Chapter V
"_A man so various that he seemed to be Not one, but all mankind's epitome._"
Thompson sat in his room alone, meditating on Mitchell, statesman andPolitical Economist. On the table lay his letter of introduction andhis bad "Souvenir" dollar.
"The meeting will please come to order!" he said, rapping the tablesmartly. "The Gentleman from Montana has the floor."
"I move you, Mr. Chairman," said the Gentleman from Montana, "that theletter of introduction be laid upon the table, and that this House donow go into Committee of putting the other fellows in the Hole."
No objection being heard, this was done. Steve stared at the tabledletter with a puzzled frown.
"Gentlemen, the Chair awaits your pleasure," he announced, at last."Have you any suggestions to make?"
The Gentleman from Montana again obtained recognition.
"Mr. Speaker, I see here present an ex-member, my _alter ego_, Mr.Reuben Rubber-Neck, who once parted with six months' wages on anotherman's game. Mr. Rubber-Neck is a graduate of the celebrated andexpensive school of Experience, of which it is written that a largeand influential class will learn of no other. As an ex-Member, he isentitled to the privilege of the floor. I, for one, would like to havehis counsels at this juncture."
Thus appealed to, Mr. Rubber-Neck got stumblingly to his feet with agawky and timid demeanor.
"Mr. Chairman, it is not a theory but a hell of a condition thatconfronts us," he said, uncertainly. "I think that we should use theletter so providentially er--um--provided to make friends with themammon of righteousness. Two heads are proverbially better than one,if one _is_ an Expert. It behooves us, for the sake of the near anddear kinsmen, the Mark brothers, that we should so bear ourselvestoward our generous hosts as to make them feel that they haveentertained a devil unawares. Avenge now the innumerable wrongs of meand my likes. Before deciding on our line of action, however, I shouldlike to hear from a learned gentleman in our midst, whose brain isever fertile in expedients. I refer to the only one of us who has beenthrough college--in at the front door and out the back. I call on therepresentative of the class of Naughty-naughty!"
He sat down amid vociferous cries of "Hear! Hear!"
The Bookman arose gracefully. "While I thank the gentleman who haspreceded me for his encomiums," he said, with deprecatory modesty,"yet I can lay no claim for scholastic honors, owing to an unfortunatedifference of opinion with the Faculty in the scorching question ofturning state's evidence concerning the ebullition of class feeling,in which I was implicated by a black eye or so. I fought the goodfight, I kept the faith, but I did not finish my course. But to returnto our sheep.
"In every crisis, I have always found precedent for action in thewords of the immortal Swan of Avon. What does Will say? He says:
'_Put money in thy purse_!'
"Follows naturally the advice of the melancholy Dane, bearing directlyon the case in hand:
'_Let it work. 'For 'tis the sport to see the engineer Hoist with his own petard._'
"Again,
'_Look on this picture, then on that! The counterfeit_.'
"Where is that counterfeit, anyhow?" He took from his pocket a goodsilver dollar, compared it thoughtfully with the bad one on the table,and continued.
"What else? Why, this:
'_Art thou not horribly afeared?... Could the world pick thee threesuch enemies again as that fiend Douglas, that spirit Percy, and thatdevil Glendower?'_
"Having thus pointed out the danger, he plainly indicates the remedy:
'_Where shall I find one that will steal well? O! for a fine thief ofthe age of two-or-three and twenty! I am heinously unprovided_.'
"Gentlemen, in my opinion we need three things. First, the servicesof a skillful and discreet silversmith. Second, a pair of eye-glassesfitted with a powerful microscopic lens, able to distinguish goodfrom evil. Third, a confederate who can steal well, such as we candoubtless find in or about Broad Street. By these simple and feasiblemeans we shall be enabled to whip-saw our redoubtable opponents or, touse the local term, 'give 'em the double-cross.'"
He sat down amid boisterous applause.
"The Watch-dog of the Treasury!" said Steve icily. The Watch-dog stoodapologetically, twisting nervous fingers together. "It strikes me, Mr.Speaker," he stammered, "that my eminent colleague might aptly havequoted from the same high authority two maxims in praise of prudence.'Discretion is the better part of valor,' he says, and also,
'_He who fights and runs away Will live to fight another day._'
"It appears to me the part of prudence----"
Here he was howled down by disapproving groans.
"The Chair will take great pleasure in recognizing the Gentleman fromNew Mexico," suggested Steve, with a gracious nod.
Wildcat Thompson, cowboy, sprang to his feet; lithe, active, eager.Swiftness, alertness, poise, certainty were in every line of hissplendid body. His was the assured, resourceful bearing of the man ofaction, whose hands have kept his head, contrasting sharply with theMiner's heavy and tentative slowness, the awkward self-consciousnessof the Easy One, the Objector's furtive and apprehensive manner, orthe Near-Collegian's languid affectation of dilettantism.
"Be a sport!" He threw out a hand, his confident voice ringing withdecision. "We are seven!--(or at least we will be when we pick upa financier at Atwood's). Get together! Let us adopt our learnedbrother's ingenious device. Should fraud fail, we can always fall backon----
'_the simple plan That each should take who hath the power. And he should keep that can_.'
"As alternative, or, I should say, as reserve, I offer--this!" Aswift gleam of silver and steel: he laid a cocked .45 beside the otherexhibits.
"The sword of Brennus! Woe to the vanquished!" murmured theSchool-man, when the cheering had abated. "Mr. Chairman, the amendmentis accepted."
The entire meeting then lit a cigarette.
The Chair arose, using the six-shooter as gavel. "Gentlemen, have youanything more to offer? If not will you hear the question? Is it thesense of this meeting that united we fall upon this infamous coalitionwith the jaw bone of an ass and get their money; dishonestly if wecan, and if not, then by main strength and awkwardness? Those in favorof the motion will please rise. I am unanimous, and it is so ordered.This resolution will be spread all over the minutes, right off. TheChair will appoint as committee to get a move on, Mr. Stephen Thompsonof Montana; the earnest Shakespearian student, Mr. Thompson-Stephen;Mr. Wildcat Thompson of New Mexico; and myself. Having no furtheruse for a sucker or a quitter, the other two gentlemen may go to thedevil, and I hereby stand adjourned."
So saying, he gathered up his resources and departed.
At a later hour Steve presented himself in a body to the seniorAtwood, with his letter from the Judge as credentials.
"Bless my soul!" ejaculated that person, when he had read a fewlines. His eyes dropped to the signature. "Oh--the Judge!" he said,enlightened, and read on, chuckling.
He wheeled his chair around. "Well, Mr. Thompson, what is it--fine orbail?" he queried.
"I want to borrow a man," Steve began mildly. Here he was interrupted.The ante-room door opened. One entered--no, floated in--faultlesslyarrayed, with an air at once languid and gloomy.
"Wyatt!" said Atwood, cordially. "Man! You're good for sore eyes! Whatfair wind blows you here?"
Wyatt sank into a chair. "Doldwums. Nothing at all," hesaid listlessly. "Mewest chawnce, I assuah you. Fawct is, Iwas--er--howwidly boahed, y' know. It's no good. All of it!" Hespread out his immaculate pink palm in a comprehensive gesture. "Allwot!--Dinnahs and dawnces and bwidge, the hawse-show--and--ah--allthe west of it.--Vahnity fawr, y' know. If you have whatevah you wantdiwectly, of cow'se you cawnt want anything you daunt have, y' know.Doocid unpleasant. I find myself like the boy that wanted to leah'nto shivah and shake, y' know. Needin' the excitement of what thisfellah--ah--at Washington, y' know--_Woos
evelt_!--of what Wooseveltcalls the stwenuous life. Saht in the club thinkin' it ovah, anddecided to sally fowth to seek adventuah----"
"Adventure! You?" Atwood threw back his head and roared.
"--adventuah. In a hansom," returned the new-comer placidly. "So thedwivah ahsked me 'Whah to?' y' know. I was feelin' nawsty enough, so Itold him 'To pwugatowy!--like that! He was--ah--a vewy litewal-mindedpuhson." There was a faint flicker of amusement in his gray eyes."He--ah--bwought me to the Stock Exchange. Aftah I got out, y' know, Iwemembahed that you--ah--did something heah. So I thought I'd just wunovah and see you." He relapsed into moody silence.
"You've come to the right shop, I do believe," said Atwood. "Mr.Thompson, let me make you acquainted with my old friend Wyatt."
"Chawmed, I'm suah!" muttered Wyatt, adjusting his monocle.
"You have probably heard of him," pursued Atwood. "He appearsregularly in the Sunday Supplements as a Horrible Example--AnsonWalworth Wyatt, nephew to his uncle. But for all he seems such asilly, supercilious ass, he's a good old chap at heart, a 'weal' lionin an ass-skin. Mr. Thompson, have I permission to share this letterwith my friend?"
"Why not?" said Steve.
"This is a Western man's business letter," explained Atwood. Theclubman listened with a well-bred stony stare.
"Aw!" he said. "How _vewy_ extwaohdinawy!"
"Now, old fellow, Mr. Thompson was just about to negotiate the loanof a man from me when you came. Here we have the adventure seekingthe man, and the man seeking the adventure. It sounds promising. Ofcourse, I shall expect a commission both ways. Now give us your plansand specifications, Mr. Thompson."
"I want to borrow a young man, as I said before, of goodappearance"--with a glance at Wyatt's sumptuous apparel--"and somelittle brains"--another and a sharper glance, "One who will obeyorders if he breaks owners, who will stand without being tied, andwho doesn't especially care whether school keeps or not. I wouldparticularly request that he leave his money, his memory, acquiredgood habits, if any, and his conscience, in your safe-keeping till heis returned."
"That sounds like the makings of a pretty adventure, Wyatt," saidAtwood, delighted, "Are you for loan, old chap?"
Wyatt laid his affectation aside. "That depends on the interest, thesecurity, and length of the term. It certainly appears, from your veryflattering description, that you were searching for me, Mr. Thompson."His eyes were dancing.
"Interest from the word Go. The security's all right, too, if you takea gun," said Steve reassuringly. "You _might_ get a long term, butit can be avoided with luck and good management. I think the partiesconcerned will hardly make a complaint."
"You are not contemplating anything illegal, I trust?" Atwood wasenjoying himself to the full.
"I don't know. Really hadn't given it much attention," returned theCommittee, simply. "But now you mention it, I think probably I am."
"Will you allow my accomplice and myself to use your private room forexecutive session?" asked Wyatt.
* * * * *
"But why don't you have them arrested?"
"Arrested? O no!" cried Steve, in pained surprise. "That wouldn'tbe fair. That isn't done! Besides, don't you see, that wouldn't hurttheir feelings like this?"
"I see," said Wyatt. "I'm your man. And I say, old chap, before Igo back to my Cholly-talk again, advise me. Would I look any moreidiotic, do you think, if I should suck my cane? I don't want todisappoint any one."
"I would not," said Steve. "You're too good to be true, without that."
"Wouldn't you naturally suppose," sighed Wyatt, "that people wouldknow that no man could be as big a fool as I am, unless he did it onpurpose? But they don't. They swallow it, hook, bob and sinker!"