She looked over her shoulder at me.
‘I’m a friend of your daughter. Alison. Can I have a word?’
She’d not stopped when I first spoke, but now she turned to look at me.
‘You’re very young for a friend,’ she said. ‘Do you go to her school?’
She had me sorted, first glance.
‘Can I have a word?’ I said again.
She looked up at the station clock hanging over the platform. ‘I came to see my daughter.’ She raised her eyebrows slightly, as if she was daring me to produce a reason worth her time.
‘It’s Ali I wanted to speak to you about.’ She looked back up at the clock. You’d have thought just me turning up unexpectedly and asking would make her curious enough, but she really looked on the verge of walking off and leaving me. ‘You really ought to know,’ I said.
‘Know what?’ she asked at once.
‘I can’t tell you here,’ I said. She pulled a face, but I had her now. ‘There’s a Costa Coffee over there,’ I said. She pursed her lips and led the way there.
So where do you start? ‘Well, I’ve been sleeping with your daughter but I want to chuck her now and I can’t, so will you do it for me?’
I began with all the stuff about her being depressed and doing her wrists. That was the angle, you see. She was in trouble, I was worried about her, didn’t know what to do. All that. Which was the truth – just not the whole truth. I mean, she was in a mess, and I was worried about her, but I was more worried about me. I wasn’t the knight on a white charger. I was there for me. What a bastard. Well, OK. Being a bastard was all I had left.
Then she started asking questions and out it all came – Ali and me, teacher and pupil, having an affair. I wasn’t happy about it, I said, but I couldn’t see how to stop it since she was so … Well, what word do you use to someone about their daughter? Unstable, I said, and she almost hissed at me. I felt like a bigger and bigger shit every word I said. Because I was.
At last I ran out of things to say. She had pretty well the whole picture, or enough for her to fill in the gaps anyway. She sat there with her coffee cup in front of her – she’d bought for us both – and looked at me. I was waiting to see which way it was going to go. I was still hoping she’d understand me, I suppose.
‘Young man,’ she said, ‘you have a lot to answer for.’
And I was surprised. I really was. I should have known, but I just wasn’t expecting it.
‘Me? What have I done?’ I said, and I sounded like a whiny little schoolboy even to my own ears.
‘Alison is a very vulnerable young woman and you’ve taken advantage of her.’
‘Me?’ I said again. I couldn’t believe it. ‘But I’m her pupil. She’s my teacher.’
‘Yes, every schoolboy’s dream, I expect. Having an affair with an attractive young teacher. I suppose you had a great time boasting to all your mates about it.’ She said ‘mates’ as if it was in inverted commas.
She began to get up. I was steaming. It was so unfair!
‘But she was in charge,’ I told her.
‘Alison was never in charge of anything in her life,’ she scoffed. And you know what – that pissed me off. All right, I know I was being dishonest in a lot of ways, and I know I should have just chucked her on my own, and I know … I know there’s loads of things I should have done that I didn’t do. And I know I was there for myself and not her, even though she was the one in trouble. But still. This was her bloody mother, and to her, Ali was just as big a piece of shit as I was. I was shit for taking advantage of her precious daughter, and Ali was shit for not being able to look after herself. I began to get a glimpse of why Ali hated her so much. I really wanted to tell her what I thought of her, but I couldn’t get the words out so I just grinned.
‘I’m glad you find it funny,’ she sniffed.
‘Mrs Young,’ I said. ‘Your daughter …’ Suddenly I was so furious I just wanted to, you know, really hurt her. Or force her to understand. I wanted to say, Well, if she’s fucked up, who fucked her up in the first place? But – what was the point? I just shut my mouth. Anything I had to say was just going to make it worse. The old bitch was going to go round and turn Ali into a lobotomy case all over again. I’d already given her the ammunition to do it, I wasn’t going to make it worse than I had to.
I got up to leave. ‘I didn’t have to tell you,’ I told her. ‘I could have told the school.’
Mrs Young looked at me like I was an earthworm. ‘Yes, and ruined her career for her. Well, you needn’t worry about that. She won’t be going back there.’ And she said it with such confidence, I was sure she was right. She turned to go, and then glanced back.
‘You are going to make some young woman very, very unhappy one day. I’m just glad I came to get my daughter in time.’ And then she left, leaving me standing there with my mouth open, feeling like I’d just been discovered eating shit in public.
So – how big a bastard am I? Not in the way her mum was making out, though. I don’t give a toss what she thinks of me. I suppose Ali is her little girl and I’m just another bloke who came along, shagged her and then dumped her when she was in trouble. What I did was about the worst thing I could have done to Ali. Her lobotomy-mother. There she is feeling hurt and vulnerable and suicidal, and I set the beast loose. Her worst nightmare. I suppose, really, the right thing to do was what Jonathon said – just wait and sit it out. Maybe I’d have been a better person if I’d done that. But – you’ve got to look after yourself, haven’t you? Jon would have sat and waited, but not because he’s a better person – because he’d be too scared to do anything else. Ali would have come out of it better, but he’d have suffered more. I suppose I could say, Well, maybe this’ll teach her a lesson, maybe she won’t do the same thing next time and all that. But I don’t believe all that. It was her or me, and no way was it going to be me, that’s all. I don’t mind taking my share, but no way was I going to just sit there and wait until she was ready to throw me away, thanks a lot.
So I don’t feel proud about what I did, but you know what? I’d do it again. If that means I’m a bastard, then that’s what I am. You can’t always be Mr Nice. She had it her way the whole time – but not then. Not at the end. I had it my way. Maybe I’m even a little proud of it, because if it’s a choice between being shat on and pissed on and used and being a bastard, I’ll choose being a bastard any time.
And guess what – it worked. It worked like rocket fuel. That was it. She didn’t come back to work, she was out of her flat by the end of the weekend and gone. Totalled. She didn’t stand a chance. A couple of days later there was a supply teacher at school, the play was cancelled and then next half term there was a new drama teacher. Bang. Amazing!
So that was it. I was free. For ages I kept expecting her to pop up and murder me, but she never did. At long last I started to think maybe things were picking up. Summer was coming. Dino had started going on about this uncle of his who worked on a pleasure cruiser up in the Lakes, on Windermere, and that maybe he could get us jobs up there over the summer. You know? That sounded cool. Booze, girls. People on holiday having fun. A bit of money in your pocket. Even the hard work sounded OK.
I started chatting to Marianne again the other day and I got the feeling that she was still interested. But it’s too soon. Out of the frying pan – not that she’s a fire in any way, but I just don’t need another girl to go out with. Maybe after the holidays. I expect she’ll be with someone else by then, girls like that just get snapped up. Well, that’s the way it goes. I just want to get away for a while. Somewhere. ’Cause, you know what? I’m free, that’s what. Free as a bird.
39
dino
I was standing by the lockers with Jon and Ben watching Deborah go back to report to Jackie.
‘She wants to go back out with me,’ I said. Jonathon laughed. ‘Do you know something I don’t know?’ I asked.
‘Apparently.’
‘What’s so funny, t
hen?’
‘She’s going to go out with you again, is she? After all that?’
‘She’s been telling everyone what a complete shit you were. And she was right, wasn’t she?’ said Ben.
‘Bet you, that’s what it is.’
They looked at each other, it made me giggle. They thought I was just being smug, but it was true. Because, you know what? I don’t know what it was I lost for a while there, but I’ve got it back now. I could feel it. I could see it in the way people looked at me.
‘Why else does she want to talk to me? Check up on my homework, I don’t think so.’
Pause.
‘He has a point,’ said Ben.
‘Well, if it is true then that’s all my faith in girls gone for ever. That would be pathetic.’
I shook my head. ‘It’s nothing to do with that,’ I told him. ‘She just fancies me something chronic, that’s that.’
Ben laughed. ‘And if she does, will you?’ he asked.
I pulled a face. ‘Dunno.’
‘Another chance to enter her golden doors,’ pointed out Jon.
‘Another chance to get mucked around,’ I said. ‘She’s not very reliable, is she? She wasn’t exactly there for me, was she?’
‘Not reliable?’ said Jon, and they both fell around laughing, which pissed me off. So what’s so funny about that?
‘Yes, not reliable, what do you think?’ I told him. And I was certain I was back on form then, because I had poor old Jon blushing away like he’d forgotten to zip up.
‘I was just saying, you know.’
‘Dino,’ said Ben in his patient voice. ‘You two-timed her. She was upset.’
Ben and Jon, they can go on a bit sometimes, but they’re good mates. One thing I’ve learned from all this shit, all that stuff about who’s It and who’s not and all that, that’s for kids. Look at Jonathon – he’s got about as much cred as a pair of Y-fronts but he’s been a much better mate than Stu and Snoops and the rest of them. And Ben – he still hasn’t got a girlfriend, he hardly seems to be interested any more. I wonder if maybe he’s even gay. See? None of that stuff matters when it comes down to who your friends are. They’re my mates – they showed that. And the rest of ’em are just so much crud.
But I was right about Jackie. I knew from the way she was looking at me. You don’t smile at someone like that if you think they’re a shit. She must have realised the sort of pressure I was under.
And I do know what I’m going to say to her, despite what I was saying to Ben and Jon. She’s still the best-looking girl in the school, and I still fancy her something rotten. And we never – you know. It’d be a shame not to, wouldn’t it?
We met outside the school gates and walked down the lane. She was all happy and smiley. It was great. It was, How are you, how you doing, how’s your mum and dad, good news about the shoplifting, all that sort of thing. I didn’t say anything much, just answered her questions. We were both smiling away at each other. After we were about halfway down she linked arms with me.
‘Don’t think this means anything, because it doesn’t,’ she said. ‘We’re just being friendly, OK?’ But she said it in this little-girl sort of voice, kind of teasing, you know, so you couldn’t really take what she said seriously. ‘You made me very cross,’ she scolded.
‘Sorry about that,’ I said, and she slapped at my arm lightly.
‘You’re not sorry at all, I can tell. Don’t you ever dare do that again,’ she said. There was a pause. ‘I was really hurt,’ she added.
‘I really am sorry,’ I said, smiling away, and she smiled back, kind of rueful this time, and then she held tighter onto my arm and sort of wriggled into me.
We got to the end of Crab Lane without anything happening. Jackie was sighing and standing there like she was waiting for something, so I carefully put my arms round her and she smiled up at me. She looked so happy, her eyes were all bright and shiny, it made me feel really horny. I kissed her. We had a good long snog, it was great. Then she sighed and leaned her head against my chest.
‘Does this mean we’re going out again?’ she asked.
‘I suppose so,’ I said.
‘You’re a bad boy, Dino, I ought to … never mind. Kiss me again.’
So I kissed her again and … that was that.
‘We better make a date,’ she said. So we made a date for the next night. Sue was standing over by the bus stop; she looked really pissed off, she actually rolled her eyes at us. Jackie was still doing this little-girlie thing, all wriggly and silly and making a bit of a fool of herself, really. But it was a lovely horny snog, and what do I care about Sue, anyway?
So, that could have been that but … you know what? I went home, and I thought, Do I really want this all over again? It was just going to be the same kind of thing, really. Her all over me one moment and then all cold the next. And … well. There were other girls. Actually, to tell you the truth, I had already asked this other girl out at the weekend. Everyone fancies her, she’s really nice. Now I was going to have to tell her it was off. I was thinking, maybe I preferred this other girl to Jackie. I used to think Jackie was all steady and straight, but she isn’t really, she’s all over the place. This other girl, she’s pretty straightforward, which is probably more like what I need right now.
I didn’t do anything just then. Next day it was all over the school about me and Jackie getting together again. No one could believe it, which was cool. I managed to avoid her most of the time, but by the end of the day I was pretty sure it was a mistake. So that night I gave her a ring and I told her it was off. I did it as nicely as possible. I still fancied her, but I didn’t think it was going to work. She took it quite well. She was all pleased to hear from me and then all quiet and shocked when I told her. I felt bad about it, but it was better to do it that way than let it drag on. I guess we’d just mucked one another around for too long.
40
sue
Rage. Tears. Hacking of air with the hands. Make-up all over her face. Ashes. Despair.
‘How could he? After I humiliated myself for him!’ she wailed.
It lasted about a week and then she was over it.
41
finale
The idea was for them all to go to the cinema, or bowling or swimming or something – Jon and Deborah, Ben, Dino and Jackie. Except that Dino had given Jackie the push and was being very secretive about maybe someone else coming along.
‘So I’ll be the gooseberry again,’ said Ben. But he came along anyway. He was thinking, if they went bowling he’d go too, if they went to the cinema he’d leave them to it. He did think about asking Marianne to go along with him – but it was too soon. Relationships. All that closeness. It was too much.
They met in a café by the leisure complex and sat at a table drinking soft drinks and eating crisps. About ten minutes later, Dino turned up with the new girl on his elbow.
‘Hi,’ he said self-consciously.
‘Hello,’ said Jonathon.
‘Um,’ said Ben.
‘Hi, Marianne,’ said Deborah.
Dino smiled happily. Marianne said hello and gave Ben a cool smile and a tilt of the head.
‘So what are you two up to, then?’ asked Jonathon, to try and break the silence.
‘We’re going to walk about a bit, don’t know really, see what happens,’ said Dino. He was just so pleased with himself. Isn’t she lovely? Isn’t she gorgeous? Aren’t you all pleased for me? Don’t you all wish you were me?
Deborah started a brief conversation with Marianne about what there was to do in town. Dino stood and smiled anxiously at his two friends, who seemed to be a bit put out, he couldn’t think why. After that, he and his new girl said goodbye and headed off for the door.
‘See you later,’ he called.
‘Later,’ said Jon. He waited until they were out of the door.
‘The fucker,’ he said.
Ben smiled and bobbed his head, blushing pinkly.
‘What??
?s up, you two were really off with him?’ said Deborah.
‘That’s the one Ben fancies,’ said Jonathon.
Ben shook his head. ‘That was ages ago,’ he said, but his blush turned from pink to bright red.
‘Oh, really, but, oh, that’s so mean,’ said Deborah. She pulled a face. ‘Isn’t that just so typical Dino?’
‘He didn’t know I still fancied her, did he?’ insisted Ben.
‘He knew,’ said Jonathon, outraged on Ben’s behalf. After all that running around looking after him! And after all that Ben had been through – he’d only just shaken free and now Dino had waltzed off with the one girl he really fancied!
‘But he didn’t know, did he?’ said Ben. ‘I mean, he was telling me I should ask her out only a couple of weeks ago and I wouldn’t. Remember? I told him I didn’t want to.’
‘But …’ began Jonathon. But it was true. Dino knew nothing about Alison Young. He had no idea why Ben hadn’t asked Marianne out.
Neither did Deborah. ‘But why didn’t you ask her, I bet she’d have said yes,’ said Deborah. ‘You’ve got to ask, Ben, what’s she supposed to do, wait for you or something?’
‘No, no, it’s right.’
‘I don’t care if he knew or not, he’s still a shit. It can’t be an accident,’ insisted Jonathon. ‘How can he be so accurate except on purpose?’
Ben grimaced.
‘It’s typical Dino,’ said Deborah.
‘It’s just amazing. Bang on the nose. How does he do it?’
‘It doesn’t matter,’ said Ben. He really didn’t want to talk any more about it.
He stayed and chatted a little longer. Jon and Debs tried to convince him to stay, but that was it, his heart was jolted out of place, the last thing he wanted was to hang around with a couple. He finished his drink and went off, leaving Jon and Debs to do their stuff on their own. He turned back to look at them through the window and saw that they’d leaned close together already, noses almost touching across the little wooden table. Sweet. He’d never seen Jon look so happy. He wandered off into HMV and looked at a few CDs he wanted but couldn’t afford to buy, then caught the bus home. His parents were out shopping, his brother was at a friend’s, he had the place to himself. Ben walked into the front room and stood there, gazing at the wall.