to the silliest slapstick,
Or those who do nothing to ease
some factional split
And foster attitudes of peace
among all folk
But instead in hope of gain
add fuel to fire;
WOMEN’S LEADER: Or a minister who’s a traitor
to his hard-pressed city,
And is willing to sell out
a fortress or a navy;
MEN’S LEADER: Or a bloody tax collector
like Thorycion775
Who is busy cheating Customs
by shipping items
From Aegina, such as paddles and cars,
flax and tar,
To Epidaurus; or those who are
financing
The fleet of our enemies, or anyone
defecating
On the offerings to Hecate
during the
Dithyrambic songs and dances.
WOMEN’S LEADER: Or a politician who
chews off chunks
Of a poet’s profit just
because the poet
Debunks him in a comedy
during the holy
Dionysian rituals.
MEN’S LEADER: To these we shout,
proclaiming again and again and again,
yes, three times:
Keep away from the dance and songs
of our novices.
[turning to the CHORUS]
So we look to you to arouse
the revel and song
Of this festival that lasts
all night long.
STROPHE
MEN: Let everyone now proceed
Into the blossomy lap of the mead,
Joking away and pounding the ground
And gamboling
And making fun of everything
After a famous breakfasting.
ANTISTROPHE
WOMEN: Foot it featly and extoll
The goddess Athena all the while
With full-throated chanting, she’ll
Make doubly sure
Of protecting our land for ages more
Whatever Thorycion has in store.776
MEN’S LEADER: Now let us jubilate in a song of a different
manner
and celebrate the queen of the bounteous harvest, the goddess
Demeter.
STROPHE
MEN: Lady Demeter, queen of the wholesome
Rites of religion, stand beside us
And keep your choruses from harm
So we can frolic and dance regardless
Of what the day offers to come.
ANTISTROPHE
WOMEN: I hope you’ll prompt us with many a jest
And many a serving of serious stuff
So we can frolic and be at our best
Throughout the duration of this feast
And finish the festival with a wreath.777
MEN’S LEADER: Hold on a sec.
In your call to song, you’ve got to include the god of youth.
He’s our dancing mate and on our staff.
STROPHE
WOMEN: Illustrious Bacchus, musical genius
Of songs for the feast days, join our parade
As we march to the goddess.
And deign, we pray, to give us an inkling
Of how you cover the ground with such speed.778
Escort us, Bacchus, lover of dancers, on our way.
ANTISTROPHE
MEN: For you were the one who decreed while laughing
That my sandals be torn and my garb be worn779
And money be saved.
And so you arranged there’d be no fee
for us to go frisking when we go dancing
As you escort us, Bacchus, lover of dancers, on our way.
EPODE
MEN’S LEADER: A moment ago I caught a glimpse
Of a mademoiselle ready for fun.
Her dress was torn and through a chink
The bonniest tit gave me a wink.
Escort us, Bacchus, lover of dancers, on our way.
DIONYSUS: Dedicated pilgrim that I am
She’s the one I’d say
With whom I’d like to dance and play.
XANTHIAS: [gawking] I’m the same.
MEN: Say, how about us both
Getting that meathead sorted out,
Archedemus, who’s still waiting for his second teeth?780
WOMEN: He’s up there in the highest circles
Doing well among the brain-dead—
Bottoms up and first in the fraternity of rascals.781
MEN: Cleisthenes’ son is also said782
To be in the cemetery, scratching his arse,
Clawing away at his mouth.
WOMEN: In despair, all bent double,
Moaning and groaning and thwacking his noodle
All for some fucker-bating youth.
MEN: Hipponicus’ son—you know what!—
Callias, is fighting at sea
In a lionskin made of twat.
DIONYSUS: [cutting short the rhythmical repartee of the CHORUSES]
Could you tell us please where Pluto lives?
We’re strangers and have only just arrived here.
CHORUS: You haven’t far to go. In fact you’re there
and needn’t ask again.
DIONYSUS: [to XANTHIAS] Up with the baggage again, laddie.
XANTHIAS: [with a groan] The same old groove!
MEN: Onwards with you now into the blessed circle
of the goddess in her flowery grove,
where you’ll gambol and make whoopee
in the festival dear to heaven.
So let us go with the girls and the women,
flourishing the sacred flares for a night of revel.
STROPHE
WOMEN: Enter the rosy flowery meadows To frisk in our own peculiar way
And dance the beautiful dances
The blessed Fates themselves
Have arranged for us to dance.
Yes, dance and play.
ANTISTROPHE
MEN: For us is the sun, us alone,
For us the holy light of day.
For we are the sanctified ones
Because our lifestyle is fine
And we are always kind
To stranger and common man.
[They have now arrived outside the portals of PLUTO’s front door.]
DIONYSUS: How d’you suppose I am to knock? . . . Hmm . . . How do
they do it here?
XANTHIAS: Stop dithering. You’re supposed to be Heracles.
You should copy his fire as well as his attire.
DIONYSUS: [knocking with his cudgel] Hey, boy! Boy!
AEACUS:783 [from within] Who’s there?
DIONYSUS: The mighty Heracles.
AEACUS: [peering from the threshold] So it’s you,
you insolent piece of shit! Yes, shit, shittiest shit!
You beat up our dog, Cerberus,
and after nearly throttling him dragged him away with you.
That hound was in my care.
Now you’re well and truly in the soup.
The black-hearted rock of Styx confronts you.
The bleeding peaks of Acheron beetle above you.784
The greyhounds of Cocytus785 and the dreaded Echidna§
are ready to rip up your insides,
and the giant eel of Tartesia
will squeeze out your lungs. Besides,
the Theirasian Gorgons will chew your bleeding balls and your
guts as well.
I’m off split arse to bring them here
and give you hell.
[AEACUS hurries away as DIONYSUS faints.]
XANTHIAS: My, my, what d’you think you’re doing?
DIONYSUS: My butt runneth over. Let us pray.786
XANTHIAS: Get to your feet, you damn fool,
before anyone sees you.
DIO
NYSUS: But I feel faint. Do get me a sponge for my . . . my heart.
XANTHIAS: [leaves and returns with a sponge] Here, use it.
[He watches DIONYSUS wiping his bottom.]
Golden gods of Olympus! Is that where you keep your heart?
DIONYSUS: Can’t help it—it got a fright
and skedaddled down to my behind.
XANTHIAS: You’re the most abject coward, human or divine.
DIONYSUS: Me, a coward, just because I asked for a sponge?
I’m the bravest man alive, bar none.
XANTHIAS: What would someone else have done?
DIONYSUS: A coward would have lain sprawled in his stinking mess,
but I not only raised myself but sponged myself clean.
XANTHIAS: By Poseidon, how manly!
DIONYSUS: You can say that again! But weren’t you in a funk after that stream of threats and abuse?
XANTHIAS: It never entered my head, by Zeus!
DIONYSUS: In that case, since you’re such a manly man, be me and take this cudgel, oh, and the lionskin, too.
Since you’re so indomitable
I’ll be your errand boy—that’s you.
XANTHIAS: Fine, hand them over. That’s an order.
[He drops the bags, puts on the lionskin, and seizes the cudgel.]
Now take a hard look at Heracanthias
and see if he turns out to be a wimp like you.
DIONYSUS: [looking him over] Ha! The spitting image
of a whipped slave from Melite787. . . . Now let me pick up the
baggage.
[A MAID comes out of PLUTO’s palace.]
MAID: [addressing XANTHIAS] Heracles darling,
is it really you? Do come in.
As soon as the goddess heard that you were here,
she set to baking bread, bringing
two or three cauldrons of lentil soup to the simmer,
not to mention barbecuing an entire ox.
Rolls and cakes are in the oven,
so do come in.
XANTHIAS: No, but thanks.
MAID: Nonsense, I’m not going to stand by and let you disappear. . . . Chicken casserole is on the bill of fare, and there are toasted pasties and a lovely sweet wine, so come on in.
XANTHIAS: [nervous of being detected as a fraud] Thanks, but I’m doing fine.
MAID: Get along with you! I’m not letting you off so easily. Besides, the piper girl in there is stunningly pretty, and there are two or three dancing girls as well.
XANTHIAS: Dancing girls? Really?
MAID: Yes, perfect buds . . . ready for the cul,
so come on in. . . . The cook’s just taking the fish off the grill
and they’re setting up the tables.
XANTHIAS: Great! Tell those dancing girls I’m not just coming but coming right in.
[turning to DIONYSUS]
Boy, hoist those bags and bring them along.
DIONYSUS: Hold on a jiffy.
D’you mean to say you’re taking literally
our little game of dressing you up as Heracles?
Now look here, Xanthias, pick up our stuff
and stop acting daft.
XANTHIAS: Really? So all that jaw you gave me was just bluff?
DIONYSUS: Bluff, indeed? Just watch me. Take that lionskin off.
[He seizes the lionskin.]
XANTHIAS: Witnesses, do you see what he is doing? I appeal to the gods.
DIONYSUS: Gods, did you say? How theologically illiterate! And how presumptuous of you to imagine that you could be Alcmene’s son!788
XANTHIAS: [letting go of the lionskin and cudgel] Take the damn things. A day may come, God willing, when you’ll need a Heracles again.
STROPHE
CHORUSES: There’s something fine about a man Of resource and steady aim Who’s traveled far and voyaged the main But shifts to the present from where he has been. As he moves to the easier side of the ship
And is not clamped to the same strip
Like some dullard in a frame
But knows how to roll with the roll
As he moves to the side of greater ease.
That’s the mark of a clever soul:
Just like Theramenes.789
ANTISTROPHE
DIONYSUS: Wouldn’t it be a funny thing
If Xanthias, who’s only a slave,
Were caught in a twirl and wallowing
As he kissed a dancing girl
But had to break it off to pee?
I’d be there as voyeur, you see,
Twiddling my willie like a stave.
But when he sees a fellow lecher,
With his fists he lets go
Landing a punch full on my jaw
And knocking out my chorus row.
[A BISTROKEEPER with her MAID enters, shouting.]
BISTROKEEPER: Plathane! Plathane! Come at once. That ruffian’s here—
the one who came to my inn and downed sixteen loaves.
PLATHANE: [entering with her MAID and seeing XANTHIAS, still dressed as
HERACLES]
Great Zeus, it’s him!
XANTHIAS: Someone’s under fire.
BISTROKEEPER: But that’s not the only thing. The bum
put away twenty-five orders of stew.
XANTHIAS: Somebody’s in for it.
BISTROKEEPER: And garlic galore.
DIONYSUS: Balls, madam! You don’t know what you’re talking about, do you?
BISTROKEEPER: You didn’t think I’d recognize him, did you, Not in that Herculean topboot attire? And I haven’t totted up the fish course yet.
PLATHANE: Nor the fresh cheeses he gobbled up—you poor thing!—
even what they were wrapped in.
BISTROKEEPER: And when he was confronted with the bill
he looked daggers at me and let out a yell.
XANTHIAS: But that’s his character. He’s like that everywhere.
BISTROKEEPER: And he unsheathed his sword, like a madman.
PLATHANE: You poor, poor thing!
BISTROKEEPER: We were so frightened we bounded up to the attic,
and he ran off taking our mattresses with him.
XANTHIAS: That’s also in character.
BISTROKEEPER: But we ought to do something about this—
something emphatic.
[to her MAID] Go and fetch my patron here, Cleon.790
PLATHANE: [to her MAID] And you go and get mine,
Hyperbolus,791 if you can find him.
We’ve simply got to squash this bounder.
BISTROKEEPER: [to XANTHIAS] You dirty swine! I’d like to take a boulder and bash in those teeth of yours that gorged me out of house and home.
PLATHANE: I’d like to fling you into the hangman’s pit.
BISTROKEEPER: And I’d like to carve up your gizzard with a cleaver.
That would teach you to tuck in to my sausages. I’m all set
to find Cleon.
This very day he’ll issue this fellow with a writ
and wind the guts out of him.
[BISTROKEEPER and PLATHANE leave with their MAIDS.]
DIONYSUS: Boiling oil’s too good for me if I don’t love you, Xanthias.
XANTHIAS: I know what you’re thinking, I know,
so don’t go on—just don’t.
I won’t be Heracles again no matter what you say.
DIONYSUS: Xanthias, please don’t be that way.
XANTHIAS: Ha ha! “A mere mortal of course
and a slave simply can’t be Alcmene’s son.”
DIONYSUS: I know you’re cross with me, I know, and you have good
reason,
and even if you landed me a hefty blow I’d not object; and I swear
that if ever again
I try to deprive you of all that lionskin gear
I’m ready to suffer an excruciating death and total extinction
together with my wife, my kids, and dim-eyed Archedemus.792
XANTHIAS: All
right, I accept your oath
and you can put me back in harness.
STROPHE
MEN: Since you’ve taken on the job Of dressing up as Heracles As before, you mustn’t gibe At showing his martial spirit again. Don’t forget you are the god Whose camouflage you’ve taken on. You must display his fiery mien. But if you’re spotted dithering And coming across like a sod You’ll be loading up and carrying All that baggage once again.
ANTISTROPHE
XANTHIAS: Not a bad suggestion, men. The same had just occurred to me Just a little while ago. One thing’s for sure: that presently, For what it’s worth, he’ll have a go
At taking back my garb again.
Don’t you worry. I’ll have you know
I’ll display a warlike front
And in my eye a caustic glint.
That is what I’m aiming for. . . .
But there’s someone at the door.
[AEACUS with two SERVANTS comes blustering in.]
AEACUS: [making for XANTHIAS] Quick, get hold of that dog snatcher on the double and give him what for.
DIONYSUS: Here it comes!
XANTHIAS: [showing his fists as the two SERVANTS advance] Touch me if you dare and I’ll see you both in hell.
AEACUS: You want knuckle games? [He calls into the house.] Ditylas! Sceblyas! Pardocas!793 Get yourselves out here and fight this rascal.
[Three tough-looking ARCHER POLICEMEN appear and straitjacket XANTHIAS.]
DIONYSUS: Isn’t it scandalous the way this stinker
robs people and then beats them up?
AEACUS: Quite beyond the pale!
DIONYSUS: Shameful!
XANTHIAS: So help me heaven and I hope to die
if I’ve ever been here before or ever gone off