I felt more like a spectator than a participant as I watched him move. The way he undid his belt buckle was too sexy for words. I soaked in every inch of him when he pulled himself from his boxers. He withdrew a condom from his pocket, tore open the packet, and began rolling it down his length. Eyes levelled firmly between my legs, he moved my thigh aside and tilted his head, just looking at me, and I knew I was blushing again. I felt something rattle as he reached inside his pocket a second time and pulled out a packet of matches.
The next time our eyes met, there was a question in his, requesting permission, and I didn’t hesitate a moment in giving it. I wanted this. Even though he was going to hurt me, I knew that he wouldn’t hurt me. He’d told me he trusted me, and now I was trusting him right back. I watched in fascination as he flicked the match along the edge of the box and a flame sparked to life. It lit up his face, such handsome features, his eyes liquid black as he stared at the fire with such enchantment. Then he blew it out, and he was a work of light and shadow again. Smoke rose from the match as he took it between his teeth, then bent over me, his mouth going to my breast.
I yelped when I felt the hot sting against my nipple as it met the tip of the match, but it was instantly soothed by the soft, wet lick of his tongue. It happened once more, and once more he gave me his tongue to temper out the burn. It was actually…exciting. I felt his cock nudge against my lips, and then he was pushing into me, the invasion deliciously sweet. I felt tight around him. It had been a while since anyone had been inside me, and it showed. Jack’s groan filled my ears as he thrust his hips, and he was suddenly embedded deep.
Our gazes locked, and it felt like in that moment, we both had the exact same thought.
Wow.
His eyes grew hooded as his hands held my hips, and his movements were hard and fast. He’d been right to warn me, because there was nothing slow or soft about this. Yet, still, it was strangely tender.
“Jesus,” he hissed when I clenched around him, a light sheen of sweat forming at his brow. My eyes had long since adjusted to the dark, and now it felt like I could see every inch of him. Every pore and crevice.
Somehow, by joining our bodies, we lit each other up.
The long grass was soft beneath me as I stared up at him, mouth open, sounds I never knew I was capable of making coming out of me in a rush. I loved how his defined, muscular hips jutted in and out, almost violently, in his need to go deeper, harder. He wore his hunger on his face, and my heart squeezed knowing it was all for me. I felt like the centre of his universe right then, and there was no denying that he was the centre of mine.
Suddenly, he was picking me up and flipping us over so I was straddling him. His hips hammered up into me from below, and the pleasure was so much more intense for me this way. From the searing look he gave me, I knew that had been his intention. His hands massaged my breasts as I rode him.
“Fuck, you should see yourself right now,” he growled, and then our movements grew more frenzied as we raced toward release. I took his hands in mine, lacing our fingers, not breaking eye contact as I felt myself contract around him. His noises filled my ears and were branded into my memory as he came, long and hard, and I collapsed on top of him, savouring the feel of my naked breasts on his skin. His arms went tight around me, and I closed my eyes as I nestled my face in the crook of his neck.
Our hearts beat in time; I could feel his fluttering beneath me. Mine was racing, too. I was fascinated by how something that felt so delicate could reside inside such a hard, impenetrable body.
“That was…holy fuck…Lille,” he said breathlessly, making me laugh gently, my eyes still closed. He laughed, too, and it was the most glorious sound. When it quietened down, I found myself listening to his heartbeat again, savouring the feeling of connection in the moment, happily drowning in it.
I wasn’t sure who fell asleep first, but it wasn’t long before the soothing sounds of the night were pulling me under.
Thirteen
Julie showed Lille her true colours
I woke up to a chill that came from the cool morning air surrounding me rather the hot, lean body beneath me. Sometime during the night, Jack had pulled my dress back in place, and I missed the feel of his skin. His shirt was draped over my back, and I nuzzled into his neck, savouring his heady masculine scent.
I couldn’t believe we’d slept the entire night outdoors. I’d been so blissed out by our lovemaking that I hadn’t cared. I didn’t want to leave, not even now that the day had arrived, the sun lighting up the deeds of the night before. Unable to resist, I began planting soft little kisses on his neck, hoping he’d wake up to them. I felt him move a little before his eyes flickered open. He looked down at me, seconds drifting by as he remembered what we’d done, and then his arms tightened around me.
“You make a good blanket, flower,” he said, voice all raspy.
“And you make a delectable bed,” I giggled quietly in reply.
His smile lit up his face, the sunlight shining on his dark brown eyes, making them swirl with flecks of honey gold. We stayed like that for a while, me with my head on his chest, gazing up at him, and him tracing the contours of my face with his fingertips.
“We should probably get up,” I said, even though I didn’t want to. “Somebody might come by and see us.”
“Somebody might,” Jack replied, but it still took him a long few moments to move. He sat up, bringing me with him, and his shirt fell off my back. As he helped me to stand, I turned my neck from side to side, feeling an ache. My legs and arms felt achy, too, but it was a satisfying sort of ache. I liked knowing that spending the night with Jack was what gave it to me. We stared at one another as we righted our clothes, silly happy grins on our faces. Then Jack laced his fingers with mine and led me back to the campsite. I walked in my bare feet, the grass ticklish on my soles as I held my shoes in my hand. I wondered what I looked like, and considering the heavy makeup I’d been wearing last night, it was probably smudged all over my face. Jack didn’t seem to care, but I wanted to go clean up before breakfast. Reaching Violet’s camper, he backed me up against it and gave me a long, scorching kiss goodbye. I was weak in the knees by the time he withdrew, and it took all my strength to climb the steps into the van.
Lola was eating breakfast when I went in, the tiny television playing the morning news. A loud snore rang out from Violet’s room, so I knew she was still sleeping.
“Where did you disappear off to last night, ya dirty little stop out?” Lola asked excitedly as she took in my appearance.
I went straight to the kitchen and poured myself a glass of water, knocked it back in two long gulps, then turned to face her, fidgeting. “Um, Jack and I sort of….”
“I fucking knew it!” she interrupted me. “What was it like?”
Her question encouraged a stupid dreamy look to come over my face, which must have spoken volumes, because she was laughing, and Lola had a real dirty laugh. I kind of loved hearing it.
“That good, huh?”
I sighed. “Pretty much.”
She huffed. “Some girls get all the luck.”
For a moment, I felt awkward as I remembered all that Lola had been through lately. Did it make her uncomfortable to talk about sex? If it did, she didn’t show it. I told her I was going to take a shower and left her to finish her breakfast. Half an hour later, I was clean and dressed in fresh clothes, a loose cream top and some washed denim jeans. The top was oversized and kind of fell off one shoulder, showing my black bra strap. I thought my choice in clothing was indicative of how I felt, all lazy and sexed up.
I left my hair down and pulled on my shoes before heading to the gazebo in search of a hot breakfast. I was starving, and the tea and toast back at the camper wouldn’t be enough to sate my appetite. When I got there, it seemed like half the circus was sporting a hangover as they chowed down on sausage and eggs. I loaded my plate up, and as I went in search of a seat, I felt someone tug on the end of my top.
I hadn’t spotted Jack sitting there, and had almost walked right past him. He gave me an affectionate, sexy look, taking my plate from me and setting it on the table before pulling me onto his lap. I must have felt the ferocity of her stare, because my gaze was drawn in the direction of Julie, who was sitting at a table a few feet away, glaring daggers at me.
Whoa.
“Hey,” Jack murmured in my ear, distracting me from the eye daggers with one hand on my thigh as he ran his nose down the side of my neck.
I glanced at him and teased, “So, is this how it’s going to be? By night you’re my bed, and by day you’re my chair?”
His voice lowered, and his eyes heated up, “If it means I get your arse cushioning my dick, then yeah.”
“You’ve got a frisky mouth,” I said, turning and reaching for my fork.
I let out a tiny yelp when I felt his teeth graze my bare shoulder. “All the better to bite you with.” His warm hand grasped my shoulder, and his thumb slid beneath the strap of my bra, causing me to shiver. I almost didn’t hear him when he growled low, “This is a good look for you.”
My tummy gurgled and I blushed, finally giving in and shovelling some food into my mouth. Whenever I was close to Jack, it was always so tempting to just lose myself in him. His thumb brushed discreetly over my nipple as he asked, “How are you feeling this morning? Any soreness?”
The memory of his mouth on me with the hot matchstick between his teeth hit me, and I shivered. My nipple was a little sore, along with a whole range of other parts, but it wasn’t unpleasant.
“A small bit,” I answered.
His eyes grew hooded as he playfully leaned in and said, “What I did to you last night was child’s play, Lille. The next time I can’t be quite so gentle.”
Wow. If he thought last night was gentle, then I shuddered to think what he was like rough – in a good way.
A loud clatter sounded close by, and my attention was drawn to King as he stumbled into the gazebo. He knocked into Julie’s table where she sat with her two sisters, causing their cups and plates to tumble over. Julie rose from her seat, her voice shrill as she focused the glare she’d been giving me earlier on King.
“You fucking imbecile, look what you’ve done!”
King held his hands in the air. “Sorry, sorry, wasn’t looking where I was going.”
“That’s your problem,” Julie spat. “You never do. Seriously, what is the point of you? I really don’t understand why Marina even lets you stay here.”
I felt Jack lift me from his lap, about to go and intervene, when Marina suddenly appeared. She stood between Julie and her brother, a look of eerie calm on her face as she sized Julie up.
“This is my circus, girl. You’d do well to remember that. King apologised for his actions. Now, if I ever hear you speak to him like you just did again, I’ll kick you and your sisters off the lineup so quick you’ll have skid marks on your backside.”
Julie swallowed, her face growing red, restrained fury in her eyes as she silently sat back down. Her sisters anxiously worked to clean up the mess on the table. Marina turned to King and placed her hand on his shoulder, murmuring something to him that nobody else could hear. His entire form seemed to slump miserably as he nodded to her, then turned and left.
There was an air of tension amongst those present as Marina strode away, her five-foot-two height seeming taller and more foreboding all of a sudden. I glanced at Jack to find him seething, and it took me by surprise. He was staring at Julie, and it was clear to me that he was pissed off by how she treated King. I think she misinterpreted his attention as the positive kind, because she gave him a sultry smile. The woman needed to get a clue.
I put my hand on Jack’s thigh and rubbed it in an effort to calm his temper. Marina had already put Julie in her place; there was no need for him to still be riled up. I wondered at his anger, since he’d spoken harshly to King himself in the past. But what happened today had been an accident. King had apologised. And something told me that Jack felt an affection for the man; he could relate to him on some level, and that was why he also felt a protectiveness towards him.
I leaned close and gave Jack a peck on the cheek, which seemed to distract him. He gave me a tender look, and then we ate the rest of our meal in companionable silence. After breakfast I sat in the back of the Spiegeltent, doing sketches as Jack practiced some new additions to his act. I was supposed to be using it as an opportunity to do some work on my picture of him, but found myself simply sitting back and watching mostly. The way he moved was so careful and practiced, seamless, really, and it was hard to look away. The fiery torches weren’t quite so dark and dangerous-looking in the light of day, but Jack still managed to make them fascinating.
I wondered about his obsession with the element, how it had become something he needed to be around all the time in order to get through the day. It struck me as strange at first, but then when I thought on it more, I realised it was no stranger than people smoking cigarettes because they craved nicotine, or drinking coffee to sate their hunger for caffeine. It was an addiction, simple as that. Burning gave him relief. He associated it with the one time in his life he felt truly liberated from being a victim. I thought I should be more appalled by what he’d done to his foster mum and by what she had done to him, but I wasn’t.
It was all just a part of life’s darkness. And without darkness, there would be no light.
I didn’t see him as a damaged little boy; I saw him as a unique, wonderful, yet very breakable grown man.
***
Later that day I was walking about the campsite in search of Bea. I hadn’t seen her for a couple of days, and I was beginning to worry. Perhaps she’d caught the flu that was going around. I was just making my way past the back of the Spiegeltent in the direction of Aiden’s camper when I suddenly felt myself propelling forward, a sharp pain shattering through my skull. My hand went to my head as my breath left me all in a rush. I could feel a wetness, and as I moved my fingers in front of my face, I saw they were red with blood.
It took me several beats to find my bearings as I turned and found Julie standing in front of me, wielding a broken plank of wood. My eyes moved from the wood to her and then back again as my brain tried to compute the fact that she’d just whacked me with it.
“What the hell?!” I yelled at her, and she dropped the wood before launching herself at me. Adrenaline flooded my system as she grabbed my throat in her surprisingly strong grip and slammed my body back into the hard frame of the tent. Pain shattered down my spine, my head still thumping. She was shorter than I was by about three or four inches, but she had the muscle tone of a professional athlete, hence her strength.
Acrobats be crazy.
First King and now me. She really was on a roll today.
“You’re going to stay the fuck away from Jack, or the next time, I swear I’ll end you,” she hissed, crazy eyes piercing me. My entire body had broken into a cold sweat, and my throat was constricting from her grip. When I didn’t answer, she tightened it more, and I broke into a fit of choking. My heart was trying to beat its way out of my chest, and I was genuinely in fear for my life. With just the hold she had on my neck, she pulled my body forward, then slammed me back into the tent again.
“Say it!” she demanded.
My voice came out scratchy and broken. “I’ll s-s-stay away from him.”
She looked me up and down, disdain clear in her expression. “I had him long before you came along. Don’t you know you can’t just show up, all fucking innocent and clueless, and take what doesn’t belong to you? That’s not how it works,” she spat, and the spray hit me right in the face. “There are rules.”
“I didn’t know you were together, I swear,” I said, and her grip started to loosen. I was lying through my teeth, of course, but I’d never experienced an attack like this, and I was scared witless. She was obviously mentally disturbed, and I couldn’t believe I didn’t pick up on it sooner. It was startling to think that
this woman could do such beautiful things with her body, perform in a way that provoked such emotion in her audience, yet be so thoroughly, certifiably insane.
Her hand left my throat completely, but only to slap me hard across the face, so hard it was going to leave a mark. My mind reeled, and my body began to shake as tears ran down my cheeks. Slaps across the face were Mum’s signature move, and suddenly I was stuck in countless memories.
I felt so small.
Wretched and unimportant.
Clutching my cheek in my hand, the sting echoing through my jaw, I looked back at Julie to find her still seething at me. “You’re a liar. If I see you with him again, I’ll break your face. And if you tell a single person about this, I’ll cut out your tongue.”
With that parting threat, she stomped off, leaving me feeling like I’d just entered an alternate universe where everyone was evil, and women you thought were just bitches were actually psychopaths.
But then I remembered what Winnie had told me back in Caen, when she’d let me pet her lions.
Julie is the little girl who pulled the legs from spiders, the one who poked at dogs until they turned vicious.
Suddenly, I wasn’t so shocked anymore, and her behaviour made perfect sense. Winnie had spent years observing Julie. She knew what she was like far better than I did. And then there was the indignity she suffered this morning when Marina told her off in front of the entire circus. Attacking me was clearly her way of offsetting the shame and frustration she felt.
I sank to the grass, sitting there for God knows how long before I finally picked myself up and stumbled back to the camper. Violet and Lola were out, and after I’d cleaned myself up in the bathroom, I went straight to bed, changing into my pyjamas and climbing under the covers. I was completely spaced out, my body still humming from the attack. My head ached, and beneath my hair where I’d cleaned away the blood, I could feel a soft, mushy bump rising. My throat was raw, and I knew I’d have bruises on my neck tomorrow from where she’d choked me.