Neither can you protect your son or daughter from all undesirable influences. Antisocial or unsafe behaviour can seem very exciting and appealing to a teen, but by this age your son or daughter should have developed a sufficient moral code (thanks to you), and self-regulation, to generally make the right decision when it comes to what is acceptable or safe. If they do make errors of judgement, which they will all do at some time and to some extent, you will have to support them as they work through the ‘fallout’ from their bad decision and learn from their mistakes.
If you know your son or daughter is associating with someone who has a reputation for unsafe or antisocial behaviour, the worst thing you can do is to criticise their choice of friends and try to stop them from seeing them. This will result in your son or daughter being put in the position of having to defend their friend, even if they don’t want to; and they will take your criticism personally. It is likely to drive the undesirable friendship underground, and your teen will be less likely to tell you anything about their friends in future. Encourage your son or daughter in their positive friendships – ‘James seems good company’ – but conversely don’t say, ‘Wayne is a bad lot.’
Tom has just been describing in great detail, and with much admiration, that when he was out with Wayne the night before, Wayne was pissed as a newt, graffitied a wall with a can of spray paint and urinated in a bus shelter, before throwing up in someone’s geranium pot.
While clearly you will not share Tom’s enthusiasm or admiration for Wayne’s activities, neither must you show your true shock or horror. The fact that Tom is telling you at all is very positive: it means he feels comfortable with you and the line of communication is still open. Listen to what he tells you and when he stops (he is waiting for your reaction) say evenly something like, ‘I’m glad you don’t drink to the extent Wayne does. I expect he will be feeling very sorry for himself today.’ This is not confrontational and shows that you have considered what Tom has told you rather than just dismissing it out of hand. It won’t put Tom on the defensive, as there is no criticism; indeed there is praise for Tom’s responsible drinking. Tom won’t be able to disagree with your statement about Wayne suffering from drinking to excess; indeed the chances are Tom has already received a text from Wayne to that effect.
Likewise, if sixteen-year-old Claire tells you, with some relish, that her friend Tracey is allowed to wear make-up for school, go clubbing every Friday and Saturday night until 4.00 a.m. and have her boyfriend sleep over (all of which some sixteen-year-old girls do), then you can nod in appreciation that she has told you and say, ‘I’m so pleased you don’t. I’d be very worried if you did.’ This acknowledges that Claire has the responsibility for making her own decisions and that she has made the correct one, and that you admire and respect her for it.
Provide a relaxing and welcoming atmosphere when your older teen brings friends home, but at the same time don’t give them the run of the house or have your rules compromised. Music blaring at 1.00 a.m. if you have to be up for work the following morning is not acceptable, and you will need to tell Tom (or Claire) and their friends that the music should be turned down. Similarly don’t let your teen and their friends take over the house when you are not there. This may be more difficult, as many parents arrive home from work after their teen has returned from school or college. Repeat the boundaries of acceptable behaviour to your teen and don’t let your home become a drop-in centre, which it can easily do – a nice warm comfortable house with no adults can be a magnet for teens to gather in. Tell your teen what is acceptable. For example, Tom or Claire can have their friends round after school a couple of times a week but not every day.
If your teen and their friends are not respectful of your property when you are absent, with stains appearing on the carpet and the fridge stripped bare, then tell them that if this behaviour doesn’t stop they will have their friends home only when you are present. It’s not harsh; it is reasonable. Tell your teen that when they have friends round they are responsible for their friend’s behaviour and you expect them to monitor it and uphold your house rules. If you take off your shoes when coming into the house, for instance, then expect Tom or Claire to ask their friends to do the same. If your teen is not allowed to use your laptop, then they need to remember this when they have friends round.
As when your teen was younger and had friends in, if everyone knows what is expected, it makes for a more relaxed and homely atmosphere. Friends feel included as part of the family and you don’t have to seethe in silence, uncomfortable about correcting unacceptable behaviour and wishing their friends would go.
Smoking, alcohol and drug abuse
Alcohol, cigarettes and non-prescription drugs will become an issue for all teens at some point, even if it is only to refuse them. A recent study in the UK showed that by the age of sixteen, 31 per cent of girls and 16 per cent of boys are regularly smoking. A similar figure was found in the US, with 80 per cent of adult smokers having started smoking by the age of eighteen. In the UK 28 per cent of eighteen-year-olds are drinking regularly (more than two drinking sessions a week) and often drinking to excess. A recent survey in the UK found that 42 per cent of boys and 35 per cent of girls admitted they had tried illegal drugs at least once by the age of sixteen. These issues are part of our society and cannot be ignored.
Drinking alcohol is an intrinsic part of many cultures and a social pursuit in itself – going out for a drink or ‘down the pub’ is a social meeting point. Alcohol is also used to celebrate most special occasions from ‘wetting the baby’s head’ to weddings, birthdays and finally the wake after the funeral. If your teen is going to drink alcohol, which the majority will at some point, teach them how to drink sensibly. One of the best ways to do this is to set a good example. It’s no good admonishing your teen for staggering home drunk if that’s what you and your partner do every Friday and Saturday night. If your teen does come home legless, and throws up on the hall carpet, don’t remonstrate with them while they are under the influence: at best it will be a waste of everyone’s time, and at worse it could develop into an ugly scene. Put your drunk teen to bed, safely on their side so that they don’t choke, with a bucket within reach, and leave discussion until the following day, when they will be more coherent and more receptive to what you have to say.
If drinking to excess becomes a regular pastime for your teen, then you need to tighten the guidelines and do some serious talking. When your teen is sober, explain to them the effects that binge drinking is having on their body, and that not only is it ruining their health but that you find their behaviour totally unacceptable. Although it is illegal for children under the age of eighteen to buy alcohol, it is unrealistic to quote this as a deterrent. If a teen wants to drink, then they will be able to obtain alcohol, either by buying it themselves (if they look older) or getting an older friend to buy it, or by simply taking it from their parents’ cupboard. It is much better to appeal to your teen’s reason and judgement by pointing out the damage excessive drinking is doing to their bodies, and by setting a good example yourself through drinking sensibly. The damage done to the young person’s body through binge drinking cannot be understated. There are people now in their twenties dying from liver failure due to prolonged binge drinking in their teens.
Similarly, the dangers of cigarette smoking and taking non-prescription drugs cannot be understated. All schools, as part of their PSHE (Personal, Social and Health Education), include programmes which examine drug abuse; and cigarettes are a drug, albeit a legal one. Indeed studies have shown that nicotine is more addictive than heroin, and a more difficult habit to break. A recent piece of research which looked at brain scans of ex-smokers who had quit twenty to thirty years before found that the pathways in the brain associated with addiction had been permanently altered, and had still not returned to normal even though the ex-smoker hadn’t smoked for thirty years. If you suspect your son or daughter is smoking, talk to them calmly about the dangers and make it c
lear how worried you are, then make it as difficult as possible for them to smoke by banning smoking from the house, garden and car. Recent legislation in the UK that banned smoking in public places has dramatically reduced the number of smokers.
There is a huge assortment of illegal drugs that are easily available and relatively cheap. They fall into three categories: stimulants, which increase the activity in the central nervous system – for example, cocaine, crack and ecstasy; depressants, which reduce the activity in the central nervous system – for example, heroin, solvents and barbiturates; and hallucinogens, which alter the user’s perception – for example, LSD, cannabis and magic mushrooms. There are many reasons why young people take drugs, including boosting confidence, peer pressure, obtaining a temporary feeling of euphoria – a high – and helping them to forget abuse. All drugs do short- and long-term damage to the organs of the user, and drug dependency ruins lives across all cultures and social classes. Many of the children I have fostered were brought into care because their parents were drug dependent and could no longer look after themselves, let alone their children.
Talk to your son and daughter about drugs and be alert for signs that he or she is using them:
* angry outbursts, mood swings, irritability, dramatic change in attitude or behaviour, including talking incoherently or making inappropriate remarks
* secretive or suspicious behaviour
* deterioration of physical appearance and grooming
* wearing sunglasses and/or long-sleeved shirts frequently or at inappropriate times
* frequent absences from college
* neglect of family with an inability to relax or have fun at home
* continuously short of money, frequent borrowing, selling possessions, or stealing
* abandoning or spending less time on activities he or she used to enjoy – for example, hobbies, sports, and socialising
* associating with known drug users and dropping old friends (who don’t use drugs).
Many of these indicators are part of normal teen behaviour, so don’t jump to conclusions, but be alert for any sudden change in behaviour. If you suspect your son or daughter is taking illegal drugs, don’t over-react, but approach them sensibly and on an adult level. Sit down with them and talk about your concerns, and listen to what they have to say. Although over 40 per cent of boys and 30 per cent of girls will, by the age of sixteen, have experimented with drugs the vast majority will not become drug dependent – not on illegal drugs at least.
If your teen is already drug dependent, and using regularly, get professional help, and fast. You will need to be very supportive of your son or daughter, and for a very long time, as he or she follows a drug rehabilitation programme. Sometimes parents need to take very drastic action in order to help their child – for example, by committing them to a residential rehab unit.
One friend of mine, on the advice of her twenty-five-year-old son’s drug counsellor, had to move him out of the family home and into a bed-sit, after he remained addicted to heroin despite many programmes and her unfailing support. Apart from the stress and worry it was causing her and the rest of the family, it was felt that continuing to provide her son with food and lodgings was fuelling his drug habit by putting money in his pocket to spend on heroin. Drastic, but she’d tried everything else, and the family still saw each other regularly.
A year later, and he has stayed on the drug rehabilitation programme, taking methadone (carefully prescribed and monitored) in place of heroin to allow his body and mind time to adjust without suffering the effects of withdrawing. Unfortunately, once a young person is drug dependent there is no quick solution.
Sex and relationships
Despite what the media often portray, the majority (approximately 85 per cent) of teenagers will not engage in a sexual relationship until they are sixteen years of age or older, with three in ten leaving it until after nineteen. But as teens develop and mature (emotionally and physically) at different rates, it is advisable for you to consider the advice and guidelines you will be putting in place well before they are needed. Clearly you will have been talking to your child, age appropriately, about bodily changes, sex and relationships, since he or she first innocently asked, ‘Mummy [or Daddy], where do babies come from?’ It is only now, however, that all your words of wisdom will be put to the test, adhered to (you hope), sometimes questioned and occasionally flaunted.
If the pathways of communication have been kept open and you are tuned into your teen, you will have a good idea when he or she is considering embarking on his or her first physical relationship; they might even tell you and ask for your advice, as one of my daughters did.
My daughter was seventeen at the time and had been seeing her boyfriend regularly for six months, and they clearly thought a lot of each other. She asked me outright one evening how long I thought a couple should date before they slept with each other. It didn’t take great insight to realise she was talking about her boyfriend and herself, and I was aware he’d been asking her to stay over at his house (with his parents’ blessing) on Saturday nights.
It was a direct question that needed a direct response. I said that I thought at her age a couple should know each other for least six months, but that the decision should be based more on how deep their feelings were for each other rather than a set timescale. There followed a frank and open discussion between us, with the result – her decision – that she postponed sleeping with her boyfriend for another four months. By keeping the pathways of communication open with my daughter I was able to help her make a decision.
Clearly attitudes to sex have changed dramatically in most societies in the last thirty or so years and single parenthood and sex outside marriage are no longer considered taboo. However, even in the most liberal of societies your teen will benefit from your advice and guidelines, and these should be based on the depth of the relationship between your teen and their partner, their maturity, your family values and your religious belief.
If your son or daughter broaches the subject of sex, be receptive and open and give yourself a mental pat on the back – clearly your child feels comfortable with you and has the confidence in you to share his or her intimate feelings. If your son or daughter doesn’t bring up the subject of sex, and you feel the time is fast approaching when a chat is advisable, find a suitable opportunity and raise the subject. Don’t be tempted to lapse into fond reminiscence of your own early sexual encounters as a way into the subject: it will go down like a lead balloon, leaving you feeling foolishly exposed and your child embarrassed and sighing, ‘Too much information!’ As far as your child is concerned, you will always be his or her mother (or father), with almost saint-like qualities, which he or she won’t want tainted by any liberal and trendy disclosure about your sex life. Indeed your teen will find it almost impossible to believe that you ever had sex, let alone still do! Most of us feel that way about our parents. Keep the discussion neutral and say ‘I think’ when you advise and guide your teen about sex and relationships.
Ultimately, when your son or daughter enters a physical relationship will be their decision, even if, as you hope, he or she has listened to, and taken on board, your advice. However, you and your partner will have some decisions to make if your teen is still living with you, which most teens will be at this age:
* Is your son or daughter allowed to have his or her partner stay at your house and share a bed?
* Are you happy about your son or daughter borrowing your car and it being used as a substitute bed?
* If you all go on holiday together, will your son or daughter share a room with his or her partner?
* How will you answer the questions of any young siblings when they ask about the strange noises coming from your son or daughter’s bedroom, and indeed how will you feel about it?
The guidelines you and your partner decide upon will be personal to you, based on what you feel is appropriate, your values and what you are comfortable with in your home. But wh
en you decide on your guidelines it should be remembered that in many societies now it is unlikely that the person your son or daughter has their first sexual relationship with will become their lifetime partner. While you may feel comfortable about having you son’s or daughter’s first love tucked up with your child, will you still feel as comfortable when that relationship has finished and the next partner appears? Or the next?
Obviously advise your son or daughter against promiscuity, and the dangers of unprotected sex, but if something does go wrong and an unplanned pregnancy results, or your son or daughter contracts an STD (sexually transmitted disease), don’t lose the plot and throw them on to the streets. Be there for them with practical advice and moral support; they will need you more than ever now. And don’t blame them. ‘You idiot! What did I tell you!’ isn’t going to help: your teen will know that he or she has acted irresponsibly.
Many of the teenage girls I have fostered have come to me already acting promiscuously as they search for the love and attention they were denied as children. Of course I try to change their behaviour, but I also have to be practical. I have to hand the contact details of our local family planning and STD clinics, and if necessary I make the appointments and accompany them. STDs in all countries are on the rise, and one recent study in the US found that 30 per cent of teenagers had contracted an STD within six months of starting to have sex. Likewise the teenager pregnancy rate is still running high – in 2005 in the UK, forty-one out of every thousand conceptions were to girls under eighteen. If your son or daughter is sexually active, you need to educate yourself, be aware and know what to do and where to go if you need help.