I have fostered many children with very challenging behaviour who used talking over me as a means of control. One ten-year-old boy I looked after would start to speak loudly each and every time I began to talk. Not only was it disrespectful, but the child couldn’t hear what I was saying and therefore had no idea what I had just asked him to do. He came from a family where everyone shouted the whole time and never listened to what anyone else was saying. After a very short time of living with me he found that if he listened to what I was saying he would know what to do, which earned him praise, and also that when he spoke, everyone listened to what he had to say.
Selfishness
If you find that your child continually satisfies his or her own needs to the exclusion of others’ (including yours and your partner’s) – for example, by grabbing or pushing in first – you will need to deal with each and every instance, as this is another form of control. It may sound like hard work, but politeness, taking turns and being aware of others’ feelings is relatively painless for a child to master and can easily earn your praise. For example, tell your child when it is their sibling’s turn in a game or to watch their favourite television programme; or that he or she has to play quietly in the early morning when their father is on night shift, as he needs to sleep.
This is about making a child aware that others have needs and feelings separate from theirs, which must be respected and accommodated. Explain to your child the needs of others as they arise, and demonstrate through action. Request – ‘I’m sorry, Jack, I’ve just sat down to read the paper. If you can’t find your toy lorry, play with something else. I’ll help you look for it later.’ If Jack persists, whining and whinging that he needs his lorry now, Repeat what you have said, then Reaffirm with the sanction. If necessary, exaggerate and elevate your own needs and feelings or those of a sibling until the balance is corrected.
Being aware of, and sensitive to, the needs of others is fundamental to being an emotional healthy child and adult. A child who is self-centred and continually demanding (especially if this behaviour is combined with other challenging behaviour) is not only exhausting for the parent but unfair to siblings. Left uncorrected the child is likely to become a selfish and manipulative adult who believes others are there purely to satisfy his or her own needs – the prisons are full of such people.
Throwing things
If your child automatically resorts to throwing things when they are angry or don’t get their own way, make him or her pick up the objects. I’ve fostered many children who throw things in anger, often because their parents do. Indeed it is surprising just how many otherwise responsible adults resort to hurling objects when angry or upset; make sure you’re not one of them. Throwing things not only causes breakages to property but is also very dangerous to others, and is indicative of the person being out of control. While a soft toy is unlikely to do any real harm if thrown, a sharp or heavy object will. If a child picks up something ready to throw, tell them to put it down and then move swiftly to remove it from them.
One child I fostered, who regularly threw things at school, was never stopped, as the school operated a policy (in line with many schools) of no physical intervention because of the worry of being sued by parents. The child had long since stopped throwing things at home with me, after the first two incidents where I had taken away his ammunition and imposed a sanction. However, at school the child had learned that he could hold an entire class to ransom by picking up something heavy and threatening to throw it. After one particularly nasty incident when he threw a compass, which narrowly missed a child’s face, and where the teacher had had time to intervene, I persuaded the school to physically stop him the next time he did such a thing and impose a sanction, reassuring them that I wouldn’t sue. They did, and the child never threw anything again, having lost face in front of the whole class.
Throwing, or threatening to throw an object, together with all other negative behaviour, is a way of manipulating a situation and cannot be tolerated. Don’t ever be tempted to laugh it off.
Blackmail
A child should never be allowed to dominate or manipulate you by blackmail. ‘I’ll scream if you don’t give me …’ said in the middle of a crowded supermarket must never get the child what he or she wants. You should deal with it as you deal with all the child’s negative and controlling behaviour, by Requesting, Repeating and Reaffirming, with a sanction if necessary. Tell the child that that isn’t how he or she asks for something and you don’t respond to threats.
If you give in once, the child will remember, and you will face a scene each time you don’t give the child what he or she demands.
Maintaining Control
We have now looked in detail at situations where a child’s behaviour is unacceptable and how to change it, using the 3Rs technique. But to change your child’s behaviour successfully and lastingly you may need to change some of your own behaviour, in order to regain and maintain control. It is likely that if your child is repeatedly challenging you, then he or she has usurped your position and claimed your authority. What follows has its roots in basic psychology and, together with the strategies we have looked at, will put you firmly in charge as ‘leader of the pack’.
Body language
The way you present yourself to others, through the way you hold and move your body, is known as body language and, together with the tone of your voice, gives many signals about how you expect to be treated. These non-verbal messages are subconsciously picked up and interpreted by the person you are talking to, who then bases his or her attitude and behaviour towards you on them. This is why if you are feeling positive about a particular outcome in a given situation the outcome is likely to be positive: you give off many subtle, non-verbal signals that you are expecting to achieve what you want. The reverse is also true, and it applies to adults and children.
Take a few minutes to analyse the way you present yourself to your child. This will in effect be the way he or she perceives you. When dealing with challenging behaviour, would you take yourself seriously and do as you asked if the roles were reversed and you were the child? Are you giving off the right signals? If the answer is no, or unlikely, then you need to consciously change the way you present yourself, so that you send messages of confidence and authority.
Draw back your shoulders so that you are holding yourself upright, make eye contact, take a deep breath and then in a calm, even and firm voice tell the child what it is you want them to do or stop doing, i.e. your Request. Your body language needs to give the clear message that you expect what you say to be taken seriously and acted on, and failure to do so (in a reasonable time) will result in a sanction. If the child doesn’t respond, then maintain your authoritative stance and Repeat your Request, then Reaffirm with the sanction if necessary.
After a while of consciously doing this it will become second nature, so that whenever you are faced with confrontational behaviour you will automatically become your authoritative self. Look upon it a bit like acting on stage – you are playing the part of the ‘stern’ parent; teachers do it all the time to maintain control of a class. When you are playing with your child, and for most other times, obviously you will be your usual warm and loving self, but for disciplining you need to be a figure of authority to whom the child responds.
You lead
Never let your child push ahead of you; when you open a door, you go in first with the child following. This may seem petty, but it is one of many indicators of who is in charge and ‘leader of the pack’ – the leader leads. As you open the door, whether it is the front door, shop door or shed door, go in first, and if the child pushes in or darts in ahead of you call him or her back – ‘Excuse me, Jack, don’t push ahead of me, please’ – and go in first. The new order will very quickly become so automatic for both of you that after a week or so only a few reminders will be needed.
Your chair
Likewise, if your child grabs the chair in the lounge where you were about to sit,
or jumps into the chair you have just vacated and where you were to return to a few moments later, ask your child to move. You can smile but be firm –‘Come on, Jack, you know I was sitting there. Find somewhere else to sit, please.’ Your child is not simply taking your seat, but trying to take your position (and status) and therefore authority.
Grabbing the seat of an adult is often more prevalent when there is a large gathering of family or friends, and the challenging child needs to reassert and regain his or her control within the new group. The child may also try to dominate the new group by speaking loudly and continuously, or being very demanding.
I fostered a ten-year-old boy once who, whenever we visited my parents, dashed into the lounge and sat in my father’s adjustable armchair, although he knew that that was where my father sat. The child had quickly realised, albeit subconsciously, that when we visited my parents, my father automatically became head of the family, and this was the child’s way of challenging my father’s position and vying for control.
The first couple of times we visited, the boy created such a scene when I asked him to sit in one of the other chairs, as other family members were doing, that my father was embarrassed and kept saying, ‘It’s OK, he can sit there. I’ll sit in another chair.’ But it wasn’t OK, for reasons unconnected with the actual sitting in the chair but to do with respect for my father and the hierarchy of the group. As with the child’s other challenging behaviour, he was trying to dominate – in this case my father – as he was trying to dominate me at home, and as he had been doing with his mother.
I would add that that child had some of the worst behavioural problems I have ever seen, but when he eventually learnt how carefree it was simply being a child, he turned into an absolute delight, cooperative but full of character.
Your phone
If your child has become leader of the pack, he or she will be dominating every possible situation, overtly or less obviously. Be on the lookout for situations when this is happening and stop it. For example, do not let your child answer the house phone each and every time it rings. This too is a form of control, where he or she is monitoring, and in charge of, your phone calls. Your child can answer the phone when you ask him or her to. Likewise, I see no reason for a child ever to answer your mobile, which is personal to you, unless you are in the bathroom and you have asked your child to answer it as a favour to you.
When you are speaking on the phone, does your child appear instantly and listen to your conversations, even interrupting as you speak? No longer. Either move to another room or tell your child to go and play quietly until you have finished speaking on the phone. Apart from the smallest of toddlers, where you will be keeping an eye on them the whole time, older children do not need to be party to your conversations.
If your child persists in being present or keeps trying to talk to you, making your phone conversation impossible, ask the caller if you can back later, and deal with your child’s behaviour. Tell your child that when you are on the phone he or she needs to play quietly; otherwise you will impose a sanction. Not only is it frustrating for you to keep having to interrupt your phone conversation to answer your child but your child is controlling you and, as with all other controlling behaviour, it is not acceptable.
Your conversation
The same applies if you are talking to another adult in person: it is a private conversation and your child should not keep interrupting. If you meet another adult in the street or supermarket, for example, or they drop by for coffee, you are entitled to have your conversation without constant interruptions. Clearly, if it is a conversation that the child should not overhear, then save the conversation until the child isn’t present, but otherwise there is no reason not to talk to your friends and associates. Adults often go out of their way to include a child in a conversation, but this isn’t necessary or advisable. A child who isn’t vying for control won’t continuously challenge you by interrupting – the child simply won’t be interested in your conversation; but the child who insists on being party to everything you say or do is dominating you.
Tell your child that when you are talking to an adult, wherever it is, he or she should not interrupt. You will need to enforce this as and when it happens, sanctioning if necessary.
Food
Food and mealtimes can present another challenge for a parent with a child who has become leader of the pack. If you have modified your mealtimes and what you eat to accommodate your child, stop and reverse the situation. Call the family to the dinner table at the time you and your partner have decided is dinner time, and insist all your children are present. Present the nutritious and well-balanced meal, of which all the children will eat what they want and leave what they don’t want. Obviously don’t force your child to eat something he or she really dislikes – all children have food preferences. Don’t make a big issue about what your child hasn’t eaten. Clear away the plates when the meal has finished.
Don’t pander to a child’s fussy ways and don’t be tempted to give them something different if he or she has eaten little. Food refusal in a child who is dominating you will have more to do with control than not wishing to eat. You will find that the child who is using food as a means of controlling and manipulating you will like something one day and reject it another. Children know from early on that it is very important for you, as the mother, to see your children well fed, but food is about satiating hunger, not power and control. Giving the child something different (at the meal table or later) will prove to the child that he or she has status above the rest of the family and is in control. Obviously if your child has special dietary needs, or is under the doctor, you will follow medical advice, but assuming your child is healthy, he or she should eat with the family and what the family eats, leaving what he or she dislikes.
Family norm
If your child has become leader of the pack, apart from pandering to food fads you will probably have been pandering to his or her wishes in general, modifying your behaviour and that of the family to suit the child and avoid a scene. From day one of turning around your child, he or she must now fit in with the family norm and not dictate it. Of course you should consider your child’s preferences when they are made reasonably and not demanded, but the child should ultimately adhere to the family, and not the family to the child.
One girl I know from a very loving and caring family had, by the age of five, complete control of her parents, and also her brother, who was older by three years. The family revolved around the girl and her needs, and didn’t do anything unless it had the girl’s seal of approval. Her dominance extended to family activities and outings, which were tailored to what she wanted.
One of many incidents took place on a Sunday morning, when the parents decided they would like to go ice skating, which the parents and older boy enjoyed and were good at, but which the girl wasn’t good at and therefore didn’t like – this was the reason the family seldom went. The parents, reasonably, said that if the girl didn’t want to join in the skating she could sit by the rink and watch, as many others did. They paid and went in, but the girl set up such a scene – a full tantrum – that the family abandoned their trip without even getting on the ice, and went home.
The older brother, although bitterly disappointed, as he loved skating, said nothing, aware his sister’s wishes always dominated and any protest on his part was pointless. Not only was this clearly unfair to the boy, who grew up feeling his views didn’t matter, but it gave the girl ultimate control, with an unrealistic perception of her needs being continually met to the exclusion of everyone else’s. Four years on and the situation remains the same, and although the grandparents are aware of the girl’s dominance they don’t feel they have the right to criticise.
I’ll say more of siblings later, but for now make sure that all children in the family have equal status and confirm to the family norm.
No excuses
A good indication that your child has gained control is your willingness to
excuse your child. Do you find yourself making excuses for your child’s behaviour, to friends, family, neighbours and even yourself? ‘Jack is tired/not himself/sickening for something’ or even ‘likes his own way’. If your child’s behaviour needs excusing, then the behaviour is unacceptable. As leader of your pack you should be confident that you can take your child anywhere, into any social situation – restaurants, cinema, church, the homes of friends and family – and that your child can be relied upon to behave correctly. If not, your child is dominating you through his or her unreasonable behaviour, and you need to change this.
Often a child who is in control will use the presence of others to exert control, aware you will not want to chastise him or her in front of others with the possibility of a scene. Don’t be intimidated; deal with the unacceptable behaviour, using the 3Rs, just as you would at home, and your child will remember for the next time. No more excuses. As leader of the pack, you are in charge, and have the right to lead your pack anywhere you please and expect acceptable behaviour.
Reforming Siblings
The basic strategy for turning around a sibling group is in many ways the same as that for one child. The dos and don’ts set the atmosphere and ground rules for one child so that siblings develop and flourish as individuals, as well as nurturing their cooperation and negotiation as part of the family group. If, however, this hasn’t happened in your house and your children are out of control, individually and collectively, here are some strategies for turning around their behaviour and getting them back on track.