I check Ben’s expression, wondering if he’s going to make some wisecrack about underage drinking, but he’s staring into his glass of – what is it?
‘Thanks,’ I tell Dave. ‘I’m on the cider.’
He turns to get the barman’s attention.
‘What are you drinking?’ I ask Ben.
‘Whisky,’ he replies, swirling the ice around in his glass.
‘Straight?’ I check.
‘Yeah.’ His eyes meet mine and he grins cheekily.
‘Ooh, hardcore,’ I tease, as a flutter goes through me.
‘How was last night?’ he asks, staring at me directly.
‘It was strangely good fun. Much better than I thought it would be.’
‘Why?’
‘They were all oldies.’
He laughs and shakes his head.
‘I went to the lily pond this morning,’ I tell him. ‘Well, afternoon.’
‘Did you?’
‘Yeah.’
Pause.
‘Here you go,’ Dave says, handing me my drink. ‘Cheers.’ He chinks my glass with his and Ben follows suit. ‘Happy New Year,’ Dave booms loudly, and it occurs to me he’s been here drinking for quite some time.
‘I didn’t know you were married,’ I say to him.
‘Yep. Five years and counting.’
‘Blimey. Five years. How old were you when you got married, then?’ I flash a look at Ben.
‘What was I?’ Dave asks his mate. ‘Twenty-three?’
‘Something like that.’ Ben looks amused. ‘Lily thinks we country folk get married and have, what do you call them – sprogs? – before our twenty-first birthdays.’
Dave chortles and I giggle because I’ve been caught out.
‘We haven’t moved on to the sprogs stage yet,’ he tells me.
‘Give it time,’ I say ominously.
‘What about you, Lily? Have you got a boyfriend?’
‘Nope!’ I reply. ‘Young, free and single, that’s me.’
‘Good. That’s the way it should be,’ Dave decides happily. ‘Right – I’m off to the gents. Don’t let anyone nick my seat,’ he commands us.
An atmosphere settles over Ben and me the moment he leaves.
‘Josh and the lads will be wondering where I am,’ I comment.
‘Don’t get in the car with him tonight.’ Ben’s tone is insistent.
‘Why?’ I ask boldly. ‘Are you offering to give me a lift home instead?’
‘I’m catching a taxi.’
‘Of course you are.’ I don’t know where my bitterness is coming from. ‘Don’t worry, Dad,’ I add cruelly. ‘I’ll catch a taxi too if I have to.’
Just then, the barman materialises in front of us. ‘Same again,’ Ben says. ‘You alright with that?’ He nods to my half-full drink.
‘I’m fine,’ I reply sarkily. ‘Wouldn’t want to get you into trouble with Michael.’
‘Don’t be like that,’ he says quietly, and I drag my reluctant eyes to meet his. The second they do, a shock zips through me. I know I should look away, but I can’t. He’s locked my gaze so intensely that we are like two magnets, drawn to each other.
I love you. You know it. And you feel something for me, too.
I’m overcome with a powerful urge to kiss him. He’s still staring into my eyes and it feels as if whole minutes have passed, not mere seconds.
‘What have I missed?’
Our eyes dart away from each other as Dave re-emerges.
‘Where’s my stool?’ he asks accusingly. ‘Did you let someone take my seat?’
‘Aah, sorry, mate,’ Ben apologises.
‘Here, you can have mine.’ I leap off my stool and push it towards him.
‘You going already?’ Dave asks, disappointed.
‘I’d better get back to the others,’ I murmur.
‘Leave us oldies to it,’ he says humorously. I glance at Ben and feel that force pulling me in again.
Then Dave clumps me on the back, knocking me out of myself. ‘Happy New Year, Lily!’ he shouts drunkenly. ‘Good to see you again!’
‘You too,’ I reply, my smile wavering. ‘Bye.’ I glance at Ben and hurriedly drop my eyes to the ground. My feet take a step towards the door, but suddenly his fingers are touching mine.
‘Don’t let him drive you home,’ he repeats with urgency.
I shake my head and reply quite seriously, ‘I won’t.’
And then I’m gone, my fingers tingling, my face burning, and every nerve-ending in my body standing on its end.
Chapter 9
Ben makes love to me that night, in my dreams. His warm, strong arms encircle me and it’s hot, intense, our bodies moving together in a perfect dance. And then I wake up, shaking and feverish.
It’s not just me; his eyes told me that last night. There is no moving on from this. I need to do something because I know he won’t.
I have to get through a torturous Sunday on my own before I can go into work again, and on Monday the disappointment is crippling beyond belief as I realise it’s his day off. There are no guarantees that he’ll be in on Tuesday, and when there’s no sign of him in the staffroom I head to the hospital room with a heavy heart. Olivia only spent her first week at home with Ben. Now she’s been relocated here, but he’s still her primary carer. I push open the door and come face to face with him.
‘Hey,’ he says, avoiding my eyes. ‘Just getting her settled.’
‘How is she?’ I ask, shifting from foot to foot awkwardly.
He glances at the koala amongst the blankets. ‘She’s good.’
‘Is she still crying at night, do you think?’
He shakes his head. ‘I doubt it. Not much, anyway.’ He turns back to me and nods towards the door I’m blocking. ‘I’d better get on.’
I step to one side and he starts to walk past. ‘Don’t you want any help today?’ I blurt after him.
He hesitates and turns around, registering the panic on my face.
‘Of course.’ He tries to sound enthusiastic. ‘Let’s do the koala check.’
I follow him out of the door feeling very unsure of myself, chasing after him like a small child as he walks two paces in front of me.
‘I caught a taxi home on Saturday,’ I call when I can bear the silence no longer.
‘That’s good,’ he replies over his shoulder in a non-committal voice.
‘What time did you stay until?’ I prompt.
‘Not long. I thought I’d better get home and phone Charlotte.’
There. He’s said it. He’s said her name. He’s pushing me out and bringing her in. And I feel like he’s knifed me through the heart.
Just then, Ben comes to an abrupt halt and puts his hand out to hold me back, saying, ‘Watch out – here’s a bilby.’ A small animal hops out from the undergrowth. It looks a little like a mini-kangaroo crossed with a rat, with big ears and a long snout. I’m still in shock from the mention of The Name as we stand and watch the fluffy grey creature sniff at the paving stones.
A memory comes back to me of the night I turned up at his house with Olivia. He’d been on the phone. It must have been to her.
‘When do you leave?’ I ask solemnly, focusing my gaze on the bilby and trying not to think about the warmth of his body heat right beside me.
‘Week after next.’ I can barely hear him.
‘Where will you work?’
He clears his throat and turns up the volume. ‘London Zoo.’
‘I can’t imagine you working in a zoo.’
‘Why not?’
‘It doesn’t seem, I don’t know – real enough for you.’
‘I worked at Sydney Zoo before coming here. It’ll be a nice change.’
The bilby hops off into the undergrowth again, and Ben continues to walk along the winding asphalt footpath.
I take a deep breath and hurry after him. ‘How did you meet her?’
He shrugs. ‘She was travelling in Australia. She worked in the ca
fé here for a while.’
‘How long is a while?’
‘About three months.’
And she got his attention, just like that. I bet she’s beautiful.
‘Is your mum going over for the wedding?’ I will the pain to dull.
He snorts and glances at me. ‘What do you think?’
‘Silly question. Dave?’
‘Dave’s coming,’ he confirms with a curt nod. ‘And Katherine, his wife.’
‘When are you getting married?’
‘March.’
‘March? That’s so soon!’ I exclaim, feeling a little breathless now.
He looks at me sharply. ‘Why do you think it’s too soon?’
‘You will have only just got there.’ I’m reeling. I didn’t think it was so . . . I don’t know, definite. ‘What if you don’t like England? Don’t you want to give yourself time to settle in?’
His footsteps seem to slow a little. ‘I thought it would be fine.’
Thought? Strange wording. ‘I didn’t feel like I was rushing it when we decided,’ he clarifies.
‘And you feel like you’re rushing it now?’
‘That’s not what I said.’ But it’s what you meant. His pace quickens once more. ‘Anyway, it’s all sorted now. Dave and Katherine have got their tickets booked.’
‘Dave and Katherine can change their flights,’ I say seriously.
‘It’ll be fine,’ he insists, nodding towards the koala lofts we’re approaching. ‘I’ll go and get started. Can you fetch the pad from the office?’
And that’s the end of the discussion.
That night, Josh and I decide to go out for a bite to eat in Hahndorf. He’d come home and demanded to know what there was for dinner because Michael and my mum had gone out, and I’d grunted at him: ‘I don’t know, I’m not your mother.’ Needless to say, I felt shit enough to want to make up for it.
It’s a cooler evening than usual for this time of the year so we decide to sit inside at the Hahndorf Inn. Josh taps his tanned fingers on the table impatiently as I peruse the lengthy menu at leisure. Finally he slaps some money down in front of me.
‘I’m going to the loo. Get me the chicken schnitzel, would you?’
We’re sitting in the bar area because it has more atmosphere than the restaurant, but it has no waitress service, so once decided, I head up to place our order. Josh didn’t specify a drink, so I opt for two lemon squashes because I refuse to deal with the drinking and driving issue tonight.
I’ve handed over the money to the landlord and I’m in the process of slipping the change back into my purse when something makes me look to my left, to the other side of the wraparound bar. Ben is sitting there, staring into his drink. I’m rooted to the spot and in that moment he looks up and his expression must mirror mine before his face breaks into a wavering smile. I walk around the bar to where he’s sitting.
‘Hello,’ I say, hoping my voice doesn’t shake.
‘Hello.’
‘What are you doing here?’
He lifts up his drink by way of explanation.
‘Is Dave here?’ I look around, but can’t see him.
‘No. Just me.’
‘In a bar? On your own!’ I exclaim. ‘Ben, I didn’t think you were the solo drinking type. You are drinking, aren’t you?’ I peer into his glass. It looks like whisky again.
He takes a swig, but doesn’t reply to my question. Instead, he asks, ‘Are Michael and Cindy here?’
‘No, just Josh.’
‘You’re out alone with Josh?’ He frowns at me.
‘We’re on the lemon squashes, don’t worry.’
‘That’s not what I was worried about.’
‘What were you worried about?’ I give him a cheeky grin, but he doesn’t smile back. I suddenly feel full of a strange confidence. I don’t know what it is about him that makes me feel so up and down. ‘Come on, Norman No Mates, come and join us.’
‘I don’t want to interrupt anything.’
‘Don’t be ridiculous,’ I scoff, tugging him off his chair. ‘Come on.’
Ben allows himself to be dragged reluctantly because he doesn’t have much choice. I budge up the bench seat so there’s room for Ben beside me, but he slides in opposite me instead. Josh returns to the table and I beam up at him.
‘I brought Ben over to say hi.’
‘Alright?’ Josh offers a lame smile and sits down next to me.
‘Hi.’
‘Are you eating?’ I ask Ben.
‘No.’
‘Go on, get something.’ I pass over a menu.
‘I’m not hungry,’ he says.
‘What?’ I cry. ‘Not hungry? That doesn’t sound like you. What’s going on?’
Ben shakes his head in slight bemusement and takes a sip of his drink.
‘What’s this?’ Josh regards his lemon squash with disdain.
‘Lemon squash. You’re not drinking and driving me home,’ I state with determination.
‘Oh, for fuck’s sake.’
And for the first time today, Ben gives me a genuine smile. I raise my eyebrows at him across the table. He looks down and then at Josh.
‘How’s work going?’ he asks.
‘Alright,’ Josh replies. ‘How’s yours?’
‘Fine.’
‘Aren’t you supposed to be moving to Pommieland soon?’
‘Yeah, in about two weeks.’
‘Nuts, mate, nuts. Who’d want to live in that grey old place?’ Josh nudges me, trying to wind me up. On the contrary. ‘When are you getting married to Kate Winslet?’
‘Charlotte.’
‘That’s the one.’
She looks like Kate Winslet?
‘March.’
‘Good luck with that.’ Josh turns to me with a beguiling smile on his face and I try to ignore the sick feeling in my stomach. So she is beautiful. ‘Lils, you’re not really going to make me drink this muck, are you?’
‘Yes.’ Maybe she sounds like Kate Winslet.
‘Can’t I have one beer?’
‘No.’ Or it could just be that they’re both English?
He puts his hand on my shoulder and gives it a squeeze. ‘Please?’ His brown eyes look so appealing and expectant that for a moment I waver.
‘No,’ Ben interrupts angrily.
‘Ben.’ My brow furrows. As if I can’t handle this.
‘What’s it to you, mate?’ Josh removes his hand and glares across the table at Ben.
‘Put your own life in danger, by all means. But don’t put Lily at risk.’ His dark-blue eyes glint with an unexpected menace and for a moment I forget that he’s getting married to the star from Titanic.
Josh snorts and backs down. ‘Whatever.’
‘Here comes our food.’ I breathe a sigh of relief.
Ben abruptly gets up. ‘I’ll leave you both to it.’
I’d ask him to stay, but I can see that he won’t. ‘See you,’ I call after him instead.
‘What a wanker,’ Josh mutters to his departing back.
‘Don’t be an arse,’ I snap, getting up and going to sit opposite Josh because it feels too close for comfort beside him. The place where Ben was sitting is warm. I immediately realise my mistake. Now I’ve got my back to Ben at the bar and I can’t see him! I frown with annoyance at Josh, but then realise he’s still fuming about Ben’s comment so I change the subject.
‘What are the others doing tonight? And no,’ I add wearily, ‘I don’t want to get into Shane’s pants.’
‘He wants to get into yours.’
‘Does he?’ I can’t keep the boredom from my voice.
‘Yep, but he doesn’t want to take away your virginity.’
I let out a burst of laughter. ‘What? You’ve got to be kidding me.’
‘I’m not,’ he replies seriously.
‘Well, I’m not a virgin, so—’
‘Aren’t you?’ Josh interrupts, astounded.
‘No. But there’s no way in hell I??
?d sleep with him anyway.’
‘When did you lose your virginity?’ He’s still focusing on that statement.
‘None of your business. Eat up.’
I myself do as I’ve advised and tuck into my pasta, but it’s hard to ignore the look on Josh’s face as he considers me. I don’t know what’s going through his head and I’m not sure I want to know. I’m still kicking myself that I have my back to Ben. After a while I sneak a peek to the place where he was sitting earlier. I can’t see him so I twist around further to search the entire bar area. Where is he? Did he go without saying goodbye? Maybe he’s gone to the toilet.
‘He left five minutes ago.’ Josh interrupts my thoughts.
I spin around. ‘What?’
‘Ben. He just left.’ He takes a gulp of his lemon squash, pulls a face and gets to his feet. ‘Now I can get a proper drink without some know-it-all interfering.’
‘Josh, don’t,’ I cry in dismay, but he’s already at the bar. ‘Don’t!’ I hiss at him. By the time he returns, I am simmering.
‘It’s only one beer, for fuck’s sake,’ he says.
‘I can’t believe you’ve just gone and done that.’
‘Chill the hell out! What’s the big deal?’
‘The big deal?’ I practically screech. ‘The big deal?’ The diners at the next table turn to look at me. ‘Bollocks to this!’ I clatter my knife and fork on my plate and slide out from my bench seat, wishing there was a chair here instead because it’s hard to look angry and bum-shuffle at the same time.
‘Where are you going?’ Josh asks in surprise.
‘Home, you fuckwit, even if I have to walk.’ I storm out of the restaurant and furiously dig out Mum’s mobile phone from my bag. I’m sure I’ve got a taxi number in here somewhere. I wonder if Ben has gone far? No. I can’t keep depending on him to rescue me, however much I’d like to.
‘Lily, don’t be ridiculous.’ I turn to see Josh standing on the pavement.
‘Piss off!’
‘Come on, I’ll drive.’
‘Did you drink that beer?’
‘Downed it in one.’ Pause. ‘I’m joking!’
‘This is no laughing matter.’ Again, people turn to stare.
‘Come on,’ he urges quietly. ‘Everyone will think you’re my bird and we’re having a bust-up.’
‘Fat bloody chance of that!’ But I allow him to manoeuvre me around the corner to the car park.