The urge within me gets stronger to help her and restore her beauty. It’s becoming an addiction of my own. The world is ugly enough, her old beauty is needed. Her soft, long breaths are lulling, and as gentle as I can, I nudge her shoulder until she stirs.
Her eyes flutter open and the few blissful moments everyone experiences each morning where they are not fully awake and forget where they are, she smiles and it blows me away. Her plump red lips stretching across her face transforms her and it’s hard to remember the mess she once was.
“I brought your breakfast,” I choke out.
She takes a sudden intake of breath and clambers off the bed. I stumble back when it becomes apparent I have scared her. I didn’t mean to scare her but I won’t apologise.
“You slept in but it’s time to eat, your dad’s instructions are to eat at the same time every day.”
Rolling her eyes she climbs back into bed and reaches for the tray of cereal and toast.
“Heaven forbid I should miss a meal because I finally found sleep,” she mutters.
I sit down on the chair in the corner of the room and watch her eat. She takes small bites at a time.
“If you could have just stopped, no withdrawing, no suffering, would you have wanted to?” I ask, genuinely wanting to hear her answer.
I know it’s the truth when she doesn’t hesitate to reply.
“Absolutely.”
So matter of fact, no molecule of a lie.
“Every time I prepared a hit I’d hate myself a little bit more. I was never strong enough to withstand the pain of coming down.”
“This is a good thing then, your dad forcing you to get clean. I mean, he doesn’t like locking you up in here, he’s only doing it to help you.”
The mention of her dad brings tears to her eyes and on compulsion, I find myself moving towards her and wrapping my arms around her. She is so small in my hold
“He hates me, he won’t look at me. He won’t even let me call him dad. He’s doing all this to help me and all I can do is act like a child. I’ve ruined everything,” she sobs.
“Stop trying to fight him then, let him help you,” I urge her.
“Who’s going to be helping me? The man you know as Pope is not my dad.”
It couldn’t be any clearer how this needs to go.
“The man I know and the man you know are two different people, the man you know isn’t exactly a lie because that who he needed to be for you. But the man I know is his true self and the sooner the two of you get to know each other, the better.”
She pulls back and looks up at me, her eyes red and puffy and her cheeks soaked with tears.
“The man you know is they type of guy my mother warned me away from,” she whispers.
“It seems like you haven’t listened to your mother in a long while, why start now? Plus, your mother brought you here, she can’t expect you not to get to know him.”
“What if I don’t like who he really is?”
Searching deep into her eyes, I see she wants to hear the truth but it’s a truth I can’t answer.
“It’s a chance you have to take to have him in your life.”
Letting go of her, I stand and place the tray back on her lap to stop her following. Pope wants her better then he has to deal with her with raw honesty.
The prospect locks up behind me and I walk to the other end of the hall to Pope’s room.
Banging on the door I don’t care if I am waking him up.
The door opens and he I find he wasn’t asleep at all.
“I said I would help and my advice to you is to talk to her, tell her who you really are. She doesn’t want that shit, she wants you.”
I leave him standing in his doorway mouth closed and silent, like usual.
It’s up to Pope now.
Pope
Fear is for the weak. I have come to learn there is nothing in this world you need to fear. People who fear are not strong, to make it anywhere in life you only go far if you face the world head on and that is how I have lived for most of my life. Deep down the only fear I allow to occasionally seep into my heart is the day I could no longer hide my true identity from her. The fear was of her rejecting me for who I truly am. This was so much easier when she was a kid and gullible to the point of being stupid. I could argue she was still stupid for getting on that shit in the first place but Ricky is right, this conversation has been a long time coming and she needs to know the real me, plus I am so fucking tired of pretending to be someone I’m not around her.
Relieving the prospect of his guard duty, I take over the responsibility of my own daughter.
She jumps to her feet and wipes her eyes when I swing open the door and fill the doorway.
“I’ve eaten my breakfast,” she tells me rapidly.
The empty plate is evidence of that and her needy voice to appease me tugs at me, I never thought I’d be in this position with her where I feel like I’m the gatekeeper and her the prisoner.
“Did you throw it up?” I grunt.
She shakes her head and goes to pick the tray up.
“Leave it, tell me how you’re feeling today.”
“A lot better, I got a few hours’ sleep last night too.”
“Do you still want to jack up?”
There’s no point in beating around the bush. I’ve always believed in getting straight to the point.
“I don’t want to but I don’t know if I wouldn’t if I was offered.”
At least she’s honest and there is no chance she’s getting her hands on that shit around here so we’re getting somewhere.
“Do you feel like getting out of here for a while?”
She’s shrugging into a hoodie and nodding her head before I finish asking the question.
“Follow me and stay close.”
The bar is thankfully empty as we pass through and her eyes roam everywhere, taking the place in through clear eyes this time.
Her step slows as we head outside and it takes me a minute to realise she is adjusting to the sunshine. Shielding her eyes, I hold her arm and lead her to the truck. Guilt passes through me at how long I have kept her locked up, but the difference in her since Sally brought her here reminds me it was for her own good. Every day is an improvement.
Rooting through Sparky’s glovebox I find a pair of Bonnie’s sunglasses and hand them over to Kyla.
“Where are we going?” she asks, content now the sun isn’t hurting her.
“Nowhere in particular. We’re going to take a drive while we talk.”
Turning onto the main road, I choose to take the scenic route towards town. I can’t see her eyes but I can tell she is soaking in her surroundings. A small release of breath from her sounds like freedom and now she can see this could be her future.
“Our childhoods were at different ends of the normality spectrums, I made sure they were and so did your mother. I left home when I was sixteen and never looked back. Your grandparents and I had different opinions on what counts as family and neither one of us could understand the other’s opinion. I spent years being angry and feeling lost with it didn’t help. I drank myself stupid night after night, sleeping where ever I could. I did what I had to do in order to survive and when I was approached to join the club, I didn’t hesitate.”
I remember the night so clearly. I was quickly heading to be drunk off my ass in a bar, drowning my sorrows about the world being unfair when Michael came strutting in. Like I told Kyla, I didn’t hesitate when he gave me the offer, he didn’t even tell me much. All I knew was that whatever he was offering was a whole load better than how I was living. Before I became a Lost Soul he was the only person I could trust. He never wanted anything from me but still liked my company even though I didn’t really speak. Years of trust in him is why it hurt so much when he betrayed us.
“Your mother was head strong and didn’t like the MC world. When I met her she was trying to end a relationship with a guy who she found out was an MC member, not from our MC
but our old rival. She never liked or felt comfortable around this world so when she found out she was pregnant with you, she was adamant you weren’t to be a part of it. She knew I couldn’t cope without the club but I also wasn’t going to walk away from you so we came up with the lie you’ve been living. She was happy for us to be apart most of the time, our long distance relationship worked for the both of us.”
“Why did she get with you if she didn’t like the club?”
I was expecting this question, I have been asking myself this for years.
Shrugging, I say, “I guess she saw something in me, I don’t know what but when I was with her, nothing bad could happen. I couldn’t fully commit in the way of setting up home together and nor could she, but we were fully committed to each other. There’s only two people I’ve trusted completely, your mother is one and the other is dead.”
“Who’s the other?”
“He’s dead now and part of me doesn’t want to tell how, to shield you like I have been doing. However, the only way we can move on from this and both be who want to be, we have to be honest with each other. No more secrets.”
Kyla swivels in her seat towards me, completely enthralled listening to the past.
“How did he die?”
I don’t hesitate like I thought I might and answer her, “I shot him straight between the eyes as he knelt in front of me.”
“Why?” she gasps.
“He broke my trust and everything we had built for over twenty years.”
“So you shot him,” she says, deadpan.
“Yes.”
Her eyes search everywhere but never land on me.
“I broke your trust,” she whispers.
A small smile plays around my mouth.
“My trust in you is different, you are my daughter. I never expected you to turn into a junkie but I expected you to fuck up. You haven’t broken my trust, Ky, cause you’ve yet to earn it. When you were growing up, I didn’t need to trust you, you were a child and it was our job to guide you down the right path.”
She takes it in and finally looks me in the eye.
“Do..Do you…” she stutters and stops.
“Do I what?”
She shakily inhales, nervous to ask me whatever is on her mind.
“Do you shoot people on a regular basis?”
Honesty is the best policy, or so I’ve heard.
“It depends, I haven’t killed anyone in a while now. Although, I want to kill your dealer and anyone who served up to you,” I admit.
“No,” she blurts, “You shouldn’t kill anyone because of me, this is my problem and I’ll fix it.”
“You’re wrong, it’s our problem now. The life your mom and I led you to believe existed is over. From now on you can be anyone you want to be, apart from a junkie, you can’t be a junkie and you can do anything you want. I will make anything you want possible, I swear that to you.”
For the first time in years I see the smile I used to see on her face bloom.
“I like the sound of that,” she beams.
Her whole demeanour lightens and takes me by surprise. I always thought she took after her mother, but her cool and calm reaction to my admissions shows me she’s more like me than Sally.
“Will you tell me how you and mom really met? Because I’m now thinking you two meeting at an art gallery is a load of bullshit,” she snorts.
I laugh with her, knowing more than she did it’s a fair assumption to make.
“I reckon I should start at the beginning.”
Pulling the truck over to the side of the road, I park under a tree to give us shade and turn the engine off.
“Michael, the guy I shot, he wasn’t happy with his brother’s way of handling certain situations. One night we rode into the city and waited late into the night outside our rival’s bar. One of them came stumbling out with his arm around some chick’s neck, keeping her close. Michael was off his bike and across the street before I could catch him up. Without a second to think it through he swung his gun up and shot the guy.”
“The woman was mom, right?”
I nod and try to hear it from her fresh ears, someone who doesn’t think my life is normal.
“Yeah, she freaked and ran off. I chased her down, I don’t know what she was thinking in her heels but as soon as I caught her and felt her cool, soft skin in my hand, I lost myself. For a fraction of a second and for the first time in my life I craved to be normal and feel that silky skin every day. Anyway, we took your mom back to the clubhouse and she was given two options. She could either stick around the club and be watched to make sure she didn’t talk about what she saw or Michael would help set her up somewhere far away. She was breaking up with the dead guy because she found out he was a biker, she wasn’t going to stick around. She opted to go far away, but on one condition. I was to go with her until she felt safe and that’s how we met.”
“What made you so special then?”
“I still don’t know that answer Ky, but whatever she found in me, I found someone who wanted to know everything about me but was patient to the point of saintliness to wait till I was ready to answer. The way she would look at me like she already knew me but wasn’t judging hooked me right in.”
If I close my eyes I can remember the look with perfect clarity. I was driving north as instructed by Michael. The heat was the hottest in history, the truck was old so there wasn’t any air con and the windows were wound all the way down. The breeze blowing around whipped her hair around her face and when she looked at me the smile she wore made me breathless. The feeling of being lost over a women was foreign to me. Instead of once fearing it like I did, I embraced it. There was something inside her that scared me and set me free at the same time.
“Your mom is strong, stronger than most men I know. For her to bring you to me knowing full well the life we gave you would shatter to nothing, it took everything in her to do it, because she couldn’t stand to watch you kill yourself.”
Kyla turns away and stares out of the window.
“We have kept a lot from you but that doesn’t mean we haven’t loved you, nor does it mean you can use this as an excuse to get high. You being here means quite the opposite actually, now everyone knows who you are the chances of you getting your hands on heroin are non-existent. Now you know us, every brother of mine will keep their eyes on you.”
When she turns back to me her eyes are watery and full of sadness.
“I don’t want to be that weak girl anymore,” she whispers, “I’m disgusted with myself like you wouldn’t believe.”
“Who do you want to be?” I ask.
“I don’t know yet, I want to stay here with you though.”
She looks almost as shocked at her words as I am.
A full blown smile spreads across my face. I never let myself imagine the possibility of her living with me permanently, up till now it was always a dead dream. I knew it would never become reality. Now it is and I don’t know what to say.
I suppose it’s a start, I’ve spilled enough blood and guts to her today and she seems unaffected. Definitely progress.
“One last thing,” she asks, I nod and she asks, “Why do they all call you Pope?”
I’m surprised she hasn’t asked this before now.
“The first time I killed someone, I didn’t break down at what I had done. It had to be that way and I got it over with, but it’s not to say I don’t think everyone should be sent to the other side without a few words of comfort. Taking an enemies life makes the world safer for you, but they’re still someone’s loved one. They call me Pope because when I take a life, I say a prayer as they take their last breath.”
Firing up the engine, the conversation mutually ends.
From now on, I’ll loosen my reign on her. If she’s serious about staying here then we have all the time to get to know each other. Next step, to tell Sally. Fuck knows how that’s going to go down.
Kyla
Everything is differe
nt. We were gone for a two hour drive and everything has changed. Hearing my father talk to me about killing people and listening to how comfortable he sounded telling me was enlightening, instead of being freaked out. The more I heard the more it explained my father.
I wouldn’t have thought he was a murderer necessarily, when he came to visit there was usually something off with him. He was always happy to see me and spend time with me, but now I know more about the real him, the more everything makes sense and I feel better being around the real him.
The bar is crammed with men and women when we get back but my father doesn’t stop when they try to talk to us.
Following him back to my room, I deflate after feeling like we were getting somewhere. A little part of me thought I might not have to come straight back to my prison.
He doesn’t come into the room, he stands in the doorway and now I can see, now I am learning about him and his ways. I can see he is stalling.
“What is it?” I ask, to help him out.
“There’s a party downstairs tonight, if you want you can come. You’ll stick by me the whole time till you come back up here.”
Wow, I wasn’t expecting him to offer that.
“Sure, I’d like that.”
It sure would be nice to be a part of the party rather than listening to it from up here.
“I’ll come back for you in thirty minutes, be showered and presentable.”
The reflection staring back at me causes me to stumble back onto the bed. It’s me but it’s the old me, well sort off. My roots have grown out but my hair isn’t limp, it’s got a shine to it again. There’s pink in my cheeks and my face is fuller. Fifteen days has transformed me, not completely but I can see the difference in myself.
Righting myself, I stand and move closer to the mirror again. Clean jeans and one of the camisoles that one of the wives gave me the other day match nice enough but I’ve never been a denim kind of girl. I preferred to wear dresses and skirts. Looking at my reflection now, I miss how I used to look. I want it back.