Mikey spent the entire afternoon detailing Hold’s night of debauchery upon his return home. In fact, he says there is a certain brunette who’s been warming Hold’s bed every night since he got out. When I finally had enough of his gossip, I went up to my room to shut him out. I have faced a lot of hard truths since talking to Diamond days ago. Once again, I have to decide if I will try to accept this life or escape it.
I have money now, enough saved in my bank account for at least a year of running. But then a piece of me warns that when they come to drag me back, I will face a hell like I have never imagined, if not death. So now, not only am I scared to stay in this life, I am now terrified to run. My one thought since Hold has gotten out—what if he finds someone else?
What happens if he decides he doesn’t want me anymore? It has to be an almost automatic death sentence. The only other option would be to black out my tattoo, which I know Badger has done to a few who have angered Ward, and pass me around as the club whore. Wow… my future is brighter than I even thought.
For a seventeen-year-old girl with little life experience, I am honestly lost as to what to do. I live in a prison with two people who’d rather see me dead, except they don’t do it because of their son. As far as they know, he will never get over it should something happen to me. If I move in with Hold, I can have a chance… a chance at freedom.
I quietly crack open my bedroom door, listening to Mikey and Sage laugh over something downstairs. Now is my chance. I cross over to Hold’s bedroom. In the years since he has moved out, Sage has left it the same. My hands shake as I slide the window open. I peek my head out to look down the trellis that leads to the ground. I can’t believe I used to climb this willy-nilly when I was a child.
In only minutes, I make it to the ground, dropping the last couple of feet. I stand still, listening for sounds that they know I have escaped. When I don’t hear any, I take off running toward my car. I hope that the keys are in the ignition. Thank goodness Mikey is an idiot who loses keys regularly so he just leaves them in the car when we’re at home. I want to cry when I see them there.
It takes me only seconds to start the car and drive away. I have no clue if they heard me leave or not. I don’t slow down to look. When I hit the main road, I shift to high gear and speed like a demon. For one second, I think to myself, stop by the bank and get the hell out of here. But even as the thought passes, I realize how childish it really is. Escape to where?
My foot never eases off the gas pedal until I turn onto the road to the clubhouse. The gates are open because it’s during business hours. I gear myself up for the possibility that Ward or Sandman may be alerted to my absence and waiting at the door for me. My breath quickens the closer the car gets.
The front door is barren of all souls, thank God, as I pull up to the front. I let the car die, jumping out to run inside. Several of the guys look at me weirdly as I pass by them, headed up to Hold’s room. My only hope is that he is in there. I climb the steps two at a time.
When I reach to turn his doorknob, it is locked. Panic overwhelms me, filling me with a sick desperation that threatens to swallow me whole. I bang my fist loudly against the door.
“Hold, open up!” I scream. “Holden, please,” I yell, scared now that I hear loud voices coming from downstairs.
“What the hell?” he says, opening the door with only a towel wrapped around his waist.
I don’t hesitate, falling directly into his arms. My arms wind around his neck. I bury my face against his naked chest. He smells like home. I can tell he has lost a little weight, but he is still my Hold. I sob as he holds me.
“There is my little queen,” the voice behind me says. “Why don’t I take her downstairs for you, Hold? I think you have your hands full as it is. We don’t want to upset the future Missus,” Sandman says, moving to stand next to us.
The feel of Sandman’s arms grasping me from behind prompts a whimper of fear from me. I latch on tighter to Hold.
“Please let me stay with you. Please,” I cry, raising my lips to whisper in his ear. The feel of his arms loosening around me, relinquishing me to Sandman, frightens me. “I need you, Hold.” I place my lips against his and the physical attraction between us once again ignites. He reaches to pull me back to him, deepening the kiss. I pour everything that he has ever wanted from me into that kiss, including my heart and sanity.
His lips hungrily devour mine and return every single stroke. Every nip. Every lick. I give as much as I receive and this is nothing like I have ever experienced. This kiss is almost sinful in nature. Too sensual to be sharing in front of anyone, but I don’t back away. I am too scared of the repercussions.
Hold places his hands on my butt, lifting me, and I don’t hesitate to wrap my legs around him. He shoves me against the door, not slowing down the onslaught of my mouth. In the back of my mind I know Sandman is watching, waiting for his chance to take me away from him, and I refuse to give him the chance.
I rock my hips against him, grinding against his groin, enticing a pleasurable grunt from Hold. Everything is on the line with this kiss: death or escape. I can’t hold anything back now. The only way to convince everyone is to turn my body on and my mind off, which I do. I whimper as I let these sexual feelings bombard me. His hand manages to force its way between us, undoing my jeans. I feel him try to tug them down, while never removing his mouth from mine.
“Hold, man. You have a fuckin’ audience,” Mikey says, somewhere behind us. “I don’t think you want to tap that ass in the hallway.”
Hold tries to move his mouth from me, but I chase it, not wanting to face the consequences of my actions. My kiss pulls him back to me, forgetting everyone around us. His hand hits the door beside my head. I jump, but never release his lips.
“Son, put Helen down. Now,” Ward says.
Hold moves his head back from me, his blue eyes staring into mine.
“I need you. I need you,” I cry. My body trembles from the sheer terror of what is happening.
He shifts his head to look at Ward. “Go away.”
“Son, you have one bitch already in your bed. We’re just trying to help you out.”
Hold turns his head to look back inside of his room. My eyes follow his to see the brunette sitting in the middle of his bed, covered by only a sheet. Nothing in me cares that she has been there, but from this point forward he is mine.
“Get the fuck out of his bed,” I say, looking at her.
His chuckle tickles my ear. “You heard my woman,” he says.
She rushes out of his bed, wrapping the sheet around her, running by us out of the room. I glance up to look at Hold. His smile indicates I can release the sigh that is pent up inside of me. This could have ended badly. I give him a quick kiss in appreciation, to let him know I am thankful.
We both turn to look at the hallway filled with Hell’s Highwaymen, including Ward, Sandman, and Mikey.
“You guys here to watch?” Hold sarcastically asks them.
“Hold, I think we need to have a meeting. Now,” Ward says.
Ward does not want me alone with Hold. Why is that? My mind races with this question over and over.
“You go have a meeting without me,” he says, turning with me in his arms and walking into the room. He kisses me as he kicks the door closed with his foot.
“Put me down so you can lock the door,” I say.
“Hell, no. Not happening. Keep your long legs locked around my waist,” he says, leaning over to switch the lock on the door with me still in his arms.
I happen to look down to see that the towel has long since fallen away and I am wrapped around his nude body. He traps me against the wall, his hard muscle frame holding me prisoner. This time when our mouths meet it’s not as frantic. It is slower. He takes the time to savor me. I can tell the difference. He is the first to pull back minutes later.
“You want to tell me what all that shit was about? You got Ward and Sandman on your ass. What have you done, Hels?”
r /> “You don’t know? They didn’t tell you?” Oh. I know now. Hold doesn’t have a clue that I am being held prisoner. Mikey’s words from that night ring in my ear. He said that Hold would never forgive Ward for hitting me. I am about to see if those words are true. I have everything to lose and nothing to gain by keeping quiet.
“Shit,” he says, letting me go so that my feet land on the floor. He walks over to the table to grab a cigarette and lighter. He lights one up, throwing the lighter back down. “Tell me what the hell is going on.”
“Do you know they killed Jake?”
His eyes go round in surprise. He coughs when he inhales instead of exhales.
“The kid we beat the shit out of? The jock that was messing with you? When?”
“Last October. And before you ask, he was trying to talk to me, but Hold, I never gave him any idea that I wanted to be with him. In fact, I always told him no. This one night he comes into Hard Ink and causes a scene and you can imagine how well that went over. The next thing I know, he’s dead. I was upset at Sandman and Ward. I said something to Ward and he…” I say, stopping. I’m not sure I should finish this sentence. It changes everything.
“He what, Hels?” He moves to stand in front of me.
“He… He hit me,” I whisper.
“He hit you?” Hold walks over to put his smoke out in the ashtray on the table. When he turns, I see the murderous look on his face. “You are telling me that he fuckin’ hit you?” Grabbing some jeans off the back of the chair, he slides them on.
I watch him stop to rub both of his hands over his shaved head.
“Who else saw it?”
“Everyone.”
“Everyone fuckin’ watched him hit you? You are sitting here telling me that Mikey, who was supposed to be taking care of you while I was locked up, watched you get hit by Ward?” He turns to grab his cell phone.
I nod, watching him get angrier by the second.
“Get up here. NOW!” He yells into the phone.
Within seconds, Mikey is knocking on the door. Hold walks over to let him in and everything happens so fast. He pulls Mikey in, shutting the door behind him, then pins him to the wall in a chokehold.
“What the fuck happened to my girl?”
Mikey glares over at me, but proceeds to tell Hold in detail how everything went down. He doesn’t skip over Ward hitting me like I thought he would. The idiot even goes into detail how he heard Sandman roughed me up, which I’d planned on taking to my deathbed. He tells him how he has been my jailer for the past several months.
“Did you tell Ward that you didn’t want to see me when I got out of jail?” He looks over at me, broken.
“No! I wanted to see you. Mikey said you didn’t want to see me and that you had a brunette taking care of you.”
Hold punches Mikey in the nose, blood spurting everywhere.
“Goddamn it, Hold,” Mikey yells, holding his hands to his face to catch all the running red liquid. “Ward told me to.”
Hold moves away from Mikey to stumble over to sit on the bed. I watch him bow his head, placing his hands over his face.
“Man, she isn’t worth all this shit,” Mikey says, still trying to obstruct the bleeding.
“She is worth more than any of you,” he says, lifting his head to look at Mikey. “I shoulda picked her over the club years ago. Get the fuck out of my room and don’t you dare open your mouth to anyone, especially Ward. You got me?”
Mikey nods. He leaves us staring at each other.
“Hels, I am so sorry,” he says, his voice breaking.
I move to sit down next to him, reaching to pull him into my arms. He lets me, folding himself into my chest. My hands gently rub his back as he buries his face in the crook of my neck.
“I try to do everything right, but it comes out wrong. I tried to save Jake, Hold. He didn’t deserve to die. Jake was just a kid. He had his whole life in front of him. I tried to warn him away, but he thought my fear was a joke. I’ll always endanger someone in this life. How am I supposed to live like this? I wasn’t made to endure it because it’s killing me on the inside. Sage is so strong. She handles everything like it’s nothing. I’m not built for this. You know it.”
He raises his red eyes up to meet mine. “How’m I supposed to keep you in this prison, when I know what that feels like, Hels? I can’t fuckin’ do it.”
“Let’s go. You and I,” I beg him. I wait for him to give me his standard, I can’t. It is what I am used to, but I still wait.
“Hels, can you just lie here and sleep with me for a while? Like when we were kids? I haven’t slept good in about a year. Even since I got out, it doesn’t come easy. Can you do that for me?”
I want to argue with him; I want to scream at the top of my lungs. But I don’t. He sounds so completely crushed. It kills me to see Hold like this. I do love him. I will always love him. With a nod, I give him what he wants.
He scoots all the way back in the bed, and I crawl up, following him. We lie side by side, staring at the ceiling. I realize that nothing matters at this moment but him. I turn to cuddle into him, wrapping him with my arms, snuggling deeper next to him. Hours pass. I don’t think either one of us closes our eyes, but it feels good to be with him. I am hoping he feels the same way.
Eventually, we fall asleep. I wake much later to find him gone from the room. I am not sure what I should do. If I leave the room, I could be in danger, but if I stay, I’m likely in danger also. Not much of a choice. It’s dark inside the room, so I lean over to turn the lamp on.
Hours pass, but still no Hold. When the clock ticks past midnight, I become frightened. Where is he? Ward wouldn’t hurt Hold—he’s his son. Still, I wouldn’t put anything past the club, especially past Ward. I war with myself over what to do for another hour, finally deciding that Hold’s safety is paramount to my own.
I open the door to find him standing there, with a brown bag in his hand.
“Please tell me you weren’t going to stupidly leave my room,” he says.
“I was worried about you. I couldn’t leave you to wherever you were.”
He shakes his head, pushing me back as he comes in. I watch him throw the bag on the bed. He walks into the small bathroom and closes the door. Minutes later he comes out.
“Sit down. We need to talk,” he says, nodding to the chair that I am standing beside. “Let me carefully explain to you the situation I find you in.” He sits down next to me. “You have not only pissed off our leader, but also the most deadly man I know. I hope you know that Sandman is another name for the Grim Reaper.”
“I know exactly who and what he is, Hold. I am not as innocent of the club as I once was,” I say.
“Well, if you’re not innocent then you are just fuckin’ stupid. Is that what you are, Hels? You sit here and calmly say shit like that, it pisses me off,” he says, standing to walk in place. “You actually said to Ward that someone was goin’ to burn him, but it wouldn’t be you who’d do it? Now he thinks you’re goin’ to run to the Feds or somethin’.”
“No! I have never even considered that. I only meant that if he kept killing off people, he was only going to mess with the wrong one,” I say, standing to defend myself.
“Just so you know, you never say cryptic messages to a gang leader. That shit will get you killed faster than anything. It blows my mind that you’ve been raised in the lifestyle, but yet you act like you don’t know how to exist in it. You let your words and actions ruin you. What the hell are you doin’, Hels? Do you want them to kill you?”
“I’m tired. I can’t live like this for much longer. If it’s an escape… then yes, I want it,” I say, letting a cry out at the very end.
“I can’t be the escape you’re lookin’ for. I never could,” he says quietly.
Somewhere inside of me, I already knew this. I think that is the reason that his words don’t devastate me like I thought they would.
“I know, Hold,” I say sadly, knowing it’s the truth. r />
“If you had the chance to run, there are rules that you need to abide by. Are you listenin’, Hels? Because I will only say this once.”
What? What is he saying? My heart feels like it will beat out of my chest. I nod, and he nods back at me.
“First, you can’t practice tattooing anywhere. You gotta let that go, babe. The first thing Ward is goin’ to do is search every hole-in-the-wall tattoo shop, if it takes him twenty years to do it. Second, you have to keep moving. Never stay in one place longer than necessary. He will put out feelers to all the clubs, putting a bounty on your head. Third, if you ever do escape and Ward finds you, he’s gonna do one of two things: either kill you immediately, or humiliate you in front of the club and then kill you,” he says, pausing to look down. When he looks up, he charges toward me, backing me against the wall hard. “If you ever do escape, you have to make me two promises, and I need to know without a shadow of a doubt that you mean them.”
I nod, his words exciting and scaring me at the same time.
“You will never, ever speak of what you know of the club. As someone who loves you and you damn well know it, you owe me this,” he says, trapping me inside of his arms. “And when we find you and you are brought back, you are mine. If I can even save you from Ward. There will be no more running, no trying to escape. You will have had your chance and the rest of your life will be devoted to only me… the way I always wanted you to be. If you get away, it will be the only time I will let you. I won’t survive it again. I love you, Hels. It’s only you for me in this lifetime.”
He kisses me softly, the touch of his lips so tender. His heart calls to mine in a way it never has, and for one second, I think I can give him what he needs—all of me. But the moment passes without my speaking up. No time for lies between us anymore. He pulls back, waiting for my answer.
“I promise. I never would talk, Hold. I have always kept my mouth shut. And you know I would never betray you,” I say, glancing into his eyes.