly began, leaving time between each item for me to write it down. ‘Sanitary towels, maxi. Toothpaste, a cheap one. I took in her toothbrush, but we didn’t have a spare toothpaste at home.’
‘OK. Don’t worry.’
‘A face flannel. Her one is worn out.’
‘All right. Anything else?’
‘She needs a new nightdress. She only has the one she’s wearing now and that needs washing. It’s got blood on it.’
‘OK. I’ll get one. What sort of nightdress does she like?’
‘She said nothing fancy.’
‘Cotton?’
‘Dunno. But it’s size twenty-six. There won’t be much choice. There never is in the big sizes.’
‘All right, I’ll find something. Anything else?’
‘Just some sweets. She asked for sherbet lemons to freshen up her mouth.’
I added sherbet lemons to my list. ‘Is that everything?’
‘Yes. She’ll pay you, she has her purse with her.’
‘OK. I’ll drop them off as soon as I can tomorrow afternoon.’
‘Thanks. I forgot about her stuff. I had to get my books sorted for college.’
‘Are you managing all right?’
‘Yes. Bet keeps phoning and comes in each day. We’ve got to try and not be late tomorrow on our first day back at school and college.’
‘Have you got an alarm clock?’
‘Yeah, we’ve taken the one from Mum’s room.’
‘Well, good luck for tomorrow. It’s bound to be a wrench the first day after the long summer holidays. It will be for us.’
‘Yeah, I know. Thanks for getting Mum’s stuff.’
‘You’re welcome. Just as well I had a free day.’
So Monday wasn’t to be the ‘free’ day I’d originally imagined when, having dropped off the children at school and nursery, I’d planned to return home, have a cup of coffee, tidy up and then do a spot of gardening. As it was, the girls weren’t the only ones struggling to get back into the school routine. I had to chivvy along Max, Adrian and Paula so that we left the house on time. I met traffic taking Max to breakfast club and on the way back. I saw Adrian into school and Paula to nursery, where I spent longer than I should have done chatting to other mothers I hadn’t seen during the summer holidays. I didn’t return home but drove straight into town to the shopping mall. I found all the toiletries Caz wanted under one roof in the large chemist, and also the bag of sherbet lemons. Why a chemist should stock sweets I had no idea, but I added them to my basket. Caz had been through a lot and she’d specifically asked for these sweets, so it would have been cruel to deny her them, even though they were solid sugar. I thought that, given the number of bags of sweets she was used to consuming every night, it was showing some restraint only asking for one.
Choosing a nightdress for Caz proved more difficult. It’s quite a personal piece of clothing and although there wasn’t a massive selection in her size – as Kelly had warned – I had no idea what her style and colour preferences were. I ummed and ahhed and dithered, and as I held up the various nightdresses, trying to decide what would suit her best, I had an overwhelming sense of sadness for Caz and momentarily choked up. Being alone in her hospital bed, with only one nightdress and a worn-out face flannel, and asking for cheap toothpaste, seemed to demean her, leaving her frail and exposed.
I eventually chose a knee-length cotton nightdress with short sleeves in a pretty, delicate floral print. If Caz didn’t like it, I could always exchange it. I headed back to the car, buying a bottle of water on the way, and then went straight to nursery to collect Paula. I anticipated us going home for some lunch and then to the hospital with Caz’s shopping, from where we’d probably have to go straight back to school to collect Adrian. However, when Paula came out of nursery she was hand in hand with one of her friends whom she hadn’t seen over the summer. Her mother, Kay, whom I’d been chatting to, then asked if Paula would like to go home with them for some lunch and I could pick her up on my way to collect Adrian
from school.
‘I’m sure she’d love to,’ I said. We took it in turns to have the girls to lunch, but this offer was perfect. Paula could spend the afternoon playing with her friend rather than coming with me to the hospital.
I kissed Paula goodbye, told her I would see her later and thanked Kay. Then I drove home, had a quick soup and sandwich lunch and went to the hospital with the carrier bag containing Caz’s shopping. Visiting hours were from 1.30 p.m., which would allow me an hour if Caz wanted to chat before I had to return to collect Paula and Adrian.
Arriving outside the ward, I gave the sanitizer on the wall a couple of pumps and rubbed the antiseptic gel onto my hands, then went through the double doors and onto the ward, followed by a few other early visitors. Caz was in bed, awake and propped up on her pillows, her gaze trained on the double doors. She was surprised and, dare I say it, pleased to see me and heaved herself into a more upright sitting position.
‘What a nice surprise,’ she said and, without thinking, offered her cheek for kissing as she did to Max. I kissed it. ‘I wasn’t expecting to see anyone until this evening.’
‘No, well, I had an urgent call from Kelly,’ I said as I pulled up a chair.
‘About what?’ she asked, immediately concerned. ‘What’s wrong?’
‘No, nothing bad,’ I quickly reassured her. ‘Kelly phoned me yesterday evening, worried because she’d forgotten to get the things you wanted.’
‘Again!’ she sighed.
‘They’ve all been busy getting ready for school and college today,’ I explained.
‘Well, that’s something, I suppose.’
‘Don’t worry, I think I’ve got the things you wanted. I hope they’re all right.’ I placed the carrier bag on the bed beside her.
‘Thank you. That’s kind. Did they give you the list then?’ she asked, opening the bag.
‘Yes, Kelly read it out over the phone.’
‘Oh, you are good.’ She rummaged in the bag. ‘You’ve got everything. Even the nightdress.’ She took it out and held it up.
‘I can change it if you don’t like it,’ I said.
‘No, it’s beautiful. I do like it. It’s really, really pretty and in my size.’ But then her face crumpled and her eyes filled with tears.
‘Oh, Caz, what’s the matter?’ I took the box of tissues from the carrier bag and, tearing off the lid, passed it to her.
‘Thanks,’ she sniffed, wiping her eyes.
‘What is it?’ I asked gently.
‘It’s your kindness. You’re so thoughtful. I don’t deserve it.’
‘Of course you do,’ I said, touching her arm, and ridiculously I welled up too. ‘Stop it or you’ll have me in tears.’
She managed a small smile and wiped her eyes again. ‘Thank you, the nightdress is lovely. I badly needed a new one. I do like it.’
‘Good. You’re welcome.’
‘My purse is in that drawer,’ she said, pointing to her bedside cabinet. ‘Can you pass it to me?’
I hesitated. ‘Caz, let me treat you to this.’
‘No, you can’t do that,’ she protested.
‘I’d like to and the toiletries didn’t cost much. It makes up for the fruit I haven’t bought you.’
‘It cost a lot more than fruit!’ she said.
‘I’d like to treat you, so let me. It would make me happy. OK?’
She gave a small nod, but her face clouded again and she rested her head back on the pillow with a sigh.
‘What’s the matter, love? You seem a bit tearful today.’ I leaned in closer. There wasn’t much privacy on the ward and the next bed was just the other side of the partially drawn curtain. She shrugged. ‘You’ve had to cope with a lot – two big operations.’
‘I need to get home,’ she said. ‘I’m worried it won’t be long before the social services kick off over the girls being there by themselves. Kelly’s not eighteen yet, not for another two months.’
‘They seem to be doing all right,’ I said. ‘And Bet is there quite a bit.’ Although Caz was right. The girls, while teenagers, were still minors, so they wouldn’t be allowed to live alone for very long.
‘Bet said if the social services said anything she’d move in temporarily.’
‘Good. So try not to worry.’
‘The trouble is, in here you have too much time to think and worry.’
‘I can imagine. What else are you worrying about?’ I asked gently.
‘Everything,’ she sighed. ‘The girls, Max and me. I’m not going to make old bones and I worry what will happen to them.’
‘Caz, you’re doing fine,’ I said. ‘You’ve got a bit down, feeling unwell and with the operations. But you’re recovering now.’
‘I hope so,’ she agreed. ‘Max is only young. If anything happened to me, would you keep him?’
‘Caz, don’t say that!’ I said, taken aback. ‘You’re getting stronger each day. You’ll be out of here very soon, I’m sure. And what would the girls say if I kept Max?’ I added with a smile, trying to lighten her mood. ‘They wouldn’t be very pleased.’
‘No, you’re right there,’ she said. ‘They miss him. They didn’t really have much to do with him when he was living at home – he was always in his room. But since he’s not been there they’ve really missed him. They’ll appreciate him more when he comes home. We all will.’ She paused.
‘Yes?’ I prompted.
‘I need to try to help the girls like you’re helping Max,’ she said. ‘I don’t want them ending up like me. I blame my stepfather for the way I am – a big fat blob who’s eating herself to death. But the only person to blame for how my kids are is me. I don’t want them to lead the life I’ve led. I want them to be happy, do well at school and find partners who treat them nice. Not have to put up with being treated like dog’s dirt because they think they don’t deserve any better. Paris had the courage to stand up to her father, but I’m not sure Kelly or Summer would have. They’re more like me. Paris is feisty, but even so she overeats. What must they think? I’ve given my kids a death sentence.’ Her eyes filled and she reached for another tissue.
‘Caz, I’m sure they don’t blame you,’ I said. ‘They love you, very much. I see it when you’re all together.’
She shook her head. ‘I need to talk to them, try to explain why I’m like this, the person I am. They need to understand that because I can’t show them affection it doesn’t mean I don’t love them. I’ve never talked to them about what happened to me; I should. I also have to help them lose weight so they don’t end up like me. I’m beyond help, but there’s time for them to change and make something of themselves.’
It was heartbreaking to hear her talk like this and I felt tears sting my eyes. ‘Caz, of course you’re not beyond help,’ I said. ‘That’s ridiculous. You will get much better with time.’
‘I’m an invalid and will be for the rest of my life, and if I don’t lose a lot of weight soon, I’ll be dead. The surgeon said as much. You see that woman in the bed over there?’ she said, lowering her voice. ‘She thought I was the same age as her, sixty-eight. I’m not forty yet, Cathy, but look at the state of me. I don’t want the same for my children. I’ve got to try and help them.’
It was pitiful to hear, although sadly much of what she said was true. Obesity and the ill health resulting from it had aged her, made her an invalid and would kill her if she didn’t act fast to help herself. I wanted to reach out and hug her, comfort her as I would a child, but I knew how uncomfortable she was with physical contact – a legacy from all the years of sexual abuse she’d suffered as a child.
‘Caz,’ I said after a moment. ‘Have you thought about going into therapy – as a family? It does help some people.’
She gave a small nod. ‘The social worker before Jo mentioned it, but Dan was with us then and put a stop to it. Once I’m home I’ll ask Jo or Lorraine. I’ll try anything that might help. Thank you for your concern. You’re very kind. If I’d had you in my life,
how different it might have been.’ She let out a heartfelt sigh and her eyes filled.
‘You were a victim, Caz. You’ve suffered a lot, but it’s not too late to undo some of the harm that was done to you so you can move on with your life. You sent Dan packing and that took a lot of courage.’
‘With Paris’s help.’ She was silent for a moment, then gazed down at her new nightdress lying across the bed, lightly running her fingers over the material. ‘It’s a very pretty fabric,’ she said presently. ‘I wouldn’t have had the confidence to choose it. I’d have thought it was too pretty for me. I grew up believing I was unattractive and no one has told me any different.’
A lump rose in my throat. I swallowed hard and struggled to find the words that would make Caz feel better about herself. ‘You know beauty comes from within.’
‘I know,’ she said with a small, ironic smile. ‘But it helps if you don’t look like a barrel.’ She continued to finger the delicate print of the nightdress. ‘I’m going to put it on now,’ she said, tearing off the store’s tag that I’d left on in case it needed to be changed. ‘It’ll make me feel better. Could you help me? I’m well covered up underneath.’
‘Yes, of course.’ I stood and drew the curtains further around her bed so she had some privacy. Then, as she raised her arms above her head, I helped her out of the nightdress she was wearing and into the new one. ‘It looks good,’ I said. ‘Really suits you.’ She smoothed it down under her. I opened the curtains and sat down again.
‘Shall I take this one home for washing?’ I asked, picking up the nightdress she’d been wearing.
‘You’re not doing my washing as well,’ she said. ‘Leave it in the cabinet and I’ll give it to the girls when they come this evening.’
I folded up the nightdress and placed it in the cabinet, and then glanced at the clock on the wall. I’d have to go soon. Caz was still looking at the material of her new nightdress.
‘It suits you,’ I said again, ‘so don’t tell me you can’t wear attractive clothes.’