“It takes great bravery to search for knowledge and continue one’s studies,” he began. “Not all new knowledge is beautiful, or even to be desired. Yet there comes a time when, no matter how hard it is to accept what we see, no matter how much we do not want to believe it, our studies will cease and we will learn no more. Though the world may point and criticize, if the truth has been found, sometimes you must shout it from the rooftops in the face of all opposition. The pursuit of knowledge requires an iron will that always looks forward and never falters. Thus, I find it quite appropriate that a spirit of bravery should have found a home in the family of a starseer.”
Romy nodded and smiled. “Thank you for saving me, Wataru.”
“Well, Knights of Stengel,” Dr. Baksan began, addressing the crowd, “other places await your arrival in these troublesome times, I’m sure. I’m afraid their number grows by the day. Please, be on your way. Highlanders, I fear that the events of the day will have struck more fear into the hearts of the uninformed. Console them, and put them at ease. And, to my students…”
Dr. Baksan clapped his hands and coughed smugly. “Get this room cleaned up right away!”
Chapter 32
Wataru
“It may be my first time meeting a Traveler, though I have some knowledge of the related phenomena,” Dr. Baksan said, trudging up the stairs ahead of Wataru. “You can use that gemstone to peer into the real world, is that not so?”
“Yes, I’ve done it once before.”
“And for this you need a sigil, similar to the one engraved on the hilt of your sword? It just so happens that we have one here. It’s in the room with our observational equipment. Follow me.”
They ascended a gently curving staircase and quickly reached the observation room. The walls and floor were made of a lustrous shining white rock, polished so well that Wataru could see his reflection. The room was circular, with a giant telescope sitting in the very middle. It was at least ten times larger than the one Wataru had used at Shin Suxin’s home. The barrel of the telescope was pointed up at the translucent ceiling like a cannon.
“When the sun goes down, the roof becomes transparent,” Dr. Baksan explained, waving his hand in the direction of the ceiling. “It’s made from a special kind of stone that becomes cloudy white under sunlight, yet perfectly transparent when it’s dark. Yes, a curious stone. Only a single vein of it has been found in a mine in Arikita.”
The starseer stopped beneath the barrel of the telescope. “See?” he said, pointing down at his feet. “The sigil is here. But it is not visible now. The sigil is made out of the same stone as the ceiling. While the sun is up, it blends in with the floor. When the sun sets, it will rise from the stone.”
Turning to Wataru, the starseer continued, “But before that, I would have a word with you. First, let me thank you again for saving my student. I have seen with my own eyes the extent of your courage and kindness, and the rightness of your heart.”
He’s praising me, Wataru realized belatedly. Then…why is he staring at me like that?
“Because of this, I shall tell you something. Know that I tell you this only because I am assured by your actions that you will understand my meaning.”
Subconsciously, Wataru straightened his posture.
“Remember I told you that Vision is a reflection of your own heart? Wayfinder Lau told you the very same thing. Think on this a moment. If the events that occur in Vision are a reflection of what lies inside you, then why is there prejudice? Why does the Goddess demand a sacrifice?”
That’s what I want to know! That’s why I came here…
“Why does such backwardness and cruelty exist here in your Vision?” he asked again. After a pause, he resumed, speaking slowly. “There is one answer, and it’s simple. It is because there is backwardness in your heart. There’s a part of you that hates what is unlike you and avoids those who think differently, that curses, hates, and wants to live better than others. It envies what others possess, and schemes and plots to take what is theirs for your own happiness, and their despair. Vision reveals this part of you only in such a manner that you cannot look away from it.”
“Wait a second…” Wataru began, startled by the sudden criticism. “I don’t think those things…”
“Oh, I know, I know,” Dr. Baksan said, holding up his hands. “You are brave. You are kind. You think well of others, and your friends. You have a good heart. But within you there is also hatred, jealousy, and the will for destruction. This is a fact you must learn to accept. You cannot turn your back to it and hope to run away.”
Wataru stood there dumbfounded, when a memory emerged that made his jaw tighten and snapped his eyes wide open.
How could he forget the events he had seen in the Swamp of Grief? He remembered his ghostly twin, the one who killed the image of his father. And, later, how he witnessed the senseless slaughter of Lili Yannu, and how he ran from the stone-baby who accused him of murder.
Was that part of my truth too? Maybe it hadn’t been an illusion after all. Maybe it was a part of himself he hadn’t noticed until now.
“It is not only you. All people are like this. There are no exceptions. No one can have a perfectly good heart. If someone did, he would doubtlessly be capable of doing more harm than evil itself. If there were a Vision made by a heart such as that, you wouldn’t find me going there anytime soon.”
“Dr. Baksan…” Wataru began. The strength went out of his legs. “Are you saying that the hate, and the rage, the prejudice, and the desire for sacrifice in my own heart are causing pain to the people of Vision? If I left, if I went away, would the bad things go too?”
“Not at all, not at all.”
“So then what do I do? How do I fix it?”
Dr. Baksan took a step toward Wataru and took his hand into his own. “It is all within you. Vision exists as a reflection of the entire being that is you. Go on, knowing this fact. Let yourself and your heart wander in your search for the way to the Tower of Destiny. In your doubt lies the true path.”
“That doesn’t make any sense!” Wataru cried, trying to free himself from Dr. Baksan’s hands, but the tiny scholar merely tightened his grip.
“If prejudice and destruction and hate are you, then friendship and kindness and bravery are you as well. If the one who does not wish to be sacrificed is you, then so is the one who feels anger at a Goddess who demands that sacrifice. If the fellow who disdains other races and wishes to pin the injustices of the world on them is you, then so, too, is the one who would give his own life to save that of a friend. Your life has been in danger many times since you have come to Vision. Yes, there are those here who would kill you. Yet, at the same time, there are those who seek to aid you, and save you, without a thought for their own personal gain.”
The followers of the Old God. The guillotine. The ankha boys who dreamed of a day when they would rule the south.
Meena’s song. Kee Keema’s smile.
It all came from me.
“Look at yourself. Hatred and anger, kindness and bravery. They are all yours, and rightly so. Accept this, face it straight on, then ask yourself what it means to change your destiny. When you have your answer, the way to the Tower of Destiny will be open to you. By the time that path opens, you will know what you must ask of the Goddess. You see, you will not find your answer from the Goddess. It is the path to the Goddess that is itself your answer.”
Wataru shook his head. “But what about the sacrifice? I can’t accept it. I can’t imagine it happening to someone else, and I sure wouldn’t want it to happen to me! If I could, I would go to the Tower of Destiny right now and ask the Goddess to stop it once and for all.”
“And then you would return to the real world,” Dr. Baksan said quietly. “You would go back to the real world, your destiny, and yourself, unchanged. The desire that brought you to Vision in the first place would be unrequited.”
“And if I said I was fine with that?”
“Perhaps you
are fine with that now. Perhaps you would be fine for a year. Perhaps even five.”
But what about the future?
“I believe you would reach a point in your life when you would regret your decision. You would regret having given up your only chance to change your destiny because you lost to your fear of being chosen as the sacrifice, you lost to your anger at the cruelty of the tradition. You will feel responsible, and you will hold your friends responsible as well. You gave up your chance to save them from being chosen. If no one had been kind to you while you were in Vision, perhaps you wouldn’t have cared who was chosen to be the sacrifice. This is what you will think. You would think that, instead of letting yourself be chosen as a sacrifice, you should have overtaken the other Traveler, changed your destiny and gone home before he had the chance. Yes, you will grind your teeth and spit curses in your regret. All the unhappiness and ill luck that befalls you in the real world will be due to that one decision you made here in Vision. And then the ultimate irony: your wounded, hating heart will create another Vision, filled with horrors more terrible than any prejudice.”
I won’t—I won’t ever be like that, Wataru thought, but he couldn’t say it out loud.
“You see? You have not yet found the true path,” Dr. Baksan said, his voice becoming gentle. “That is why the decisions you make now betray your future. Make no mistake, you would betray yourself. The Elder of Sakawa was right. Take his words at face value. It is no riddle. Find the path, and meet the Goddess. I will give you the same advice. It is the only advice I can give.”
Dr. Baksan let go of Wataru’s hand and looked up at the domed ceiling. “When the sun sets, you will walk the pattern beneath the stars and go home to the real world for a short time. I will not ask whom you will meet, or whom you will speak with. Nor will I ask you anything upon your return. Follow your heart, Traveler. Should you decide to abandon your journey, and only then, come to my study. I will send a letter to Wayfinder Lau and arrange for your passage back through the Porta Nectere.”
“Have there been Travelers in the past who have just given up like that?”
“Of course. It is not unusual for a Traveler to end his journey before it is finished. The ancient books tell of this. Some returned to the real world, and others, though there are few, remain here in Vision. I suppose one could find a certain sort of peace living in a world that reflects the inner workings of one’s own heart.”
Wataru hung his head. I can’t do it. I can’t run away to the real world, not now.
“I’m going to see Mom,” Wataru said, lifting his head.
He passed through the Corridor of Light to find himself, once again, in a hospital room. This time it wasn’t night, but evening. His mother was sitting up in bed, enveloped by the pale pinkish light of the setting sun. She was staring out the window.
Wataru popped out of the corridor and came down by the side of her bed. Kuniko didn’t seem to notice. She was very thin. She looked much older, but she was still his mother. His throat choked up with a combination of homesickness and guilt.
“Mom?” Wataru called out softly. He was surprised at how weak his own voice sounded. He wanted to talk to her, and at the same time he didn’t want to see her looking so sad. For a moment he thought it would be better if he just left and came back when it was all over. What good would it do to talk to her now while everything was still unclear? Wouldn’t it make her worry more?
He was on the verge of turning around when Kuniko lifted a hand and wiped at her eyes. She was crying. Tears made a line down her cheek in the fading light.
The realization shook Wataru even further. I can’t leave her here to cry. That’s worse than making her worry more. If I leave her now, she won’t make it until I get back. Her body will wither away. Her heart will crumble to dust.
Wataru’s journey was no longer for him alone. What Wataru needed in Vision was also what his mom needed, waiting here in the real world.
Hope.
“Mom?” This time he made sure his voice was loud and firm.
Kuniko’s eyes opened wide in surprise. “Wataru!” she exclaimed. With both hands she yanked off her comforter and jumped out of bed. Wataru ran to her with his arms outstretched and hugged her tight. It had been a long time—years even—since he had hugged her like this. He noticed immediately how thin and sickly she was.
“Wataru! It’s you, isn’t it?” she said, rocking back and forth, tears streaming down her smiling face. Then she let go and held her son’s face in her hands. She looked into his eyes and said, “You came home! Where did you go? Why did you leave?” She was sobbing loudly.
“I’m sorry, Mom,” Wataru said. He was crying too. It felt like his heart had swollen to fill his entire body. A strange mixture of tears and joy filled every part of his body.
“I’m sorry. I’m sorry I left you alone. I never stopped thinking about you.”
“Where have you been? Did someone take you? Did you run away? Were you scared?”
Wataru wiped his eyes with his sleeve, and, holding his mother’s hand, stood up straight. “Mom, I’ve started on a journey—a journey to change my destiny.”
His mother blinked, uncomprehending. “What’s that? What are you talking about? I don’t understand. You’re going on a trip by yourself?”
Then she spread his arms and looked him over from head to toe. “What are these clothes? Why are you wearing this costume? Is that a sword at your waist? What are you doing with such a dangerous thing? Where did you get that?”
The Corridor of Light won’t be open for long. I have to hurry. Wataru stilled his racing heart and said, “First, tell me, how are you? Have you been in the hospital this whole time? What does the doctor say?”
“I’m fine, don’t worry about me!”
“You’re not fine, Mom. And look, I’m not hurt. I’m healthy. Okay? You inhaled a lot more gas than I did, after all.”
Kuniko’s skin went even paler. “I-I’m sorry, Wataru. That was foolish of me. What if I’d hurt you? I…”
“It’s okay, Mom. I’m not angry. You were tired, and unhappy. It happens. But I’m fine. I have friends helping me. Mitsuru Ashikawa’s there. He’s the one who took me to Vision…”
“Vision?”
It was difficult to explain quickly. Wataru realized he was probably talking in non sequiturs. The more he said, the more his mother looked confused, and the tighter her grip on him became. It was like she was trying to pull him back and save him from some danger.
“I wanted to change my destiny. I wanted to make it so Dad never met Rikako Tanaka, so he never left us. I wanted to change all this, to get back our old life. That’s why I’m going to the Tower of Destiny.”
But then I forgot why I was there.
Suddenly, a realization crept over him. “Even if I change destiny, I wouldn’t be changing myself,” he heard himself saying. “And if I can’t change myself, then no matter how I change what happens, I will never get rid of the sadness, or the hate. Vision’s shown me that—it’s shown me what’s inside myself.”
That was it. He hadn’t understood fully until just that moment. He finally felt the advice of Dr. Baksan, the Elder in Sakawa, and Wayfinder Lau becoming a part of him, their words running through his veins.
“At first, I thought I could make the past just go away. I thought that would make us happy. But it doesn’t work that way. I’d still be the same old Wataru. Changing your destiny doesn’t mean getting rid of everything you don’t like. Even if you made everything go away, you still couldn’t take it out of your heart.”
He knew now that even if he went to the Goddess and demanded that she abandon the sacrifices, it still wouldn’t change the fact that deep in his heart, he feared being the one chosen. If he used the Goddess’s power to abolish prejudice in Vision, it still wouldn’t change the part of him that wanted to blame others for his own hardships. It was all the same. Vision is a reflection of my own heart. That’s what they meant.
“Wa
taru…”
Though her cheek was still wet, Kuniko was no longer crying. A mix of confusion and surprise still played on her face, but somewhere in her eyes a new fire burned. It was small, but it was there all the same.
—What is he talking about? It’s like he’s dreaming, or hallucinating with a fever. Like he’s gone too far into one of his games, and can’t get out. But still, something’s different.
Then, she knew what it was.
—He’s stronger now.
Though his words didn’t make any sense, it was clear that he had grown.
“Sometimes I’m scared,” Wataru was saying. “Other times I’m sad. And most of the time, I have no idea what I’m supposed to do. I have a feeling there’s more of the same to come. But, Mom, I have to continue this journey. I have to find the true path to the Tower of Destiny. I know that what I’m searching for awaits me there. Maybe it’s not what I wanted at the beginning, but it’s what I need. So wait for me, okay? I promise I’ll come home when my journey is done.”
The strength in Wataru’s words caught Kuniko by surprise. For a moment, she let go of his shoulder and clasped her hands in front of her. She looked just like Romy praying in Dr. Baksan’s study.
“You promise to come home?”
“Promise!”
“Are you…are you alone?”
Wataru shook his head firmly. “No, I have friends.”
“This journey…” Kuniko stopped, searching for the words. “You’re not the only one who’s gone missing. That Ashikawa boy…”
“I know. He’s in Vision too. But I’ll find him and bring him home with me. We’ll come home together. I promise.”
Though Wataru’s words made little sense to her, the strength behind them was beginning to have an effect on Kuniko. “What should I do then?”
“Believe in me, and wait,” Wataru said, smiling.
Then Kuniko did something she hadn’t done in a long time. She smiled back. “Are you sure? That’s all?”
“Yep!”