She chuckles and keeps me from lowering the mirror. “Okay, so we have our three things you think are beautiful on your face. Now tell me why. Start with your eyes and give me detail, none of this rushed bullshit.”
“You’re the devil, you know that?”
She pats my knee. “Yup, well aware. Now go.”
Exhaling my displeasure, I take in my eyes. “Okay, well they’re a pretty shade of blue.”
“What kind of shade? Describe the color to me.”
“Uh, like one of those oceans you always see in magazines. Like Tahiti. The ocean in Tahiti. They almost seem neon with how blue they are. Electric.”
“And your lips?”
“They’re full, have a nice heart shape to them, and they’ve belonged to one of the most important men in my life, making them completely and utterly beautiful in my eyes.” And yes, I have always liked the shape of my lips. But I loved them more when Colby kissed them.
“Mmm, I love that. And your freckles?”
I smile to myself. “I don’t know if Colby knew, but early in the morning, when he thought I was asleep, I felt him tracing my freckles with his finger, gently touching me, connecting the dots. I never thought my freckles were cute until he helped me appreciate them. Now they’re a reminder to me that sometimes the simplest and under-appreciated things can be pretty.”
“Seems like Colby is an incredibly smart man.” She winks and returns to her chair.
Dear Ryan,
I’m a strong believer in the journey you take to become the person you are today… the steps, the trials, the tribulations, the success, and the people who come and go in your life. I believe there are people who are meant to stick with you because they’re a good influence, the type of person who brings out the best in you.
And then there are people in your life who are short blips on your journey, the ones who teach you a lesson of life, the people who are dispensable. These are the people who positively or negatively shape us.
I’ve been lucky to have a lot of positive people in my life. People who took me to the next step in my journey, from instructors to mentors, to Gramps and my dad. But when it comes to my love life, two women brought me to you.
Rory is the reason I know you. If it wasn’t for her, not only would I never have had the chance to meet you, but I never would have come out of my shell. She was the woman who showed me there was more to life than flying a plane. And as she wisely said, we were a steppingstone for each other to bigger and better things.
And then there was Sage. And even though it was painful for you to see me with her, I know she came into my life as an eye-opener. She helped me see exactly who I needed by my side, cheering me on. She made me see that the love I have for you is more powerful than any love I’ve had before.
You were made for me, and it might have taken us a while to realize it, but now that I’ve had you, I know deep in my soul you are meant to be mine. And I will die trying to make you believe the same thing.
Just like there is a right and left side of perfect, there is a right and left side of forever. The left side of forever represents the relationships that come and go in your life but have had an impact on the person you’ve become. The right side of forever provides the relationship that stays with you, the relationship that’s imprinted itself so deep into your bone marrow that you live and breathe for that person.
You’re my right side of forever, baby.
I love you.
Your man,
Colby
Chapter Twenty-Four
RYAN
“What’s this?” Samantha holds up an envelope.
“It’s a thank-you card.” Two months later and I’m ready to say thank you.
“A thank-you card?” she asks, surprised.
“Yup.” I lean forward. “I gained ten pounds and guess what, I thought I looked pretty in my jeans today. They look more filled out, less baggy, and it’s because of you.”
She shakes her head. “Nope, that’s on you, girl, and the hard work you’ve put in. You can also thank Stryder for all the boxes of Amy’s Donuts. I’m sure that’s helped.”
“The guy has a terrible addiction, but it has helped. It’s also helped working with Stryder at the gym, filling in for Rory. Working with the special needs athletes has really helped me see the many different versions of perfect.” I start to get emotional. “They’re beautiful, Samantha. The athletes’ disabilities range from developmentally delayed, to autistic, to having Down’s syndrome, and every single one of them hold a piece of my heart. I’ve been so caught up in achieving an unattainable level of perfect, polishing women with masks of beauty, that I’ve forgotten to appreciate the simple beauty around me.”
“And when you look in the mirror, what do you see?”
“I see a girl who used to hate herself, as if there are two versions of me. The girl on the right who is polished and pristine, and then the girl on the left who can be a hot mess at times, forget to shave when she should, and who can’t cook a meal to save her life.”
“And who do you like best?
“The left, one hundred percent the left.”
“Hey, what the hell are you doing in there? Lunch is on the table,” Stryder calls down the hallway.
I take one last look in the mirror and smile to myself. Not an ounce of makeup, my hair tied up into a messy bun, and leggings and an oversized sweatshirt cover my body. I stroke my tattoo, a sense of pride shooting through me.
I am beautiful.
I love the woman I’ve become.
I squeeze my eyes shut and take a few deep breaths. I’ve come a long way. I still have baggage with my mom, the type of baggage I’ll possibly always carry no matter how hard I try to shake free of it. That’s partly because she won’t acknowledge her role in my self-hatred. It’s almost impossible to forgive someone who doesn’t believe they did anything to need forgiveness for. But, because I can look at myself in the mirror and know I’m not that imperfect girl anymore, I’m okay.
And I’m strong because of the people I surround myself with, which is why I have a giant suitcase packed, ready to be rolled down the hallway to the curb where I’ll wait for my Uber driver.
Taking one more look around the room I’ve called a temporary home, I say a silent thank you and wheel my suitcase to the living room. I peek in the kitchen to find Stryder and Rory at the table, Hailey next to them in a bouncer. They eye my suitcase, and without me saying a word, their eyes light up.
“I can’t join you for lunch. I have a flight to catch.”
Stryder wipes his mouth, his famous BLT with mayo caressing his face. “And where do you think you’re going?”
I toe the carpet. “My dad gave me some money. I decided to do some international flying.”
“Going to Korea, are ya?” Rory asks, clearly excited.
“I am.”
“Do you realize we’re a few days away from Christmas?”
I nod. “I planned it this way. You three need family time, and I need my man.”
Finally Rory squeals and jumps from her seat, clapping excitedly. “Ah, I knew it, I could feel it in my bones. You’re going to go get Colby. Oh, I might pass out I’m so happy right now.”
“Whoa, settle down, babe.” Stryder stands and grips his wife. “No passing out allowed.” He then turns toward me. “You’re going to need some help getting on base. Do you know how to get there?”
I shake my head, completely clueless. “I have a ticket. I need you to help me with the rest. Clearly I didn’t think this out all too well.”
“Oh, this is so romantic. Are you going to surprise him?”
“I’m hoping to, which means you guys can’t say anything to him.”
“Oh God, Stryder, we need to fly to Korea so I can see this play out. I’m too invested to hear about it over the phone.”
Leaning over and pressing his hand on the back or Rory’s chair, he lays an incredibly soft kiss across her lips. “I love you so much, babe,
but I’m going to need you to calm your crazy, because we have to help your friend figure out how to surprise Colby.”
“But . . . Korea.”
“Yeah, you’re not going, but you’re cute.” Stryder takes me by the arm and leads me into the living room where he grabs a sheet of paper and his cell phone. “How much time do we have before your flight?”
“Four hours.”
“Then we better get to work.”
Sixteen cramped and uncomfortable hours in the air, an hour-long and very scary drive to base, a ten-minute interrogation about my intentions for being on base—scaring me a little more than I wanted—has brought me to the tarmac, where I wait. I’m standing next to a very nice man named Mike, who went to school with Colby. We’re both wearing earplugs, staring at the sky.
When Stryder said I’d need help, he was right, and thank God for him, because there is no way I would have been able to pull this off on my own.
And when he said he could help me get on base, I never thought he meant this far. My suitcase is in the fighter pilot locker room as I stand outside, waiting for Colby to come back from a mission.
He’s always talked about flying, and he’s tried to describe it to me, but I never thought I’d see him execute his skills. See him land the behemoth he calls my plane.
Not only am I beyond nervous about seeing him, but I’m excited to see him hop out of his cockpit, wearing all his gear. It’s an image I’ve always dreamt of, and I finally get to experience it.
It’s taken many sessions with Samantha, and many rereads of Colby’s beautiful words to get me here, to instill enough confidence to take the plunge, to feel mentally healthy and confident to not only be in a relationship, but to be the rock for someone else. I’ll no longer rely on Colby to protect me, but it will be my privilege to protect him.
With a smile on my face, I take a deep breath and keep my eyes fixed on the sky above me.
This is a brand new day, a new start, an exciting chapter about to begin in my life, and I couldn’t have picked someone better to spend it with.
Mike nudges my shoulder and yells loud enough so I can hear him. “They should be here any second.”
Butterflies erupt in my chest and just as I’m about to ask him a question, I hear the roar of jets, and from the corner of my eye, I spot a formation of four.
My heart takes flight, skipping a beat, and propelling itself into the sky, searching for its match. He’s up there. He’s coming home.
To me.
Chapter Twenty-Five
COLBY
I keep the nose of the plane high as I touch down. I even out, brake, and taxi toward the flight crew waiting for me to deplane.
I release the mask to my helmet and maneuver the plane around the tarmac. What a mentally exhausting mission.
We worked on aerial maneuvers where an intense amount of Gs rocked my body. As a fighter pilot, you’re trained to breathe a certain way when taking in a large amount of G-force so we don’t blackout while flying. We wear g-suits, which help pump the blood that pools at the bottom of our legs up through our body, but we’re also required to perform our breathing technique, which I spent a good amount of time mastering. It feels like second nature now.
After a long mission like today, my lungs are exhausted, and my body is ripped from the pressure placed on it. I want nothing more than to skip the debrief and crawl back to my apartment to spend the next three hours vegging on my couch.
Once the jet is parked and the cockpit is opened, I remove my helmet, running my hand through my wet hair, and detach myself from everything as I make my way out of the airplane, my flight crew welcoming me back from another safe flight.
“Take care of the girl, will ya?” I ask Charles, the head of my flight crew.
“Always.” He thumbs behind him and says, “There’s someone here to speak to you.”
Clutching my helmet in one hand, and unbuckling my survivor vest so it flaps open, I look over Charles’s shoulder to see Mike standing next to a woman with blonde hair and . . .
My stomach drops to the floor when for a brief second I think it’s Ryan. My eyes betraying me, I take a step forward, squinting to get a better look. When she brings her hands to her mouth, and I see an excited bounce in her legs, hope springs through my chest.
Ryan.
My love.
I’m not fucking seeing things.
That is my girl.
I break into a run and so does she. We meet halfway as she leaps into my arms, her legs easily wrapping around my waist. Her perfume hits me first, followed by the press of her lips against mine.
I bring my arms around her back and support her as our mouths fuse together. She swipes at my lips with her tongue, and I eagerly grant her access, my mind whirling with what the hell is happening right now, and am I dreaming or is she really here?
Her hands fall to my cheeks, gripping me tightly, holding me in place, taking charge of our kiss. And I let her, because fuck, I can’t believe she’s really here.
When she finally pulls away, I get a good look at her. The first thing I notice are her freckles, prominent and proud across her nose and cheeks. Then I notice the pools of water in her eyes, her beautifully bare eyes.
She’s finally dropped her mask. She’s giving me her true self. God, she’s so exquisite. Her bravery, her love for me, it makes me fall in love with her all over again.
“Oh fuck, this is . . . I love you so much, baby.”
With a single tear rolling down her cheek, she says, “Welcome home, Colby.”
My first welcome home, and how fucking apt that it’s from the first person who truly stole my heart. There might have been two women before her, but they were guides to get me to this right here, to this woman, to the love of my life.
“Come the fuck here,” I say when I shut the door to my apartment. Unfortunately love doesn’t stop the Air Force and military protocol, so even though I wanted nothing more than to take Ryan home, I had to go through a debrief, which could be multiple hours. Instead of having Ryan wait around for me, I had Mike show her to my apartment. I owe the guy a six-pack for being my chauffeur, but it’s well worth it.
I drop my bag just as Ryan flies into my arms. I bury my head in her hair and encase her, never wanting to let go.
“Fucking hell, Ryan. I love you.” I don’t think I could be any happier than I am right now.
“Did I surprise you?” she asks, looking up at me.
My brows go to my hairline. “Did you surprise me? Yeah, you could say that. I nearly flew out of my flight suit when I realized it really was you.”
“Would you say it was the best birthday surprise you’ve ever gotten?”
I chuckle. “Yeah, you could say that.”
She stands on her toes and places a soft kiss across my lips. “Happy birthday, Colby. I have something else for you, but before I strip down to show you”—I groan in her ear—“I want to talk to you.”
“Babe, whatever you’re going to say is going to go in one ear and out the other now that you said strip.”
She tugs on my arm and laughs as she guides me to the couch, sitting me down only to sit on my lap where she plays with the zipper of my flight suit.
“Do you really think this position is going to help my growing excitement to see you?”
She playfully swats my chest. “Stop being a perv.”
“Ryan, it’s been fucking months since I’ve been inside of you. I’m desperate at this point. I’m not a perv, I’m just so fucking needy where you’re concerned.”
Shyly, she smiles down at me, her eyes blinking a few times.
“I won’t be long. Trust me, I want to be naked as quickly as you do, but I want to clear the air.”
Even though I’m already painfully hard, I know this is important to her, and it’s important to me too. I want to know her reasoning for the distance between us as well as why she’s here now. Sex can wait. I want to know that we’re about to start our forever.
/> “I’m all ears, babe.”
Letting out a deep sigh, she says, “Leaving you in Las Vegas was one of the hardest things I’ve ever had to do. I didn’t realize at the time how much I relied on you, not only for your love but for the confidence you instilled in me. Even though it almost killed me, leaving was one of the best things I decided to do.” She continues to play with my zipper as she talks. “I was in a bad place mentally, and when I said I couldn’t be the woman you deserved, I was serious. I was so fed up with myself that if I moved out here with you before I was ready, there is no way we would have lasted. I knew if I wanted to make this happen, I needed to get healthy first.”
“And you did,” I say with a grin. “Rory told me you started therapy.”
She rolls her eyes. “I should have known you two were in cahoots.”
“She just gave me vague updates, letting me know you were okay. I needed to know you were okay.”
I nod, understanding his reasoning. “It took me a while, but I finally reached the point that I could talk to someone. And then your letters showed up. It was almost as if they went hand in hand with my therapy sessions, guiding me along a path of learning to love myself. It wasn’t easy, and I had many tough and truly heartbreaking days, but I can finally say I’m happy and confident, and proud of the woman I am. I knew it was time to claim what is mine again, which is you. I’m strong enough to be your rock, Colby, the girl you can rely on when you come home from deployment or from a long mission. I want to be that girl if you’ll still have me.”
“If I’ll still have you? Ryan, you never left my heart.” I press her hand against my chest. “You’ve rooted yourself inside here with no chance of getting out. You’re mine, made for me, my forever. I was just waiting for you to realize that.”