There was a time when I’d believed everything Mateo said. He’d been one of the most honest people I knew, and I’d never had any reason to doubt him. Sometimes he’d tell me the truth even if it wasn’t what I wanted to hear. But now, I didn’t know if he was telling the truth. I doubted he was that honest-to-a-fault guy anymore.
He leaned down suddenly, and my breath caught. His lips were inches from mine. It would be so easy, so natural, to kiss him. My mind might be all twisted up with confusion, but my body wasn’t. My body remembered everything about him. His touch. His scent. His taste.
I looked at his mouth and wet my lips instinctively.
I didn’t know what I’d do if he kissed me. Okay, I did. I’d kiss him back. I’d revel in this hot vibe between us, if only for a couple of minutes, then I’d push him away to let him know he wasn’t going to get any more than that.
But he wasn’t trying to kiss me. He was just hovering there. It was like his whole body had frozen into robot mode, and he was waiting for me to do something, press some button, to put him into motion.
“Well?” I asked.
“Sorry.” He blinked. “Just having flashbacks, if you know what I mean.”
God, I knew exactly what he meant. Flashbacks to those nights we’d been all over each other, almost crazed with wanting each other. Sometimes I wish we’d done it—had sex. He should’ve been my first. Maybe if I’d slept with him, I could’ve rid myself of him. Could’ve filled the need. Maybe then I wouldn’t still want him.
“Remember the party at Rita’s house?” he asked huskily.
I felt all my lower muscles tighten. I would never forget that night. We’d made out till dawn, straining together, crossing lines we hadn’t intended to cross. “I remember.”
His lips moved in a wicked smile. “Me too.”
“No amount of concealer can save you, girl,” Kylie said at the mall the next day.
Shopping the makeup section wasn’t a good idea after a sleepless night. The sinkholes under my eyes looked ready to swallow my face.
Kylie, of course, looked bright and shiny. “Big night last night?”
“Yes and no.” I’d caught a ride home with Feenix and Kenny around one a.m., but hadn’t been able to sleep. I kept waiting, hoping, for Alex to walk in the door. But he never did. So I just stared at the ceiling, mind wandering.
After my encounter with Mateo at the club, I was just a little revved up.
“Alex didn’t come home again last night,” I said, dabbing at a lipstick sample and smearing it on the back of my hand.
“That color’s too dark for you.” She looked at me. “I hope you’re still on Mateo’s case.”
“Oh yeah.” I showed her the text I sent him this morning.
Please text Alex and tell him if he’s not home by 10 tonight I’m gonna find him and drag his ass home.
His reply: OK.
Kylie looked skeptical. “Are you sure you want to give Alex an ultimatum? He’ll know you’re bluffing.”
“I’m not bluffing.”
She raised her eyebrows. “Oh really? So what are you gonna do come ten o’clock? Walk the streets calling his name like he’s a lost pet?”
“Something like that. I’ll ask around. Find out where he is.”
“It’s a bad idea.” She took a sip of her iced mocha before turning to the selection of lip glosses.
“Do you have a better one?”
“No, but I can spot a bad one a mile away. You know I tell you the truth, right?”
“Yes. That’s why I love you so much.”
She pouted into the mirror, checking her face. “Love you too, baby. Tell me, what if you find him? Are you going to yank him home by the ear in front of a bunch of Locos?”
“I haven’t figured that part out yet.”
“Promise me you won’t go out looking for him.”
“I can’t. What would you do if he were your brother?”
“Honestly? I have no clue. But I do know I wouldn’t go on some late-night recon mission.”
“I have to do something. I keep feeling like time’s running out, like something bad is going to happen to him.”
Her eyes widened. “Where do you have this feeling?”
“Where do I feel it?” It was a strange question, but right away my hand went to my gut. It was where I felt everything.
Kylie bit her lip. “Yikes. My grandma used to say, if you feel it in your head, ignore it. If you feel it in your gut, don’t you dare.”
“I bet your grandma would support me going to find him.”
“She’d support you calling the police, reporting him missing.”
“If I do that, he’ll be so pissed he’ll run away as soon as he gets the chance.”
“You could have the school do it. Or your dad.”
I shook my head. “It doesn’t matter who does it. He’ll take it as an attack on his freedom. You know what he’s like.”
“Have you thought about ratting out your dad for being gone so much? Mr. No Show?”
Kylie didn’t like my dad. Not for anything he’d actually done, but for everything he hadn’t. As far as I was concerned, Dad was like a kid, too absorbed by his own needs to really see anyone else’s. I couldn’t hate him for letting us down when he was too clueless to realize it.
When Mom had gotten sick, Dad was around even less than usual. He seemed to take on more cross-country routes than ever. Medical bills, he’d said—and it was partly true. But we all knew it was his escape. He can’t handle how he feels, so he runs, Mom once said.
Not all men were like that, though. Kylie’s dad wasn’t. He was a teddy bear who cried at TV shows and gave her roses before her prom. She was a daddy’s girl, through and through.
“I called Dad this morning and told him Alex didn’t come home again last night. He promised he wouldn’t be away too long this time. But I can’t wait on Dad to go chasing after Alex. Mateo told me that he isn’t a full-fledged member of the Locos yet. But they could initiate him any day.”
She sighed. “Fine. If you insist on going into gang territory in the middle of the night, you’ll need a ride. Call me tonight.”
“It’s okay. Mateo’s going with me.”
She raised her eyebrows. “Has he agreed to this?”
I shrugged. “Does it matter?”
“You’re badass, girl.”
That night, at ten fifteen, Mateo and I sat in my driveway.
We’d barely said two words to each other on the ride home. The lights in the house were out. Alex obviously hadn’t taken my threat seriously.
“He never replied to my text,” Mateo said after checking his phone.
“Then we have to go find him. I hope you knew I was serious.”
His eyes flickered with the faintest amusement. “Never doubted it.”
“Will you drive me?”
“Hell yeah. I’m not gonna let you go by yourself.”
Well, that was easier than expected. “Where should we start?”
“I have an idea. But I want you to understand, we have to be real careful here. At best we piss off Alex. At worst we piss off the Locos.”
“So? They’ve pissed me off.”
“When you get pissed off, you don’t shoot people. That’s the difference. I want you to promise that you’re gonna let me handle this.”
“Fine. I promise.”
He looked down at his phone, writing a text. He showed it to me.
Heads up. Sis on a rampage looking for you. Let me know where you’re at.
“What are you doing? If you think you know where we can find him, why tip him off?”
“It’s about saving face.” He sent the text. “This is how we’re gonna get him home. Not by taking him by surprise.”
He drove to a sketchy neighborhood ten minutes away. Housing projects were crammed together, block after block, the exteriors peeling and dilapidated. While at first the neighborhood seemed deserted, I gradually spotted clusters of people on
balconies, doorsteps, and between houses. They watched us drive by as if they knew, by the sight of an unfamiliar car, that we didn’t belong.
One brave deli had a neon Open sign, but several other strip-mall businesses had been boarded up for good. Mateo pulled over near the deli but didn’t turn off the engine. A text came up on his phone. He showed me.
Tell her to chill the fuck out.
Mateo swore. “Your brother’s a pain in the ass.”
“And so am I?”
He looked at me meaningfully. “You’re something else altogether.” He texted Alex: We’re here. Come out with your hands up. Lol. Seriously you better come with us if you don’t want drama.
“Let’s go,” he said, getting out of the car.
Eyes followed us as we walked down the street. I was no fragile flower, but I didn’t feel safe here. I stayed close by Mateo’s side, reminding myself that this was a good idea. I had to prove to Alex that I wasn’t bluffing. He couldn’t just do whatever he wanted.
“Where are we going?” I asked.
“Animale’s house.”
My stomach tensed. “How do you know where he lives?”
“The guy’s hooked up from his ears to his ass. Doesn’t go anywhere without snapping a picture. Thinks he’s a gangsta celeb or something. I saw enough on his pages to know where he lives. Anyway, it’s a place to start.”
“Good idea. I should’ve thought of that. Alex blocked me from his Facebook page, so I had to create a fake profile just to see it.” I brought the page up on my phone and showed him Kylie’s picture.
“Alexandra Chen. Nice.”
“I wish I didn’t have to do it. These are pictures of my friend Kylie who works at Compass—with her permission, of course.”
“Of course.” He seemed to be restraining a smile.
“I posted a few pictures initially to make the profile look real, but then I started getting all these friend requests from random guys. It was nonstop.”
Now he was laughing. “So what’d you do?”
“I had to set the profile to private. That’s what Kylie had to do with her own profile. It’s not easy being that hot, apparently.”
“Not a problem I’ve had. I’ve got to say, I’m impressed.” His eyes twinkled. “You’re shady when you want to be.”
“Should I be flattered?”
“Absolutely.” His smile made my breath catch.
Mateo suddenly stopped walking.
“That’s the place over there,” he said.
It was a small, run-down white house. A group of guys chilled on the porch. Well, maybe chilled wasn’t the right word. They seemed too serious—especially the tall, heavily tattooed guy whose legs were propped up on the table. He looked older than the others. I recognized him from somewhere.
“Wait here,” Mateo said, stopping me at the curb.
“But—”
“You promised.”
“Frigging all right.”
He approached the front steps but didn’t climb them. He placed a hand over the chipped white banister. “Hey, we’re looking for Alex. Anybody know where he’s at?”
He was perfect. Friendly, but to the point. Strong, but not threatening.
Everybody turned to look at the inked older guy. The guy stood up and walked across the porch toward Mateo, his tattoos seeming to morph as he went.
That’s when it hit me: he was the Loco who’d attacked the biker at the theater—the guy Mateo had pistol-whipped. Did he recognize Mateo?
“How you know our boy Santo?” Tattoo asked.
I knew from Facebook that Santo was Alex’s nickname. Was it because he had a good heart? Or was it one of those ironic names because he was really a devil?
If Mateo was nervous, he showed no sign of it. He nudged his chin in my direction. “Alex is my girl’s little brother. He’s gotta come home now and then. He’s only fifteen, see, and we don’t want the cops to go looking for him.”
It was a risk, mentioning the cops.
I bet Tattoo didn’t want the cops to start sniffing around either. He squinted at Mateo. “Yo, do I know you?”
My heart stopped.
Please, God, no.
“Nah. This is a mug people don’t forget,” Mateo said with a chuckle. “It’s Mateo.”
“Manny,” Tattoo said.
I wished Mateo hadn’t used his real name. What if this guy clued in later as to who he was and tracked him down?
Manny turned around and smacked the nearest guy’s arm. “Jesus, didn’t you hear? Go get Santo! Tell him his hermana’s here!”
The younger guy ran inside.
Manny’s face broke into a lazy, rather charming smile. “He’ll be right out, amigo. No worries.”
Moments later, Alex appeared in the doorway. Relief whooshed through me. I wanted to run up and hug him, then wring his neck.
Alex went down the steps. “What the fuck?”
Mateo took the question. “It’s no big deal, man. Let’s just call it a night.”
Alex ignored that, continuing to stare me down. “You’re stalking me now?”
I put my hands on my hips. “Thanks to you. Let’s go. We’ll talk in the car.”
“I ain’t going with you.” He crossed his arms. He reminded me of a toddler at the day care. I bet if I grabbed his arm, he’d go limp and wiggly.
“You are going,” I said.
“Get out of here, bitch!” Alex lurched forward, but Mateo got between us, putting a hand on his chest.
“Back off, Alex.” Mateo turned to me. “Go to the car, lock the doors. Wait for us.” He handed me the keys.
I nodded. I was seething, but I knew that if I didn’t walk away, I’d smack Alex.
In the car, two blocks down, I waited.
And waited.
What if Mateo couldn’t convince him to come home?
Another worry set in. What if the Locos decided to intervene or if Manny suddenly recognized him from the theater?
The thought made me get out of the car. If Mateo got hurt trying to help Alex . . .
But I’d only walked half a block when I saw them heading my way. Mateo looked weary. Alex hung his head, refusing to look at me.
The car ride was painfully quiet.
When we got home, Alex slammed the car door and ran upstairs to his room. Mateo came in too.
In the living room, we sat down on opposite couches.
“How’d you get him to come home?” I asked.
“I told him that if he didn’t come with us, we’d call the cops to take him home. He panicked. The Locos wouldn’t appreciate the cops stopping by.”
“Good call.” I was relieved. But our win was temporary. “I know I didn’t give you any choice in helping me, but thanks.”
“I don’t want to see anything bad happen to the kid.” He leaned forward, placing his elbows on his knees and cracking his knuckles. “Even though it took everything I had not to punch him in the face when he disrespected you. The kid is angry. He lost his mom and his dad’s not there for him. It’s a lot of anger to undo. But it can be done.
“I’ll stay the night.” He picked up the remote and turned on the TV. “In case Alex tries to slip out.”
“Oh. Thank you.” I closed my eyes. I couldn’t thank him enough. I was tempted to grab his hand or give him a hug. But I didn’t trust myself to touch him. “I’ll make up my dad’s bed.”
“It’s all right, I’ll take the couch. It’ll be easier to hear if he tries to go anywhere.”
“Right. Okay.”
“Grace?”
I saw the hunger in his eyes, and I was a goner.
I didn’t know who crossed the space first, who made the first move. I just knew that his kiss was searing hot and openmouthed. I grabbed the back of his head, bringing him closer. We took a deep, shuddering breath, and then were kissing again. I heard him groan, and my whole body turned to water.
His tongue. His lips. God, they were more incredible than I remembered. He wanted
me. I knew it in his touch, his ragged breathing. The way his hard body pressed me into the couch, crushing me. The way he whispered my name reverently against my mouth.
“It’s killing me,” he said.
What was killing him? Me?
He wrenched away suddenly, wiping his mouth. It had been a big, messy, out-of-control kiss. I wanted more.
“Grace . . .”
I was light-headed, as if I’d been breathing helium from a balloon. “What?”
“I’m sorry.”
I smoothed my hands over my hair. “It’s okay. My fault too.”
“Not for the kiss.” His dark eyes were pained. “For breaking your heart. For letting you down. I’m sorry.”
A rush of tears stung my eyes. I couldn’t even speak. All the old anguish rose up like a tidal wave. I managed to nod, then I hurried upstairs.
NEED
AT 6:55 THE NEXT MORNING, I crept into the kitchen, hoping not to wake Mateo. But I wound up smashing into his bare chest.
I looked down, awed. Dark, curling chest hair trailed down to his hard stomach.
He hadn’t had that before.
There was a moment of awkward shuffling before we got our bearings.
“I was just putting on coffee,” he said, embarrassed. “Didn’t think you’d be up yet.”
That’s when I realized he wasn’t wearing any pants.
He wore nothing but navy boxer briefs. I drank in the sight of him, the long legs, trim hips, muscular torso. The shadow of stubble on his jawline. God, he looked good. His eyes flickered to mine, and his expression heated up. He turned around fast.
“Um—clothes.” He went to the living room and grabbed his pants off the couch, pulling them on quickly. Then he put on last night’s T-shirt, covering up all that skin. So sad.
“Thanks for staying over,” I said, standing by the coffeemaker. I was glad I’d already showered, dressed, and put on some makeup—just in case he’d spotted me. I wasn’t going to risk coming downstairs looking like a sack of crap.
“He didn’t try to run last night,” Mateo said.
“That’s good.”
“I wish I could stay to talk to him, but I’ve got an exam this morning. Can’t miss it.”
“You have an exam?” Of course. It was the end of April—exam time for most college students. And I’d made him go out on a mission to bring home Alex when he could’ve been studying. Or sleeping. “Are you ready for it?”