It made sense now—the cold way he’d sent me away. “That’s twisted.”
“I know.”
I wasn’t letting him off the hook. “You could’ve called me to explain. You made me feel like a joke.”
His eyes dropped. “I know. I thought about calling you. But I told myself it was better if you hated me. Then it would be a clean break. You’d be free of me, and safe.”
“I felt . . .” I didn’t want to put it in words. I’d felt worthless, like he’d never really loved me.
There was a plea in his eyes. “I know it was the wrong thing to do. But what would you have done if I’d explained it to you? You’d have forgiven me. You might’ve taken me back. I couldn’t let that happen. I didn’t trust myself to stay away from you. We were both better off with you hating me.”
“I wish I’d hated you. But I thought it was my fault—that I was too needy, too crazy.”
“I’m so sorry,” he said.
I wiped my tears with my fingers. “It’s okay.”
We sat there in silence. Eventually he pulled back onto the road and drove the rest of the way to my house.
I didn’t know what was happening between us. But it felt like we’d arrived someplace we hadn’t been to before. We’d arrived at honesty.
And at my house.
He turned off the engine. The lights were out.
“He’s not home,” I said, stating the obvious.
“Don’t worry. I never thought he’d stop hanging out with them cold turkey. But I’m hoping I’ve given him stuff to think about.” He checked his phone. “Look, he texted me. Said to tell you he’ll be home by one. It’s a good sign.”
“He could’ve texted me,” I grumbled, seeing no messages on my phone. But Mateo was right. Just the fact that Alex had checked in with him, and given himself a curfew, was progress.
“He’s also reminding me that I’m taking him driving tomorrow afternoon,” Mateo said. “He wants to learn.”
“That’s great. He’ll be sixteen in August.”
“He’s hoping to buy a car.”
“I wonder how he’ll manage that without a job.”
“He’s been talking about looking for one.”
“Has he? I’m afraid to hope. A job would keep him busy and off the streets.” I unbuckled. “Want to hang out for a bit?”
I felt his hesitation. It seemed to be coming from a deep, heavy place.
“I shouldn’t.”
“Why not?”
“Because.” The word was a growl. “You know why.”
But I didn’t know why. He was driving me crazy. I could hardly eat, sleep, breathe without thinking about him. We’d come to a place of openness and honesty, a place I’d never thought we could get to. And damn it, I wasn’t ready for him to go home.
He took a breath, avoiding my eyes. “If I go in there, I’ll be all over you.”
I bit my lip against a groan. “So?” Wasn’t that what he wanted? It was what I wanted.
“I don’t think it would be smart.”
Understanding clicked. He was tempted to fool around, but he wasn’t looking to be tied down. He didn’t think I could handle that. He thought I was too fragile. He still saw me as that girl who’d fallen apart on his front lawn.
I swung open the car door, the bright interior light coming on. “I’m not the pathetic girl I used to be, in case you were wondering.”
I moved to get out of the car, but he put a hand on my thigh. “Don’t say that. You were never, ever pathetic. I loved that girl.”
Loved. Past tense. Of course. How could I have thought that he wanted to be with me again?
I must be delusional.
AMBULANCE
THE NEXT MORNING, I LOGGED into my online course and found out I got an A on my sociology paper. The teacher commented: An interesting paper. Hopefully in college you’ll continue this research. Well done.
I pumped a fist. Awesome! If I stayed on track, my average would be back up where I needed it to be to get into college.
How ironic that my paper was on empathy. Mateo had said that feeling people’s pain was my specialty.
Thinking back to last night, I cringed. I really thought we would take the next step. But I’d mistaken his attraction to me for more. He’d gotten over me long ago. He only wanted to resolve the past, not open it up again. The whole situation was painful and embarrassing.
Alex woke up around noon and slunked downstairs to the kitchen. I was in the living room on my laptop and said “hi” as he scrounged around for some food. He’d come in by one last night, as promised.
“Want scrambled eggs with cheese?” I asked.
“It’s okay. Cereal’s good.”
He sat down at the kitchen table and ate. I knew I should wait a few minutes before trying to have a conversation with him. He was always grumpy in the morning. It was a family trait.
“Got an A on my paper,” I said, when he’d almost finished his food.
“What paper?”
“For my online sociology course.”
“Oh, that’s cool. Maybe you could do some of my papers for me.”
“I’d totally help you.” It might not be too late for him to pass some of his courses, but I knew not to push him. Mateo was right—keeping Alex from becoming a full member of the Locos was the priority. School could wait.
“When’s Mateo coming over?” I asked.
He glanced at the microwave clock. “Twelve thirty. He says he’s a sick driver and he’s gonna teach me all the crazy-ass techniques.” Alex shoveled in the last of his cereal and got up. “I’d better shower.”
Mateo showed up a few minutes later looking freshly showered but tired. Maybe he’d slept as little as I had. His expression was closed off. The chasm between us was deep enough to fall into.
His dark eyes were uncertain. “Alex here?”
“He’ll be down in a minute. Come in.”
He did, hands in his pockets, back to the door. I went back to typing on the laptop.
Alex bounded down the stairs. “Hey, man, you ready?”
Mateo fist-pounded him. “The question is, are you ready?”
“Damn straight.”
They headed out.
I ducked my head out the door. “Bring him home in one piece, okay?”
“Promise,” Mateo said, and they got in the car.
Mateo wasn’t at work that night.
I kept glancing toward the glass doors. It was odd. He hadn’t missed a shift since he’d started working here, and he hadn’t seemed sick earlier today. Alex had come home two hours later, pumped. They’d had an awesome time driving, then Mateo had taken him out to eat.
By seven, I texted Mateo: Where are you?
No reply. That was odd too. Now that his exams were done, he was waiting for his certification to come through before he could take paid shifts as a paramedic. So where was he?
“What’s with the mood today?” Feenix asked, way too perceptive.
“Nothing. Mateo took Alex driving today. They had a great time.”
“What about you and Mateo?”
Screw pride—I might as well tell her. “He blew me off.”
Her eyes bugged out. “In the good way or the bad way?”
“Bad way.”
“You’re a liar!”
“I’m serious. I invited him in last night. My brother wasn’t home. And he said no.”
“He said no!” she screamed, startling a customer who’d been approaching us. The customer made a WTF? face and headed for popcorn instead.
“Mateo said that if he came in, he’d want to . . . you know. But then he didn’t come in.”
Her jaw dropped. “That makes no sense. Has he got another girl?”
“I don’t know.” That possibility had occurred to me, but I hadn’t wanted to think about it. I knew that when I’d texted him sometimes, even late at night, he wasn’t at home. He never said where he was or what he was doing. Was he with a girl? He was of
ten texting friends—was one of them a girlfriend?
“He might have someone,” I said. “Sometimes he’s out really late, and I don’t know what he’s up to.”
“He could be on one of those hook-up apps. Maybe he calls himself Scarred Sensualist. With a bod like that, he could be getting hundreds of right swipes a day.”
“Is that supposed to be comforting?”
“No, I guess not.” She put an arm around me. “Sorry.”
“It’s okay. He might have a girlfriend, but I don’t think he’s the casual hook-up type.” I sighed. “You’re lucky that you’ve got Kenny. You guys are freaking beautiful together.”
She smiled. “Best man I ever met.”
“I was worried when you said things were getting a bit routine.”
“Don’t be. He’s my forever boo, my sweet Kenny Bear. I won’t go screwing it up.”
“Better not.”
Luke’s swanky crib.
Throbbing music.
My gaze swept the room. There were twice as many people as usual and lots of cute guys.
I checked my phone just in case Mateo had gotten back to me. He hadn’t. He usually texted me back, but I guess last night had changed things. He was pulling away. Must be history repeating itself.
Whatever. It was time to party.
I drank. Danced. Although I kept thinking about Mateo, I partied like it didn’t matter.
I was two drinks and two Jell-O shots in by the time I slammed on the brakes. I was pretty buzzed, maybe borderline drunk. I made sure to secure a ride with Feenix so she and Kenny didn’t take off without me.
Luke had his eyes on me tonight. I couldn’t ignore that fact.
At some point we were dancing together.
His hand was on my hip, and he held a red fruity drink in the other. For such a large guy, he moved well. Sensual, fluid. I was getting heated up.
The truth was, I was already heated up. Ever since Mateo had come back into my life, I’d been in overdrive. I was a lit cigarette, and Luke wanted to take a drag. I was tempted to let him.
“I like you,” he said, his breath hot in my ear.
I didn’t know what to say. I just smiled and kept dancing.
Playing with fire.
He steered my hips closer, and then we were grinding. I saw his eyes go hooded as he watched our pelvises grind together.
I had to admit, in the deepest, darkest part of myself, I was taking satisfaction in these moments. Maybe Luke saw something Mateo didn’t.
“We need to talk,” Luke said close to my ear, his breath rippling down my neck. His hazel eyes were suddenly serious. “Meet me near the bathroom in five minutes. Don’t make it obvious.”
That was strange, but I went along with it.
Five minutes later, I stood in the sleek, hardwood hallway outside the bathroom. Luke walked up to me, grabbed my hand, and pulled me across the hall into his bedroom.
Closing the door, he said, “Sorry about that. I wanted to talk to you alone and didn’t want to start any rumors.”
“About what?”
“This.” He cupped my face in his hands and kissed me.
The game was over, I realized. The flirtation, the fun, it was over. This was real. I had to choose, and I had to choose now.
I kissed him back, opening my mouth. His kiss was hungry. My body burned, and I wanted more.
He’s not the one you want.
I tried to shut the voice out. He pressed me into the wall, his body molding against mine.
A bunch of things went through my head. I knew I wasn’t going to sleep with him. I could continue to enjoy this, suspended in this sexy haze, or I could take a step back.
In a minute, I told myself. I’d take a step back in one more minute.
When I pulled away, he groaned, and took a second to compose himself before looking up. “Aw fuck,” he said, but he was smiling lazily.
I smiled back at him. “It’s fun, but . . .”
“It’s okay. I understand.”
A sudden sadness came over me. It was never Luke’s arms I’d wanted around me, never his kiss I’d wanted to taste. He’d been a temporary distraction to fill the void left by Mateo.
Luke tipped up my chin. “Everything okay?”
“Yeah. I’d better go.”
“All right.” His eyes glittered with disappointment. “I’ll be out in a few minutes.”
I slipped out and went back to the living room, where the party was in full force. I checked my phone.
Ten missed calls from Mateo. Three texts.
Get to Mercy Hospital right away. Alex is hurt.
Feenix and Kenny dropped me off at the hospital. I ran inside the automatic doors while they went to park the car. Mateo was there waiting for me.
“Is he okay? What happened?” I looked around, ready to run in any direction.
“There was a fight. He went down on his head. Blacked out. But he was awake a few minutes ago, talking. I think he’ll be okay.”
“Thank God.” Only then did I realize that there was a guy standing beside us. He had striking blue eyes and a stone serious face. Ignoring me, he walked away.
“Who was that?”
“A friend. It doesn’t matter.”
Feenix and Kenny hurried in. She grabbed my arm. “How is he?”
“Okay, I think,” I said.
“Let’s go see him,” Mateo said.
Feenix held on to my arm as we followed Mateo. He took us to the elevator, where he pressed the button for the third floor. He led us down another hallway before stopping in front of a room.
He opened the door, and we peered in. Alex lay in a bed, eyes closed. He looked way too still. I watched him for a few seconds until I saw his chest move with a breath.
I turned to Mateo, panic rising. “I thought you said he was talking.”
“He was when they took him for X-rays. They must’ve given him pain meds for his head—that would put him to sleep right away. Let’s talk to the nurse.”
We went up to the nurse’s station. “Excuse me!” Feenix said loudly, causing the nurse to look up immediately. “We need to talk to somebody about Alex Dillane. This is his sister.”
“Just a minute, I’ll find someone for you,” the nurse said.
A couple of minutes later, a nurse in turquoise scrubs approached us, carrying a chart. “Hi. I’m Candace. Alex took a knock to the head, but we did some X-rays and didn’t see any significant brain swelling. Dr. Weller said we should keep him overnight for observation, but we expect to discharge him in the morning.”
I’d been holding my breath for the last few minutes. Now I was able to let it out. “Thanks.”
“If you’d come over to the desk, there are some papers we need you to fill out. Insurance information and such.”
My relief was replaced with a new dread. “Okay.” I didn’t want to think about how much this hospital stay would cost.
She looked at the others. “Since it’s well past visiting hours, I’m afraid you’ll have to leave,” she said, then headed to the nursing station.
Feenix gave me a hug. “You stay strong. He’ll be fine.”
“Thanks. I’ll call you tomorrow.”
“Take care, Grace,” Kenny said.
“I will.”
Mateo whispered in my ear, “I’ll meet you in his room.”
The three of them headed down the hall, disappearing around a corner. I went to the nurse’s station and filled out the forms. Alex was covered by Dad’s plan, but it wouldn’t cover everything. I flashed back to Mom’s medical bills. They’d kept coming for a year after she died. Her illness had taken every penny we had.
I went back to the room. Mateo was sitting by the bed. I was glad that he hadn’t left. I needed to find out what the hell was going on.
“What happened to him?”
He raked his hands through his hair. “The Destinos went after the Locos tonight. I got a tip that it was going to happen. Showed up just as it was goin
g down. Alex got knocked out, but I managed to get him out of there. The whole thing was a mess . . . a lot of people got hurt. Don’t know if anybody got killed.”
I nodded, digesting all of this. Mateo had rushed to the scene to help Alex, while I’d been partying and making out with Luke.
I felt sick inside.
“How did you know where he was?”
“I have friends on the street who keep me informed.”
“Like that guy I just saw?”
“Yeah, like that guy.” He bent his head and put his hands on his knees. He looked beyond exhausted. He looked wrecked.
On instinct, I put my arms around him, laying my head on his back. Tears were locked inside me. “Thank you.”
I squeezed him, and he reached up and grasped my hand. “Grace.” It came out like a sigh.
We stayed that way for a long time.
When we pulled apart, I said, “Go home and sleep. We’ll talk tomorrow.”
“I’ll give you a ride.”
I shook my head. “I’ll stay with him. I want to be here when he wakes up.”
He nodded. “Text me in the morning.”
“I will.”
We both stood. I gave him another hug. I wanted to wrap not just my arms, but my soul, around him. “Good night, Mateo.”
EXPOSED
I WOKE UP ON A fold-out chair with kinks all over and an aching heart. Around four a.m., a car crash victim had been wheeled into the room. I’d hardly slept since then. I kept picturing Alex getting hurt in the fight and Mateo swooping in to rescue him.
And me kissing Luke.
When Alex woke up, he saw me and rolled his eyes. “Do I get a lecture?” he grumbled.
“Do you need one?”
“No.”
“I’m pretty good at keeping my mouth shut these days, don’t you think?”
“Yeah. My head hurts.”
“You have a concussion.”
“Duh. I guess Mateo called you.”
I nodded.
“What did he tell you?”
Alex wanted to hear Mateo’s version before telling his.
“He didn’t tell me much—just that there was a fight and you got knocked out.”