IV
THE SIEGE OF THE DRUG STORE
"Once upon a time, when I was scarcely married at all, you mightsay," began Mr. Scraggs, "I quit workin' for a livin' and started ascientific school."
"_You_ did?" cried Red, after one astonished second vanished in thepast.
"Yes, sir," replied Mr. Scraggs, "I did. _It_ was for theinvestigation and pursuit of this, here doctrine of chances. Theidee was to put a little box full of playin'-cards on the table,and draw them forth one at a time, to see just how they'd fall.Some of the students got that interested they bet on the results."
"Oh!" said Charley, "I took a course in that one winter myself.Did you always draw _one_ card at a time out'n that box, Zeke?"
"So help me, Bob! I did," returned Mr. Scraggs most earnestly."Hence I didn't get rich. It sometimes happened that a Wild Wolffrom Up the Creek would breeze in, full of rum, plumb foolishness,and money. Oh, man! High or low, red or black, odd or even,coppered or open, on the corner or let her rip, last turn and inthe middle, from soda-card to hock, them brier-whiskeredsons-of-guns would whipsaw my poor little bank till there wasn'tmuch left of her but sawdust. Yes, sir," mourned Mr. Scraggs, "Imade enough out of the early birds to eat, but them Roarin' Bearsfrom Bruindale uset sometimes to apply the flat of their hands tomy seat of learning till the sparks flew out of my eyes. In short,this sportin' life was too much up and down hill for me. No soonerwould I git ready to declare a dividend than one of my outsidecustomers would come in and take that dividend and wipe both feeton it, roll on it, stomp it, fly ten foot in the air and come downon it, bite chunks out of it, and then I'd light a match, gatherthe crumbs from the floor, and wisht I could git holt of somethingat once easy and reliable.
"Well, there was a friend of mine lived at the TranscontinentalHotel. The partition between his room and mine didn't come clearto the ceiling, so when I arrived home late I uset to heave a bootover on top of him and have a chin. He was a nice feller, Hadds.A pale, thin sort of man, very red-headed--that is to say, notred-headed like some parties I have known, but a sort of bashfulred, that would ha' been different if it could; and he wore eightlarge freckles on his face. There would have been more if therehad been more room. Hadds was then workin' for the railroadcompany, but not happy. He was in the dispatcher's office, and I'dhear him holler in his nightmares, 'There they go! Bang!Everybody killed! I always expected it!'
"You see, he lived in fear of running two excursion trainstogether. Nervous cuss--oh, awful! Not without reason, neither.Seems when he was at college he studied chemistry. Alwaysexperimentin'. Mixed two things that was born to live apart.Hadds left simooltaniously with that corner of the buildin'. Hedidn't stop till he reached the Transcontinental Hotel.
"Hadds worked at me to start a drug store with him. He'd savedsome out of his wages, and he knew I had a fluctuatin' roll. Hesays, 'You're goin' bust some day, young man--why don't you quitit? You come with me and we'll make a decent thing. It's mightylucky for the gang that they swill patent medicines instead oflettin' that Jones up the street give' em a quick finish over theprescription counter. That pill-wrangler couldn't tell thedifference between an auger-hole riffle-board and a porous plasterif there wasn't a label on the box. Jeeminnetticus!' says Hadds,'when he mixes coffin varnish for a man you'd think he wasscramblin' eggs. Come on, Washy,' he says, 'while you got theprice. You'd like the business.'
"One night it happened Bitter Water Simpson was borne on the wingsof evening to my place of business, and he calculated that the lasttwo cards in the box would come out, queen first, trey next. Hewas so sure he inquired about the theory of limits.
"'The limit,' says I, 'is the clothes and contents, body andimmortal soul of E. G. W. Scraggs. You slam your wad down and I'llcash it.'
"It had occurred to me there was no use foolin' longer. If Ibusted this gun-fighter I went into the drug business; if he bustedme I'd take a walk.
"He laid down one thousand dollars' worth of Government promises,and I took a long breath, drew forth, first trey, next queen,removed his money from the table with a light, sure touch, threwthe layout in the stove, blew out the lamp, remarked that the bankwas closed, and stood prepared to deal in chemicals instead ofplayin'-cards.
"Simpson was surprised. 'Ain't I goin' to get satisfaction?' sayshe.
"'If it's to be had on the prescription counter you do,' says I.'Otherwise, I prefer to stay satisfied myself.'
"It would have been better if he'd refrained from abusing me. Iwas younger then, and while not in the least quarrelsome, yet suchtalk as Simpson talked to me was entirely uncalled for. Besidesthat, he got festive with guns. I relieved him of his guns and sathim on the stove till he promised to behave. Nobody ever heard mekick when them fellers nailed me to the burnin' oak for anywhere'sup to five hundred a night. Howsomever, it wound up amiable; Istaked Simmy to a new pair of pants, and kept him in spendin' moneytill ridin' again appeared among the possibilities. I never couldget used to people pullin' guns on me.
"So, then, there was a drug store goin' in no time. Both me andHadds was happy as could be, and workin' like a pair of mules.When we had things fixed, and a sign 'Hadds & Scraggs' in goldletters four foot high, I felt I really was a prominent citizen.But dear friends and brothers, always there's somebody handy with afly to stick in your ointment. Once I went down street to see howthat sign looked a little ways off, and up rides a puncher.
"'Hadds & Scraggs!' says he: 'I wonder what kind of merchandisethem is? Well, I must take a Hadds and a Scraggs home to show theboys.'
"He knocked every bit of poetry out of that sign. Howsomever,poetry ain't the chief business of a drug store, and when you cometo the practical side we done mighty well. We got in a line ofpatent medicines with pretty red and blue labels that took thepopular taste. As there was a minin' boom over the hill, our lineof gold pans and gunpowder went well. A new seeder brought in somemoney, and with rubber boots, snowshoes, baseballs, carpenters'tools, spectacles, lumber, and an agency for a self-binder as sideissues, I see myself getting on in the world.
"'Tweren't long before nobody'd think of buyin' a faro layout or adeck of cards elsewhere than at our store, and as for perfumed soapand perfumery, why, I think our feller-citizens must have et theone and drunk the other, for we unloaded by the box and pailful.When we'd count the kitty nights, 'Didn't I tell you?' Hadds wouldholler. 'Put your feet in my tracks and you'll wear diamonds!'
"And I guess I would if it hadn't been for a lady. There's a womanin it, nine times out of ten, when a man's ruined; and the othertime there's a man in it. If neither one nor t'other's in it it'sa durned uninterestin' occurrence, anyhow. Yes, sir; we come underthe double-cross kindness of a female major.
"One night--Sufferin' Ichabod! but that was a night.'--we werejerried to a standstill in one half-hour, or thirty minutes, by theclock.
"Things was slack this evening nobody in the store but Hadds, KenoJim and me, throwin' poker dice for cigars, when the door opens andhere come Major Pumpey and his wife from the army post. We werenot glad to see the Major. He was a little, pussy, red-faced,pop-eyed man, pompous as a banty rooster, with black whiskers and amustache like a cat. He had a voice on him like barrels rolling ina brewery vault. It would surprise you quite a little to hear thatnumber ten voice come a-roarin' out of that number two man. TheMajor used to corral everything he wanted and say, 'Charge it!' twooctaves below a bull's beller, Bein' a military person, he was fondof charges; me and Hadds, bein' plain civilians, weren't. Wecharged it and we charged it, but that there Major's defenses wereimpregnerville. I had told Hadds that the next time Pumpey said'Charge it' I was goin' to take him at his word, then and there,and rush him along on his ear till I felt better. But, of course,now his wife was along I couldn't.
"She was just as different from the Major as anything could be: atall, pale, rangey woman, kind-hearted and good-natured as theymake 'em, but with a pair of nose-grabber specks, and a way ofletting her hands
flop at the wrist, whilest she talked in a highgobbley-gobble style, like singin' a tuneless tune. They made apair to draw to. The Lord only knows what you'd got if you filled.My! And the general effect of that lady! She wore her hair in anomelet, and looked as if she'd been put in her clothes by a boilerexplosion.
"There was another powerful difference between them two. The Majorhe gazed on the wine when it was any color at all. He didn't careso much for decoration as he did for quantity. He passed his timein bein' tee'd, tee-heed, or teeterin'. On the other hand, hislady couldn't stand plain raw water. Honest, friends and brothers!I ain't stringin'! I have it on the word of their striker thatMrs. Pumpey couldn't be induced to take a drink of water unless itwas boiled, and as for spirited liquors--Oh, murder! Don't mentionit!
"As the Major entered I observed upon his person a kind ofuprightness that no sober man ever had, varied with quick littlesteps sideways, for no good visible reason, and when he comes up tothe counter he grabs it with both hands and says, 'How do--gla'meecher--hot, ain't it?'
"I admitted it was hot, told him I was glad to meet him, too, andas this last wasn't no more than a plain lie I asked the lady quickwhat we could do for her.
"Perfumery was wanted, so I passed the bottles out. Mrs. Majorwould take a lady-like sniff and say, 'Dee-lee-shus! Ha-oow doeeyou lieek that, Ma-JAW?'
"And when de major laid his hands on the right one of the numerousbottles floatin' in the atmosphere about him he'd hold it a yardoff, give a snort like a buzz-saw striking a knot, and after aminute's silence roar, 'Ain't that nice, b-y-y-y GOSH!' and slamthe bottle down.
"It was tryin' on the nerves. First place, the way he come outwith that 'b-y-y-y Gosh!' hit you in the pit of the stomach likestandin' alongside a bass-drum, and it was only a question of timewhen he slammed one of them bottles through the show case. So Iflagged Hadds for help, and the two of us plied the lady withperfumery so fast that the Major couldn't get his oar in, at whichhe cut loose for himself, wanderin' around behind the counter,smellin' of every bottle on the shelves.
"It ain't everything in a drug store has as pleasant a greetin' foryour nose as perfumery, and once or twice, when I looked around, tokind of keep cases on him, I see the Major had struck a shock. Butat last he come across a sample that pleased him. I saw him swig agood lungful of it, and his mouth opened wide with delight.
"'Well, I guess you'll be amused for a while,' thinks I. So I paidno more attention.
"The next thing Hadds looks up. 'Here!' he yells; 'drop that!That's chloroform, you bull-head!'
"The call come too late--leastways, to work as intended. The Majordropped the bottle, but he also dropped himself, two shelves, andabout six dozen glass jars of everything you ever heard of. Powersof darkness! Flat on his back laid the hero of many charges,whilest over his manly form and face trickled cough mixture, Canadybalsam, liniment, sugar syrup, castor oil, and more sticky, oily,messy kinds of stuff than I'll ever tell you. The worst of it wasthat a bottle of carmine had landed last in the wreck and, bustin',flew over everything. As there wasn't a dry spot for a rod itlooked like the Major had done a turn of bleedin' at every veinsame as the young man we used to read about at school. In fact itwas much worse than that. It appeared to be the most awful tragedyany one man ever was concerned in.
"Before we got our wits about us poor Mrs. Pumpey see her Majorafloat on a gory sea, and without askin' for explanations she givea loud holler and fainted on our stock of fancy dishes.
"'Here's where we make a lot of money, I don't think,' screechesHadds--he was an excitable person, that Hadds. 'Come!' he hollers,'help me get 'em out of here! There's enough chloroform loose tosleep the bunch of us!'
"We lugged the Major and his wife to the back of the store. I madea piller for her out'n some rolls of wall-paper, but the Major hadto get along as best he could. There he lay, his little roundstummick stickin' in the air, breathin' like a wind-broken horse.
"Keno Jim and me looked after the lady whilest Hadds pranced aroundthe Major and cussed scientific cuss-words. Of course, Keno and medidn't know no more what to do than a photograft of the Wild Man ofBorneo when there was a fain tin' woman in the question. As Isaid, I hadn't been married enough to learn, and the present lineof Mrs. Scraggses was healthy, whatever other faults they mighthave. Hadds 'ud come over and tell us half of something, and thenrush back to the Major, tearin' his hair.
"'Blast it, Hadds!' says Keno, 'quit callin' the man names and letus know what to do for this woman.'
"'Give her a drink of whisky!' yells Hadds. 'Come here, Zeke, andsee what ails this beggar now!'
"If he hadn't called me off like that lots of things wouldn'thappened. 'Look at him!' says Hadds, and grinds his teeth. 'Fortydollars' worth of stuff smashed--charge it, of course. Prob'lyhe's goin' to die on our hands--'twould be just like his unmercifulnerve. Pass me that bottle of ammonia, Zeke.'
"Then Keno hollered for me. He'd pried the Majoress' mouth open,stuck a cork in to it keep it so, and then fed her the revivifier.She wasn't a handsome woman at the best, but with that cork in hermouth----!
"'I gave her to there of whisky,' says Keno, indicatin' about fourSwede fingers on a water tumbler. 'Do you think that'll bring herto ?'
"'Like a bear trap,' says I. 'Do you mean to say you sluiced thatmuch raw jump-and-holler into a woman that can't stand uncookedwater? Well, you are an allotropic modification of the genusjackass, like Hadds says of the Major.'
"Keno got purple in the face. He slammed the glass down and walkedout. 'Now you can look after your own women,' says he, bitter.Them scientific cuss-words cut him to the heart.
"I looked at the lady. The color was coming back to her face.Evidently she'd be around in a minute or two. Then Hadds fairlywhoops at me:
"'Come here! Come 'here! You're a nice pardner, you are, standin'there with your hands in your pockets!'
"'Well, what'll I do, Hadds?' says I.
"'Do? I don't care what you do, so long's you don't look soaggravatin' useless. D'yer think this specimen of an officer andgentleman appears to be--what in blazes is he doin' now?'
"'Don't abuse the poor cuss,' says I. 'He really couldn't helpit.' Then I had an inspiration. Several times in my life I'vebeen afflicted that way. 'See here,' says I, 'he took his dosethrough the nose. Why don't you give him the remedy the same way?Try a pinch of that Scotch snuff.'
"'Why, sure!' says Hadds. He'd tried anythin' at that stage of thegame.
"Well, dear friends and brothers, it ain't down in thefarmer-coop-here, nor no other agriculcheral reports, and I dunnoas you could bank on it in every case, but from what I see on thisoccasion, if you ever happen to have a friend or relative that'sover-indulged in choreform and can't seem to recall himself, waittill he takes a deep breath, and mix about an ounce of Scotch snuffin his air supply. It may work wonders.
"'Hoor-rash-o!' says the Major, comin' to a sittin' position.'Hoor-rash-o!' says he again, and then he went off like a pack offirecrackers. A sneeze wouldn't more'n get fairly started beforeanother'd explode in the middle of it. And the Major was aspowerful a sneezer as he was talker. Gee! them bass sneezes of hissounded like a freight-engine exhaust. Mind you, he didn't openhis eyes; just sat there, covered with carmine and soothin' syrup,rockin' backward and forrard and sneezin' like George Washington.There was somethin' kind of horrible about it. Me 'n' Hadds lookedon petrified.
"Then, 'Oh, my poor husband! What are they doin' to you?' says av'ice behind us, and the Majoress skipped across the floor and fellon the Major. That's the word for it; she let go all holts an'dropped, gatherin' him up in her arms.
"'What did you say, Willie?' she asks.
"'Hoor-rash-o!' says the Major. 'A-kissh-uuu! ha-ha-hrrrum-pah!A-ketcheer! Aketcher-hisssh-hoor-rash-o!'
"Now, Hadds, when he see the lady weepin' that way, was all brokeup. He didn't know about Keno's goblet full of whiskey, so hethought it was genuine emotion.
"'Don't cry, m
a'am,' says he. ''Twill be all right in a minute.That red's nothin' but carmine and simple syrup--it'll all come outin the wash, and sneezin's good for the man.'
"The Mayoress she rose and looked at Hadds. There was a glare inher eye more'n human. I read in a book once about the tremenjousdignity of the lady the trouble was all about. It didn't seemreasonable any female person could act that way till I see theMajoress. She had dignity enough for two maiden ladies at aniece's weddin' and a nigger head-waiter. The way she laid holt ofHadds' collar was impressive a great deal more than I'm able totell you. Poor Hadds was faded. He looked like a pup caught witha chicken in his mouth. They made a grand march to the generalgoods counter, the Majoress still resemblin' a foreign queen.Arrived there, she took up a hairbrush, and with a motion thegrandest I ever see in a human bein' she brought it down atop ofHadds' head. Whacko!--Christmas, what a crack.
"'_Now_, will you let my Willie alone?' says she.
"Hadds jumped up and down and rubbed his head.
"'What ails you?' says he, near cryin'.
"'Hadds!' I remonstrated to him, 'remember you're speakin' to alady.'
"'Lady!' yells Hadds. 'Lady! Look at the lump on my head!'
"It was at this unfortunate minute a young feller see fit to comeinto the store to buy some matches. He stopped a minute, as hetook a general view. There was the Major, apparently bleedin'profusely, yet not carin' a great deal, seemin' more concerned inrockin' bac'ard and forrard and sneezin'. His manner seemed tosay, 'So long as you don't interfere with the innocent pleasures ofa sneeze I don't care what breaks.' There was Hadds rubbin' hishead: there was me with my mouth open; and there was the Majoress,leanin' over the counter and smilin' a dark, mysterious smile.
"The customer didn't know what to do.
"'Well?' says the Majoress, sharp and businesslike.
"The young feller jumped.
"'I beg your pardon,' says he. 'I'd like a box of matches.'
"The Majoress shook her head.
"'People don't always get what they like in this world,' says she.
"'No,' says the young feller. 'No, ma'am.' And then come anawkward silence.
"The Majoress still shook her head.
"'This is a sad world,' she says.
"'Yes, ma'am,' says the young feller, edgin' for the door.
"'But you can have the matches,' says she.
"With that she hit him square between the eyes with a ten-cent box.The young feller drew himself up proud.
"'I don't come in here to get insulted,' says he.
"The Majoress resumed her mysterious smile.
"'Why not?' says she.
"The young feller opened his mouth twice, but nothin' to suit theoccasion seemed to occur to him. He wheeled and tried to walk offdignified, but the matches snappin' under his feet spoiled theeffect.
"'By-by!' says the Majoress; 'come again!'
"She grabbed a tray of mouth-organs and heaved it after him; theyscattered like a shrapnel shell. The young feller didn't wait toclose the door. We heard him gallopin' up the board walk like hewas needin' fresh air. We stood stock still for a matter of fiveseconds, I reckon; Hadds and me scart to move, and the Majoresswith her brow wrinkled in thought. All of a suddent, with no morewarnin' than a streak of lightnin', she burst out cryin'. 'Oh, oh,oh!' says she, 'how I have been deceived in men!' Then to relieveher feelin's she got to work with both hands.
"There was a genuine Sand-hill cloudburst of hair-brushes andcombs, porous plasters, tooth-powder, tooth-brushes, pomade, soap,Jew's-harps, playin'-cards and the old Boy knows what all. Itstruck me then what a waste of time it was for a citizen to getloaded and tear the linin' out of a saloon; the place where you canreally get the worth of your time and money is a drug store. Haddsand me made one desp'rate plunge for her through the terrific fireshe kept up. I don't suppose that lady could hit a barn with arock, unless she was inside of it, under ordinary conditions; butI'll bet she didn't miss one out of a possible ten that night. Shecaught me under the eye with a mouth-organ, on top of the head witha jar of tooth-powder, whilest smaller articles flew off'n me inall directions.
"Hadds took holt of her hands and talked implorin'.
"'Please, ma'am!' says he, 'please? Don't throw things around likethat! Remember they cost money! We can't sell tooth-brushes afteryou've strewed the floor with 'em! I ask you please! Please!'
"'Villain!' says she haughtily. 'How dast you put your evil handson me?'
"'Hadds,' says I, 'leggo the lady. We pass. Let us retire behindthe prescription counter and bear up like men. There's only onething on earth that E. G. W. Scraggs is willin' to admit has himtrimmed to a peak, and you see that same before you now. 'Twasever thus since childhood's hour, when my maiden Aunt Susan tookthe raisin' of me. Take any form thou wilt but this, and my firmnerve ain't goin' to tremble; but stacked again this form, my nerveis floppin' like a hotel wash in a hurricane.'
"So I slung Hadds over my shoulder and we went behind theprescription counter.
"I tried to distract his mind by tellin' him a funny story.However, the rip-split-smash outside kind of jumbled three yarnsinto one. Besides, Hadds was foamin' so it was all I could do tokeep him from goin' over and kickin' the Major, who still wasoblivious to surroundings, and enwrapped in the gentle art ofsneezin'. Then there come a fearful bump from outside. I knew bythat a showcase was no more.
"'Zeke!' yells Hadds, 'think of somethin' before that woman has usall in.'
"'Haddsy, old horse,' I says, 'we've only got one show. If we cancreate a diversion we win. My head's that rumpled, the only thingstrikes me is for us to go out there and play cat-fight. Holler,and meaowl, and spit, and screech, and jump around till she can'thelp but look at us. That's the way I uset to amuse the twins whenthey needed killin'; of course we'll look like a pair of fools----'
"'Yes!' hollers Hadds. 'What do we look like now? You get threeguesses!'
"'Come along!' says I.
"Well, dear friends and brothers, our hearts was in that diversion,let alone the stake we'd invested in the store. If you don't thinkone bald-headed E. G. W. Scraggs and one red-headed Tommy Hadds putup a high-grade article of cat-fight I don't know how I'm goin' toprove to the contrary; but it was so.
"Put up a high-grade article of cat-fight."]
"Why, we buck-jumped four foot in the air, sideways, edgeways andstraight pitch-and-teeter; we mi-auwed, and scratched, and tore androlled over, and kicked with our hind legs, and such yells wasnever heard in a human habitation before nor since.
"It worked. The Mayoress stopped and leaned over the counter.
"'Warm it up, Hadds!' I whispers. 'We got her lookin'!'
"So then we rollicked for a ramps. I see the Majoress smile; shep'inted her finger toward us.
"'S-sick 'em!' says she. 'Sick 'em, Towser!'
"It would have been all right; we was playin' on velvet, and couldhave led that woman out of the store as easy as anything if thatconcussed Major hadn't 'a' come to in the wrong place.
"I caught one glimpse of him holdin' tight with both hands to ashelf, with his eyes jumpin' out of his head and his face as whiteas flour.
"Of course no man would really believe that the spectacle of twogrown men playin' cat-fight in the ruins of a drug store, whilesthis own wife looked on and said 'Sick 'em!' was anything but anoptickle delusion, caused by reasons he was familiar with.
"'It's never come like this before!' hollers the Major, and then hegoes down backward for the final touch, carryin' away a kerosenelamp, and the same landin' in a barrel of varnish.
"Well, sir, what with the stuff that was loose around there and thevarnish, my coat tails was afire when I lugged the Major out towhere Hadds was industriously savin' the Mayoress' life.
"The two hose companies got out in good shape, but a mostunforchinit dispute over who was to claim first water on the fireled 'em to use axes and spanner wrenches and sections of hose oneach other whilst our drug store bu
rned green and purple and pink,neglected. Inside of ten minutes eight firemen was ready for thehospital; a good citizen took the Major and Majoress in for thenight, and all that was left of our promisin' business enterprisewas a small heap of wood ashes and a very bad smell.
"'Well,' says I, 'shake, Hadds; it's all over.'
"He grabbed my hand, weepin'.
"'No, it ain't, Scraggsy, Old Man Rocks,' says he. 'You stood byme noble, and I'll do the same by you.' He fumbled in his pocket.'I've saved a complete equipment from the wreck,' says he, and withthat he hauls out a couple of decks of cards and a box of pokerchips. 'All is lost save honor, Zeke," says he, 'but I reckon wecan raise a dollar or two on that.'
"I was so moved in my feelin's I could only shake his manly hand.
"When I could speak, says I, 'We'll rise like a couple of themFenian birds from the ashes, pard.'
"And hope springin' eternal once more in our chests, we took alittle drink at Jimmy's place and went to bed happy."