If you have a group of children all squabbling over a game, then address your Request to play fairly to the group – ‘Play fairly and take turns. There is no fun in playing that game if you are all going to argue.’ Repeat, with the warning of the sanction if necessary; if this fails, then take the game away and find something else to amuse them with.
As well as playing with your child, be playful. Many situations can be lightened by a playful word or comment, and it’s lovely for your child to see your sense of humour. Your child will pick up and imitate your humour, just as he or she does your other behaviour. I have found that even children with severe learning difficulties, and those who carry a heavy burden from previous abuse, can tune in and respond to humour. It is heart-warming to see a seriously disadvantaged child laugh at a joke or see the humour in a situation. Not only is it good therapy but it is a good philosophy for life – humour allows us to deal with many otherwise untenable situations.
CHAPTER FOUR
School
Starting School: 5–8
Starting school is a big step for any child, even if he or she has been going to nursery or preschool. The building will be different and bigger than the nursery, and there will be a new routine with different rules to follow. New adults will be in charge, with different expectations, particularly concerning the child’s independence and self-reliance; and the child will be expected to make new friends. Added to this, your child will now be away from you for the greater part of every weekday, when many new influences will compete with yours. Some of these influences, in the form of school policy and discipline, will be welcomed by you, while others – from older more streetwise children, perhaps – may not.
Sometimes your child will appear incredibly mature as he or she waves goodbye and goes into school; at other times he will appear so small and vulnerable that you will have to stop yourself from rushing over and scooping him up and taking him home with you.
When your child starts school you pass responsibility, care and discipline of your child to other adults, in whom you have put your trust, for a large part of the week. These adults, in the form of teachers, classroom assistants and playground and lunchtime supervisors, will largely continue with what you have put in place in respect of your child’s learning, development and discipline. However, don’t expect the school to accomplish what you have not in respect of your child’s behaviour, or else you will be very disappointed. If your child is already having behavioural problems, far from disappearing when he or she starts school, they will probably escalate, for a while at least. Your child will be one of many, and if he has been overstepping the boundaries and acting out at home and nursery, school will give him an ideal platform to continue and develop his challenging behaviour. He will have a ready-made and attentive audience in the form of his peer group, and the teacher and assistants will be too busy attending to the needs of other children to keep an eye on one child the whole time.
School influence
Managing your child’s behaviour will be even more important now, to reinforce the expected standard of behaviour at home and also at school. It is essential you work closely with the teaching staff, so that any behavioural issues can be dealt with immediately and consistently. If your child sees that everyone is ‘singing from the same hymn sheet’, he or she will be more likely to respond and to modify any unacceptable behaviour. Never undermine the staff by siding with your child over a discipline matter, even if you are smarting from being told that your child has been naughty. Far from it increasing your child’s cooperation and respect for you, your child will view you as an (equal) accomplice, and your authority will be severely challenged. If you feel your child has been unfairly disciplined at school, make an appointment to see the teacher or a senior member of staff to discuss your concerns. The school’s influence in respect of the expected standards of behaviour is a valuable ally in reinforcing what you have put in place, and are putting in place, at home.
What might not be so helpful will be some of the influence on your child of other children in the playground. At this age children are still trying to assimilate the world around them, learning much about what we take for granted, so they will need plenty of guidance in their decision making. They will also be taking huge strides into autonomy and independence, trying and testing different behaviour and adapting what suits their personality in line with your guidelines. Many of your guidelines and boundaries for good behaviour will already have been accepted by your child and become second nature to him or her, while others will need reinforcing, particularly when your child hears others at school doing what you have forbidden. Every parent will hear at some time ‘But Kevin does …’ or ‘Tracy is allowed to …’ as children compare and challenge the boundaries of acceptable behaviour put in place by their parents. Don’t be swayed. If you take your meals at the table (as I believe all families should at least once as day), the fact that ‘Everyone else is allowed to have dinner in front of the television’ is not an argument for changing your house rules, and don’t give in to ‘Can I have my dinner in front of the television if I don’t make a mess?’
Don’t be put on a guilt trip into buying material possessions either, just because other children reportedly own them. There are so many ‘must haves’ now and advertising is being directed at younger and younger children. Designer trainers, football team colours and mobile phones are not essential items for starting school, despite what your child may tell you. If your decision is that your child will not be having a mobile phone until he or she is twelve (or whatever age you think is reasonable), that is your decision. It is a reasonable rule and you can explain why to your child.
Tom and Claire are now one of many and no matter how vigilant the playground supervisors are it is impossible for them to monitor every action or hear every word spoken by all the pupils during playtime. Your child, however well behaved he or she is, will be subjected to playground influence, particularly from older and more streetwise children.
Don’t over-react
I have found with all my children, natural and fostered, that when they start school their vocabulary increases dramatically in the first few weeks, though not in a way I appreciate. To hear the words ‘fuck,’ ‘prick’ and, worst of all, ‘cunt’ on the lips of your little treasure is a shock to the most robust and liberal of constitutions. Or to have dear little Tom or Claire tell you over dinner that babies ‘pop out of fannies’ and they got there by ‘the man putting his dick in the woman’s bottom’ is a guaranteed show-stopper and good aide to indigestion.
Your child is only repeating what he or she has heard in the playground and probably won’t have the least idea what they are talking about. Sadly, the child who has told your child this could well be the child I am fostering and whose behaviour I am still in the process of modifying. Before the child came into care he or she will have spent many years living in chaos and neglect, often watching adult television or adult (pornographic) videos late into the night because no one had bothered to put them to bed. They might also have been sexually abused. What these children have seen, heard or experienced doesn’t disappear overnight; indeed it takes months, sometimes years, to undo some of the harm. Sometimes when I walk into the school playground I am met with hostile looks and whispers from other mothers as the ‘owner’ of the child who has sullied their child’s innocence. If such behaviour is brought to my attention I apologise to the parents and then talk to the child I am fostering about what is acceptable and what is not.
Don’t over-react when your child comes out with a gem you would rather not have heard (which I can guarantee every child will do, at some point after starting school). Speak to them calmly and firmly, explaining why it isn’t a nice word to use, and that you don’t want them to use it again either at home or school. Use age-appropriate language to talk to your child about a man ‘putting his dick in a woman’s bottom’ and set the record straight, although not necessarily at the dinner table. A five-year-old doesn
’t need to know the exact details of sexual intercourse (and indeed it could appear quite frightening to a young mind), but you can give some explanation which you feel comfortable with, building on what you have already told your child about the facts of life.
If your child persists in swearing, or making inappropriate comments, then, as with all unacceptable behaviour, at any age, use the 3Rs to correct him – ‘Tom, I have told you we don’t use that word. If I hear it again I will stop your television time,’ carrying out the sanction if necessary. Don’t be tempted to laugh it off, for the next time your child swears or makes an inappropriate comment it might be when Granny or the vicar has come to tea, and it won’t seem quite so funny then.
And obviously don’t swear yourself in front of your child. Take time out to cool down, or confine any necessary expletive to something more acceptable like ‘damn’ or ‘blast’ that won’t seem so bad if your child repeats it. As in all things, children learn by imitation and if your child comes out with ‘What the fuck do you think you’re doing?’ having heard if from you or your partner, then you have only yourselves to blame. Telling the child that is OK for an adult to swear but not a child won’t wash; children can spot a double standard or inconsistency a mile away, and it will do nothing for your credibility.
Bullying
As your child is now away from you, at school, for the greater part of each day, make sure you have time to talk and listen to him or her, particularly when he or she comes home at the end of school, bubbling with news of the day. Be on the lookout for any worries or anxieties your child might have connected with school, and obviously praise and encourage all his or her achievements. Be alert for any signs your child is being bullied, and take any concerns your child might have seriously. Despite what many schools like to believe (even those with good anti-bullying policies), incidents of bullying are commonplace and usually happen in the playground.
Also – and this is more difficult – watch out for signs that your child could be bullying others. None of us likes to believe that our little treasure is capable of wilfully harming another child, but all children at some time will say or do something that is unkind, dominating or hurtful to another child. If such behaviour comes to your attention, don’t ignore it, as it will escalate if left unchecked, but don’t over-react either. Act swiftly and firmly, and deal with the incident as you have been dealing with all your child’s negative behaviour, by using the 3Rs. And remember, it is the behaviour and not the child that is wrong – ‘Tom, it was cruel to do that to Sam,’ not ‘You are cruel’. Explain to your child why the behaviour or remark was wrong (that it was hurtful and we should be kind to others and respect their feelings), and that it mustn’t happen again.
Some children are naturally more forceful and domineering than others, and while a child continually insisting that he or she should be the leader in a game or being very bossy isn’t bad bullying it is a form of control, which is only one step away from bullying. The child needs to be taught that their playmates should be given a turn to be in charge of the game. Children at this age vary greatly in their confidence and leadership skills, and while some children have a flair for organising, others need a lot of encouragement. Obviously you won’t be able to oversee your child in the playground, but listen carefully to what he or she tells you about time spent in the playground with other children.
When your child has friends home to play, be aware of their conversations, and make sure their games are not one-sided, with Tom or Claire controlling everyone else all of the time. It is essential that children learn teamwork and cooperation with others at this age, not only for successful and enduring friendships, but to put in place the skills they will need in adult life to function at work and in their relationships with other adults.
Being disliked by your child
Don’t worry about being in your child’s ‘bad books’. We are all there sometimes – it comes with the territory of good parenting, particularly with children of this age. Any parent who avoids enforcing rules or disciplining their child because they don’t want to incur their child’s displeasure will have their authority and respect severely diminished in the child’s eyes. In the same vein, don’t ‘curry favour’ with your child in matters of behaviour. Obviously you will be loving and caring towards your child, but don’t try to ingratiate yourself by ignoring or endorsing bad behaviour. Your guidelines for good behaviour are essential and reasonable. Explain why you have asked your child to do something or have stopped them from doing something. That is sufficient.
Expect to be disliked sometimes by your child, and don’t take it personally. Enforcing boundaries is an integral part of successful parenting. It shows your child that you love and care for him or her enough to go out of your way to make sure they behave. It is far easier to give in to or ignore unacceptable behaviour, but that will send your child the message that you can’t be bothered to enforce discipline and therefore don’t care. Clear and consistent boundaries, put in place and enforced through the 3Rs, create a healthy, loving and respectful environment in which your child will flourish and become a credit to you.
Cause and effect
At this age your child will be assuming more and more responsibility for him or herself, and for his or her behaviour. It is very important that your child understands the consequences of his or her actions – cause and effect. So many of the children I foster with behavioural issues have lived in a bubble (as their parents do), going through life with total disregard for the consequences of their actions, in respect of others and society at large. It can come as quite a revelation to the child that what he or she does has an effect, positive or negative, on another person, and that he or she is solely responsible for that effect. They will learn this if you show them that good behaviour equals praise and bad behaviour equals a sanction.
It is relatively easy to notice and praise your child’s positive actions, and easy for your child to accept the acknowledgement of his or her good behaviour – ‘Thank you, Tom, that was very kind of you,’ perhaps said when Tom held a door open for you. Or tidying up his bedroom on the first time of being asked – ‘Well done, Tom! You’ve done a great job. That looks so much better.’ Or perhaps your child went out of her way to draw a less confident child into a game – ‘That was very thoughtful of you, Claire. Well done.’ The list of your child’s little actions that require praise will be endless, but it is important (without going over the top) that your child knows you are aware of his or her positive behaviour and that you are very pleased.
However, while children are happy to acknowledge and accept the effect of their positive actions, many are less happy to accept responsibility for their negative actions, even dissociating themselves from them to the point of lying. So that when you present Tom or Claire with their negative behaviour they might say, ‘It wasn’t me,’ or ‘It just happened,’ or ‘I don’t know who did it,’ when they were clearly responsible. I call it the Mr Nobody syndrome, and in my house, Mr Nobody could be held responsible for rather a lot if I let him. It is not helpful for a child of any age to believe that he or she can escape the consequences of his or her negative behaviour by either denying he or she did it or side-stepping the issue with ‘I don’t know,’ ‘I can’t remember’ or ‘It just happened.’ This is clearly a cop-out and needs to be addressed.
Taking responsibility for bad behaviour
By the time we are adults we should have learned to recognise and take responsibility for the consequences of our actions and be able to learn from our mistakes. If we haven’t, we become self-deceiving and selfish entities, ultimately functioning outside the moral laws of society and, in extreme cases, sent to prison, with a judge allotting the responsibility that we failed to take. Denial can easily become a habit and so much a part of our lives that we lose sight of what is real, replacing it with our own self-deluding perspective. Children in the five-to-eight age group will ‘try it on’ and can be quite clever at avoiding the consequences
of their negative actions. But this is the time such behaviour needs dealing with, before denial becomes ingrained and a habit, when it will be more difficult to reverse.
Obviously you must be certain your child is responsible for the negative act; if not, give him or her the benefit of the doubt – ‘Tom, I hope it wasn’t you who pulled Sandra’s hair. It would have been a very cruel thing to do,’ which lets Tom know that you are aware of what has happened and that you have your suspicions. If Tom is guilty, then he will hear your warning and take note, and if he wasn’t then his conscience is clear and no harm has been done.
If you are certain your child is responsible for some negative behaviour but he is vehemently denying it, then tell him he is responsible and how you know, with the consequence of how he will help put it right – ‘Tom, it was you who put the roll of toilet paper down the toilet. There is no one else in the house. Now you will come and help me get it out.’ The lesson will be more readily learnt and last longer if Tom corrects the wrong he has done.
If your child is not denying the action but dissociating himself from it by saying, ‘It just happened,’ and assigning his actions to a highly improbable act of God, then say, ‘Things don’t just happen, Tom. That black marker pen didn’t fly off the table and scribble itself on the wall.’ It is OK to inject some humour in the way you phrase it: Tom will still get the message, particularly when he spends valuable playing time cleaning off the mess. He will also take note that you are not as easily fooled as he might have thought, and that disassociating himself from an action doesn’t work. If when you ask who did something, your child says ‘I don’t know’, then you can pointedly say, ‘I do, and I don’t want it happening again,’ reminding him of the sanction if it does happen again. He will get the message, and also make note of, and respect, your insight.