CHAPTER VIII.
Puddleford and Politics.--Higgins against Wiggins.--The Candidates' Personale.--Their Platforms.--Delicate Questions.--Stump Speaking.--Wiggins on Higgins.--Impertinent Interruptions.--Higgins on Wiggins.--Ike Turtle not dead yet.--Commotion.--Squire Longbow restores Order.--Grand Stroke of Policy.--The Roast Ox at Gillett's Corners.
Puddleford was famous for its political excitements, and so indeed is a newcountry generally. Its people watched the altar of liberty with an "eternalvigilance." The qualifications of all persons, from a candidate for thepresidency down to township constable, were thoroughly canvassed by theelectors. What might be a qualification for office in Puddleford, mightdisqualify in another region, but we cannot expect that all men will thinkalike. We must not forget that office meant something in Puddleford--thatit conferred honor on the man, whether the man conferred honor on it ornot. A highway commissioner, or overseer of the poor, was a characterlooked up to, and a supervisor or justice were the oracles of theirneighborhood.
The merits and demerits of candidates were freely discussed at publicmeetings, held most usually in the open air, and composed of all parties.Aspirants for public favor, who were opposed to each other, met and madeand answered arguments. All things in the "heavens above and the earthbeneath," were raked up and presented at these gatherings. The creation ofthe world--Adam and Eve--Cain--Jerusalem--Greece and Rome--the revolution,and the last war, were dragged into speeches, and made material forelectioneering.
In the fall, subsequently to my settlement, Higgins ran against Wiggins formember of the legislature. It was said that this was one of the mostexciting contests that Puddleford ever experienced. Every man, woman, andchild were enlisted. The "Higgins" men didn't speak to the "Wiggins" men,nor the "Wiggins" men to the "Higgins" men, for more than two months, andthe opposing families absolutely refused to visit.
Wiggins was a little, waspish man, who lived in the country, and was calleda "forehanded" farmer. He had been a justice of the peace in Cattarauguscounty, State of New York, and thought as much of himself as he did of anyother person living. He had a small, withered face, which looked like afrost-bitten apple, red hair, and a quick, restless eye. He was a violentpolitician, a shrewd manager, had a keen insight of human nature, somehumor; and was and always had been a red-hot democrat. He rafted lumber forseveral years on the Susquehanna, where he received the greater part of hiseducation. He could write his name, and had been known to attempt a letter,but no one was ever yet found who could read his correspondence. Hisorthography was decidedly bad. He spelled in a sort of short-hand way,which was not so objectionable, after all, as his language usually conveyedthe pronunciation of the words intended. "Il" was used for "ile" or "oil;""hos" stood for "horse;" "kanderdit for ofis," for "candidate for office,"and so on. His extemporaneous speaking was quite tolerable, and it was thisgift which _had_ given him notoriety.
Higgins was a man much after the sort of Wiggins, in many respects, thoughnot altogether. He was a violent whig, and talked incessantly about his"glorious party." He was a large, tall, broad-breasted fellow, ignorant,cunning, and cut something of a swagger wherever he went. He drank whiskey,chewed a paper of fine-cut every day, read the newspapers, cursed thelocofocos, prognosticated the downfall of the country, and pledged himselfto die game, let what would happen.
These candidates for office had a "platform," a part of which was intendedfor Puddleford, and a part for their common country--some planks of whichwere thrown in merely to catch votes, and some for future fame. Wigginssaid he was for "giving immortal man full swing inter all things, andletting his natur fly loose like the winds." He was "for driving theAmerican eagle inter every land, whether she'd go or not." He was "for arailroad and canal straight thro' Puddleford, to be built by the state,under the penalty of a revolution." He was "agin rich men everywhere, forthey trampled down the poor." He was "for upsetting Longbow and his clique,and declared he would bring in a bill, if elected, that would blow thewhole set out of sight." He was for "easy times," "plenty of cash," "littleor no work," "good crops," and everything else the people wanted.
Higgins was for "breaking down, and scat'ring locofocos everywhere." Hewent "for everything that's right, and agin everything that's wrong." Hewas for "beating Wiggins." He could "show that he hadn't patriotism enoughto keep the breath warm in a four year old child! there warn't a spark ofAmerican glory in him. He wanted to sell out the whole country to theBritish, and would if elected! Besides, he kicked up a fuss in Bigelow'schurch, about the doctrines preached, and damaged religion." Higgins, itseemed to me, based his success upon the supposed unpopularity of Wiggins,and not upon any political principles of his own, while Wiggins relied uponthe great fundamental truths that were shadowed forth in his platform.
There were other questions which agitated the populace of Puddleford andits county, such as the sale of liquor, the removal of the Indians, &c.,&c., which both Higgins and Wiggins touched very tenderly, because itbecame necessary to advocate both sides, sometimes for and sometimesagainst, according to the views of those persons who happened at the timeto be soliciting information.
During the fall, I had the pleasure of hearing these two rival aspirantsfor office define their position before the people. The gathering was in agrove, very large for a new country, and made up of men, women, andchildren. Flags and inscriptions were flying here and there, some forHiggins and some for Wiggins, and every person was as brimful of patriotismas he could hold.
Wiggins rose, and presented himself on a high platform that had beenerected for the occasion, pulled up his collar, buttoned his coat, cougheda few times, and then took a leisurely survey of the crowd. "Fellercitizens! men and women!" said he, "there is going to be an election, andI'm a-goin to run for office. Not that I care anything about the officeitself, for I don't, a tinker's ladle, but I want to beat Higgins, whonever ought to be trusted with the liberties of any people, and I'm willingto sacrifice something to do it. Feller citizens! I want to have yourecollect where Higgins lives--at 'Satan's Half Acre!'--where they don'thave any Fourth of July; no Sunday school, only about two months a year;and the same place, feller citizens, where they mobbed the temperancelecturer, and swore they'd drink streak-lightning if they were a-min-to!(Great applause, and cheers for Wiggins, mingled with oaths and hisses fromHiggins' friends.) Feller citizens, Higgins is a leading man there, andaccountable for all this; and if he is elected, we shall indorse all thesedoings."--A man from the "Half Acre," one of Higgins' friends, rose, andsaid he'd take the liberty of saying that was an "in_far_nal lie." Wigginsreplied, by inquiring "if the meeting would see free discussion gaggeddown, here, in the presence of the immortal Washington, who, he hoped, waslooking down on-to us!" whereupon the unfortunate man was pitched,headlong, out of the crowd. "Arter having looked at where Higgins lives,"continued Wiggins, "look at Higgins himself! what is he? what does he know?what can he do? Why, feller citizens, he was born down somewhere in a placeso small, that it ain't on the map, and started life by tending alime-kiln; but he broke down in this business, and was discharged. He nexttried to go to school, but there warn't any class low down enough to gethim into. He then tried hoss doct'ring; and you, feller citizens, know whena man turns out good-for-nothing, he goes rite into the larnedprofessions. He tried hoss doct'ring! and, after laying out ten or a dozenof those noble animals inter the cold embrace of death (applause), he ranaway to get rid of a summons that was clus arter him! Then he fiddled for awhile winters, and laid off summers; then he druv stage, then he got-tor-becaptain of a raft, his first office; but he stranded her, and she's neverbeen got off yet. At last, he went to 'Satan's Half Acre,' where he thinkshe ain't known, and actually, feller citizens, has the impudence to come upfor office. (Great applause.)
"Now," continued Wiggins, "having disposed of Higgins, I am going to launchout on the great political questions of the day--questions that swell up inme, and fairly make me tremble all over, to think on. We've a mighty sigh
tto do, to take care of them liberties that was 'queathed to us by Gen'ralWashington, jest before he died. The old hero know'd he was a-going, butafore he went, he give us our liberty, and said all that he asked on us wasto take care on it, and not let anybody steal or coax it away from us, butalways hold on to it like a dog to a root. If it hadn't been for ourparty," exclaimed Wiggins, in a loud voice, "that great American eagle thathas flew'd so long, and kivered our juvenil' years with his wings--thateagle, feller citizens, that sleeps on the ragin tornado, and warms himselfin the sun--_that_ eagle, I say--_that_ eagle! eagle! would now be as deadas a smelt, lying on his back, a-groaning for help. (Great applause, andthree cheers.) (Wiggins said he hoped the audience would hold in theirmanifestations of applause as much as they could, as it scattered histhoughts.) The fust whig," continued Wiggins, "that we have any notis' onin his'try, is the old feller with tail and horns, who goes to and fro, upand down the airth; and he, you know, stole all-er Job's property, killedoff his children, and came pretty near killing the old man himself. Thenext was John Adams, who didn't want anybody to come into the country, norsay nothing after they had got here. He, feller citizens, was for explodingall the glories of natur, and drying up the e_tar_nal fountains of hope andconsolation--for turning man back again into the regions of confusion,where all is night and misery! (Very great applause, followed by a flightof hats in the air.) The next whig was everybody that supported old John,such as Higgins and his party.
"Now, feller citizens, what's the reason you hain't got any more money?It's because the laws ain't right. Man was born to have enough ofeverything. This is a big world we live in--it ram'fys itself all round the'quator, and its mountains diversify themselves into infinity. You own yourpart on't just as much as the greatest nabob; and all you've got to do isto stand up to the rack, vote for true men, and you'll get it; and it'syour duty to rise in your wrath, break the chains of oppression, anddeclare that you'll never lay down the sword until the last enemy isrouted." (More applause.) Here a solemn-faced man rose, and asked Wigginsto define himself on the "licker question." "Thank you, sir," repliedWiggins--"was just comin' to that." "The licker question--the lickerquestion," continued Wiggins, speaking with gravity, for there was a greatdivision of opinion among his hearers on that subject--"the lickerquestion, feller citizens, is a _great_ question. Some people drink, somedon't--some drink a little, some a good deal. The licker question is aquestion that a great many folks talk about. _I_ talk about it myself, and"(the same man rose again, and ask'd Wiggins if he would "vote agin licker?"Wiggins said "it throw'd him off his balance, to be disturb'd in publicspeaking")--"everybody know'd how he stood on that pint--he'd neverchang'd; he stood where his forefathers did; he went the whole hog on thelicker question"--("Which side?" inquired the man.) "Which side? whichside?" ejaculated Wiggins: "do you wanter trammel up a free andin_der_pendent citizen of this mighty republic! How do I know, _here_, whatI shall be called upon to vote _for_ or _agin_! Ask me to say I'll voteagin something that hain't come up yet! When David knocked over the greatgiant Goliah, do you 'spose he knew just where he'd throw the stone to hithim." "Yes-sir-ee," exclaimed Higgins, springing on his feet "he did thatvery thing." Wiggins "hoped order would be preserved. I shall leave to theexpansive development of the times," continued Wiggins, his arms flyinglike a windmill, "the blazing energies of the day, and cling to theconstitution till it goes out inter the expiring regions of oblivion."(Three cheers were given.)
Wiggins sat down, evidently quite exhausted; and I noticed that he had madea decided impression. Higgins rose, stripped off his coat and vest, rolledup his shirt-sleeve, stuffed a quarter-paper of tobacco into his cheek, and"ascended the platform." He said he was a humble citizen, and warn't com'dof rich or larned folks--he _had_ tended lime-kiln--he _had_ doctor'dhosses--he _had_ druv stage; and he was goin' to drive and doctor ajackass. (Much cheering.) He had always _worked_ for his living. He'd givefive dollars to any man who'd tell him where Wiggins _was_ born, or showthat he ever did anything. _He_ lived on the sweat, and the blood, and thebrains of the people. He'd tended grocery, peddled calickers, try'd to talklaw once, and was now on a farm, just for appearance' sake. For himself, hewas a humble link in the great whig chain. (Ike Turtle said he s'posed hewas that link called the _swivel_.) Higgins, with an affected pleasantry,asked Turtle "how long it was since he run'd away from the State of NewYork, for debt?" Turtle replied, that "Wiggins ought to know, for he wasalong with him"--whereupon a tremendous shout was raised in favor ofTurtle. Higgins rallied and proceeded. He said "he warn't goin' to talkabout the devil, and John Adams--he didn't know nothing about either on'em--it was entirely agin his religion to speak of such things before sucha 'spectable audience. (Some sensation.) What he wanted to do was, to carrythe great, _etar_-nal, glorious principles of his party rite strait interevery mortal being, and save the country, which now lies bleeding at itslast gasp." (Ike asked Higgins to "throw him down a bundle of themprinciples, and if they suited him, he'd take a few.")
Somebody told Turtle to sit down, whereupon Turtle appealed to the crowd,and inquired if they'd see a citizen gagged down. ("No! no!" was thereply.)
Higgins went on. He said Wiggins warn't so near straight on the lickerquestion as his yaller dog at hum, for his dog never got drunk, and Wigginsdid, sometimes. ("That's a lie!" exclaimed Wiggins.) "Of course he'll denyit, feller citizens--I would, if I was in his place--but I, fellercitizens, without fear of man, not caring about an election, step forth,and say to you all, in the full blaze of day, that _I'll do all for thecause that lies in my power_, having in view the interests of everybody inthis republic." (Applause.)
Higgins said that "he was sorry to see such a man as Wiggins trying toquote scripter to this audience--a man, feller citizens, is Wiggins--whodon't know whether David was the son of Goliah, or Goliah the son ofDavid--a man who don't know whether Paul wrote the book of Genesis, orGenesis the book of Paul--a swearin' man, feller citizens; and yet he talksabout Goliah throwing stones at David. (Wiggins wished to correctHiggins--it was the other way--David threw the stone at Goliah.)Howsomever," continued Higgins, "he talks about the stones _bein' thrown_,and uses the scripters in this way; and arn't it a vile way, fellercitizens, to catch your votes--to run himself into the legislater with,where he can knock over the liberties of the country, and make the greenfields a howlin' waste again!" (This was followed by very great applause.)
After the applause ceased, Ike Turtle rose with gravity, and reaching fortha bottle towards Higgins, inquired if "he wouldn't _have a little_, asnatur couldn't bear up long under such rackin' thoughts."
Higgins said he didn't believe this free and highly moral and religusaudience would long stand a party who'd throw a jug of licker inter theirfaces.
Turtle replied that it was a mere experiment. He bro't it on pur_pos_ tosee if there was _any_ place where Wiggins _wouldn't_ drink. (This raised ashout.)
Wiggins retorted by saying that "he never had made a walking grocery ofhimself." (Much laughter.)
Turtle "didn't know about that--if he did he carried it _inside_." Thewhole meeting finally got into a commotion, each party taking sides. SquireLongbow set up a hue and cry, "In the name of the people of ----," andorder was restored. I heard him say, after the crowd had become quiet,"that the constitution guaranteed talking, and altho' he was on t'otherside in politics, he must say, as a magistrate, that it guaranteed Higginsthe floor, as the great Story decided in his chapter on rows and mobs."
Higgins bowed to Squire Longbow, and proceeded. "I'm not goin' to say muchmore, and, finally, feller citizens," he continued, "I won't say any more.The audience is _so_ intelligent, understand so well all the principles ofgov'ment, from Noah's family that sailed inter the ark, down to theremotest possibility of futer gen'rations--have so weigh'd everything'longing to 'em, before the morning stars sang, and dirgested it bypiece-meal--that it would be an everlasting insult for _me_ to attempt totalk furder--and in conclusion I will say: Three cheers for the dyingheroes who got our
freedom, and who now lie a-sleeping on the shores ofglory!" (Tremendous applause, accompanied by cheers and swinging of hats.)
I have given, I believe, the substance of the first two speeches, but thesewere only introductory to those that followed. It was expected, when themeeting opened, that the speaking would occupy most of the day, and thespecimens which I have reported were merely straws thrown out to determinewhich way the wind blew. The real questions at issue were dexterouslydodged by sallies of wit and flights of unmeaning bombast.
Wiggins mounted the stand again, and spoke for an hour. He told a largenumber of humorous stories, and turned their point against Higgins--then hesailed away into the clouds astride a burst of nonsense--then he came downagain. At one time, while Wiggins was "cavorting in the upper regions," asTurtle called it, Sile Bates, who was a whig, started to his feet, andplacing his closed hand to one eye, and cocking the other, he stared awayafter him, as earnestly as if he were just passing out of sight. Higginsfollowed, and the speaking was kept up, alternately, until about fouro'clock in the afternoon, when the meeting closed, without either Higginsor Wiggins defining their position, or saying one word indicative of theirfuture political course.
Just as the meeting closed, Ike Turtle, who was the real political manageron the part of the democratic party, rushed up to the speakers' stand, andswinging his hat round, cried out at the top of his lungs, "Fellercitizens! The democratic party, knowin' that the speaking would last a goodwhile, and that natur might become exhausted in listenin' and 'tendin' tothe duties of our common country, have prepared a roasted ox, down at'Gillett's Corners' with all the fixins, where we want you all to go, whigsand democrats, both Higgins and Wiggins, and particularly the ladies, whohave turned out so nobly--and the young folks can have a dance in theevenin' if they wish."
Here was a stroke of management worth all the speeches of the day. No onesuspected that there was a dinner in preparation, and when Ike made theannouncement, there was a shout that came from the heart, and made thewoods ring. And the meeting adjourned to "Gillett's Corners."
Several other public political gatherings were held, and a very largeamount of breath, time, and eloquence were expended; but the result was theelection of Wiggins by a tremendous majority, and I do not now recollect ofhearing of an allusion, by him, in the legislature, to any of those"leading measures" that occupied his thoughts on the "stump."
I believe, after all, that the country was very well represented. Wigginsused about as much gas and deception in securing his seat as a New Yorkpolitician, but not any more; but after he had obtained it, he felt andacted like a representative of the people, who had a reputation of his ownto sustain. When I say "well represented," I mean that _he did noharm_--nor any good either--but always voted right on party questions,because his name began with W, and was nearly the last called--if it hadbegun with A, he would have ruined himself, and perhaps his country--sotrue it is that a man's fame or infamy may hang by a single thread.