‘Sorry, sorry,’ he muttered. She watched his face curiously this time as he rubbed his hands over her everywhere, like a pirate running his hands through treasure. And it might have worked – Dino was sure it could have, although he was scared of the moment of penetration. But the girl suddenly lifted her hands, took his head between them and said, ‘Don’t. Please don’t.’
‘Sorry,’ he said again.
‘Don’t worry,’ she said. ‘This is nice enough, isn’t it?’
‘Yeah,’ said Dino miserably. She smiled.
‘Are you gonna stay here with me?’ she asked.
‘Oh, yeah,’ he said, thinking he might do it later on. The girl smiled again and cuddled up close to him. She looked really happy, lying there snuggled up with him. She put her face on his elbow and sighed.
‘I’ve never done this before,’ she said in muffled voice.
‘What?’
‘No, I mean, just cuddle up to someone all night, you know?’
‘Oh, yeah,’ said Dino.
‘Like there’s nothing to worry about. All cuddled up, here in your arms,’ she murmured. Dino lay there listening to his own heartbeat and to her breathing. Here in his arms. Nothing to worry about. It seemed to him such a curious thing to say, perfectly amazing, that she was so relaxed with him even though he’d almost … even though he’d been such an arse. He was flattered. She was safe in his arms. In about half a minute she was asleep. Dino thought, Poor little thing, she must be worn out. He stroked her hair. He felt bad now that he’d tried to blackmail her into staying with him. It was nice to let her have her wish and spend all night in his arms with nothing to worry about, and then he fell asleep as well.
He awoke in an eerie dawn light. He lay peacefully on his side for a moment wondering what had woken him up before he felt the warm body next to his and the memory hit him, and there he was, wide awake, wishing only that he was alone in his catastrophe. The girl lay sleeping peacefully up against his back, her breath on his shoulder. He didn’t dare move for fear of waking her. Her skin was warm and heavy, her face relaxed and so peaceful that Dino, in his electrified state, thought she looked like an angel. First a fairy, then an angel. She smelled like nothing he had ever smelled, like nothing on earth. She was just an inconvenience to his misery.
I have a failure rate of One Hundred per cent, thought Dino to himself, even though he knew he was being unfair. What was really scary about it was he had no control over it at all. You can wink your eye, you can stretch your toes, you can waggle your tongue. Some people can even waggle their ears. But not your knob. You can flex any muscle but that one. It has to do it for you.
Dino knew he’d never be at peace with himself until he had managed a successful shag. Who knows how long that could be? Jackie had run away. He’d sworn anyway to chuck her if she didn’t come up with the goods tonight, and she hadn’t in a big way. This girl lying so peacefully by his side had been his final destruction. He watched her little pointy face half out of the duvet and he thought, She must be a right little slut to come to bed with me just like that. Dino wasn’t all that familiar with sluts. The girls he hung around with were quite picky. There were some, particularly in the year below him, who let just about anyone feel them up but he doubted if even they’d go to a party and end up shagging someone they’d only known for five minutes just to get a place to sleep. What a slapper! He wondered if maybe it was her fault that he hadn’t got it up. Maybe he needed a decent girl to turn him on. If she didn’t care who stuck it up her, that was pretty off-putting.
But it was no good. Dino didn’t want to get it up just for decent girls. He wanted to do it with slappers, slags and sluts as well. So long as they were good looking, who cared? The more the merrier.
None of these abusive thoughts about the girl felt true inside him. For one thing she was so lovely in her sleep. She’d been so pleased to just cuddle up. She’d stroked him and comforted him even though he’d bullied her. How could you say that someone was a slut if they were kind to you and happy to be with you?
Even so … There she was, lying stark bollock naked in bed next to him. He couldn’t afford to let this night end without shagging her or he would suffer for weeks, months, maybe even years. He had to have her. He was thinking, all he had to do was wake her up and he could shag her. In fact, he probably didn’t even have to do that – she wouldn’t mind. She’d probably let him do anything to her he liked. And he bloody couldn’t do it!
The girl rolled over. She was flat on her back, with her head tipped to one side and her mouth open. Slag or not, she really was very pretty. Very softly and quietly, Dino lifted the duvet up so that he could see down her body. He looked at the shadows on her body, her small breasts, the deep shadows around her stomach in the dull light. He could make out the dark rings of her nipples.
Ever so, ever so softly, Dino reached out with one arm and fumbled at the small bedside lamp on his table. At last it clicked on. The girl just lay there. Now he could see a lot more. Her nipples were pretty and pink, and there was the furry place down below. He could see his own body too, and his limp traitorous penis lying just inches away from this naked pleasure house; not a twitch. He looked from himself to her, but nothing stirred. Carefully, very softly, very gently so as not to wake her, Dino began to stroke himself under the covers, glancing from his own hand to her body in an attempt to get himself going. At first there was nothing, but then he started thinking dirty and gradually it began to move. It was so tatty, Peeping Tom on a girl in bed with you – but, oh, yes, things were stirring! Dino speeded up his tempo, beat, beat, beat. The mattress moved slightly under him and her breasts moved gently with the rhythm; that was good. He thought, if he could get it nice and stiff he’d have another go, although in fact he was already nice and stiff. It was hard to stop though … just another little bit more …
‘Mmm?’
Oh, God, no.
‘What are you doing?’
‘Eh?’
‘What you doing?’
‘Ah … Do you wanna cup of tea?’ he said.
‘What’s the time?’ The girl – whose name he didn’t even know, he realised – sat up and pulled the covers up to her chin. She must think he was some sort of nutter, perving away at her like that. She was right.
Dino glanced at the clock. ‘Five o’cock,’ he replied, as his erection slipped into oblivion.
‘Eh?’
‘Do you wanna cup a tea?’ he begged again.
She pulled a thoughtful face. ‘I’m hungry,’ she said.
‘Cereal? Sandwich? I do a great egg sandwich.’
‘Yeah!’
‘What’ll you have?’
‘Both.’
12
dino
I went downstairs and put the gas on. It was endless! First Jackie disappears just when she’s ready to open her legs, then there’s sick in the bed, then my willy doesn’t do it and now I’ve been caught wanking. From shagger to wanker to waiter in the space of about two hours. Being caught wanking is the worst thing that can happen to you. The only important thing now was to keep her away from my mates in case she told anyone.
It shows you what a state I was in, I was actually hoping she’d have done a runner by the time I got back. But there she was, sitting up in bed with her little pink party dress back on, waiting for me.
‘S’great. Great!’ she said when she saw the food. I put the tray on the bed in front of her and sat on the side of the bed feeling like her dad, and watched her eat it up. I was still trying to make my willy work. I was thinking, She’s not got any knickers on under there, and trying to remember what her body looked like. But it wasn’t working.
‘Still here, then?’ I asked her.
‘What?’
‘I thought you might be gone,’ I said, and she said,
‘Why?’
‘I was a bit of a …’ I was about to say tosser, but that might be giving the game away. I mean, maybe she hadn’t seen what I was doing.
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‘Tosser?’ she said.
I blushed. I hate blushing. It’s my worst thing. ‘I don’t mean that,’ I said. ‘I mean, about last night. Making you stay like that. Making you sleep with me. I don’t normally behave like that. I’m sorry.’
She shrugged her skinny little shoulders. ‘I just wanted a bed for the night. Look, I just do anything, mate, I just do it. So don’t come on all moral at me. At least I don’t use other people. I just do what I want, right?’
‘You didn’t look all that happy when I told you you had to …’
‘Yeah, well, no one likes being ordered around. I just wanted a bed for the night,’ she said again, and she sank her teeth deep into her egg sandwich and dribbled ketchup on her chin.
There was a pause. ‘I’m Dino,’ I told her.
‘I know, I heard people call you that last night.’
‘And you?’ I asked.
‘Siobhan,’ she said. ‘Siobhan Carey.’ She finished the sandwich and started on the cornflakes. ‘Anyway, I know what you’re really sorry about. You’re sorry you couldn’t get it up.’
‘No!’
‘Yeah.’
‘Well, maybe,’ I confessed. ‘But that doesn’t mean I’m not sorry about the other thing as well.’
‘Don’t worry about it. It’ll come back. Dragging its tail …’ she laughed.
I was blushing again. I felt so awful. She must have seen me blushing because she said, ‘No, don’t feel bad about it.’
All I could do was pull a face.
The girl looked curiously at me. ‘I liked you for that, you know. I did – I liked you better for not getting it up than I did when you told me I had to shag you or get out.’
‘I never said that!’
‘That’s what it meant, though, didn’t it?’
‘No,’ I said, but she was right.
The girl was thinking about it. ‘It made me feel safe,’ she said. And when she said that, this weird thing happened. Her eyes filled with tears. I never realised that … I don’t know what, I just never realised. I didn’t know what it meant. I reached out and touched her shoulder. I’d have liked to hug her, but I didn’t want her to think I was coming on.
‘I wouldn’t really have booted you out, you know,’ I told her.
‘You’d have gone on at me all night. Blokes do.’ She finished her cornflakes and dusted her palms together. ‘C’mere …’ She leaned over her tray and put her arms around me. It was nice. After a couple of seconds she broke off, put the tray on the floor, and moved over so I could sit closer to her. We put our arms round each other and she pressed tight – making herself feel safe, I thought.
We sat on the bed hugging awkwardly until she said she was getting cold, then we got back together under the covers. She stroked the back of my head. By that time, I was feeling pretty safe myself, if you know what I mean, and I was thinking, Ho ho!
I kissed her and she kissed me back. She’d got her knickers back on, so they came off and up went the little pink dress. I pulled my stuff off. It was great, both of us naked. I had a raging erection. I put my hand … well, work it out for yourself. It was gorgeous. I pushed her legs apart really wide and she let me. And then I got on her … and down it went again. I could just feel the blood draining away like something had been turned off.
‘Don’t worry, you’ll be able to do it in the morning, I expect,’ she said, and that ‘I expect’ – the bottom just fell out of the whole world. That was it. Once it’d learned to go down, it was staying down, I was certain of it. I had a lifetime of impotence ahead.
We were lying half in the bed and half out. In one way, I was slightly relieved. Is that really weird? See, it meant I didn’t have to try any more. I mean, it was such a bloody bother, it was just hard work really. You’re better off wanking. Now I didn’t have to bother. But I knew I wasn’t going to be feeling like that for long.
But I did have another idea. OK, it was no sex life, no shagging. I was doomed to descend to about Number One Billion. Even Jonathon was better off than I was and he was with a fat girl. But, you know – it was still a pity to waste the chance.
‘Can I have a look?’ I said.
‘What?’
‘You know.’ I nodded down the bed. Jackie used to let me touch but she was always scared to let me take her knickers off in case things went too far. I once tried to have a peek by pulling her knickers to one side, but she had her jeans on and couldn’t open her legs. I wanted to see a proper spread.
‘Have a look?’ she repeated.
‘Yeah. You know. I’d like to … see it.’
She giggled and grabbed hold of the bedclothes. ‘I’m shy!’ she screeched.
‘Oh, right.’ I backed off, but Siobhan seemed to be pleased for some reason. She was slapping out at me and screeching as if I was tickling her.
‘No! Don’t, don’t!’ she giggled, pushing me away, even though I wasn’t doing anything, so of course I grabbed hold of the covers and tried to pull them down. ‘Stop now!’ she said, so I did. She held the covers tightly round her neck and thought about it. ‘It’s not very pretty,’ she said.
‘I don’t mind.’
‘What do you mean, you don’t mind?’ she scolded.
‘I mean – I dunno.’ I made as if to lift the covers at the bottom and she grabbed hold of my ears and screeched again.
‘NO! I tell you what. Stop it. You can get – no, stop it. Stop! Under the bedclothes and have a look if you like,’ she said.
‘Can I?’
‘Yeah. If you like.’
‘I won’t be able to see anything …’ I began, but even as I spoke I found my eyes drifting across to the little bedside lamp.
‘NO!’ she howled, reaching out to grab my arm, but I fended her off.
‘There’s no point if I can’t see!’
‘No!’
‘Yes!’
‘But I’ll be in the dark,’ she complained.
‘I won’t.’
She let go of my ears and lay back in the bed. Down I went, under the covers. She didn’t stop me when I pushed her legs apart and bent up her knees.
‘All right?’ she asked shyly. But I couldn’t say anything. It was just … I mean, I’d seen pictures but they give you no idea, really. The real thing! It was bigger than I thought, and redder and hairier and it was just stunning. It had this amazing spicy, pee-y smell. It was pure sex. I pulled it open and my knob began pulsing like some sort of atomic weapon.
‘Wow,’ I said. It was awesome. The pictures don’t tell you anything, really. Still staring, I wormed my hand out towards the bedroom table.
‘What you doing?’
‘Looking for a condom.’
She laughed at me, but I didn’t care. It must have been really weird for her, with the light on her fanny and me under there examining her. But you know what? I think it turned her on. She found one and handed it down to me. I struggled under the covers to hold the lamp, put the condom on my vast, iron hard stiffie, and keep looking at it all at the same time.
I tented the covers and came up for air. ‘I never saw anything like that before,’ I told her. I held her and kissed her, hooking her leg up with one arm. She smiled up at me and reached down to guide me to the right place with her hand, and I just slid in.
13
ben
It was nearly eleven by the time I got out of bed, so I was late for starters. Had a shower. Couldn’t face breakfast. Got my footie gear together. Her birthday present, a CD, ‘The Handsome Cult’. I was planning on bringing something else for her – my old school uniform.
I’d got it all together. The blazer was at the back of my wardrobe – Mum had kept it in case my brother Neil ever needed it spare but he kicked up such a fuss about getting it second-hand, he never used it. The polo and sweatshirt were in Neil’s cupboard – spares again, glad I’m not a younger brother – and so was a pair of trousers. I found the shoes right at the back of the cupboard in the end, all dried up. I’d cl
eaned them up a couple of nights before and they still fitted. I’d been kidding myself that I’d grown over the past year, but evidently not in the foot department anyhow.
But in the end I left it behind. I felt too ill. Just the thought – yuk. I just stuck my footie gear in my bag and cleared off.
‘See you!’
‘Where are you going?’ yelled my dad.
‘Footie.’
‘Have you had breakfast, you need breakfast if you’re playing sports,’ yelled my mum.
‘Yes,’ I lied, and left the house. I felt sick, my head hurt. I just wanted to go back to bed.
That school uniform thing. She’s always on at me about that. She put on a maid’s uniform once. Sat me down in an armchair with a beer and waltzed around the flat doing the dusting, leaning over me so I could see down her top and bending over the table so this tiny little skirt rode up. No knickers. You know? Then I had to tell her off for missing bits. I was supposed to order her to do all sorts of jobs so I could get an eyeful but I wasn’t very good at it. Too self-conscious. She didn’t seem to care. She flitted around a bit, took all my clothes off, just the same as usual, except she called me ‘Sir’ as she did it. God knows what she’ll get up to once she gets me dressed up like a schoolboy.
Kinky. I don’t mind the uniform stuff and games and all that, but some of it really gives me the twitches. She does stuff at school – does that count as kinky as well? It wasn’t too bad at first. She used to take me out to the store cupboard and give me a big snog and I’d feel her tits. That was pretty good actually, but it was still scary. There was this time she got me backstage, pulled up my top and her top, popped herself out of her bra and gave me this big, wet snog, skin to skin backstage with half the cast of Toad of Toad Hall just the other side of the curtains. I thought I was going to die. It was still pretty amazing though.
But it’s getting out of hand. I think the thing is, she likes the risk. She always used to do things like grab my packet when I was standing behind her and there were other people in the room – you know, shielding me with her body so no one could see. Then she started giving me detentions so I had to stay behind after school. It was outrageous – right in front of the whole class. She said I was doing something stupid – I wasn’t doing a thing. It was all so obvious. I thought she was going to make me shag her, but it was worse than that. She got me backstage behind the curtains, took my jeans down and gave me a blow job. The sick thing was, she made me face the curtains so I could peer through the curtains and see people in the hall coming and going.