“No, he hasn’t done anything to me,” I say, before changing my mind. “Diamond, can I really trust you?”
I see the surprise on her face at my words. And also the grimace she gives, but I need someone to talk to about me and Hold.
“Well, honey, that is a loaded question. You can trust me to a certain point. Badger is afraid that you might know things that I don’t need to know about the club because of where you live and who you date. So, let me say that I am here if you need to talk about your love life. I promise that information will not go further than you and me.”
Yes, there are things I know that I shouldn’t have knowledge of, and I have learned to keep my mouth shut. When I asked Hold last week who the Russian men were who called on his cell phone, he went ballistic. He told me to never mention a Russian connection to the MC. Ever. To anyone.
“Does sex feel the same if you don’t love the person?” My face warms. I can’t believe I just asked that question out loud.
I see her trying not to laugh at me. My eyes close so I can hide my embarrassment.
“Ah, sugar. I am sorry. Look at me,” she says, grasping my shoulders in her small hands. “You don’t love Hold?”
I look into her kind eyes. “No.” I’m not even sure I love him as a friend anymore, but I don’t tell her that.
She looks shocked. “Hels, that boy worships the ground you walk on. He can’t take his eyes off of you. It’s like you’re the center of his world. Not to mention, Sage already has her grandchildren’s names picked out.” She lets go of my arms and steps back. Her eyes search mine. “Do you think you have to sleep with him?”
“Yes. Eventually,” I tell her.
“Because you live with Sage and Ward? Did they tell you that you don’t have a choice?” She whispers like the walls have ears.
“No,” I say, only partly lying.
“Are you a virgin?”
I nod my head yes.
Her mouth drops open. She reaches behind her to shut the door. “Do you want to sleep with him?”
“I don’t love him,” I say, answering her question.
“Honey, women fuck men every day that they don’t love. Most of the time it’s their own husband. It’s a tale as old as time. And, personally, love or not, I don’t see how you have resisted temptation this long. I would have jumped on that stallion and rode him a long time ago. Are you at least attracted to him?”
“I have eyes, Diamond. He’s cute. He’s really only kissed me, but my body wants more,” I say, nervous about my admission. “And my heart and head don’t feel the same way.” I don’t add, like it does when I get near Jake Carrity at school.
“Close your eyes and picture someone else, but for the love of all things holy, never, ever tell him that.” She walks up to me, hugging me quickly before pulling back. “This is a shit-storm waiting to happen. You are in for life and he’s never going to let anyone else have you.”
“I know,” I say, knowing the truth before she speaks it.
“No, you don’t. And to answer your first question, the best sex I ever had is where I fucked my brains out and it had nothing to do with love. If you don’t love him, then get what you can from it. Sex can be a substitute for the shitty situation you find yourself in, especially when he looks like a damn god,” she says laughing. She stops to glance at me. “You have any questions about the process?”
“Uh, no. I got that.” I quickly tell her. “Thanks, Diamond.”
“I wish there was another piece of advice I could give you, but there isn’t. It could get us both in trouble. You think you could come to care for him?”
“I guess I could,” I say, shrugging my shoulders.
“Let’s hope you do. Take your time and see where it goes. Okay, let’s get out of here.” She gives me a one-arm hug before turning to open the door to leave.
I walk behind her. When we reach the front, I see Hold talking to Badger. He glances up, as if sensing my presence, and smiles.
“Hey, babe,” he says, standing.
I watch him walk toward me, thinking about what Diamond just said. She got the looks part right. Hold is blessed beyond belief in that department. That’s why it’s so hard to hate him, not because of his handsomeness, but because I see the boy who I loved as a child.
Some days I think to myself, if I wouldn’t have witnessed the murder or him not helping me escape from the tattoo, could I have come to love him naturally in that way? I’ll never know because that chance was taken from me. I’ve tried to love him these past couple of months to no avail. What I haven’t tried is only feeling when we touch, instead of worrying about emotions.
“Hey,” I say as he reaches me. He leans down to kiss my mouth, but I turn at the last second. His lips softly catch the corner of mine as I awkwardly pull away.
“Diamond, you sure you don’t need me anymore tonight?” I give her one more chance to change her mind.
“No sweetie, I’m good,” she answers, getting ready for her next client.
I nod before walking over to grab my backpack to walk out with Hold. He leads me to his motorcycle, stopping before getting on.
He stares down at me. “What’s the deal, Hels?”
“What are you talking about?” I ask, slinging my backpack on. I place my thumbs under the straps and glance up at him.
“You wanna stay here? You don’t have to go with me.”
“I don’t know what you’re talking about.”
“It’s obvious. You look like you’re walking the plank when you leave with me every night,” he says, reaching for his helmet.
“It’s not that.” What do I say? I can see the pain in his eyes.
“What is it then?” He doesn’t look at me as he picks at his chin strap.
Think, Helen. “It’s just that we never go out like a regular couple. We have dinner at the house with Sage or attend stuff at the club. We’ve been to the movies a couple of times, but I was the one who asked you.”
“Is that it?” he says, looking down at me. A frown pulls at the corner of his mouth. “Things have been so different with us. You don’t talk to me anymore.” His eyes glance away from mine. “When I kiss you, you zone out.”
So he does notice.
“I have been trying to take things slow and build back what we used to have, but deeper. I know I hurt you. I know that I lost your trust. I didn’t want to rush this with you and lose you completely, but damn if it doesn’t feel like I did anyway.” He continues to avoid eye contact.
“Hold,” I say.
“Do you have any idea how much I love you, Hels?” Hold finally looks at me, his stark need visible. “I can’t breathe until I see your face every morning. I wonder what you’re doin’ while I’m at work. My mind focuses on nothin’ but you. I fuckin’ ache to touch you, but I make myself wait until you are ready. It’s like I’ve spent my life waitin’ for you: waitin’ for you to grow up, waitin’ for you to feel the same, and goddamn it, but I hate waitin’.” He gives a bitter laugh. “You stole my entire world and I’m not sure how to live in it anymore.”
If my heart beats any harder or faster in my chest, it will explode. His confession opens something inside of me, something I thought was closed off forever to him. I do love Hold and I hate to see him hurting. If I am forced to live in this world, I can take advantage of it so that I don’t feel as lonely.
I let go of the straps of my backpack and step closer to him. My eyes travel up the center of his throat, to the stubble of his beard, over his mouth until I reach his eyes. I place my hand directly against the black leather that covers his heart. My body slowly rises to the tips of my toes so that my mouth is level with his. I feel the hem of my short blue-jean skirt lift against my bare thighs.
“Kiss me,” I whisper, initiating the action for the first time.
His eyes search for answers only seconds before his mouth devours mine. The touch of our lips is different. I can tell he loves that I am the one wanting this. My eyes close
. I will my mind to stop and allow myself to only feel. My hands grip at his cut as his tongue and mine go to war with each other. My breasts tingle and my privates clench, needing something I have never experienced. I can’t help the high-pitch moan that escapes me.
He is the first to pull back, our bodies both trembling. I should be scared… anything but curious and excited.
“I don’t want to go home,” I say, knowing exactly what I am asking for.
His lips brush mine. Once. Twice. His eyes glaze over. He steps back and gracefully mounts his motorcycle, before helping me to sit behind him.
I reach for my helmet as he slides his on. Within minutes, my arms are securely wrapped around his waist and we are on our way. The motorcycle vibrates between my legs, heightening this weird throbbing sensation there, and the wind whipping against my skin sends currents of burning need to parts of me I didn’t realize existed. I cradle his body with my naked thighs, gripping him tightly around every curve and bend. My chest rubs achingly against his back.
He drives fast—faster than the speed limit allows. Does he fear my decision? Or does he sense what is happening inside of me right now? Thank God he can’t read my thoughts. A shiver travels my entire frame just thinking about doing the things I have read about in Sage’s wicked romance novels.
When he stops at the gate in front of the garage, my heart stutters for a second, interrupting the pleasure I am experiencing for the first time. I’ve been here several times since that night and it always triggers unwanted memories. I close my eyes and force back everything, except what I am feeling. What I want for me.
He drives us straight to the front door, parking the motorcycle literally in front of it. I slip off the seat behind him, my hand shaking as I try to undo the strap of my helmet. We stand gazing at each other. My breath quickens as the tension climbs higher by the second, before he grabs my hand to lead me inside.
I avoid seeing the other guys who loiter around the clubhouse, keeping my eyes downcast. They say their hellos to Hold. At first we walk, but then his pace hurries us up the stairs to end in his bedroom. He slams the door shut, turning to stare at me. The look in his eyes scares and excites me. The flush of color in his cheeks must match the heat rising in mine. I am in unfamiliar territory.
The ticking of a clock somewhere in the room clicks away the last seconds of my virginity. I’m in too deep to stop this now. He licks his pale pink lips, hungrily staring at my body. I lower my eyes, taking a step back to slide my backpack off. Do I have the guts to go through with this?
“Don’t be scared,” he whispers, brushing a strand of hair away from my face. “You want this, right?”
I nod, still looking down at the stained carpet below me.
“Look at me, Hels.”
My eyes lift to his blue orbs. Deep inside, unknown feelings churn. More than half of me wants to experience sex and a small part screams that this is Hold. This is my decision, even if my life is seeming to dictate it as a foregone conclusion for Hold and me. If I am going to go through with this, with sex, at least it is with Hold. I know how much he loves me and I guess that’s more than some girls get for their first time.
I attack his mouth with mine, clearing my mind of everything but how this feels inside of me and it works like a charm. I kiss him like tomorrow doesn’t matter as my body presses intimately into his. I have no clue what I am doing, but he obviously enjoys it. We don’t close our eyes as our lips taste each other. His gaze burns into mine, his breathing erratic, and his body literally hums. I feel it beneath my fingertips as they caress his neck.
The intense pleasure building inside of me incinerates any doubts left about what we are doing. My skin feels electric, sizzling every strand of my hair. His hands roam freely over my body. They trail down my back, grasping the cheeks of my butt, hard. I gasp, surprised that his tight grip feels strangely… hot. He drags my aching body against him, both of our moans clashing into the silence. I can’t get enough of his kiss. It’s like the next one is better than the first. Why haven’t I allowed myself to only feel before now? It’s amazing. It’s everything.
I lace my fingers behind his head, needing more of his mouth. He seems to want the same, his tongue licking the inside of mine. He lifts me upwards and my thighs open to him. My short skirt rides completely up. I wrap my trembling legs around his waist, scissoring them behind him. He licks my lips, before trailing hot, wet kisses across my throat.
“Hels,” he cries, his teeth biting down on my shoulder. “I didn’t think I’d be able to wait much longer for you. You’re my everything.” His warm breath washes over my skin.
There is something strange happening to me: it’s like a tiny fire is sparking inside. It flames with every touch, every kiss. When he slips his hand under my t-shirt to touch the lace covering my breasts, my nipples painfully harden. Is this normal? I swallow hard as this inferno burns higher. Nothing can stop it. I see it mirrored in his eyes, raging uncontrollably inside of him. When he rocks his groin into mine, it threatens to undo us.
“Ahh,” I yell, throwing my head back. This experience is more than I imagined. I’m not sure what comes next and I am not afraid. I just want to hurry toward it. His mouth sucks at the frantic pulse in my neck. I shiver at the feel of his tongue licking its way up to whisper in my ear.
“I fuckin’ need you. I can’t wait,” he says, moving his face so that I witness the longing in his eyes. “I’m sorry, Hels. I tried. You are the only thing I have ever wanted.”
I whimper, wanting him, too.
He takes a couple of steps before we are tumbling down on his bed. My leg is pinched beneath his, but I don’t feel the pain. The need is too great. He moves, shifting us.
“Unbutton my jeans,” his raspy voice begs.
My hands shake as I try to do as he asks. It takes several tries until I am successful. He pushes them down, along with his boxers. I watch as he leans awkwardly over me to remove his shirt, leaving him completely nude above me. A tingle of unease shivers down my spine and I feel overly warm.
His hands reach for my shirt, and my arms rise above me so that he strips it over my head. I shut my eyes tightly, not wanting to see what is happening.
“You are so beautiful,” he whispers, clumsily removing my bra.
For several seconds, he doesn’t move. The sound of his heaving breaths above me spikes my curiosity so I open my eyes to find him staring at my bare breasts. Then lowering his head, he slowly kisses the tip of one. I cry out as my abdomen painfully clenches. The sound of his groan only intensifies whatever is happening inside of me.
His body covers the length of mine, taking back control of my lips. My hands slide around his back, my nails trailing downwards. I can’t help it. Something inside of me urges me to dig them into his skin and mark him.
“More,” I say, not knowing what I am asking for. My body writhes wildly underneath his, begging for what only he can give me. I whimper when he moves away, feeling the loss deeply. My eyes keep shut, not wanting to spoil what I am experiencing.
Hold’s hand moves between us. It softly tickles my flat abdomen, enticing a nervous giggle. As his fingers drift downward, they brush my highly sensitive skin, setting off smaller fires. One finger slides from the top of my mound, to my center. He touches me through the thin cotton of my panties that he hasn’t removed. Oh, God! That feels too incredible for words. I let these new emotions increase until I am almost bursting from them.
“You are mine,” he simply states.
I feel him push the crotch of my panties to the side so that he can touch me. He has to notice the wetness that gathers there. His fingertip gently enters inside, and I can’t help it when my body grinds down on him, inserting it further in. At first he goes slow, giving me time to get used to him. I know the instant he adds another finger, stretching me. A touch of discomfort flashes through me for a second, before the pleasure returns twofold.
His constant motion starts something within, building higher unt
il it breaks through. Everything inside of me releases and I cry out. My body quivers from the aftermath and I continue to rock against his hand already wanting more.
“Shit! One second,” he says.
I groan, but I don’t open my eyes. The sound of paper tearing alerts me to him grabbing a condom. Within seconds, I feel his body sliding to cover my sensitive skin. His full weight on top doesn’t smother, but consumes.
“Hels, look at me,” he says, interrupting the pleasure I am experiencing for the first time ever.
My eyes open to his, the burning love very apparent for me to see in them. I long to shut mine again, not wanting anything to interfere with what is happening to me. The thought of acknowledging who is giving me this immense satisfaction may ruin everything. He expects too much from me.
I lean up to capture his mouth with mine. He moves over me, his hand pushing my panties and skirt down toward my ankles. His groin grinds against mine, and once more these flammable emotions set me on fire. I can feel him between my thighs, seeking entrance and all the sensations that burst free seconds ago, come rushing back.
At first, he pushes slowly into me before driving himself deep. A streak of pain halts my breath, paralyzing my pleasure. Hold groans above me before letting several curse words fly. My vagina feels full with him entirely too big inside. He doesn’t move as his body shakes so badly that I am afraid he might be having some type of seizure.
“Are you okay,” I barely breathe out, this pain unlike any other I have ever experienced.
“No. Not yet,” he says, panting.
His lips touch mine as his eyes try to convey more than I want. I shut mine tightly, keeping him out emotionally. He doesn’t move, letting our bodies adjust to one another. The touch of his hands caressing my arms should be sensual instead of loving. His invasion doesn’t hurt the inside of me like it did before. I can feel my body clenching down on him, testing my limits.
“Stop,” he yells, shaking harder. “Don’t do that, Hels. You’re killing me.”
I lift my body to slide back, then toward him. His length brushes against my inner walls and we both groan. The fire ignites once again.