“Well, I’ll be,” I said when I regained the ability to speak again. “That was awesome, Shurf! Your holey cup works a little differently every time. It’s as if it knows what I need from it. Now you and I won’t have to rummage through my house looking for a handkerchief, which I’ve never had to begin with. Instead, we can take on the case of the empty beaches.”
“Are you really willing to get down to the bottom of my dreams?” said Lonli-Lokli. “I am very honored to receive your magnanimity—although, knowing you, I will be so bold as to surmise that your primary motive is curiosity.”
“That’s as good a reason as any to begin an investigation,” I said, embarrassed.
“What is it that you’re going to do? Perhaps I should offer to share my dream with you again as I did when we were on our way to Kettari. But in this case we might lose a great deal of time, as I do not dream of your beaches every single day. The last time it happened was, in fact, last night. Who knows how long we will have to wait for the next opportunity? Three days? Five? A dozen? Besides, you still work nights, which complicates the task at hand even further.”
“Normally I work around the clock, praise be Sir Juffin Hully. There’s never a dull moment with him,” I said with a sigh. “You know what I think, Shurf? I think for starters I should pay a visit to the Melifaro homestead. It’s a piece of cake to control one’s dreams in the bedroom of his grandfather. Tell you what, I’m going there today. Not sure if the trip will turn out to be useful, but there’s no doubt that it’s going to be pleasurable. Darn, I sure know how to seize an opportunity, don’t I?”
“Do you have any reason to believe that my problem requires immediate action?” said Shurf.
“Do ants in my pants count as a reason? Just yesterday, Juffin was needling me about why the heck I demanded two Days of Freedom from Chores instead of one. He insists that R & R is not my area of expertise. According to him, I have absolutely no talent for it. As far as I’m concerned, our boss is right. It’s not even sunset and I’m already moonlighting, if you’ll pardon the pun. Speaking of the boss, why haven’t you told Juffin about your terrifying dreams? He is old and wise and knows almost everything there is to know about the dark side of life. I know that those dreams are something I dream from time to time, but everything else about them is beyond my ken.”
“That is an amusing way of putting it,” said Shurf, approvingly.
And that’s just quintessential Shurf. You never know which one of the silly things I say is going to fly in one of his ears and out the other, and which one he will jot down in his notebook.
“As for Sir Juffin Hully,” said Shurf, putting his terrifying notebook back under the fold of his looxi, “you see, Max, this matter concerns your dreams, not mine. If a third party is to learn about them, you should be the one to divulge this information. In theory, every person has the right to keep private secrets. It says so in the Code of Krember.”
“It says a lot of things,” I said, smirking. “I’m afraid Juffin knows more about my ‘private secrets’ than I do myself. But you’re right, let’s not pester the boss with trifles. Maybe I’ll be able to figure out what’s wrong with my empty beaches on my own, and then we’ll see. I’m sure Melifaro will be on cloud nine if I take him to his parents’ estate on the spur of the moment. At least some good will come out of our undertaking.”
“I admire your determination, Max,” said Lonli-Lokli. He placed the empty cup on the table and stood up. “Thank you. I hope you will not be offended if I tell you that I have some other unfinished business.”
“I have been told more than once that hope is a darn-fool feeling. On the other hand, being offended is also a darn-fool feeling, an even greater one. And so I’m not offended. If you give me a few moments, I can change and give you a lift to Headquarters. Does this unfinished business of yours glumly hang around outside the doors of your office, by any chance?”
“Thank you, but that will not be necessary. My business usually hangs around in other places,” said Lonli-Lokli, nodding. “I must hand it to you, sometimes you combine words in a very eloquent manner. Good night, and please keep me posted.”
As he was heading toward the exit, I admired his upright stance. People as tall as he have a natural inclination to stoop. But Sir Shurf Lonli-Lokli broke the laws of gravity, as well as other laws of nature.
“Thanks for dumping your troubles on me,” I said to his back. “Compared to my recent enthronement, this sure smells like a good adventure.”
“I would like it very much if it didn’t smell like anything of the sort,” said Shurf, turning around. “But as Sir Aloxto Allirox used to say, there are very few creatures in this World whose desires really matter. He was a particularly observant person, that sad Arvaroxian war chief, don’t you think?”
Without waiting for my answer, Sir Lonli-Lokli went out the door, leaving me with the lightest imaginable load on my chest. I shrugged it off, kicked it as far as it would go, put on the first warm looxi I could find, and left for the Armstrong & Ella.
On my way there I sent a call to Melifaro.
You might like my plans for tonight.
Have you finally decided to open an imperial brothel? said Melifaro. It’s high time that you did.
After my colleagues—at the cunning suggestion of Sir Juffin—had watched Caligula with Malcolm Mc Dowell and had more or less recovered from mild culture shock, they wouldn’t get off my back. They said that now they knew exactly what methods I was going to employ to enforce the policies of the Unified Kingdom in the poor Lands of Fanghaxra. Little by little, I had begun to feel that they were going a bit too far with this. I had even resorted to threatening that I would send the video collection they had grown so fond of back into the bowels of the place from whence it had come. Alas, no one fell for my empty threat.
Actually, I was thinking of starting small and practicing in the company of your venerable folks, I said. Would you care to join me, buddy? You’re going to love it, I promise.
What royal impudence! said Melifaro. What disrespect for the private lives of ordinary citizens! This nutcase of a barbarian king is going to introduce my folks to the inhumane customs of his boundless steppes. Verily, you are a great man, O Fanghaxra!
Quit being such a show off. As if I have nothing better to do than listen to your Silent Speech. It makes my head swell. What if it gets too big for my crown? I’m going to be in trouble. Just meet me at Tekki’s. Once you have thoroughly licked my boots, I will condescend to take you to your parents’ house. Then, in the morning, I will deposit you back at the House by the Bridge. And here’s the best part: this whole thing is not going to cost you a penny. Now who’s going to make you a better offer?
No one, said Melifaro. But you could’ve just swallowed your pride and admitted that you were dying to curl up in a dark corner of the mysterious bedroom of my legendary grandfather. All right, all right. I’m coming. But you owe me one, mister.
Over and out, I said. But if you’re not here in thirty minutes, I’m going to draw and quarter you.
It was a good time to end our silent conversation. I had just arrived at the Armstrong & Ella.
“My goodness, Max! You were supposed to be soaking wet and miserable, yet here you are, dry and smiling from ear to ear. Pretty suspicious, if you ask me.” Tekki did her best to try and look fierce. Still, if there was anyone smiling from ear to ear, it was none other than Tekki.
“What are you so surprised about? After all, I am a powerful sorcerer. All it takes is the nine hundred ninety-ninth degree of Purple Magic, and a miserable, soaking-wet person becomes dry and happy in an instant.”
“Why Purple?” said Tekki.
“I don’t know. It’s a pretty color. You can’t limit yourself to just Black and White Magic. It’s so conservative.”
“Sir Shurf dropped by,” said Tekki. “I told him that you had gone to take a pleasure ride down the Xuron, but I think he thought I was joking. In any case, he honestly tried to
smile. By the end of the third minute, he had almost succeeded.”
“Consider yourself lucky—that is a rare feat. On second thought, maybe not that rare, at least not recently. He’s tried to pull it off a couple of times today. I already saw him. On top of that, I also managed to take a bath, change my wet clothes, have lunch, get a cold, get rid of the cold, go insane, offer Sir Melifaro an all-night trip to the country, and get him to agree to it. Would you say that I lead an eventful life?”
“You can say that again,” said Tekki. “Are you serious about that night trip with Melifaro?”
“Sure. By the way, you don’t have to take such candid delight in the prospect. I am a wicked man, and I would like to think that my absence makes you unhappy.”
“If you stayed, I’d have to babble on for hours about how I hate to walk around town in this weather. Besides, just this morning, Sir Juffin told me that he had dug up some incredible movie from your collection,” said Tekki with downcast eyes. “He says I’m definitely going to like it even though it’s full of ‘nonsense.’ You know, the usual deal with him.”
“Oh, what’s the name of it?” I said. I had to know what movie that scoundrel Juffin had recommended to my girlfriend. After all, one could expect anything from him.
“It has a very strange name: Played Runner.”
I almost choked on my hot kamra. The title had been garbled almost beyond recognition, and Blade Runner was one of my favorites.
“Juffin’s right. It’s a great movie,” I said. “No objections to that. By the way, you didn’t have to take such a gloomy view of your prospects for the evening. I’m no monster.”
“Sometimes you’re worse,” said Tekki with a dreamy smile.
“Right you are.”
I have no idea when that son of a gun Melifaro had appeared behind my back. Lucky for him, it had taken him less than thirty minutes, so I didn’t have to draw and quarter him.
“You are a monster,” Melifaro began his old refrain. “Dragging me off somewhere in the middle of the night. I was going to take your girlfriend to your place to see a movie tonight. We could have been making out in the dark, with just a bit of light flickering from that funny box with moving pictures. Am I right, Tekki?”
“Sure. The only other light would have been Sir Juffin’s fangs gleaming in the dark. He’s recently been known to grow them occasionally. I’m sure he saw them in one of those movies. It even scared me.”
“He’s just flirting with you,” said Melifaro. “Well, that’s too bad. Looks like he’s not going to let us make out in peace. He’s such a meanie. Although, compared to this monster”—he made a mocking bow in my direction—“Juffin is as mild-mannered as a saint.”
Having discussed me and Juffin, they started picking on other mutual friends. According to them the entire city of Echo was full of evildoers and villains. The only true angel was Melifaro himself. And Tekki, too, of course, what with her being the daughter of Loiso Pondoxo—although I couldn’t agree more with that last opinion.
“All right, let’s go,” I said half an hour later when I realized that those two could mock and scoff till the cows came home if nobody stopped them. “As I understand it, Tekki, you’ve already decided about your plans for tonight. I mean, it would be useless for me to crawl at your feet, choking on my own tears, and beg you to come with us, right?”
“Choking on your own tears, huh? Tempting, very tempting,” said Tekki. “But I think we can put this orgy off until some other time. There is no hurry. Keep in mind, though, that in the morning I’ll begin to miss you. Don’t make me regret the chance I let slip, okay?”
“Never, my love,” I said. “In any case, early in the morning I’m going to have to take your spurned lover to work. So please try not to entertain too many naked men in my house, and generally be a good girl.”
“All right,” said Tekki, giving me a hug. “I’ll bring over just a few naked men, if it matters so much to you. Just five or six. I want you to be happy. Will you be happy?”
“I will.”
“Sinning Magicians, it takes so little to make some people happy,” said Melifaro, laughing.
“Yep, I’ve always been an ascetic,” I said.
When we arrived at Melifaro’s family estate, we were still in high spirits. I had almost forgotten why we were taking the trip in the first place. I was about to inquire of Melifaro why he had invited me to visit his parents, but thankfully I remembered why we were there myself.
In the spacious den of the mansion, we found an idyllic, unworldly scene: Sir Manga, quite content, was sitting comfortably in a large armchair. His better half was braiding his long red hair. She had just managed to finish half the braid when we arrived. She had a lot of work ahead of her.
“Sinning Magicians, what a surprise!” said Lady Melifaro.
“This is no surprise. It’s just our son and Sir Max,” said Sir Manga. “These gentlemen will live to see far scarier things, so do go on please.”
“I’d rather you had a harem,” his wife said, sighing. “At least I’d have someone to do all the dirty work for me.”
“A hundred and fifty years ago, dear, you had a completely different opinion on this matter. That you have changed it now is not my fault. Boys, will you excuse me if we skip the passionate embraces this time?”
“If you were to rush up and gave me a passionate embrace, Dad, I’d cry bitter tears and haul you off to the nearest Refuge for the Mad,” said Melifaro.
“Do you get so lonely there that you need company?” said Sir Manga. “But never mind. I think you’d better put something in your mouth and start munching right away. Otherwise I’ll never be able to look Sir Max in the eye, after all the nonsense we’ve been spewing out in his presence.”
“Frankly, I don’t see how you can look me in the eye after spewing out this nonsense, once upon a time,” I said, pointing my finger at Melifaro Junior. “However did you manage that, Sir Manga?”
“For your information, I wasn’t home at the time. Kindly address your complaints to my wonderful wife,” said Sir Manga, giving his wife a scornful look. “What can you say in your own defense?”
“Mom, don’t listen to these ridiculous people,” said Melifaro. “You did a great job. In any case, I’m very happy with the results.”
“At least someone is,” his mother said. “All this notwithstanding, your father’s offer still stands: you should have something to eat. It’s not often that such brilliant thoughts occur in Manga’s head.”
“You’re quite wrong there, my dear. Thoughts about food occur to me on average six or seven times a day,” said Sir Manga. “How’s my hair coming along, by the way?”
“You’ll know that it’s done when you hear a loud sigh of relief escape my lungs,” said his wife.
I was enjoying the scene. The more members of the Melifaro family gather in one place, the more kicks I get from it.
“Where has my brother Baxba disappeared to?” my colleague said, sitting at the table.
“Magicians only know,” said Sir Manga. “If I recall correctly, in the morning he mumbled something about a trip to Landaland. He said he was going to the fair in Numban to buy some household junk, but frankly I wasn’t paying much attention.”
I imagined the gigantic Baxba “mumbling something” and couldn’t contain a smile. The Melifaros would make a great soap opera that should air around the clock. It’s too bad that none of the many powerful Grand Magicians who have inhabited Echo since the foundation of the Unified Kingdom have thought to invent television.
My indefatigable colleague was the first to turn in that evening. Muttering something about his working schedule for the coming day, he deserted us and retreated into his bedroom.
“Oh, dear, dear me!” his mother said. “It was no more than a hundred years ago that my little boy swore he would refuse to sleep when he grew up.”
“Ah, so he’s also a perjurer,” I said. “What a nice young man.”
“It r
uns in the family,” said Sir Manga with pride. “Granted, Anchifa is the crowning glory of my upbringing methods. The first real pirate in the family. That’s quite something, I’ll tell you.”
“If I understand correctly, he’s already left?” I said.
“Of course. Anchifa has never stayed home for more than a couple dozen days.”
“Good for him,” I said in a dreamy voice. “You know, I sometimes think I should quit my job and ask him to hire me as a regular sailor on his ship.”
“I’d advise you not to. A shikka isn’t exactly a resort for a sailor: a barbarian Ukumbian contraption, no magic, and—as a result—too much work for everyone, including the captain. And I wouldn’t say the passengers fare much better: the vessel is subject to violent rocking. Yet my son wouldn’t hear of buying a new ship, even though he could easily afford one, and then some. The boy tries to imitate his mentors in every possible way. This is a case of typical Ukumbian bravado. The local pirates believe that a man can only be considered a true captain if he has sailed the same shikka for no less than five dozen years.”
“What’s a shikka? A kind of a ship?”
“Indeed. The swiftest and most maneuverable there is, and not quite what one would consider a pleasure boat, believe me. I once had the misfortune of hiring a Ukumbian shikka, and I lived to rue the day I decided to go on an around-the-world journey. If I hadn’t managed to transfer to a regular three-mast karuna equipped with several magic crystals when we reached the next port, this World would have lost four of the eight volumes of my sinning encyclopedia, and myself to boot.”
“All right then. I guess I won’t try to hire myself out as a sailor to your Anchifa after all,” I said. “Thanks for warning me. I think I’ll go to sleep instead. After all, it’s the cheapest way to travel in comfort.”
“If you are referring to the bedroom of my prodigal father, Filo, you couldn’t be more correct. As for the other bedrooms, I’m not so sure. Do you remember where it is, or do you want me to show you the way?”