Ah, damn. Her confession is exactly what I wasn’t looking for. Loving her will only end up hurting us both. I know it. She probably knows it too though she’d never admit it.
“Say something,” she whispers after a few minutes of silence. She sounds scared.
“I want you too,” I immediately answer, sitting up so I can reach for her. My words are a copout but I can’t say I love her. Not yet. I feel too raw, too vulnerable yet I’m not the one standing practically naked declaring my feelings for someone like Reverie is.
Christ, I’m such an asshole.
She drops her arms as I grasp her hips and pull her to me, pressing my face against her soft belly. I kiss her there, just above her navel, and her body trembles beneath my lips. I can smell her, feel her, and all I want to do is make her mine.
All mine.
She thrusts her fingers into my hair, holding me to her almost desperately. As if she’s afraid I might run away. “You touch me and I want to die. You don’t touch me and I want to die. My feelings for you confuse me so much. It…scares me. You scare me in the best way possible.”
“You scare me too,” I admit. “You walked into my life and turned it completely upside down.”
A little laugh escapes her as she relaxes her grip on me and gently combs my hair with her fingers. I close my eyes, reveling in her touch. It feels so good. So fucking right. “You did the same to me you know,” she agrees softly.
I’m quiet as I smooth my hands down her back, settling them right above her ass. I want to grab her and pull her on top of me but that she’s even standing in my arms with my face pressed against her naked stomach is pretty major. One wrong move and I could have her leaping out of my arms and telling me to stop. I don’t want to ruin this moment.
“This probably shouldn’t have happened. The two of us,” she says, her sweet voice full of such heartache I can feel my own crack heart in two. One half is mine and the other irrevocably belongs to her.
I tighten my hands on her hips, my trembling fingers curling into the flimsy waistband of her panties as I drift my lips across her skin from one sharp hipbone to the other. Her fragrant skin, the unmistakable scent of her is an intoxicating mix I can’t resist.
“Maybe we shouldn’t have happened but we did,” I murmur against her hip before I do what I’ve been wanting to do for the last five minutes and pull her down on top of me. She’s straddling my hips, her knees bent, my body sandwiched between her legs. “There’s no going back now, Reverie.” I wait for her to protest, to back out, to tell me no. I’ve been told no more times in my life than I can count. What I want, I rarely get.
But she doesn’t say no. She doesn’t push me away, slide off me, nothing like that. She’s smiling. She’s touching me. Her hands feel good on my skin. Her breath is warm and sweet and drifts across my cheek as she speaks.
“I don’t want to go back. Not if that means I can’t have you in my life.” She slowly grinds her body against mine, reminding me that she’s almost naked while I’m completely clothed. “I’m falling in love with you,” she whispers just before she kisses me. “I know you’re probably not ready to say it to me yet but that’s okay. I’m patient. I know you’ll see that we belong together.”
Her words slay me. I want to say those three words back to her so bad but I…can’t. I feel like a wimp. I can’t man up and tell her how I feel and it’s the lamest thing ever. Why am I so scared? Why am I so afraid something shitty will happen between us and that we’ll both end up fucked over completely?
If I ever did something to hurt her, I would never be able to forgive myself.
“You’re killing me,” I whisper against her lips before I devour them in a hungry, never ending kiss. She doesn’t even hesitate, just returns my kiss with equal enthusiasm. I’m hard as a rock, my hands are touching her like I have no control of them and as I pull her down on the bed, her body spread over mine, my hands beneath her panties, gripping her ass, my fingers descending between her legs, I know.
I’m done for. The two of us are in this all the way.
All the fucking way.
Dear Diary,
(August 1, 3:12 a.m.) I can’t sleep. Nick left the house a half hour ago. I watched him walk across the lawn and down the driveway until I couldn’t see him anymore. I made him text me when he got to his truck. I made him text me again when he got home. I called him as soon as I got the text, desperate to hear his voice, needing to tell him I love him.
But I chickened out on the love thing. I told him once already and he didn't say it in return. I’m sort of okay with that. I know he’s not ready. Me, on the other hand…I thought my chest was going to burst wide open, I needed to tell him how I felt so badly. I’m glad I said it.
What happened tonight changes everything. My feelings for Nicholas Fairfield are even stronger now. I love him so much. I know every inch of his body and he knows mine. He took my virginity. We’re connected now. No one can tear us apart.
No one.
I don’t understand why he worries so much about not being worthy of me. He acts like he’s a criminal or something. So he’s poor. So what? He works hard and has the kindest heart. He’s so thoughtful. It sounds like his mother was a wonderful woman. She must’ve been, to raise a good boy like Nick. He’s also so incredibly beautiful. His face. His hair. His eyes. Those lips. And his hands…I love the way he touches me. How careful he is with me. Almost as if he cherishes me and our time together.
He’s perfect for me. Perfect.
But I know my parents won’t agree. Daddy and Mama want only the best for me so their expectations are extremely high. It will be hard for any guy to meet their exacting standards, least of all the boy who worked for them all summer. A boy who is unsavory, at least according to Daddy and Mama. I still haven’t figured out what exactly makes Nicholas so unsavory. Regardless, my parents won’t understand why I like him. Why I want him to be mine.
He’s already mine. They might not approve but I’ll be eighteen in a year. Then I can do whatever I want. Be with whoever I want.
Maybe once they see how sweet Nick really is, they’ll get it. They’ll accept him. I can only hope they’ll see how good he is to me because he is. He’s the best thing to ever happen to me.
Ever.
I keep the little bottle of dreams on my nightstand so I can look at it every night before I go to sleep. I wish for good dreams, where Nick comes to me in them and he does, sometimes. And when I wake up in the morning, that bottle is the first thing I see.
I love what he made me, and what it represents. It’s me and him and us together. If we believe enough in the dream, we can make it come true right? I’m a dreamer and so is he.
I’m just trying my best to live up to my name.
Panic: a sudden overwhelming fear
August 5th
The shit had to hit the fan sometime right? We couldn’t expect to keep on sneaking around and not get caught. It was always in the back of my mind, that her parents would find us kissing behind the stables. Whispering together on the far side of the house. Or worse…wrapped around each other, naked and in her bed in the middle of the night.
Yeah. That’s the scenario that scared me the most. She’s snuck me up into her room three times in the last five days. My girl is insatiable. She can’t get enough and I feel the same because the moment I taste her lips I want more. I see a flash of skin and I want to strip her completely. I’m desperate to hear her tell me she needs me, even more desperate to watch her fall apart because of the way I touch her, kiss her…
I have never, ever felt like this.
Ever.
She wants to be with me all the time too. Not like I can play it cool and resist her. I’m just as eager. I see her and I start smiling. I hear her name and everything inside of me tenses up, anticipating her nearness. I hear her voice and a buzz starts under my skin, ready for her touch.
Not even Krista can ruin my buzz. We had that meeting she wanted the next day. The d
ay after I had sex with Reverie for the first time. I was on such a love high that Krista’s threats meant nothing. I told her to go ahead and tell the Hales everything. Hell, I practically dared her. Like they’d believe her. Like she could even figure out a way to get in contact with them. The girl is lazy. She has zero ambition. She yelled and made a big scene on my doorstep when I pushed her out but I shut the door on her. Acted like she didn't even exist.
That seemed to work.
Just because everything seems fine doesn’t mean it is. There was an underlying tension bubbling in Hale House that we weren’t even aware of at first. Reverie sensed it that one night when her parents came home after being out of town, but after that, she never noticed it again. That’s because she was too wrapped up in me.
And I was too wrapped up in her.
“Something is going down and it’s not good,” Michael says to me in the middle of the afternoon when we’re taking a break. We’re sitting under a giant tree out on the property, guzzling water and trying to cool down. He’d mowed the lawn and I’d worked the weed eater along the fence line. There’s a hell of a lot of lawn and fence line on the property so we were exhausted and hot. Early August is the hottest part of summer and after working out in it, we’re drained of energy.
“What do you mean?” I finish off the last of my water and toss the empty bottle back into the open ice chest we like to bring with us.
“The Hales are acting weird. The reverend holes up in his office all day and all night. Valerie refused to get out of bed today. Heather says all she does is cry.” Michael shrugs one shoulder. “It’s weird.”
“Huh. I haven’t noticed.” Because I’m too focused on my girl to worry about what’s going on with anyone else. Michael and I don't see each other as much lately but he doesn’t care because he’s spending all his free time with Heather.
“Really? Have you talked with your girl Rev? You’d think she’d know what’s up with her family quietly freaking out.”
My body tenses. I don't like talking about Reverie with Michael even though he knows we’re together. It’s fairly obvious and I don’t bother denying it. I want to trust him but the guy has a big mouth and Reverie’s already been burned by Heather once. He tells his girlfriend one thing too much and she’d probably go straight to Valerie. Then we’d be over. Finished. “She hasn’t mentioned anything specific.”
“So she feels the tension too.”
I guess she did. We tried not to talk about her parents too much. “Yeah, but she has no idea what’s going on. They don’t tell her anything.” I lean against the tree trunk and stare into the distance. What if it’s something about us? About me and Reverie? Could they have found out about us sneaking around and seeing each other behind their backs? If that was the case, why haven’t they fired my ass yet? Wouldn’t that be the first thing they’d want to do, to get me away from their precious and now not-so-innocent daughter?
“I think it has something to do with the reverend’s empire. The Flock of the Lambs or whatever they’re called. I think the flock is rebelling dude. Or it’s bleeding money and they’re slowly going broke to the point that there’ll be nothing but a bunch of little dead lambs everywhere,” Michael says, his voice lowering. I can tell he’s joking but his expression is so serious. He lives for this kind of shit though. He loves gossip of any kind. It’s why him and Heather go so well together. She feeds him information and he enjoys every second of it.
“You really think they’re going broke?” Concern makes me stare hard at that monstrosity known as Hale House in the near distance. It’s fucking humongous and worth a fortune. And it’s not even their regular home. It’s only their vacation home. God knows what their other house is like. I know that they’re surrounded by opulence and wealth. Reverie doesn’t want for anything and neither does her brother. Valerie Hale is spoiled rotten. Reverend Hale wears a Rolex and a diamond pinky ring, which is cheesy as hell but whatever. These people are rolling in money and they have no problem letting others know it either.
“If his TV show isn’t making any money and his other sources of income are drying up, sure. I know his congregation or whatever you want to call them send him donations all the time but that’s not considered income. He can’t touch any of that money.” Michael reaches into the ice chest and pulls out an apple, sinking his teeth into it with a loud crack.
My appetite flees as I think of Reverie. What would she do if her parents lost all their money? She goes to some fancy all-girls high school. I bet the tuition for that place is a fortune. And her brother goes to a private college, drives a ridiculously expensive car and lives in his own place that I can only assume is funded by their parents.
“Good thing the summer season is almost over, right bro?” Michael continues, laughing when I send him a withering stare. “We can bail out of here with our paychecks and not worry too much. Though I’m gonna be pissed if I lose this gig next summer. I was planning for it to be my last one before I graduate for good and never come back here.”
I can’t even joke right now. All I can think of is Reverie and what she might know, which I’m going to assume is not much. I pull my cell phone out of the back pocket of my jeans and send her a quick text, my heart racing as I tap out every letter.
Are you all right?
I wait impatiently for her reply, thankful Michael isn’t eager to get back to work. Considering it’s hot as hell, the both of us are completely zapped of energy.
I’m okay. Just had an argument with my mom tho.
Frowning, I answer her.
What’s going on? Why did you two argue?
“Texting your lover girl?” Michael asks in a sing song voice. He sounds fucking ridiculous and normally I would laugh but I’m not in the mood.
“Shut the hell up,” I mutter as I wait for her answer.
“Sensitive much?” he taunts but I ignore him.
She’s been a mess and I don't know why. She gets upset for no reason. She started yelling at me when I said I didn't want to go home early.
My heart drops when I see the last few words she typed.
“They want to leave early,” I say out loud.
“Who? The Hales?” When I nod Michael continues. “Well, that’s total bullshit. Who told you that?”
“Reverie,” I murmur as I answer her text, my heart pounding so loud it causes a roaring in my ears.
Your parents want to go home early? How early?
“Damn it, I was counting on at least two more paychecks coming in. This is utter crap,” Michael mutters.
They want to leave in the next few days. ☹
Shit, shit, shit.
“Listen bro, I gotta go,” I say, pushing up to my feet and brushing off the back of my jeans. I’m covered in dried bits of grass and smudges of dirt. I’m a sweaty mess and I still have two more hours on the clock before I can leave but fuck it.
I need to find Reverie.
“Where are you going? You need to tell me what’s up, man.” Michael stands as well, concern written all over his expressive face. He’s losing something too if the Hales leave early. He counts on this summer job every year to help pay his college tuition. He’s not a broke joke like me but his parents are standard middle class, hard working people. And Michael is just trying to do the expected thing and follow in their footsteps.
“I need to go talk to her and find out what’s really going on.” I turn to face Michael. “Heather’s never mentioned anything like this? Not a word on leaving early?”
“No way.” Michael shakes his head. “And I would be the first one she would tell too. At least I hope I would be. She’s losing something too you know. This job is as important to her as it is to us. She’s saving up all her pennies for college.”
“It could be all talk. I don’t know,” I say. “Her parents’ way of scaring her into thinking they’re leaving?” But why would they do that unless they suspected we have something going on, and if they did suspect, then why not just fire my
ass and be done with it?
“Who knows man? As soon as you find something out, will you let me know?” Michael runs a hand through his hair, sending bits of dried grass flying. “Now I’m nervous. I don’t want this job to end early. I need every dollar I can make.”
“I’ll keep you posted, don’t worry. Cover for me?” I ask as I start backing away from him.
“You know it. Text me when you find out anything.”
“Will do.” I say before I turn and break out into a run toward Hale House. My concern isn’t about money though. Yeah, I need it. And I definitely didn’t plan on having to find another job so soon, but I can suffer through that.
What I can’t suffer through is losing Reverie too early. I’d been counting on seeing her through most of August. Spending time with her in her room, out at the beach, at her little clearing among the pine trees. Wherever we can meet, whatever bits of time together we can manage, I wanted. Needed. I just need her.
I’m in love with her. Just the thought of losing Reverie…I don’t know what I’ll do. This moment was coming, I’ve known it all along, but I didn’t expect it to happen so fast.
Michael’s right. Something is definitely going on with the Hales. I just wish I knew what the hell it was.
“Aren’t you supposed to be working?” Reverie asks in a teasing voice as soon as she walks into the stables and sees me feeding one of the horses a carrot.
Relief floods me at how normal she’s acting, how normal she looks. She’s wearing those little denim shorts that turn me on like nothing else and a hot pink T-shirt, her hair in a sloppy bun on top of her head, wisps of blond hair falling around her face.