“What guy?”
“The one passing the football with Connor Parks.”
“Oh, him. Henry.”
Henry. The guy I’ve spent absolutely no time thinking about since I left rehab.
“Yeah, him. Give.”
“There’s nothing to tell.”
“Bollocks.”
“Really, there isn’t.”
And there never will be, thanks to me.
A waitress comes to our table and Greer taps the edge of her drink and raises two fingers. After a moment’s hesitation, I order a Diet Coke and try to feel virtuous.
Greer smiles. “Still not drinking, I see?”
“I did just get out of rehab.”
“When I got out of rehab I celebrated for three days.” She looks thoughtful. “I think that’s how I ended up in the city, come to think of it.”
“Well, I’m not you,” I say a little stiffly.
“Whoa, lass, you don’t have to go all Joanne on me.”
I start to laugh. “You really know how to cut a girl to the quick.”
“Just trying to make sure my friend’s still in there.”
Oh, she’s still in here. And I’m sure she’ll come out soon enough.
“Seriously, though, lass, if my drinking bothers you, just say the word.”
“Thanks. But I’m OK for now.”
The waitress brings our drinks and Greer pulls out the celery stalk, raises her glass to her lips, and takes a large sip. She leans back against the booth, giving me the once over.
“So, tell me, what was that cloak-and-danger stuff all about?”
I nearly choke on my Diet Coke. Somehow in all the chaos, I forgot about Greer’s involvement in the password fiasco.
“Oh, that. Thanks, by the way.”
“No problem. You ready to tell me about it, then?”
I suddenly want to. I want to tell someone all about everything I’ve done and been through. And not in the way Bob wants me to. Or in the way that Saundra would, either. I don’t want to go to a meeting. I don’t want to confess. I just want someone to squeal and say, “Oh my God!” and hold me if I have to cry (which, given my recent track record, is fairly likely), and forgive me at the end of it all.
And so, I warn Greer that something big is coming, and tell her all about it.
Day Two: Actually Have to Write Something Today.
The day begins with a run along the waterfront (twenty-two minutes), the healthiest breakfast ever (yogurt and fresh fruit), and a text from Amber wondering if I want to go shopping with her later.
Shit. Doesn’t this woman have any friends? It’s like she has some sixth sense that she should be bugging me about something.
No, Katie, that’s just your conscience bugging you.
I wish it wouldn’t.
’Tsha, right.
While I try to decide how to answer Amber, I tear the pages out of my journal and spread them out on the floor. My careful notes from the first few weeks gave way to random scrawls and keywords, which I’m now having trouble deciphering.
Like this one: Fight Club & Fireflies. What the hell does that mean?
I remember our conversation about fireflies . . . we went for a walk after the movie one night (27 Dresses—skip it), and we came upon a swarm of fireflies, all flashing on and off. It was just like that Andrew Ryan song “Lay You Down” except that Amber and I aren’t, you know, romantically involved. Anyway, Amber exclaimed in surprise; she’d never seen live fireflies before.
But Fight Club ? I scan the movie in my head. Tyler Durden? Brad Pitt? Edward Norton? Nope, nope, nope. Making soap from human fat? No. Punching each other in the face? Not that either . . . wait a sec . . . OK, she was saying she wished they showed good movies, and we started talking about rehab movies, and one of us brought up Fight Club, and how Edward Norton’s character met his girlfriend in a support group. She told me that she did that sometimes when she was bored. She’d put on a disguise and sit in on twelve-step meetings. AA. Overeaters Anonymous (though she was asked to leave that one, and none too politely). Anger management. People obsessed with being obsessed.
Was this note supposed to remind me to write something about her attending twelve-step meetings as an analogy for our celebrity-focused culture? Was I really being that deep? Somehow I doubt it.
I toss the page aside and pick up another, and another, but nothing good comes of it. Around five, I give up in disgust and hunker down under a blanket on the couch. I pop season one of The Wire into the DVD player. (Writer’s procrastination tip number three: Get engrossed in a serialized television series, preferably one with many seasons available on DVD.) I watch half the season, and write nothing. Better luck tomorrow.
Days Three and Four: Really Need to Write Anything Now or Tight Feeling in Chest Is Going to Require Medical Attention.
More running (twenty and nineteen minutes—backsliding, I know, but I’m distracted, and barely sleeping), more healthy food. More texts from Amber that I dodge. Many hours spent pondering my dilemma, and the advice Greer gave me a few nights ago.
“Don’t write the article,” she said matter-of-factly when I asked her what I should do.
“But it’s the only way I’ll get the job at The Line.”
“So? There’ll be other jobs.”
“But I’m already thirty. Writing about music is a young person’s job.”
“You’re thirty?”
Ah, shit.
“Right, that’s another thing I forgot to tell you. I’m not twenty-five. And, um, I’m not a university student, at least not anymore.”
She looked at me like I was a stranger as the pub music pounded around us. “You’re not in grad school?”
“No.”
“Why did you say you were?”
“It’s just the way I get, I mean got, free food and alcohol . . . hanging out on the university wine-and-cheese circuit.”
“OK. But why lie to me once we became friends?”
Good question.
“I don’t know. It seemed easier, I guess.”
She popped a tomato-flavored ice cube into her mouth. “Interesting.”
“Are you mad?”
“I’m not sure.”
“Would you be mad if you were Amber?”
“Oh yeah.”
“So, what do I do?”
“I told you already, don’t write it.”
“But if I don’t, Bob is going to make me pay back the rehab fees, and probably sue me. I don’t have that kind of money. I’m totally broke.”
“You’re in a bit of a pickle, then.”
“Gee, thanks for stating the obvious.”
“Sorry, lass.”
“You wouldn’t happen to have a spare thirty thou sitting around, would you?”
She laughs. “What? For the likes of your lying arse?”
“Not a chance, right?”
“Too bloody right.”
So, find a way to get $30,000, or write the article. The two choices loom over me until neither seems desirable or even feasible. Quite the pickle, indeed.
Eighty hours and counting.
Day Five: Surprised to Learn That I Don’t Actually Function Better Under Pressure.
After another nearly sleepless night (eight potential work hours recovered, but totally wasted), and more staring at the blank page, I break down and tell Rory. (Writer’s procrastination tip number four, just discovered: Confessing to friends takes a lot of time.)
I’m not sure why I choose this exact moment to tell Rory. Is it because I want her to absolve me? Do I think she’ll write me a check for $30,000? Am I the worst person in the world if the second possibility is equally likely as the first?
Yes.
OK, OK, I know.
So, I bring Rory takeout to her office and tell her the whole story while our lunch gets cold.
After several minutes of silence, she finally speaks in a tightly controlled voice. “Are you only telling me this because you know I??
?ll find out when the article gets published?”
No. The right answer to this question is no.
“I don’t know, Rory. I’m telling you for lots of reasons.”
“Like what?”
“Well, I haven’t liked lying to you all this time. And because I need your help.”
Her sarcastic snort bounces around the room. “My help? To do what?”
“To figure out what I’m supposed to do.”
She closes the takeout container and tosses it in the trash. She hasn’t eaten a bite.
“It’s simple. Don’t write the article.”
“But then Bob’s going to sue me.”
“I doubt it.”
“No, you don’t know this guy. He will.”
“Well, then tough shit, right?”
“But I could lose everything.”
“Haven’t you already lost everything?”
“I didn’t think so,” I say, hoping to soften the hard lines her face has settled into. It doesn’t, and so I leave before she says something irretrievable and irreparable.
Sixty-seven hours left.
Day Six: Crunch Time.
I wake early. I finally slept last night out of utter exhaustion, but it was a bad-dream sleep. Amber, Henry, Connor, Rory, Greer, Scott, my parents, Chrissie all took their turns accusing me of things I’ve never done, a Ring-Around-the-Rosie of “You Suck, Katie, You’re an Awful Person.”
And every time I tried to tell them that they had it all wrong, no sound would come out. I woke up several times, but I couldn’t escape the dream. It was always waiting for me the moment I fell back to sleep. Ah, there you are, Katie, we’ve been expecting you. Don’t think you can get away from us that easily.
I wipe the sleep from my eyes and tie my hair back with an elastic. Still in my pajamas, I sit down in front of my computer. The light streams in the dirty window and lands on my desk, warming my keyboard. Everything is all set for me to write.
I just have to find a way in.
I wish I had a higher power to pray to, that I believed in something, anything bigger than me. In the tree outside my window, or the little patch of grass between the sidewalk and the street. In the small square of sky visible above the buildings. In me.
I wish this choice didn’t feel so elemental, like standing on a precipice. Write the story. Don’t write the story. Get everything you’ve always wanted, but lose everything you already have. Lose everything you’ve always wanted and be left with . . . nothing, it still seems like nothing.
I am nothing, I am nothing, I. Am. Nothing.
If I say it enough times, I can make it come true.
So do it then.
Do what?
Write. Anything. Everything. Just try. Like Rory said, you have nothing to lose.
I have nothing to lose.
Now you’re getting it.
But what about . . . ?
Forget it. Tabula rasa.
Start over?
No . . . start at the beginning.
I can do that.
When the Stars Go Blue
By Kate Sandford
The first time I see Amber Sheppard in the flesh, she’s acting like a frog.
She’s been in rehab for six days, detoxing from the combination of cocaine, alcohol, and nicotine that’s been her rocket fuel for the last six months. She’s very thin, and wearing a green velour tracksuit. Her black hair is slicked back into a bun. She sits on her heels on a chair in a circle of fellow addicts.
She croaks. She has our full attention.
I spend the whole day writing. It spills out of me, day after day, thought after thought, conversation after conversation. The little confidences. The strange behavior. Connor. Everything I know, and some things I guess. A little novella of the days of her life that I shared.
I don’t know if it’s what Bob is looking for. I don’t know what it says about Amber, or about me (though I try to keep me out of it). I only know that as I transfer the memories from my brain to the paper, I feel lighter. Not because I’m doing something good, or right, but because of the weight of it all. The last six days of agonizing about how I was going to write the story, if I was going to write it. That’s all gone now. I’ve written it. Maybe I’ll turn it in. Maybe I won’t. But I have one less decision to make now, and that feels good.
I run a spell check as the sun disappears behind the cityscape, then press print and listen to the clickety-clack of my printer forming words on paper. I’m going to have to read it all again tomorrow to clean it up, but I want a paper copy in case my ancient computer crashes.
I have two days to polish it, and then the next day, deadline day, I’ll decide if I’m going to turn it in.
Sounds like a plan.
I stack the pages neatly on the edge of my desk and stick an old rock from my parents’ garden on top of it. I save the document one last time and shut down my computer. I inhale and exhale a long, deep breath.
And then I go out and get completely fucking drunk.
Chapter 22
The Boys Are Back in Town
It all starts when I agree to meet Amber and a few of her friends for dinner.
Why, oh why, would I do such a thing given what I’ve just spent the day doing?
Am I a total masochist? A glutton for punishment? Have I gone totally insane/developed a superhuman ability to withstand guilt?
No.
I am, however, fond of Amber, and in the small corner of my brain that isn’t swayed or controlled by rational thought, I’m holding on to a little bit of hope that everything will work out. That Amber will never have to know about the stack of paper on my desk. And if it doesn’t work out (OK, when it doesn’t), I’ll have this one last night as a nice memory.
So, when the Show up @ Stolen @ 8:30, UR on the list, bring a friend if u want text arrives, I don’t agonize over whether I should go, or why I want to. Instead, I hop in the shower and start inventorying my wardrobe. When I come to the conclusion that nothing I own comes close to being cool enough for a night at Stolen, I call Greer in a panic and convince her to lend me something in exchange for a tagalong.
Greer arrives forty-five minutes later looking fabulous in a dark brown suede skirt and green halter top, her hair in a perfect tangle. If it weren’t for the fact that she’s carrying a garment bag containing the perfect outfit, I’d call the whole thing off.
When our cab pulls up at eight thirty on the dot, I’m wearing a black linen dress with a tie at the waist that emphasizes all the great things about by my rehab diet and hides the things that’ll never disappear. My hair has been straightened, and it feels good to be made up and feeling pretty.
Stolen occupies a building in the old financial district, and the city’s young glitterati snake around the block hoping they’ll get inside before last call. We walk to the head of the line past group after group of half-starved beautiful people. I feel kind of giddy, almost like I’ve had a couple of glasses of champagne. We’re on the list! How cool is that?
I give my name to the emaciated woman in a backless black cocktail dress who guards the door. As she runs a red-painted talon down the list her whole aspect exudes, There’s no way you’re getting in, until she finds my name with a plus one just below Amber’s. She gives a little shrug of defeat before she puts on a welcoming smile.
A waitress leads us down a grand staircase to the heart of the restaurant set on the old trading room floor. The ceilings rise thirty feet above us, the height emphasized by bright uplights set against velvet curtains. The room feels alive, young, and the right place to be.
Amber’s sitting at a table with three nearly indistinguishable unnaturally blond women all dressed in short, glittery designer dresses I recognize from Fashion Television. She waves vigorously as we approach and jumps up to greet me. She’s dressed in a white pantsuit and looks tanned and healthy.
“Katie! It’s been ages! You look fabulous!”
“Thanks. You too. This is my friend, Gre
er . . .”
“Hi, Greer! I’m Amber.”
“Pleased to meet you.”
“Are you Scottish? I love Scotland!”
What is this girl on?
I look at her closely, trying to discern whether this new-found enthusiasm is chemically based, but she seems only excited and happy, not high.
“Have you been there?” Greer asks.
“Loads of times. I’ve been to Glasgow for the festival, but I especially love Edinburgh.”
I smile inwardly as Amber pronounces the word “Edinborough.” Greer will have to love her now.
Sure enough, Greer gives her a welcoming smile.
Amber introduces us to her three friends: Olivia (her publicist), Eva (her makeup artist), and Steph (her personal assistant). They’re all in their mid-twenties, and I recognize them as the hardcore party girls Amber’s been hanging out with for the last couple of years.
The waitress comes to take our drinks order. Greer and The Party Girls order cocktails, and Amber orders a bottle of San Pellegrino for the two of us. We peruse the menu. It’s a collection of Asian dishes served like Spanish tapas. By the look of the dishes on the passing trays, each is just big enough for four people to have a mouthful. The prices are shocking. I hope this Last Supper is on Amber.
“Shall we share?” Olivia asks.
“For sure,” Amber enthuses. “Does everyone trust me to order?”
We all nod, and Amber orders a few delicious-sounding dishes that I suspect will be enough food for only two people. The waitress makes a polite suggestion to that effect, but Amber shoos her away.
Sigh. I guess I’ll fill up on bread. Only there doesn’t seem to be any bread. And San Pellegrino doesn’t fill you up in quite the same way as, say, a Cosmo.
We spend the next hour listening to The Party Girls cackle as they recount a dozen incidents that Amber missed while she was “away,” as they put it. They’re all extremely funny, in a bitchy, it’s-funny-because-it’s-not-about-you kind of way. At least their talk distracts me from the fact that, as suspected, the food comes in Rory-sized portions.
“You should’ve seen her, Amb,” Eva says as she pops the last salt-and-pepper shrimp into her mouth. She didn’t even ask if anyone wanted it, though I was clearly eyeing it. “She was totally copying that look you pulled off at the Teen Choice Awards last year.”