“Leave her alone. Stay away from us.” I hang up before she can get another word in. I toss the phone on the counter like it burned me, biting out a curse before I turn to see Reverie standing in the hallway, her damp hair pulled into a ponytail, wearing yesterday’s sundress, clutching her hands in front of her.
Shit. How much did she hear? Hopefully none of it.
“Hey,” I say softly, starting to approach her. “You ready to go?”
“Who were you talking to?” She shifts from one foot to the other, nibbling on her lower lip.
“No one,” I say dismissively.
“You sounded pretty angry for it to be no one.” I stop right before her and she tilts her head back, her gaze meeting mine. “Who was it Nick?”
“I told you. No one important,” I insist, nerves eating at my gut. She must’ve heard plenty. I don’t want to tell her the truth. She might freak out.
“It was Krista,” she says quietly, her expression emotionless. “I heard you say her name.”
Dread sweeps over me. “Why did you ask when you knew all along?” I thrust both hands in my hair and hold the back of my head in frustration. I’m pissed. Frustrated. Not at Reverie but at myself. And Krista. Everything’s coming to a head and there’s nothing I can do to stop it.
She flinches. “You don’t have to yell at me.”
“I’m not—” I drop my hands and blow out a harsh breath. I can’t deny I’m yelling because I totally am. “Look, I need to get you home. Are you ready?”
“Why did you tell her to stay away from us? Is she threatening you? Threatening me? I’m not scared of her and you shouldn’t be either.” She reaches out and grabs hold of my hand in both of hers. “Is there something you’re not telling me? Be honest with me, Nick. That’s all I want. All I ask for. Please.”
I stare at her, my stomach churning. I can’t tell her the truth. Not like this. She’ll hate me. Or worse, be disgusted by me. Disappointed. “There’s nothing to tell,” I lie.
She’s eerily quiet as she studies me. “Why did you tell her to leave us alone then?”
“Because she’s a jealous bitch who’s mad that I found someone else,” I practically spit out.
“Why is she jealous? I thought you two broke up a while ago.”
I blow out an exasperated breath. I can’t keep hiding this from her. She’ll keep badgering until I give her something. “Fine, you wanna know my little secret? I hooked up with Krista over a month ago. It was nothing. It meant nothing. But I guess she thought it meant we were together again. I don’t know.”
Reverie’s eyes widen and she drops my hand, taking a step back. “You had—you had sex with her a month ago?” Her voice is small, her eyes wide.
I feel mean. Backed into a corner and I don’t like it. I don’t want to hurt Reverie’s feelings but she’s giving me no choice. “Yeah. I made a mistake. I do that sometimes you know.” More like a lot of the time. As in right now. “Sorry to shatter any illusions you might’ve had about me but guess what? I’m not perfect.” I’m reminded of our conversation last night, all the perfect talk and what she said. Just a big sham if you ask me. None of us are perfect, least of all me.
She flinches again, the hurt expression on her face unmistakable. “You don’t have to be so mean about it,” she murmurs.
I can’t win for trying, I swear to God. I immediately feel like shit. “Are you ready to go or what?”
“Let me grab my purse.” She lifts her chin, looking both defiant and sad. I ache to draw her in my arms and tell her I’m sorry. Bury my face in her hair and breathe deep her sweet unique scent. Let it wash over me and ease my anger over Krista.
And how scared I am to tell Reverie the truth.
But I don’t. Instead I go to my room, throw on some clothes, slip on shoes and grab my keys.
Dear Diary,
(July 28th, 3 p.m.) I don’t know what to say. What started out as an amazing night turned into the worst morning ever. I thought what Nick and I shared last night meant something to him. I know it meant something to me. We practically had sex. I’ve seen him naked. He’s seen me naked. We did things to each other that I’ve never, ever done to anyone else. It was the most amazing experience of my life. I had zero regrets. None. I know what we did was a sin but when you love someone so much, it can’t be wrong.
Or so I told myself.
Daylight makes everything different. You can lose yourself in the darkness. It’s so easy. Forget all your troubles and become someone else. Darkness and secrets go hand in hand. When the darkness fades and the secret comes to light, there’s no turning back.
So in the morning I actually faced what I’d done and had some…regret? No, that’s not the right word. I had an attack of guilt. My parents finally trust me again and look at what I’m doing? Sneaking around with a boy they probably wouldn’t approve of at face value, though if they just got to know him they’d see how truly wonderful he is…
I want to trust Nick but he acted so weird. And then when I heard him on the phone yelling at that stupid tramp Krista…I didn’t know what to think. Is he still seeing her? Why does he feel so connected to her? I don’t understand the link that they share.
I’m so confused. Love shouldn’t be like this right? It’s supposed to be pure and beautiful and all encompassing. Not ugly and hurtful. I feel like Nick is still keeping secrets from me but I don’t know what they are. Something more than his having sex with Krista a month ago. I’m sure of it.
Even writing those words hurts my heart so bad. I hate that he’s had sex with other girls. I hate that this Krista girl is still in his life. I want her gone. I wish she didn’t even exist. Our lives would be so much easier without her around.
The entire drive back to my place Nick was quiet. So was I. He dropped me off and didn’t give me a kiss. Didn’t want to make plans for later. Nothing. I entered my number in his cell phone when we first got into his truck but other than that, nothing really happened.
Let’s see if Nick texts or calls me. I can’t call him so I’m completely dependent on him making the next move. I don’t like that.
At all.
When I walked into the house, Evan was sitting at the kitchen counter, the look of amusement on his face hard to miss. He asked in that dry, sarcastic tone of his that I sometimes hate if I was playing around with the help.
I sent him a dirty look but didn’t answer. Just went up to my room and closed the door. Then I had a good, long cry in the shower.
Mama and Daddy will be home tomorrow. I wonder if Evan will tell on me. I wonder if my guilt will become too overwhelming and I’ll end up telling on myself. I don’t know. I’m so conflicted.
Maybe I need to pray. Maybe I need to talk to Evan, though he’ll probably just laugh at me and give me bad advice. Our relationship hasn’t been very strong lately and I’m scared to tell him what I did.
I don’t know what to do.
I guess I have to wait and see what happens.
Evil: morally wrong or bad
July 30th
She’s late. I’m pacing back and forth in my living room, waiting for her to arrive, getting madder as every minute passes by. I don’t want to do this. I’d rather pretend it never happened but I can’t ignore it.
If I want to get back in Reverie’s good graces, I need to face my troubles head on. This is the first step.
When the knock finally sounds on my door, I rush to answer it, throwing open the door so quick, Krista’s hand is still raised, her hand in a fist.
“Wow. That was fast.” She smirks. “Are you that happy to see me?”
I roll my eyes, not in the mood for her games and sexual innuendos. “Come in,” I say gruffly, opening the door wider.
She strides inside, her hips swishing, the denim mini skirt she’s wearing hanging so low I swear it’s gonna fall off. The bracelets stacked on her left wrist jangle loudly in the otherwise quiet of my apartment and she turns to face me as I shut the door, the smile on her
face huge.
I know she thinks she’s won. She probably believes I’m her prize and she’s come to claim it. I don’t want to be mean and I don’t want to hurt her feelings but I can’t let this go on any longer. She can’t be my friend, my hookup on the side, my ex-girlfriend, none of it. I need her out of my life before she ruins it completely. What’s scary is she has that power and I think she knows it.
“Looking good as usual Nicky.” She snaps her gum. “I like what you’ve done with your hair. The messy look works for you.”
I don’t bother saying anything, not even a thank you, which is what she wants. “We need to talk.”
Her smile fades and she slowly shakes her head, the oversized double hoop earrings she’s wearing clanking. “Talking’s overrated. Let’s get naked.”
Jesus, she’s persistent. “That’s never going to happen.”
“It’s happened before.” She rushes me, her hands going to my hips, fingers hooking into the belt loops of my jeans. “And it can definitely happen again. You know you miss me. After seeing that little virgin you had over, I’m not surprised you were bored. Or is she here and you called me over to play? You know I’m game for anything, Nicky. Anything.”
I’m disgusted. What happened to this girl I’ve known since we were little kids? She’s become this predatory creature who uses sex to get whatever she wants. She’s nothing like the Krista I remember from fifth grade, who was sweet and fun and always up for a little trouble.
Nothing.
Her fingers brush against the skin of my stomach and I shove her away from me hard, disgusted by her touch. She takes a staggering step backward, her expression full of shock. “Asshole! What the hell are you doing?” she screams.
“Don’t insult her,” I mutter. “You know nothing about her.”
“I know enough to figure out exactly who she is.” The triumphant smirk is back. “Reverie Hale. The Reverend Hale’s daughter, who just so happens to be your boss.” She slowly shakes her head, making a tsking noise. “You’re one crazy motherfucker, you know that? Screwing around with a girl who’s practically a saint? What happened last night when you felt her up? Did her angel wings pop out of her back when you took her shirt off?”
Shit, shit, shit. This changes everything. I don’t know what to say. I don’t know what to freaking do. “How…” My voice trails off and I clamp my lips shut, afraid I might say too much and Krista will use it against me.
“Google is my best friend, though I had my suspicions when I saw her. I knew I recognized her from something, I just couldn’t place it at first.” Her smile returns and she clasps her hands in front of her in mock delight. “Did you know that when I was little, my mom watched Reverend Hale’s show all the time? I was fascinated with the daughter. I thought she was so pretty, with her perfect little dresses and her long blond hair. She wore a different dress and matching ribbons in her hair every Sunday. I was so jealous.”
Just my fucking luck. What are the odds that Krista’s mom was a Hale disciple? “You recognized her.”
“I sure did! Unbelievable right?” She exhales a dreamy little sigh. “I used to think her big brother was hot. Is he still hot?”
I make a face. “I don’t know. I don’t check out dudes.”
“Right. Of course you don’t.” She waves a hand. “Well, whatever. Evander Hale will just have to remain my not-so-secret dream boyfriend. And Reverie Hale—such a stupid name by the way—is your real life girlfriend. How exciting is that? What do her parents think of you? Are they happy their little girl found true love?”
I say nothing. Krista already knows the answers anyway.
“Wait a minute, are you telling me they don’t know you two are involved? Ooh, that changes everything. The daughter messing around with one of the summer employees—a guy originally implicated in a murder case—well, they’d probably flip the fuck out, right? That’s some major scandal right there, yo.”
“Krista,” I warn but she’s on a roll. She completely ignores my protest.
“So you have a secret. One you need kept.” Her eyes go round and so does her mouth. She reminds me of an owl. “Actually you have a couple of secrets don’t you Nicky? You’d think Google was her best friend like it’s mine. She could enter your name and bam, find out everything in a matter of seconds. It’s a wondrous thing, that Google. Though she doesn’t need Google at all if she has me calling her and telling her everything. Or maybe I could tell the Hales how you two are together…so many possibilities!”
Reverie didn’t have her phone until a few days ago. I’ve never seen her with a laptop, at a computer, nothing. What if she does Google me?
I’m fucked, that’s what.
“I’ve filled your head with so much information, I’m sure you have a lot to think about tonight.” She approaches me, patting me on the chest before she curls her fingers, her nails digging into my skin. I jump back from her with a curse and she smiles benignly. “I suggest you sleep on it and approach me with a solution tomorrow. What do you think? We meet same time, same place?”
What am I going to do? How can I fix this?
You can tell Reverie the truth.
Hell. No. Not yet. I’m not ready. She’s mad at me. I let her know I’ve been in jail and she’ll really hate me. I can’t risk it.
“Fine.” I blow out a frustrated breath. “We’ll meet tomorrow.”
“Perfect,” she practically purrs. She takes a step toward me, grips my shirt in her fist and pulls, planting a quick kiss on my lips. “See you tomorrow.”
She practically runs out, slamming the door behind her. I can still hear the jangle of her jewelry, her overpowering scent lingering in the living room. I wipe the back of my hand across my mouth, like I can rid the evidence of her kiss.
I can’t erase it though. Can’t erase what she said to me either. It’s like her words are on repeat in my head, reminding me how much of a mess I’m in. How hard it’s going to be to climb out of it.
When I was released from jail, I felt like a man reborn. I was given a second chance and I planned on doing things right. No more mistakes. No more making stupid choices. I made that promise to myself.
Here I am a few months later and I’m no better than I was before I was arrested and falsely accused of a crime I didn’t commit. I think I’m actually in worst shape, minus my time in jail, which was the most fucked up period of my life.
I’ll never learn. Krista was right. I can’t escape where I came from. I can’t escape her. I need to remember where I belong. Here. In this stupid apartment, in this stupid town, with that stupid girl who’ll do whatever it takes to sink her claws in me and never let me go.
I need to remember this.
No matter how badly I want to forget.
Dear Diary,
(July 31st, 6:58 p.m.) Mama and Daddy came home and I was so glad to see them. I always feel anxious when they go out of town because it doesn’t happen very often. I’m not used to it. The sense of relief I feel when I hear their voices as they walk through the door is overpowering every single time.
I thought I would feel differently this time around, with the guilt hanging over me after what I’ve done with Nicholas, but I didn’t. I ran toward Daddy when I first saw him, wrapping him in such a huge, clinging hug he laughed with surprise and held me tight. Then murmured close to my ear how much he loved me and missed my smile.
It felt good. Reassuring. I’ve said a lot of prayers since what happened with Nick. Had a lot of conversations with God, searching for answers but not really finding any besides my ever present guilt. I love Nick. That I don’t doubt for a minute. What happened between us felt good and right and so wonderful, I never wanted it to stop.
But in the eyes of the Lord, what we did was wrong. It was a sin. I made a promise and I broke it. I was no longer pure. I fell asleep crying, my heart aching with confusion and remorse. I hated feeling so conflicted.
This morning though, I woke up feeling cleansed. Ready to face anythi
ng and everything. I steeled myself, waiting for the blow. For the confrontation. For the big speech they would give me, how they would ground me, take away my phone forever and hold me prisoner in my room for the rest of the summer.
None of that happened. Mama ignored me and Daddy seemed distracted. He locked himself up in his study the moment he came home. Mama poured herself a giant glass of wine and sat out on the patio alone, clutching her cell phone tight as she talked intently for well over an hour to someone. I don’t know who.
She didn’t even say hello.
Evan took off the moment he realized they weren’t paying him any attention. I’m in my room by the open window, staring at the night sky, wishing I was anywhere else.
Wishing I was with Nick.
I might’ve entered my number in his phone but I didn’t get his. What a mistake. Now I can’t get a hold of him. I have to wait for him to reach out to me. But he was so mad when he dropped me off, I don’t know if that’s ever going to happen.
So I wait. My night with Nick still vivid in my mind, my body tired, my spirit defeated.
Was he just using me? Maybe I was a novelty for him to toy with. The famous reverend’s daughter who’d never been kissed. Never had a boyfriend. The poor, naïve girl he could easily trick into his bed.