His blood ran cold, his breath a solid weight inside him seeping out in a rush. Dazed, he released her hair and staggered back.
Her head drooped between her shoulders as she sagged, her back and shoulders lifting as she breathed jaggedly. Her regard peeked over her arm, those vulnerable eyes staring into him, through him, deep into his soul. There was nowhere to hide.
Her ass bore his handprint. She was easily the most stunning creature he’d ever seen. He wasn’t supposed to care, that was number one. But bigger than that, he was supposed to protect her—even when it came to protecting her from himself. He wasn’t supposed to expose his personal demons to her. This wasn’t personal. It was business.
She had to leave. They’d discerned enough about her. She wasn’t right for him and he didn’t need the confusion. “We need to stop,” he wheezed.
A small V formed in her brow as she slowly turned and faced him. “I liked what you were doing—”
Damn her. “Not that.” He waved his hand, encompassing the house. “This.”
Her expression turned horrified. “What?” she rasped. Her arms slowly closed over her breasts, susceptibility shifting her posture.
He swallowed, ignoring the bulge in his pants and the urge to claim her. “I’ve tried to make it clear, but you won’t listen. This is all this will ever be, Collette. I’m only here to teach you—”
“Oh, shut up, Jude!” she snapped, and he drew back.
“Excuse me?” he roared, shocked by her interruption, tone, and words.
She scoffed. “I’m not afraid of you.”
“I never expected you to be,” he snarled. “Submission’s earned with trust, not fear. It’s gently coaxed, seduced. To fear me would be an insult to the process.”
“To the process,” she muttered, and rolled her eyes. “To you! Because you’re vulnerable too. Why can’t you admit it?”
He scowled. She was way out of line. “Because it’s not true in this case.”
Her mouth tightened as every muscle in her face trembled with tension. “You’re lying. You require nothing but the truth from me, yet I’m supposed to stand here and believe your lies?”
“It’s not a lie. In the case of you and me, I will not allow myself to be vulnerable. This is business, Collette. That’s all it is for me.”
“All right, then,” she said slowly, her voice soft. Her chin quivered and deliberately she exhaled. “If that’s all this is, I’d like to be placed with someone else for the remainder of my apprenticeship. There’s no reason why you have to be the one to provide the experiences needed for the remainder of my time.” Her gaze met his. “Brys seemed interested. Perhaps you could ask him.”
His jaw locked. Brys was an idiot. “Think before you speak.”
“I am. I’ve been thinking about it since last night. I can’t shut off my emotions for this process the way you can. It’s too difficult.”
“I never led you to believe this was real.”
“No,” she agreed calmly. “On the contrary, you reminded me it was just an education all along, an impression of what might someday come.” She laughed without humor. “What you don’t realize, Jude, is that I’ve been acting my entire life and I’m starved for something real, something I can bank on. I don’t want to waste another day pretending I have a home where I don’t. I don’t want to tell myself kindness is love when it’s not. I need something real—”
“You’re rushing things. There’s a process—”
“Do you believe in that process?” she snapped. “You’ve built this entire enterprise, yet all you ever do is surround yourself with barriers so no one can get close to you. How do you sell something you don’t believe in?”
“I do believe in it! I created Fernweh because it’s the only thing I trust. What I don’t believe in is people!”
She drew back as his voice ricocheted off the walls. Eyes damp with tears, she rasped, “You only have to believe in me.”
Feeling cornered, he glared at her. “You’re paper to me, Ms. Banks. You’re just one more application I have to file and place.”
Staggering back, her face twisted in horror. She couldn’t have looked more devastated if he’d slapped her.
Regretting his words and loathing his inability to trust and open up, he stepped forward. “Collette—”
“Don’t touch me!” She drew back, a look of repulsion on her face. Collecting herself, she said, “I am more than paper, Jude Duval. I am a woman, a teacher, someone who would risk her life for others. I am a daughter, yet an orphan, someone who feels things deeply. Fuck you for not having the depth and compassion to recognize that. Please arrange for me to go somewhere else as soon as possible. Either way, I’ll not spend another night here with you.”
She turned and stormed out of the kitchen. A long moment later he heard her bedroom door slam from the other end of the house. Locking his jaw tight, he snarled and flipped the kitchen table on end. “Fuck!”
His heart thundered in his chest like an ensnared dragon trying to break free. The last thing he wanted was to hurt her. His failure brutally settled in his bones as his entire body reverberated with shame.
He should have never touched her in such a mood. His anger and jealousy from the night before was an oily cancer burning through him, and he didn’t know how to get it out. Worse of all, coming at her so rough with his emotions way out of check only extended his esteem for her, because, despite his out of line handling, she enjoyed it.
She’d asked him to spank her. And he wanted to spank her, but not for the right reason. He wanted to punish her for taking pleasure from another man’s touch. The irreconcilable evidence was more truth that they were unsuited and their parting was inevitable. But he never wanted her to leave like this.
His intention was to place her caringly in the arms of another Dom, someone with a gentle touch and compassionate understanding for the delicate balance she needed. Too many believed it was a power play founded in strength and control when in reality it was an intangible emotional exchange that took time and skill.
He’d violated that exchange today, more so than ever before. He knew better than anyone that words left darker scars than fists. What he’d said to her was unacceptable, and he would tell her that before she left. It was his duty.
After cleaning up the disaster in the kitchen, he called Ezra. His friend was concerned, to say the least. It only turned Jude’s stomach more to hear how quickly Brys agreed to fulfill the remainder of her time, taking her on as a protégé. Perhaps it was for the best, but still he worried.
“I’d thought you and Lea would consider taking her,” he said to his partner.
“No, Jude. She’s not for us. Lea’s very fond of her, but after discussing Collette honestly, she knows she’s not the right match. We’re too eager to find our third to cloud our time with such responsibility. I’m sorry.”
Jude understood. “Have Brys come here at six. She’ll be ready.”
“Will you?”
He sighed. “I’ll have to be.”
After a long afternoon of silence, he finally braved the stairs. He knocked softly on her door.
“Go away.”
Fuck that. Turning the knob, he stepped inside and stilled. Her face lifted from her arms where they rested on her vanity, her eyes wrecked with tears, the lids red and raw. Jesus. It was a kick to the gut.
She scoffed and wiped her eyes. “Can I not have any privacy?”
“As a sub, no.” He went to the bed and sat. She plucked another tissue from the box and dabbed her eyes. He didn’t miss the small overnight bag at the door.
Ignoring the pressure building in his chest, he said, “I can arrange to have the rest of your belongings sent to you.”
“Don’t bother. They’re just clothes. Nothing as substantial as paper. Besides, they were never my things anyway.”
“Collette.”
She groaned and braced her palms on the vanity as if preparing for a blow.
“It was never my intention to hurt you. It pains me greatly to know I’ve failed.”
Her head lowered. Taking a deep breath, she softly spoke. “The sad part is, you’re right. I was just a job, that’s all this ever was to you. It was my own fault for letting my heart think it could be you, but . . . when you look at me, Jude, I feel alive, more alive than I’ve ever felt. I feel safe. I wanted it to be real, because I’ve never had someone look at me the way you do, not in the real world.”
It is real. Swallowing, he stood and brushed a finger down her face. Despite her obvious desire to hate him, she leaned into the caress and shut her eyes.
“You’re a beautiful woman, Collette, and I feel very lucky to have had the privilege of taking you this far, but I can’t be the Dom you need. I can’t give you the permanence you seek or reciprocate the emotion you feel.”
“Why?”
He stared into her eyes, weighing his possible responses and deciding she deserved the truth. “Because I gave everything I had to someone once and it still wasn’t enough. I promised to be everything she needed and I couldn’t fulfill that vow. That’s why I’ve been honest from the start with you about my limits. We’ll find you a partner, but it’s not me.”
“Then continue to be my teacher. I’ve changed my mind. Don’t make me leave. Please.” She clung to him as panic set into her eyes.
“Shh . . .” He kissed her lips and pressed his head to hers. “You’re so much more than paper, peach. But this is for the best. It’s natural to get attached. Sometimes we read more into that attachment than there actually is. Brys is a good man—”
She drew back. “I don’t want Brys.”
He stilled, not expecting such a response. She said she’d enjoyed the other night, not to mention she’d thrown Brys’s name in his face this morning. “Yes, Brys. My decision was based on your suggestion. I’ve arranged for him to pick you up here tonight. Keep in mind this is only a temporary situation.”
Her breathing turned agitated. She faced the vanity and shifted some items around as if they needed organizing. He frowned. “Collette, tell me what you’re thinking. Talk to me. And be honest this time.”
Her hands stilled as her head lowered. “I don’t want to go to Brys.”
“But I thought you felt a connection with him.”
“No.” Her head shook.
“Ezra?”
Her head shook again.
“I don’t understand.”
“I was mad at you. You let her touch you and . . . it made me angry.”
“You were jealous of Lea?” It didn’t need saying that while Lea serviced him, Collette was servicing Lea’s husband.
“Not jealous . . . I don’t know what to call it. You spoke to her differently.”
“Because Lea enjoys that. You don’t.”
“And you knew that. It was out of character for you and it freaked me out. Made me realize how quickly you can switch roles to simply accommodate a random lover. All of you seem to have this ability to be someone else.”
“All of us?”
Her face tightened with tension. “In the hall, before we came to you, Lea changed. She wasn’t sweet and giggly like she usually is. Then she was hard and cold and . . . well, mean.”
“She was mean to you?” That was unacceptable.
She shrugged. “I don’t know. I thought so, but then I saw the way you were with her and the things you called her. When she said those words to me, they felt shameful, sounded cruel, but when you said them to her, she responded and they seemed . . . sexual, like a term of endearment.”
“Sweetheart, Lea’s a switch. They’ve been waiting a very long time for their third, a female submissive for her to dominate.”
“But she’s submissive to Ezra.”
He nodded. “It’s confusing, because everyone has their own unique tastes, but I assure you, the way I spoke to Lea, it wasn’t to be cruel or disrespectful or even intimate. I called her a slut because she likes being called that. If she referred to you as a slut, she wasn’t trying to offend you. On the contrary, she was trying to compliment you. When she realized you wouldn’t respond to the word the way she does, she probably felt terrible. She can be hard, but she’s actually a very tenderhearted woman.”
She studied him for a long moment. “You’ve had sex with her?”
He didn’t hesitate to be honest. “Yes.”
She glanced away. He’d be lying if he said her show of jealousy didn’t satisfy him on some level.
“You’ll get the hang of this. You’re a very smart woman and I have no doubt you belong here.”
Her eyes, glassy with more unshed tears, turned on him. “But not here.”
Sadly, he shook his head. “No, sweetheart, not here.”
After a long moment, she whispered, “How do you shut it off?”
“What?”
“Your emotions. How do you stop yourself from getting attached?”
I don’t. “I just do.”
She shook her head. “I don’t know how to shut it off. I don’t know how to take myself out of the experience.” Her breathing again turned jagged. “Please don’t make me go to Brys, Jude. Please. I’ll go to someone else, someone I don’t know, but not him.”
Her upset concerned him. It seemed totally out of proportion to what he’d witnessed of her and Brys’s encounters. “Shh . . .” He pulled her into his arms and lifted her so he could sit and hold her on his lap. “Okay. We’ll find someone else, but tell me why.”
“I don’t know.”
“Yes, you do. There’s a reason in there somewhere. Think. What is it about him that makes you uneasy?”
Her brow crinkled as she considered what he was asking.
“Nothing you tell me will make me disappointed in you, Collette. I only want the truth.”
Her lips pursed as she wiped her eyes. “When I’m with you,” she began quietly. “I feel something here.” Her palm pressed to her belly. “It’s not butterflies or lust. It’s a rightness I can’t explain. It tells me I’m exactly where I should be.” Her face slowly lifted. “When I kneel for you, it isn’t because it’s what’s expected. It’s so much more than that. It’s because I want to give myself to you and make you proud. I don’t know if it’s trust or respect, but it certainly isn’t fear. I put your needs before mine, but deep down I believe you see us as equals, despite my inexperience. You make me so comfortable just being who I am that I don’t worry about being vulnerable around you. I never have to worry about that.”
It was his turn to look away. Lowering his gaze, he sighed. “And with Brys?”
“When he touched me, I wanted to draw back. When he filled me, I wanted to shatter. When he told me to kneel . . . I just couldn’t.”
His lips pressed to her head. “You said you enjoyed last night.”
“There came a point where nature won. My body overpowered my mind and I felt the pleasure of their touch. But, Jude, I hated it because it wasn’t you. I only wanted to please you, so I shut my eyes and did my best to convince myself it was you, not them.”
Something dark shifted inside him, filling his loins and calling on every possessive part of his being. His breath turned labored as he tried to make sense of everything she’d just said, how aroused her confession made him on an emotional level. There was nothing physically stimulating him. Only the sound and meaning behind her eloquent words.
Dear God, it would be so easy to love her. But if he were to consider this, it wouldn’t be a game. It wouldn’t be a stepping-stone to prepare her for another man. He wanted her—all of her—and he didn’t want to share.
The clock in the foyer chimed and on cue there was a knock at the door. That would be Brys. Urgency crowded him
as every certainty he’d held two minutes ago evaporated and he lost his footing.
He felt adrift and clueless as to what to do, his mind scrambled. He needed to keep his head and not be misled by instinct.
But what was this incredible hold she had on him? It wasn’t her sweet southern draw or her soft body. It wasn’t the way she cooked for him or made his bed every morning. It was something without a name.
Seeing her with the others last night hit a nerve, one he no longer had the patience for. It called out his demons and made him aware of just how much Tiffany’s betrayal had scarred him. Most of all, it had infuriated him because on some level it proved that Collette was not as solely devoted to his ideals as he’d hoped, but that wasn’t the case at all.
“Why didn’t you safe-word?” he suddenly asked as the doorbell rang.
She glanced toward the hall, fear visibly riding her as hard as it rode him. They were running out of time.
She shrugged. “Because I was mad at you and because, at the same time, I thought it was what you wanted and I can’t shut off my need to please you.”
He grabbed her face and held her so she was looking at him. “Listen to me, Collette. I never want you to do something that you don’t want to do. That sort of visceral reaction you had, that is not okay with me. That you forced yourself to tolerate something physically or emotionally unpleasant when its only purpose was to bring you pleasure goes against everything I want for you.”
“That’s not completely true.”
He frowned as the goddamn doorbell rang again and now his phone buzzed, notifying him of a text. “What do you mean? Ignore the door.”
She swallowed. “It was supposed to determine if I’m okay with sharing. I’m not. Not if you aren’t right there with me. The moment you stepped away, I felt . . . lost.”
His phone began to ring. “Damn it.” He placed her on the bed. “Just . . . I’ll be right back.”
Regret flashed in her eyes as she nodded and lowered her gaze to the floor. He pulled his phone out as he took the stairs. “I’m on my way.” He hung up. Brys was an impatient son of a bitch.
When he opened the door the other man grinned like the Cheshire cat on his way to a big vat of sweet cream. “It’s six. I’m here to collect my sub.”