CHAPTER XIV.
Uncommonly Common Schools.--Annual School District Meeting.--Accounts for Contingent Expenses.--Turtle and Old Gulick's Boy.--"That are Glass."--The Colonel starts the Wheels again.--Bulliphant's Tactics.--Have we hired "Deacon Fluett's Darter," or not?--Isabel Strickett.--Bunker Hill and Turkey.--Sah-Jane Beagles.--The Question settled.
Common schools are said to be the engine of popular liberty. I think we hadsome of the most _un_-commonly common schools, at Puddleford, that could befound anywhere under the wings of the American eagle. Our system was, ofcourse, the same as that of all other townships in the state, but itsadministration was not in all respects what it should be. Our schools weremanaged by Puddlefordians, and they were responsible only for the talentwhich had been given them. Every citizen knows that our government is apiece of mechanism, made up of wheels within wheels, and while these wheelsare in one sense totally independent, and stand still or turn as they aremoved or let alone, yet they may indirectly affect the whole. In otherwords, our government is like a cluster of Chinese balls, curiously wroughtwithin, and detached from each other, and yet it is, after all, but oneball. There is something beautiful in the construction and operation ofthis piece of machinery. A school district is one machine, a townshipanother, a county another, and a state another--all independentorganizations, yet every community must work its own organization. They arenot operated afar off by some great central power, over the heads of thepeople; but they are worked _by_ the people themselves, for themselves.
However clumsily the work may be performed at first, practice makesperfect, and men become the masters, as well as the administrators of theirown laws.
We had an annual school district meeting in the village of Puddleford--andthere were many others in the country at the same time--for the townshipwas cut up into several districts, and I never attended one that did notend in a "row," to use a western classical expression. The business ofthese meetings was all prescribed by statute, and it amounted to settlingand allowing the accounts of the board for the last school year, votingcontingent fund for the next, determining whether a school should be taughtby a male or a female teacher, and for how many months, and the election ofnew officers.
The last meeting I attended, Longbow was in the chair by virtue of hisoffice as president of the school district board. Being organized, theclerk of the board presented his account for contingent expenses, andLongbow wished to know "if the meetin' would pass 'em."
Turtle "wanted to hear 'em read."
Longbow said "the only account they had was in their head."
Turtle said "that warn't 'cordin' to the staterts."
Longbow said "he'd risk that--his word was as good as anybody's writin', orany statert."
Turtle said "he'd hear what they was, but 'twarn't right, and for hispart, he didn't b'lieve the board know'd what they'd been about for thelast six months."
Longbow raised his green shade from his blind eye, rose on his feet, lookeddown very ferociously upon Turtle, stamped his foot, and informed Ike "thatthis was an org'nized meetin', and he mustn't reflect on-ter the officersof the _de_-strict; 'twas criminal!"
The account was then repeated by Longbow, item by item, and among the restwas two shillings for setting glass.
When glass was mentioned, Turtle sprang to his feet again. "Thar, old man,"he exclaimed, rapping his knuckles on the desk, "thar's where I'se gotyou--thar's a breach er trust, a squand'rin' of funds, that ain't a-goingto go down in this ere meetin'. Old Gulick's boy broke that are glass justout of sheer dev'ltry, and you s'pose this ere school _de_-strict isa-goin' to pay for't? What do you s'pose these ere staterts was passed for?What do you s'pose you was 'lected for? To pay for old Gulick's boy?--Well,I rather caklate not, by the light of this ere moon--not in this ere age ofPuddleford."
Squire Longbow took a large chew of plug-tobacco, which I thought he nippedoff very short, and remained standing, with his eyes fixed on Turtle.
Sile Bates rose, and said "he wanted to know the particulars 'bout that areglass."
Longbow said "the board 'spended money in their 'scretion, and 'twarn't furTurtle or Bates, or anybody else, to 'raign 'em up 'fore this 'eremeetin'."
Here was a long pause. The "Colonel" finally arose, put his handdeliberately into his pocket, drew out a quarter, and flung it at theSquire, and "hop'd the meetin' would go on, as it was the first publicgathering that he ever knew blocked by twenty-five cents."
This settled the difficulty, and the report for contingent expenses wasadopted.
Bulliphant then said he had a motion. He "moved that we hire DeaconFluett's darter to keep our school."
The Squire said "the meetin' couldn't hire, but it could say male or femaleteacher."
Bulliphant "moved we hire a female, and we recommend Deacon Fluett'sdarter."
Bates said "he jest as 'lieve have one of Fluett's two-year olds."
The "Colonel" said "she couldn't spell Baker."
Swipes thought "she was scarcely fit to _go_ to school."
Turtle said "the meetin' hadn't got nothin' to do with it, nohow, and thewhole motion was agin law."
Bulliphant, who had become a little out of humor, then "moved that we don'thire Deacon Fluett's darter."
Bates declared "the motion out of order."
The Squire said "he guess'd the motion was proper. The staterts said themeetin' shouldn't hire anybody, but the de-strict board should; and thisere motion was jest 'cordin' to statert."
But the meeting voted down Bulliphant's motion, and Bulliphant thendeclared that the vote was "tan-ter-mount to a resolve to hire the woman."
Here was a parliamentary entanglement that occupied an hour; but the"Colonel" settled it at last, by reminding the president "that it was _two_negatives that made one affirmative--not one;" and the Squire said "so hebelieved he had seen it laid down inter the books."
But I cannot attempt to report the proceedings of this miscellaneous body.The business occupied some four or five hours, and was finally brought to aclose. A new school board was elected, and your humble servant was one ofthe number; positively the first office that was ever visited upon him.
The great question with two of the members of our board, in hiring ateacher, was the price. Qualification was secondary. The first applicationwas made by a long-armed, red-necked, fiery-headed youth of about nineteenyears, who had managed to run himself up into the world about six feet twoinches, and who had not worn off his flesh by hard study, and who carriedabout him digestive organs as strong as the bowels of a thrashing-machine.He "wanted a school, 'cause he had nothing else to do in the wintermonths."
He was accordingly introduced to our School Inspectors; the only one ofwhom I knew was Bates. The other two were rather more frightened at thepresentation than the applicant himself.
Bates proposed first to try the gentleman in geography and history."Where's Bunker Hill?" inquired Bates, authoritatively.
"Wal, 'bout that," said Strickett--our applicant called his name IzabelStrickett--"'bout that, why, it's where the battle was fit, warn't it?"
"Jes so," replied Bates; "and where was that?"
"Down at the east'ard."
"Who did the fightin' there?"
"Gin'rul Washington fit all the revolution."
"Where's Spain?"
"Where?" repeated Strickett--"Spain? where is it?"
"Yes! where?"
JIM BUZZARD AND THE AGER.
"Them 'ere doctors don't get any of their stuff down my throat. If I can'tstand it as long as the _ager_, then I'll give in."--Page 186.]
"Wal, now," exclaimed Strickett, looking steadily on the floor, "I'll bedarn'd if that ere hain't just slipped my mind."
"Where's Turkey?"
"O, yes," said Strickett, "Turkey--the place they _call_ Turkey--if you'dask'd me in the street, I'd told you right off, but I've got so fruster'd Idon't know nothin';" and thinking a moment, he exclaimed, "it's where theTurks live. I thought I know'
d."
"How many States are there in the Union?"
"'Tween twenty-live and thirty--throwin' out Canady."
Bates then attempted an examination in reading and spelling. "Spell hos!"said Bates.
"H--o--s."
"Thunder!" roared Bates. Bates _did_ know how to spell horse. He had seennotices of stray horses, and a horse was the most conspicuous object inPuddleford, excepting, of course, Squire Longbow. "H--o--s! that's ahos-of-a-way to spell hos!" and Bates looked at Strickett very severely,feeling a pride of his own knowledge.
Strickett said "he us'd the book when he teach'd school--he didn't teachout of his head--and he didn't believe the 'spectors themselves could spellOmpompanoosuck right off, without getting stuck."
Izabel's examination was something after this sort, through the severalEnglish branches; yet a majority of the Board of School Inspectors decidedto give him a certificate, if we said so, as he was to teach our school,and we were more interested than they in his qualifications; and whetherthe Inspectors knew what his qualifications really were, "this deponentsaith not." Strickett "sloped."
The next application was by letter. The epistle declared that the applicant"brok'd his arm inter a saw-mill, and he couldn't do much out-door worktill it heal'd up agin, and if we'd hire him to carry on our school, hetho't he would make it go well 'nough,"--but the School Board decided thatall-powerful as sympathy might be, it could scarcely drive a districtschool under such orthography, syntax, and prosody.
Next appeared Mrs. Beagle, in behalf of her "Sah-Jane." "She know'dSah-Jane, and she know'd Sah-Jane was jist the thing for the Puddlefordschool; and if we only know'd Sah-Jane as well as she know'd Sah-Jane, we'dhave her, cost what it might." She said "Sah-Jane was a most s'prisin'gal--she hung right to her books, day _and_ night--and she know'd she had asleight at teachin'. Mr. Giblett's folks told Mr. Brown's folks, so sheheer'd, that if they ever _did_ get Sah-Jane into that ere school, she'dmake a buzzin' that would tell some."
Sah-Jane's case was, however, indefinitely postponed. Some objections,among other things, on the score of age, were suggested. This roused thewrath of Mrs. Beagle, and she "guessed her Sah-Jane was old enough to teacha Puddleford school--if she tho't she warn't, she'd bile her up in-tersoap-grease, and sell her for a shillin' a quart!--and as for the_de_-strict board, they'd better go to a school-marm themselves, and larnsomethin', or be 'lected over agin, she didn't care which;" and Mrs. Beagleleft at a very quick step, her face much flushed and full of cayenne andvengeance.
There were a great many more applications, and at last the board hired--Isay the _board_--_I_ didn't. But the other members overruled me, and price,not qualification, settled the question at last.
This was the way the machinery was worked in our school district, duringthe very early days of Puddleford. As the stream never rises above thefountain-head, education was quite feeble. But we do better now--there isless friction on our gudgeons, and if Puddleford should turn out aPresident one of these days, it would be nothing more than what ourglorious institutions have before "ground out" under more discouragingcircumstances.