But now, with the delicate, loving way he is kissing me, none of that matters. The freezing cold doesn’t matter, prying eyes don’t matter. Only his body pressed against mine and the sweet taste of peppermint from his lips matter. I put my hands on his face, surprising myself, and deepen the kiss. He sucks in a deep breath in response and nibbles on my bottom lip. “I wish I had my hands free right now,” he says through our kiss.
I pull back, sure I am blushing, having no idea what came over me. His eyes are filled with desire and confusion over my uncharacteristically eager response to his kiss. I take some of the bags from him, giving a shy smile, hoping he won’t read too much into the kiss. It’s been so long since I’ve been kissed like that, and I got a little carried away. “Merry Christmas, Holden. Come inside, it’s freezing out here.” I try to deflect.
He puts his hand low on my waist with his now free hand, turning me back towards him. “I’m not cold at all. I like this spot. I like it a lot,” he whispers again and looks back up at the mistletoe as if he is asking it for permission.
I slap him playfully. “Holden, it’s a tradition. I had to kiss you.”
He rolls his eyes, not pushing me any further. I love him for that. Did I just say love him? Ugh!
“Well then, you’re not answering the door for anyone else tonight if that is what will happen.”
I laugh, leading him over to the tree to put the presents down, trying to change the subject and make the tingling down below that is now driving me crazy subside. “You didn’t have to bring all of these presents. Who are they for?” I ask, trying to peek in the bag I am holding for a gift with my name on it.
Holden is going to be sleeping at my parents’ with us tonight at the insistence of my mom. My family is the closest thing to family he has, and my parents would not accept no for an answer from him. It makes me happy to know he’ll be here with me and the girls tonight and wake up to experience their magical faces tomorrow. I know it is something he will truly appreciate and love. There are times I wonder what it would have been like if we had gotten married, had kids of our own. But the second I let myself have the thought, I push it back to the back of my psyche where it belongs.
“They’re for the girls, your parents…you.” He winks and puts down his bags.
“Uncle Holden! Merry Christmas, Uncle Holden!” Ellie and Sophie are quickly in his arms, kissing him all over his perfect face. He is laughing and twirling the girls around like they are little princesses. If I thought he looked sexy on the doorstep, he is absolutely irresistible right now. His strong jawline accents his perfect lips, and his dimples show just how happy he is with my girls. It makes me happy to just watch them. I can’t hide the stupid smile that is plastered on my face as I watch them all together. I really am happy for the first time that I can remember.
Holden’s gaze meets mine and his giddy smile turns serious. There is something in his eyes that is screaming to me, but I’m not sure what it is…I’m not really sure I want to know. Instead of worrying about it, and reading too much into anything, I decide to listen to my heart and walk over to the three of them and wrap them up in a big hug. Tonight, I’m going to do what makes me happy. No walls tonight.
“Hey, Holden, sweetheart, I didn’t hear you come in.” My mom walks over to us, pulling Ellie out of Holden’s arms. “Girls, let Holden at least get his jacket off.” I notice my always perfect and put together mom is deathly pale and sweating profusely.
“Mom, are you alright?” I ask, looking to Holden—not sure if I am overreacting, or if my mom really does look like death warmed over. Her usually perfectly coiffed hair is a mess, and her mascara is smeared. Something is not right. Holden looks as concerned as me.
“Mrs. D, I’m good. The girls can help me find a place to put my jacket. Go with Cam.” He politely kisses her cheek and takes Ellie back in his arms as Sophie hangs off his back.
“I’m fine. Really, sweetheart. The stove makes the kitchen sweltering is all.” The doorbell rings, interrupting our conversation. “Will you get that for me? I’ll just go freshen up.” My mom is gone in an instant.
The night has been going perfectly, with family and friends coming and going through the night, all feeling more optimistic and excited for the New Year than they were only a month ago. It seems that everyone from Mantoloking has been here at one time or another tonight. There are so many people here, that I don’t think I even have had a chance to see everyone. Holden and I spend most of the night mingling with the guests and playing with the girls. Everyone is being so amazing with Sophie and Ellie, knowing that they are now part of a broken home and this is their first Christmas without their daddy. Throughout the night, Holden has been sweetly rubbing my back while we chatted with our friends, or brings me wine when he noticed my glass was empty. He is being simply perfect tonight.
I turn the corner with my hands full of plates I was helping my mom clear from our guests, to see Holden, all six foot four of perfection, sitting at the kids’ table with five girls surrounding him as if he is Prince Charming. I have to admit, that right now, he fits the part. Our eyes meet, and I try to look away, not wanting him to know the thoughts that are invading my mind. He kisses Ellie on the top of her head and blows kisses to all the girls, leaving them to decorate cookies on their own.
“Hey you,” he says, coming up next to me and leaning casually against the cabinets. I am thankful he isn’t picking on me after catching me ogling him. Instead, he takes my shoulders and pulls me so that I am leaning my body against his. This is nice. He begins gently rubbing my shoulders while we watch the girls laugh and sing Christmas carols together. I lean my head back against his chest, exhausted from the day. “I think you accomplished your goal of making this the best Christmas ever. Good thing since Thanksgiving was such a bust.”
He is right: this is the perfect night, and the girls need this as much as I do after the disaster that Thanksgiving became. My dad dressed as Santa and surprised all of the kids by bringing a truckload of presents for them all to open, while everyone sat by the fire and sang Christmas carols and sipped on eggnog. It is like something out of a freaking movie.
“I think you’re right. It’s been pretty fan-fucking-tastic if I do say so myself.” I think the eggnog and wine is getting to me and I begin to giggle.
Holden stops massaging my shoulders and pulls me closer, wrapping his arms tightly around me and takes a deep breath. “I’ve been waiting all night to have you in my arms. It’s been the best Christmas of my life, Cam. Thank you.” He kisses the top of my head, making my whole body shiver from his gentle touch.
I place my hands over his and gently stroke them. “You made it special, Holden. The way you are with the girls…it’s…it’s special. They love you.” I love you.
His grasp tightens and I feel his heart pounding through his chest, seemingly matching mine. Without thinking, I lift his hands to my lips and softly kiss them. They smell of frosting and cookies and feel rough against my lips, like a man who uses his hands in ways that make my insides melt. I momentarily let my guard down and imagine what those hands feel like when they are touching me. He lets out a soft groan as I kiss each knuckle, making both our hearts race with anticipation. I can only imagine what is going on in Holden’s head right now when I linger on each knuckle, breathing in his sweet scent. I am happy here like this with him, happier than I ever thought I could be with Holden again. I am feeling things that I haven’t allowed myself to feel in a long time. I am feeling things that only Holden can make me feel with a simple touch.
“If you keep doing that, I won’t be able to keep us in the friend zone, babe.” His voice is low and husky, seeping with desire.
Holden hasn’t called me babe in years…decades. Hearing him use that word with me makes my walls come down with him even further. I decide to call his bluff, wondering if he is feeling the same need for affection that I am. I open up his hand and gently kiss the inside of his palm this time. I know he is smiling even thoug
h I can’t see him. I can feel his desire for me pressed into my back, making me wish we could sneak away from all the guests and fulfill the completely inappropriate thoughts that have completely taken over.
“Camryn, girls, come out here please,” my mom calls from the living room, breaking our intimate moment. I can’t believe I am actually letting myself feel something for Holden again. It’s always been there—I know it has. I’ve just never let myself acknowledge the hold he still has on my heart.
“I’m going to pick all this mess up, then I’ll be out there. I...um…” Holden adjusts himself, letting me know exactly why he is not coming with me right now. “I need a minute.”
I smile confidently back at him, feeling pretty smug about the fact that I can still have that effect on him. I shrug my shoulders innocently and kiss his cheek. Holden grabs onto my waist and lets out a frustrated growl, eyeing me like I am his prey. I can’t help but look up at him and smile a real smile. “Don’t be too long.” I wink friskily before grabbing the girls and seeing what my mom wants.
I lead the girls, who are now covered in frosting from head to toe, out to the living room to see what other surprise my dad has waiting for us. Tonight has been a night full of surprises, and I hoped there will be more to come…especially with Holden. The first thing I notice is there is a large crowd gathered by the piano, once again singing painfully out of tune. I can only see the backs of everyone as they raise their glasses high in the air to the beat of the songs. The smile that has been on my face all day only deepens at the sight of it all. This really is the best Christmas ever.
The girls run ahead of me, squeezing their way to the seat where my dad is playing the piano, surely thinking he is Billy Joel and singing proudly to “O Christmas Tree,” clearly having had a few cocktails under his belt as well. Before I can make out all of the faces surrounding them, a familiar voice that has haunted my dreams was in my ear.
“Camryn. Can we talk?”
It is Jake Waters.
My parents hadn’t told me the Waters would be here. In fact, they promised they weren’t going to be here. My mom was especially pleased since she never likes it when Mary Waters is around. She didn’t want Mrs. Waters ruining her Christmas probably almost as much as I didn’t want Jake to. Her foul attitude always winds up ruining the night. I can do nothing but stare blankly ahead, noticing Mrs. Waters sneering at my dad and Mr. Waters, who has now joined my dad at the piano.
I don’t answer Jake. I just bolt for the front door and run out into the freezing night. My eyes instantly begin to water either from the shock of the cold or the fear that is pulsing through my veins. Fuck, fuck, fuck! Pull yourself together, Cam. You can do this.
I bend over with my hands on my bare knees and I know he is behind me. I hold my breath, not sure what to do or say. I need to show him I’m strong, not the bumbling, scared fool he saw at Cutter Lane before the storm.
“Camryn, please just hear me out. I know what I did was wrong. I am so sorry I hurt you. I am—”
“Shut the fuck up, Jake. Just shut up.” I am breathless. The fear and pent-up anger is threatening to overtake me, but I won’t let it. This is my moment to say all the things that I’ve wanted to. I need to say all the things that I have laid on my bed night after night wishing I would have said all those years ago.
He ignores my plea and continues in a hushed voice, “I went to therapy…still go to therapy. I never hurt anyone else. I never meant to hurt you. I had no choice.”
Now the pent-up anger overtakes my calm with his ridiculous confession. “How dare you tell me you had no choice?!”
I stand up and am now aggressively up in his face, knowing there is no way he’ll physically hurt me with his family and all these guests just feet away. Perhaps the alcohol is giving me strength, maybe it is something else, but I have waited too long to get this out. “I-HAD-NO-CHOICE! I have lived in fear for years. You broke me. You took everything from me.” I push him hard in the chest, not able to hold back my rage. “I never told anyone, just like you said. I never told so you wouldn’t hurt me. So you wouldn’t hurt my family. But what you did hurt me, and hurt my family. You being around makes no difference because the pain I feel because of you is a part of me. So unless you’re here to finish me off, then just go away. There is nothing you can do or say to me that will change how I feel about you or to change what happened!”
He looks down at the icy sidewalk with tears in his eyes. How dare he act this way! “I came back to show you how sorry I am. The night changed me forever, too, you know. I left my family after that day, Camryn. I left my life behind so you could move on with yours. I tried to make things right for you.” He grabs me by the shoulders and turns me to face him. “It’s because of them that any of this happened.”
I didn’t realize until now that I am crying, and having his hands on me again, touching me again, sends me into a frenzy. His onetime handsome face is gaunt and pale, strained with anxiety. His once evil eyes look pained and it pisses me off!
“Get the hell off me!” I scream.
Before I know what is happening, Jake is flying to the ground in front of me. Blood is instantly pouring from his nose and Holden is now on top of him, holding him to the ground with his fist cocked and ready to pummel him again. “I knew it was you! What the fuck did you do to her, you piece of shit? What did you do to her?” His anger is terrifying. Holden looks as if he is going to kill Jake right here, and a part of me hopes he does.
Before Holden can unleash his fist again, Dave is pulling Holden off Jake as the entire party watches the four of us from the door and surrounding windows.
“Get off of my son, you bastard piece of trash!” Mary Waters pushes through the crowd with an enraged look on her face. She turns to me in disgust. “And you—you’re nothing but a little slut. Just like your mother!”
“Mary! Stop this.” John Waters is now at her side, looking back and forth between his evil son and horrid wife.
Jake shockingly looks over to me and my parents, who are now at my side, looking as bewildered as the crowd of people. I am sure this whole scene is something that is shocking to everyone and anyone who knows us considering my dad’s relationship with John Waters.
Jake reaches his hand up in my direction, blood dripping uncontrollably from his nose over his clothes. “I’m sorry. It’s my fault and I’m sorry.” He turns and heads out to the street without another word to his parents or the guests.
“Bobby, Nora, I am so sorry. I…I don’t know what happened, but I’m sorry if this ruined your Christmas.” John Waters grabs his wife’s arm, who is still glaring at me as if this scene is my fault, and follows his son to the car.
Once the guests silently shuffle back inside, I instantly think of my girls. I pray that someone was smart enough to keep them away from the fiasco that erupted out here. I search the crowd and am relieved that there is no sign of them anywhere. I look down the steps and my heart stops when I see Holden. He is fuming in a way I didn’t think was ever possible for him. Holden never loses his cool and tonight he erupted with rage, and I have to say I’m glad he did. He is now standing at the bottom of the steps with Dave still trying in vain to calm him down. Holden’s broad chest heaves up and down as he paces back and forth across the sidewalk, mumbling something I can’t hear. There is a pain in his eyes that I have never seen before. Not even when his parents died.
Our eyes meet, lock, and my heart melts. His love for me is written all over his face and I can’t help but feel the same for him right now. Holden is like my knight in shining armor after doing to Jake what I’ve always hoped to myself. It is as if he is the only thing right now that is going to keep me from collapsing. Everything I have tried so hard to hide is threatening to be exposed, and all I can think about is running into Holden’s protective arms.
“Where are the girls?” My voice is barely audible as I ask anyone who is listening, my eyes still not leaving Holden’s.
“They’ve been inside
with Jess the entire time, sweetheart. She was luckily upstairs with the three girls, getting them ready for bed, when everyone heard Holden yelling,” my mom answers with compassion in her eyes. She’s not going to ask me what the fight was about; that’s not her style. She would rather not know, but she will support me all the same. My mom wipes her hand across her brow and I notice her sweaty hairline and the ashen color of her skin.
“Are you all right, Mom?” I ask, my concern thankfully taking a different focus.
My mom kisses my cheek, dismissing my worry. “Only worried about you, dear. Are you all right?” She sweetly brushes my hair away from my face like she has as long as I can remember.
“I’ll be okay. I just think I need a minute,” I state solemnly.
“Alright, show’s over. Let’s get back inside and out of this cold.” My dad urges the lingering guests inside and leads my mom back inside and out of the cold.