Jumping on board, I open the door to the cabin. Inside, it is lit up with a plethora of candles and tea lights. There’s soft music playing and the scent of something wonderful cooking on the stove drifts towards me. Danny is freshly showered and is looking more handsome than ever. My heart does a backflip and a bit of a somersault too for good measure.
There are fresh flowers in a vase on the coffee table and, for just a fleeting moment, I wonder if they are guilty flowers.
‘This looks great,’ I say. ‘What’s it in aid of?’
‘Nothing in particular.’
‘Well, nothing in particular sounds like a perfect thing to celebrate.’ I go and wind my arms round him. ‘What have we got to eat?’
‘Nothing fancy. Pasta dressed up with what I could find in the fridge.’
I laugh, a bit too brightly. ‘That’s exactly what I’d planned for dinner too.’
‘Great minds think alike.’ He certainly seems a lot more chirpy than earlier, but I can tell that there’s something still on his mind. Perhaps I’m reading too much into this because of the situation with Edie, but I feel as if something invisible is hanging in the air between us.
We eat at the coffee table in the cabin. Danny has made a rich tomato sauce for the pasta which is delicious. The bottle of red he opens barely touches the sides, so he opens another and he’s matching my one glass with two gulped down. Both of us are going to have bad heads in the morning at this rate.
When we’ve finished, I go to clear up.
‘Leave that until later,’ he says, softly. ‘Let’s go out onto the well deck.’
‘It’s freezing out there.’
‘We’ll take some blankets. The lights look really pretty.’ He looks away from me. ‘Besides, we need to talk.’
My mouth goes dry. What’s happened in the short time he was away from me? I can hardly bear to think about it, but there has somehow been a subtle change in his behaviour. I’d be blind not to see it. ‘OK.’
So Danny picks up his guitar, which he hasn’t played for ages. I grab my fleece and the crocheted blanket off the sofa. We bring some tea lights out too and I arrange them around the well deck. Danny finds the remnants of a bottle of vodka and pours us a couple of shots. We settle next to each other on the benches and I pull the blanket round our knees. Diggery curls up at Danny’s feet. It’s a beautiful night. The air is crisp and cold and we can see our breath, but the stars are out in force above us. Yet where I should feel warm and cosy, there’s only a cold prickle of fear.
Chapter Forty-Nine
We clink our shot glasses together and knock back the vodka in one. The raw alcohol burns its way down into my stomach. I’m so going to regret this. Danny rolls a spliff. Something he hasn’t done for a long time.
‘A present from Sienna?’ Last time he had any weed, she’d been the one to give it to him.
He laughs without humour. ‘I bought my own this time.’
I feel my throat go tight when I say, ‘You haven’t said much about your trip to London.’
He takes a toke on the joint and then passes it to me. I think about refusing and then I think, Sod it. Why not? I take the smoke deep into my lungs and try not to cough.
This reminds me of the first proper night that we spent together. Our illicit night when I was still with Anthony. I was high and drunk and we made love all night long on the floor of the boat. I’d never been so reckless before and I revelled in every moment. I also found out just how much love I could feel for one person. If I had my time again, I wouldn’t change a thing.
Danny takes another drag and, after a while, says, ‘I’m not proud of myself.’
My insides turn to ice and the silence seems to stretch on and on until, finally, he speaks again.
‘I went to London thinking that I could dip my toe into that life again but remain above it all.’ He leans his head back against the side of the boat cabin. ‘I thought I’d moved on, that I was a better person than I’d been then. I thought I had the moral high ground covered and all that shit.’ He looks at me with sad eyes. ‘I was wrong, Fay.’
He pours us more shots while I try to find some platitudes and fail.
‘The reality is that the person I hated so much is right there under the surface.’ We knock back the shots in unison and, this time, I’m grateful for mine. ‘We went out, trailed from bar to bar, got leery drunk. We ended up at a seedy party. I don’t even know where. I did a couple of lines. I don’t even know what I was thinking. I wasn’t thinking. I was right back there. One of the boys again. An obnoxious twat. I behaved in a way I thought I’d left behind.’ He stares up at the sky. ‘I did things that I regret.’
When he says nothing more, I have to ask the question that’s burning in my brain. ‘Did you sleep with Sienna?’
It takes him a long time to answer. ‘No.’ He turns to me. ‘But it was on offer. I knew that.’
I’m sure he must be able to hear my heart thumping when I ask, ‘And you were tempted?’
Danny nods. ‘Yeah. I guess.’ He looks at the end of the joint as if the explanation is there. ‘I was completely wasted, out of my head. What can I say? After the party, we went back to her place. I could have stayed at Henry’s. I could have made that decision. But I didn’t.’
I try to push away the images that start to play out in my head. Danny’s lips on hers, his hands on her body, doing the things he does with me with someone else. ‘And then?’
Danny blows out a wavering breath. ‘Something clicked in my head and, thank God, I had a moment of lucidity and thought of all that I’ve got here, all that I value. And I didn’t. I didn’t do anything. I told Sienna how much I valued her as a friend and I slept on her sofa.’
I let out the breath that I’ve been holding, but my voice sounds shaky when I say, ‘That doesn’t seem too bad.’
He meets my eyes and I see regret and contrition. ‘It scared me how close I came to fucking everything up.’
Danny pulls me close and I take the joint from his fingers and draw the smoke down into my lungs as deep as I can before I nestle into his arms. ‘I’m glad you didn’t.’
‘Me too.’ Diggery whimpers in his sleep and Danny reaches out to stroke him. ‘I felt I owed you the truth, Fay. I never want to lie to you. I couldn’t not tell you.’
‘How did Sienna take it?’
He manages a rueful smile. ‘Not that well.’
I bet she had a bloody good go at changing his mind, but I don’t press him further. He’s been straight with me and I’m glad of that. Sort of.
‘When we were still relatively sober, Henry said he could fix me up with a job,’ Danny continues. ‘A six-month contract. Big money. Lots of zeroes on the end of the number. It’s more than I’d normally make in a year – maybe even two years.’
After his confession, it makes me nauseous to think that he might go back to that life.
‘I can’t take it though,’ Danny says. ‘I’d lose myself again. You have to be in that world to survive. I realised last night that I have the willpower of a fecking gnat.’
That makes me laugh and Danny smiles too. ‘You have to have a few flaws,’ I tell him.
‘I couldn’t bear it if I did anything to hurt you. I like to think that I’m a good man, do the right thing. It’s hard to realise that you have feet of clay.’
‘You’re human,’ I remind him. ‘We all do silly things sometimes. I wouldn’t be with you now if I hadn’t lost my head.’
He gives me a slow smile. ‘Crazy fool. Look where that got you.’
‘It got me the love of a wonderful man and a lifestyle that I love. I wouldn’t change it for the world. Maybe we all need to go a little crazy now and then.’
‘I love you,’ Danny says. ‘I don’t want to do anything to jeopardise that. This is the type of life, of relationship, I’ve always yearned for. I don’t know why I behaved as I did. I’m sorry.’
‘Let’s not talk about it any more.’ I stroke his arm. ‘Call it
an aberration.’
‘I did learn that I can’t split myself between two worlds. I’d end up totally schizo.’
‘I just want you to be happy – us to be happy.’
‘You don’t mind if I don’t take the job? I’m turning my back on a lot of money and I know how much we need it now.’
‘I’d rather have you here and be stony broke than doing something you’re not comfortable with.’ If I’m honest, I don’t want him going back there. ‘What we have is too good to lose. We’ll manage. Something will come up.’
He cups my face with his hand. ‘You know how much I love you?’
‘Of course I do.’
‘I want to be us, here, now, for ever.’
I turn and kiss his palm. ‘Sounds like a plan to me.’
‘Shall we drink to that?’
I nod. ‘Oh, how we’re going to struggle to get up in the morning.’
So we do another shot and Danny picks up his guitar and strums. A few Ed Sheeran numbers, then George Ezra and a couple of others that I don’t recognise. Then he sings one of my favourite Train songs, ‘Marry Me’. His voice is soft and clear and I hum along.
I feel that the crisis has passed and I can breathe again. I have to remember that Danny’s young and is going to make mistakes. Who doesn’t? I can live with that. I’m sure he’s learned a lesson from this. Me too.
When he’s finished, he puts his guitar to one side and, before I know it, he drops to his knee in front of me. He takes my hand in his.
‘Marry me, Fay,’ he says. ‘There’s no one else that I want to be with. I don’t even have a ring or anything. I hadn’t planned this. But marry me.’
Tears spring to my eyes. This is the last thing on earth that I expected. All of my life flashes before me, like a time-lapse film, all the hurt, the disappointment, flying away until I’m brought to this moment. Just me and Danny, my love, my soulmate. I feel as if fireworks are going off inside me and the power of speech has completely deserted me.
‘Say something,’ Danny urges.
I give a teary laugh. ‘Are you sure?’
‘I’ve never been more certain about anything.’
The floodgates are thrown open and I start to cry. ‘Yes,’ I sob. ‘Of course I will.’
We stand and hold each other tight in the tiny space of the well deck surrounded by Christmas lights. Diggery wakes up and barks with excitement even though he’s not sure why. I feel as if all my Christmases have come at once. The man that I love wants to make me his wife.
Then Danny kisses me and my head spins. The candles gutter in the breeze, the Christmas lights twinkle and the stars in the sky shine that little bit brighter. And I’m in Danny’s arms, where I always want to be.
Chapter Fifty
In the morning, I wake up and wonder if I’ve dreamed it all. Yet my thumping hangover tells me that I didn’t. Too much vodka, too much weed, too much love. Everything hurts. I try to lift my head from the pillow and fail. Danny is already awake and looking at me.
My tongue feels as if it has turned into a hairbrush overnight when I eventually manage to croak out, ‘Good morning.’
‘Good morning, the future Mrs Wilde,’ he says with a grin.
‘So you did mean it?’
‘Of course I bloody did!’ Danny says.
‘It wasn’t the vodka talking?’
He shakes his head. ‘I’ve been awake half the night thinking about it. Let’s do it right away. Now. Why wait? I’ll call the register office this morning and see when they can fit us in.’
My head is whirring and not just due to the excess of cheap alcohol. ‘There’s no rush, is there?’
‘No need to hang around either,’ he says, quite reasonably. ‘I want us to be married. I can’t have you changing your mind.’
‘I think that’s highly unlikely.’
‘It’ll have to be a small do,’ Danny says, face frowning in thought. ‘Something on here or at the house, if Lija’s up for it.’
‘That sounds fine to me.’ I never thought that I’d be one of those brides with a big church wedding and a Vera Wang dress. Small and cosy sounds perfect to me. I just want our friends to be with us, that’s all.
Danny jumps out of bed, all excited. Even in my half-sleepy state I laugh because I’ve never seen him like this before. ‘You’d think it was Christmas morning and you were five.’
He jumps back onto the bed next to me and kisses me again. ‘That’s exactly what I feel like,’ he says. ‘God, I could bounce all round the boat. That’s how I know this is right.’
I stroke his face. ‘I love you.’
‘And I’m the luckiest man alive.’ Then he bounds away and a moment later I hear him singing ‘Oh, What a Beautiful Mornin’’ – which I think, if my memory serves me right, is from the musical Oklahoma! Wherever it’s from, it’s now at top volume in the shower. Diggery crawls under the duvet.
When he’s showered, Danny brings me a cup of tea and a couple of slices of toast in bed. ‘Will I always get service like this when I’m Mrs Wilde?’
‘I want to be the best husband ever,’ he says.
‘Whatever you do, I know you will be.’
He sighs. ‘I have to get to work, but I’ll phone the register office this morning when I have my break.’
‘OK,’ I agree, part of me feeling as if I’m imagining all this.
When Danny’s gone, I haul myself out of bed too. I get ready for work without really knowing what the heck I’m doing, still stunned by the events of yesterday evening. As I walk up the garden from the boat, the grass white with frost, I have a definite spring in my step.
Swinging through the door, I feel like bursting into song myself. Lija and Rainbow are already there. I note that Lija is rubbing her back and I can see a small bump just starting to show. Brightly, I call out, ‘Morning!’
‘Fuck’s sake,’ Lija mutters. ‘You sound like Rainbow.’
She’s right. I do sound ridiculously cheerful, even to my own ears.
‘Is too much for a woman to cope with two Rainbows. What are you so happy about, anyway?’
I take a deep breath before I say, ‘Danny and I are going to get married.’
Lija stands stock-still and blinks a few times. On the other hand, Rainbow hurls herself across the kitchen at me. ‘OMG! I can’t believe it.’ I’m embraced in her floury arms. ‘A wedding! Oh man, you’re so lucky and EVERYTHING. Can I be BRIDESMAID? Can I? Can I?’
‘I guess so,’ I say, feeling overwhelmed. ‘We’re only going to have a small do, but I’d be delighted if you’d both be my bridesmaids.’
‘Squeeeeee!’ Rainbow says and tries to squeeze the life out of me before dancing round the table.
‘I do not want to be bridesmaid,’ Lija grumbles.
‘Oh, please,’ I beg. ‘For me.’
Lija glowers at me and holds up a hand. ‘There is NO way I am wearing pink satin dress.’
‘I hadn’t got that in mind. You can wear whatever you want. Doc Martens. Head-to-toe black.’
‘OK,’ she says, grudgingly. ‘I will be bridesmaid.’
‘I’ll wear pink satin,’ Rainbow says. ‘That’d be COOL. I don’t mind what I wear.’
‘I don’t think that will be necessary. We’re on a really tight budget though so, the minute I know when Danny’s organised a date, why don’t we all take a trip to the nearest charity shop and choose something?’
Lija shrugs that my suggestion is acceptable. Then she comes and gives me one of her hug-not-hugs where she tries to embrace you without really touching you.
‘I am happy for you,’ she says and then bursts into tears. Pushing away from me, she pulls herself a piece of kitchen roll and blows her nose noisily into it. ‘I am happy,’ she reiterates, crying again. ‘Flipping hormones.’
It must be difficult seeing me all excited about my wedding when her man is somewhere out there on the canal not even knowing that he’s the father of her child. I should have been more thought
ful. ‘He’ll be back,’ I say to her. ‘I know he will.’
‘You know nothing, Fay Happyshit.’ Her chin juts out defiantly when she says, ‘I couldn’t care less whether he comes back or not.’
But she does. I know she does. She’s like a hurt child herself. ‘This will all work out fine. I’m sure of it.’
‘You are getting more like her all the time.’ Lija tuts and nods towards Rainbow. ‘Princes. Romance. Sparkles. Unicorns. Love, love, love. Pah!’
Rainbow is standing there beaming widely, hands clasped, looking all dreamy. I suppress my grin. Lija’s probably right.
‘When are we having this wedding?’ Lija asks. ‘I don’t want to be fat as house bridesmaid.’
‘Soon. As soon as possible. Danny’s going to try to book it this morning.’
At that Rainbow lets out an ear-piercing, ‘Squeeeeeee!’ and does yet another happy dance round the kitchen. It’s making me giddy just watching her. ‘I’ve never been a bridesmaid. All my dreams have come true! Can I tell EVERYONE?’
‘Yes.’
‘Whoop-whoop!’ She pushes her hands in the air and circles the kitchen table. Lija and I ignore her. ‘Whoop-whoop!’
‘We’re just having a few friends so we thought it could be on The Dreamcatcher or maybe here, if you don’t mind?’
‘Is your house,’ she says, flatly. ‘It would be my pleasure.’
‘Thank you.’ I go to hug her again, but she takes a step backwards. ‘I love you. I want this to be fun for you.’
‘Is wedding,’ she says. ‘Of course it will be fun. Have you told Stinky Stan yet?’
‘No. I came straight here.’
‘He has not had breakfast. You take it. Try not to give him heart attack.’
But Stan will be overjoyed for me. I know he will.
Lija purses her lips. ‘You have not told Edie either?’
‘No.’ I shake my head.
‘Are you going to?’