‘Yesterday.’ They’re still in my bag because I didn’t want Richard to see the one of Ben.
‘Can you bring them?’
‘Sure.’
‘Also, there’s a camera shop around the corner from your work. We could pop in?’
I smile. ‘That’s a good idea.’ We end the call and my mood slumps.
Tomorrow, Lily! You’ll see him tomorrow! It’s not long to wait.
But it feels like forever. And by the time I’ve got through another night full of the guilts with Richard, plus a morning of constantly checking my phone and willing the time to pass, Nicola has grown suspicious.
‘What’s up with you today?’ she asks eventually. ‘Who are you expecting to call?’
‘No one – I’m just checking the time,’ I reply defensively. Usually it’s Mel who cottons onto anything out of the ordinary, but luckily she’s busy making sure a conference this morning runs smoothly. I must really be overdoing it for Nicola to pick up on anything.
‘Why are you checking the time so much, then?’ she perseveres.
‘I’m hungry. Waiting for lunch.’
‘Soup today?’ she enquires, and I’m not convinced I’ve got away with it.
‘I might even go all out and get a sandwich.’
‘Good for you.’
Nicola takes an early lunch at twelve and in the meantime, Mel returns. Finally it’s one o’clock and I can hi-tail it out of there. I told Ben to meet me out the front because I didn’t want him waltzing up to reception and piquing my colleagues’ curiosity. After a quick dash to the ladies to top up my lippy, I hurry outside. I’m five minutes late so he’s already standing there when I arrive, wearing the same grey trousers I’ve seen before and a black jacket. When his dark-blue eyes smile down at me, a memory slams into me of the sex I had yesterday morning. I inadvertently blush.
‘Hi,’ he says, looking at me with amusement.
‘Hello. Sorry I’m late.’
‘I’m early. Nice building.’
‘Thanks. It’s alright.’
‘Pretty good place to work,’ he comments.
‘It’s cool that it’s central.’
‘But you still want more from your job.’
‘Shhh!’ I look around. ‘My boss might hear me and give me the sack.’
‘Aw, sorry.’ He wraps his arm around my neck and presses his lips to the top of my head. Then he lets me go again. It happens so quickly that I don’t have time to react.
‘The camera shop isn’t far from here,’ he says. ‘I’ve been surfing the net, but it’ll be good to pick the salesperson’s brains, too.’
I fall silent. Suddenly I feel silly. What the hell am I thinking, going to buy a camera? Do I really believe I can become a professional photographer? I don’t know anything about cameras! I haven’t even attempted to research them. I come to a slow stop on the street.
‘What’s wrong?’ Ben asks.
‘I don’t know.’ I avert my eyes.
‘Hey.’ He reaches down and takes my hand. ‘You can tell me.’
I look up at him, at the concern on his face. His hand is warm in mine. Yes, it makes me feel jittery, but it’s also reassuring.
‘I don’t know what I’m doing,’ I admit.
‘What do you mean?’
‘I know nothing about taking pictures.’
‘But that’s the point of getting a camera, so you can learn.’
I stare at him warily. ‘I think I might be deluding myself.’
‘No, you’re not.’ He shakes his head adamantly. ‘Lily, you have something. It may be raw talent, but everyone has to start somewhere. Why don’t you do a photography course?’
A spark of hope fills up my insides. Yes, I could do a course! But the spark just as quickly dims again.
‘I still think I’m deluding myself.’
‘You’re not,’ he insists, squeezing my hand. ‘Trust me.’
I stare right back at him and take a large breath. ‘Okay.’
‘Good,’ he says. ‘Let’s go.’
He drops my hand and I follow him, fighting the urge to grasp hold of it again.
I buy a camera on my credit card, and I’m practically bursting with excitement and delight as Ben walks me back to the office.
‘I’m going to look into courses this afternoon,’ I promise him. ‘I can’t wait to play with this tonight.’ There’s such a spring in my step, you’d think I’m wearing trainers, not high heels.
‘I don’t think I’ve ever seen you this happy.’
It’s true. I haven’t felt this happy for a long time. We reach the side of my building and I stop and beam up at him.
‘Hey, I haven’t seen your photos,’ Ben remembers. ‘Do you have time?’
‘I can go back five minutes late,’ I reply, getting the pack out of my bag and handing them over. He leans up against the building and comments on various shots as he goes. He agrees with me that I missed a trick with the sailboat photo.
‘Josh distracted me,’ I say, peering over his shoulder.
‘Ah, was this the weekend he was here?’
‘Yeah. Look, there he is.’ I point at the next shot of Josh having a pint at a bar near the Opera House. ‘He didn’t bring his camera so you’ll have to excuse the next few tourist shots. I promised I’d send them to him.’
Ben studies the photo of Josh. ‘Still looks the same,’ he murmurs, then he glances at me. ‘Did anything ever happen between you?’
‘Nope,’ I reply, then before I can stop myself: ‘Would it have bothered you if it had?’
He turns his attention back to the pack. ‘You know it would have.’
There are photos of my family in there, but none, thankfully, of Richard. It hasn’t occurred to me to take any of him, bizarrely.
Eventually Ben comes to the one of him on the boat. He gives me a playful look.
‘You don’t want this one, do you?’
‘Give it here.’ I reach for it, but he holds it away at arm’s length.
‘I might send it to my mum.’
‘Oi. Give it back – now.’
‘She’d really like it,’ he teases.
I grab his arm and wrestle the photo from his grasp as he laughs. ‘How rude.’ I put on a prim and proper English accent. I meet his eyes and am greeted with a naughty look. For once, I don’t go red.
‘What are you doing tonight?’ he asks.
I falter for a second before pulling a lie out of my cap. ‘I . . . It’s a friend’s birthday. I’m having dinner in Manly.’
He nods and I swear he can see right through me. ‘When’s your next day off?’ I ask shiftily.
‘Monday,’ he says.
‘Do you . . . Would you fancy coming in to have lunch with me again?’
He smiles slightly. ‘Yeah, sure. Same time and place?’
‘Is that okay?’
‘Of course.’
I force a smile and indicate the plastic bag holding my new purchase. ‘Thanks,’ I say. ‘Thanks for persuading me.’
‘Now you have to get onto that course,’ he replies, backing away.
‘Absolutely!’ I practically shout, totally overcompensating for wavering a moment ago. He grins and turns away and I experience the usual horrible comedown. I walk around the corner of the building, feeling downhearted, and then I remember my new camera and the smile is back on my face in a flash.
I push through the doors to my building, all excited about showing Nicola and Mel what I’ve got, but as soon as I see them, I know something’s not quite right.
‘Who is he?’ Nicola asks immediately as I approach the reception desk.
‘Who’s who?’ I reply, but it’s too late. She’s seen my expression.
‘I saw you on my way back in from lunch,’ she reveals, smirking, as I walk around the desk to my seat.
My pulse races as I try to think what she could have seen. On her way back in from lunch . . . That was an hour ago. What? What did she see?
‘What are you going on about?’ I try to seem indifferent as I perch myself on my stool.
‘That hot, sexy man?’ Nicola persists. I can feel her and Mel watching me like a hawk for any sense of weakness.
‘Who – Ben?’ I pull a face.
‘Is that his name? He’s a bit of alright.’
‘He’s an old friend,’ I say dismissively. ‘He came camera shopping with me today.’ I pull the camera box out of the plastic bag. ‘Check it out.’
‘Wow, that’s a bit specky,’ Mel says, leaning in for a look as I get out the camera from its box. ‘How much was it?’
‘Put it this way, it maxed out my credit card. Do you mind if I stick it on here to charge?’ I indicate the power point underneath the reception desk.
‘Sure.’ Mel shrugs.
Nicola rests her elbow against the desk and grins across at me. I look away. ‘So,’ she says. ‘Who’s Ben?’
‘I told you, an old friend.’
‘I haven’t heard you mention him before.’
‘I only bumped into him again recently,’ I explain. ‘I used to know him in Adelaide.’
‘Another sexy Adelaide boy.’ She sighs.
‘He’s not exactly a boy.’ I can’t help but laugh. ‘He used to work at the conservation park where I had a summer job.’
‘What did he do there?’ Mel’s interested now.
‘He was a keeper. He looked after the koalas,’ I tell them.
‘Phwoar. Sexy and good with animals,’ Nicola says dreamily.
Out of the blue I see an image in my head of Nicola kissing Ben.
‘What?’ Nicola says.
‘Sorry?’ I ask.
‘You looked like you were in pain.’
‘No, no, it’s nothing.’ I brush her off.
I see Nicola throw Mel a look. ‘Better crack on,’ Mel says, and Nicola turns away as they both get on with their work.
I look down at the camera in my hands and feel dizzy. I try to take a couple of deep breaths, but the thought of Nicola with Ben is too much. The thought of anyone with Ben is too much. He’s single now. I can’t let him fall for anyone else, I can’t!
Seeing more of him has not made it easier. There’s no clear-cut decision. But I’m going to have to make a decision soon. I can’t keep going on like this. It’s wrong. Very, very wrong.
It strikes me that I’ve been carrying this weight on my shoulders for over ten years and I haven’t had anyone to talk to about it. Not a single person. My friends in Adelaide wouldn’t understand why I didn’t tell them years ago, and they certainly wouldn’t comprehend the gravity of it or the depth of my feelings for Ben because I always kept quiet. My closest friends here, Lucy and Molly . . . well, they’d be horrified at my betrayal of Richard. Could I confide in Nicola and Mel? I glance across at them, both diligently typing away on their keyboards.
I don’t know them that well, and that could be a good thing. And they’ve only met Richard a couple of times so their loyalty would most certainly be with me.
Maybe it’s time to talk to someone about this . . .
At that moment, the doors open and Jonathan Laurence strolls up to the receptionist desk. To my right, Mel flicks back her hair. Horny banker or no horny banker, she’s still got the hots for him.
‘Lily,’ he says. ‘Could I have a word with you?’
‘Of course. Shall I come upstairs?’
‘No, no, here is fine. Bronte has been given the opportunity to go abroad on a shoot next week and before she organises cover through the temping agency, I wanted to mention it to you. And your colleagues, of course.’ He smiles at Mel and Nicola. ‘Would you be interested – if Melissa and Nicola here are happy to arrange a temp for reception, of course?’
I glance at them and they both nod encouragingly. ‘Thanks – I’d love to,’ I beam.
‘Great. I’ll have Bronte email you the details this afternoon.’
‘Thank you.’
‘No problem.’
‘That’s so cool,’ Mel gushes when he’s out of earshot.
‘Brilliant,’ Nicola agrees.
‘Are you sure you don’t mind?’ I check, but they both wave me away.
‘Of course not,’ Nicola says. ‘You’ve got to do what you can.’
‘Maybe you can get Cara back in,’ I suggest.
‘Maybe,’ Mel says. ‘Cara and her hooting laugh.’
‘And her takeaway coffees.’ Nicola stares off into the distance, wistfully.
‘Is that a hint?’ I ask.
‘No, no, no,’ she replies with a grin. ‘But if you’re passing Starbucks, make mine a skinny latte.’
The day goes by slowly because I’m desperate to get home and play with my new toy. I read the manual on the ferry journey to Manly, but I’m too nervous to actually take a shot in case I drop the damn thing.
Richard is already home when I get there. I’m disappointed because I’d like to practise in peace. It’s an awful thought to have because we haven’t spent any quality time together since he got back from his surfing trip. I don’t know why. Or maybe I do. Maybe it’s because I’m trying to prepare myself for the absence of him in my life. I push open the door and see him lying on the sofa watching television, and sadness washes over me. It’s such a comforting sight. It’s what I’m used to.
‘Hey,’ he says, reaching out for me.
I drop my bags and go around to him, suddenly wanting to be in his arms. I squeeze myself onto the sofa and lay my head on his chest. A split second later I’m fighting back tears. I shut my eyes tightly and force back the sensation.
‘This is nice,’ he murmurs into my hair. ‘I feel like I haven’t seen you properly for ages.’
‘I know what you mean,’ I reply. ‘My family will be gone soon and you’ll have me all to yourself again.’
He chuckles and pulls me up to face him. ‘No disrespect to any of them, but that will be nice.’ He leans forward to peck me on the lips. ‘When are they back from the mountains?’
‘Tomorrow.’
‘Any plans yet for tomorrow night?’
‘Probably dinner with them after work if you fancy traipsing into the city. But we’ll need to see them Friday because it’s their last night, so you could wait until then if you prefer.’
‘I might do that.’ I rest my head back down on his chest. He lightly runs his fingers over my back. ‘What do you want to eat tonight?’
‘I think there’s some of that curry I made a few weeks ago in the freezer.’
‘That’d be good.’ He detaches himself from me and gets up from the sofa. I follow him into the open-plan kitchen area and get on with the process of defrosting our dinner in the microwave before hoisting myself up onto the countertop. Richard puts on the rice and comes over to me, standing between my legs and planting a kiss on my lips. ‘What do you want to drink?’
‘Cider?’
‘Sure.’ He gets to it, pouring cider into two glasses filled with ice and handing one over. My dad told me loads of people drink cider on ice in England now. And to think I thought it would never happen . . .
‘Cheers,’ I say, chinking his glass. ‘Hey, the Editor of Marbles magazine asked me to cover for his editorial assistant next week.’
‘That’s cool,’ he says, looking impressed. ‘I keep meaning to ask if you get paid extra for it?’
‘No, it’s the same day rate. But speaking of money . . .’ I jump down from the counter. ‘I bought something today.’
‘Did you? What?’
I retrieve the plastic bag from the hall. ‘This.’ I smile sheepishly as I pull out the camera box.
‘A camera?’ He’s taken aback. ‘How much did it cost?’
My smile flatlines. ‘I put it on my credit card.’
He reaches into the bag and pulls out a receipt. ‘Jesus, Lily!’ he exclaims.
‘What?’ I’m starting to feel a little sick.
‘Can we afford this?’ he demands.
‘It’s not what w
e can afford, it’s what I can afford.’ I’m annoyed now.
‘Oh, like that, is it? I thought we were supposed to be saving for a wedding.’ He looks hurt and it immediately pacifies me.
‘I put it on my credit card, like I said.’ I actually was planning on telling him Ben came with me to buy it, but now I’m thinking that’s not such a good idea.
‘But you still have to pay it back. Don’t you already have a camera?’
Now I’m annoyed again. ‘Yes, but it’s really old. It’s hopeless. I need something up-to-date if I’m going to be serious about this.’
‘And are you going to be serious?’ He looks confused.
‘Yes,’ I reply, calmly but firmly. ‘I want to do a course in photography.’
He stares down at the floor. Then he briskly shakes his head and goes to stir the rice.
‘What? Aren’t you going to say anything?’
‘What is there to say? You’ve obviously made up your mind.’
‘It’s what I want to do.’
‘Aren’t you a bit old to have a sudden career change?’ he snaps.
‘I’m only twenty-six,’ I counter, but inside, my usual doubts are beginning to swirl around. I try to quash them. ‘Why are you being such an arse about this?’
‘I’m not being an arse. I just. Don’t. Get. It.’
‘Then you don’t get me.’ I didn’t mean to say that out loud. But it’s there now, between us.
‘Fine, if that’s how you feel.’ He stalks out of the kitchen. I stare in dismay as he puts on his coat in the hall.
‘Where are you going? What about dinner?’
‘I’m not hungry,’ he replies bluntly, opening the door, walking out and shutting it behind him.
I sit there in stunned silence. The microwave starts to beep and I slide off the counter and open the door, turning off the gas cooking the rice on the stove. I’m not hungry now either.
My anger turns to sadness and then to regret. I sit on the sofa and wait for him, unable to bring myself to look at my new camera. My excitement is long gone. Eventually I start to see it from Richard’s point of view. He thinks I’m changing, and he must believe it’s to do with him. He’s right, to an extent. I started to change when he proposed to me. But it’s not his fault. It’s mine. It’s all because of Ben.
I hear his keys turn in the lock after fifteen minutes and he appears, looking downcast.