CHAPTER XVI.
Some Account of John Smith.--Nicknames.--Progress of the Age.--The Colonel's Opinion of Science.--John Smith's Dream.--Ike Turtle's Dream.--Ike takes the Boots.
Pioneers--men who grow up in the woods--are famous for luxuriantimaginations. Everything, with them, is on a sweeping scale with thenatural objects amid which they dwell. The rivers, and lakes, and plainsare great, and seem to run riot--so men sometimes run riot too, in thought,and word, and deed. They deal largely in the extravagant, and doextravagant things in an extravagant way.
I have seen a rusty pioneer, when giving his opinion upon some tritematter, garnish his language with imagery and figures, and clothe himselfwith an action, that Demosthenes would have copied, if he had met with suchin his day. Gestures all graceful, eye all fire, language rough, butstrong, and an enthusiasm that was magnetic--a kind of unpremeditatednatural eloquence, that many a one has sought for, but never found.
John Smith was an ingenious Puddlefordian in the way of story-telling. Hewas almost equal to Ike Turtle. John was a great, stalwart, double-breastedfellow, who cared for nothing, not even himself; a compound made up ofdare-devil ferocity, benevolence, and impudence. His feelings, whether ofthe higher or lower order, always ran to excess. He was an importation fromMassachusetts, of fair education, and, from his recklessness of life, haddrifted into Puddleford, like many other tempest-tossed vessels, strippedof spars and rigging. Smith's fancy and imagination were always at work. Hehad nicknamed two thirds of Puddleford, and there was somethingcharacteristic in the appellations bestowed. One small-eyed man, he called"Pink-Eye;" another, a bustling fellow, who made a very great noise on avery small capital, was known as "Bumble-bee;" another, a long-shanked,loose-jointed character, was "Giraffe;" Squire Longbow he christened "OldNight-Shade." Turtle was known as "Sky-Rocket;" Bates as "Little Coke;" theColonel as "Puff-Ball." Indeed, not one man in twenty was recognized by histrue name, so completely had Smith invested the people with titles of hisown manufacture.
I recollect one of Smith's flights of imagination--one among many--for Icannot write out all his mental productions.
The Puddlefordians were met, as usual, at Bulliphant's. That was the place,we have seen, where all public opinion was created. Turtle, and Longbow,and Bates, and the whole roll, even down to Jim Buzzard, were present. Theprogress of the age was the subject.
Turtle thought "there was no cac'latin' what things would come to--steamand ingin-rubber were runnin' one etarnal race, and he guess'd they'd layall opposition to the land, and bring on the millennium."
Bates said "the sciences were doin' sunthin', but _they'd_ never makeanybody better--human natur' was so shockin' wicked, that it would requirea heap mor'n injin-rubber to _rejuvify_ 'em."
Mr. Longbow requested Bates "to repeat that 'ere last word agin."
Bates said "it was '_rejuvify_'--that is, 'drag out,' 'resurrect.'"
The Squire thanked Bates for his explanation.
The Colonel said there was such a thing as too much science. He professedto have lived a scientific life--that is, without work--but all the whilehe found some one a little more scientific, and he had never been able tohold his own anywhere. He had been stranded fourteen times in his life,owing to a press of science brought against him; but the most destructivescience in the known world was that for the collection of debts. Itdeprived men of their liberty, their comforts, their property, theirfriends; and the manner in which this was all done was barbarous. He defiedany man to produce as cool-blooded a thing as an execution at law, whichwas a branch of legal science.
Squire Longbow said--"A _fiery facius_ (_fieri facias_) was one of the mostancientest writs which he issued, and there warn't nothin' cool-blooded orramptious about it."
Mr. Smith sat silently up to this point in the debate. "Boys," said he, atlast, "the world is goin' ahead. Talkin' of science, let me tell you adream I had last night." But, if the reader will permit me, I will give thesubstance of Smith's dream in my own language. It may detract from itspoint, but it will be more connected and intelligible.
"I dreamed, boys," said Smith, "that I was in the great Patent Office, atWashington. I looked, and its ceiling was raised to an enormous height,while through open doors and passages I saw room after room groaning withthousands of models, until it appeared as though I was in a wilderness ofmachinery. Very soon a pert little gentleman, with a quick black eye, and a'pussy' body, arrayed in the queerest costume I ever saw, came bustling upto me, and asked me for my ticket. I involuntarily thrust my hand into thedepths of my breeches-pocket, and pulling out a card, delivered it to him.After looking at the card, and then at me, and then at the card again, heburst out into a loud guffaw, that made the old Patent-Office ring. 'Why,sir,' said he, '_this_ is no ticket. It is the business card of one JohnSmith, advertising a patent dog-churn, of which he here says he is the realinventor, and it bears date in the year 1840--two hundred years ago! Thechurn may be found in room marked "Inventions of Year 1840," but the manJohn Smith we haven't got. I don't much think he is around above ground,just at this time," said the little man, chuckling. 'But,' said I, 'who areyou, if I am not John Smith? Were you not appointed by Polk, Secretary ofthe Interior, and did I not put a word in his ear favorable to you?' 'Polk,a Secretary of the Interior!' exclaimed he; 'I appointed by Polk! Why, mydear sir, I was appointed only two years ago--not two hundred!--"Chief ofthe Great Central Department," as the office is now called.'
"While we were talking, Franklin, Adams, Jefferson, and Fulton, walked inand took seats. I knew Uncle Ben the moment I cast my eyes upon him. He wasdressed in good old '76 style;--shoe-buckles, short breeches, queue, andall; and that same jolly, round face, and double chin, that tranquilcountenance just touched, without being destroyed, by comedy--were allthere. Adams and Jefferson I had before seen, and they were a little moremodern in dress, but they both looked care-worn. Fulton sat apart, and eyedthe other three as though he had seen them somewhere, but yet could notcall them by name.
"The rather unexpected arrival of these gentlemen broke up the comments ofmy bustling interrogator, and one of those pauses occurred which frequentlydo upon the appearance of strangers. Uncle Ben asked Jefferson if he would'not like to move up to the fire and warm his feet?' 'Fire!' said I, 'fire.Why, Uncle Ben, there is no fireplace now-a-days. Stoves and hot-airfurnaces are all the go. This building is warmed by a great furnace, andtwo miles of pipe that conducts the heat to every room in it.' 'Not by along way,' said my bustling friend--'not by a long way, Mr. John Smith.This trumpery is all piled away among the inventions of the years thatwere. These things belong to the age of your dog-churn. Why, gentlemen,'continued he, 'have you never heard of the Great Southern Hot-Air Company,chartered in 1960, whose business it is to furnish warm air from the Southto persons at the North; price to families three dollars a year; all doneby a gigantic underground tunnel, and branches, worked at the other end byan air-pump! Have you never heard of _this_, gentlemen? Here we get thenatural heat of the South, warmed by the sun; none of your stinking coaland wood gases to corrupt and destroy it. And then the principle ofreciprocity is kept up; for we send back our cold air in the same way; andso we keep up an equilibrium, for the South are just as strenuous as everto keep up the equilibrium of the Union. Why, gentlemen, those stovesrequired constant care. As often as every week it was necessary toreplenish them with wood or coal. No! no!--those improvements belonged tothe dark ages."
"Bless me!" exclaimed Uncle Ben. "Impossible!" repeated Fulton. "And so youdon't use the old 'Franklin' stove any more?" said Uncle Ben. "Perhaps," hecontinued, a quiet smile playing over his face, as if he intended a comicalshot, "perhaps you don't use lightning now-a-days either, and mylightning-rods, of course, belong to the dark ages too!"
"We have the lightning, and use it too, but only one rod, built by thestate, near its centre, which is so colossal and powerful that it protectseverything around it." And then the little fellow rattled on about the_use_ of lightning; how it w
rote all over the world the English language,until I verily believe that Uncle Ben, Fulton, and all, set him down as themost unscrupulous liar that they had ever met with.
"I think," said Uncle Ben, "that I could convince myself of the truth ofyour assertions, if I could go to Boston; but as my time is very limited, Icannot."
"Send you there in five minutes by the watch!" answered the little man;"or, if that's too soon, in twenty-four hours. It requires powerful lungsto go by balloon--time five minutes--departure every half hour. Themagnetic railway train will take you through in four hours, or on theold-fashioned railroad in twenty-four." "What," said Uncle Ben, "is the oldstage company entirely broken up?" "Don't know what you mean by stages,"said the little man, "but I will look for the word in the big dictionary.""Go by steamboat," said Fulton. "Steamboat!" repeated the littleman,--"steamboat! too everlasting slow--not over twenty-five miles anhour--well enough for freight, but passengers cannot endure them; they golaboring and splashing along at a snail's pace, and they are enough to wearout any man's patience. Yet the steamboat was the greatest stride ever madeat any one time in the way of locomotion, and was very creditable to Fultonand the age in which he lived." "That is admitting something," burst outFulton, who had sat like a statue, watching the little man's volubility."But," said Uncle Ben, "all this talk don't get me on my way to Boston.That is my birthplace. I was there for the last time in 1763, and you knowthat, according to the provisions of my will, there is more than fourmillion pounds sterling of my money which has by this time been disposed ofby the state somehow." Uncle Ben was always a shrewd fellow in the way ofdollars and cents, and I could see he was very anxious about that money."Oho! oho!" said the little man; "so you are Ben Franklin, and you are theold gentleman who left that legacy. We've got a portrait of you up-stairs,more than two hundred years old, and it _does_ look like you. Glad to seeyou! You said something in your life-time about immersing yourself in acask of Madeira wine with a few friends, and coming to the world in ahundred years again. These are your friends, I suppose?" "These gentlemen,"replied Uncle Ben, "are John Adams and Thomas Jefferson, signers of theDeclaration of Independence." "The other gentleman," continued I, "isRobert Fulton, whom you have spoken of." "Well, I declare!" ejaculated thelittle man, "this _is_ a meeting! But about that legacy, Uncle Ben, ofyours; two million sterling of it has gone to build the Gutta PerchaMagnetic Telegraph line, connecting Boston with London and Paris, two ofthe largest cities in the Eastern Republic of Europe." "GuttaPercha!--Magnetic telegraph!--_Republic_ of Europe!"--repeated all of them."All built under water, and sustained by buoys," continued the little man,"and it works to a charm--plan up-stairs in room 204--and can be seen in amoment; and, as I told you before, it writes the English language as fastas my deputy." "Republic of Europe!" exclaimed Jefferson, again. "Yes,sir," said the little man, "for more than a century. No more thrones; nomore rulers by divine right; no more governments sustained by powder andball; no lords nor nobles; man is _man_, not merely one of a _class_ ofmen, but _individually_ man, with rights as perfect and powers as great asany other man. The principles, Jefferson, of your Declaration, which youdid not create, but only asserted, have prostrated every arbitrarygovernment on the globe. Even the Jews, since their return to Jerusalem,have organized a republican form of government, and have just elected Mr.Noah President." "Well," thinks I to myself, "that can't be _Mordecia M._Noah, anyhow, for politics must have used up his constitution before this."But the little man chattered away, and declared that Europe was dividedinto two republics, the Eastern and Western; that Constantinople was thecapital of the Western; that Africa and Asia were also republican; untilthe three signers of the Declaration, perfectly wrought up to a frenzy ofjoy, rose up from their seats, took off their hats, and swinging themround, gave "Three cheers for '76, and the old Army of theRevolution!"--and I verily believe Uncle Ben forgot all about that money,and about going to Boston, for he did not allude to it any more in mypresence.
"Great changes these!" continued the little man, "from your days. But youmust not think, gentlemen, that we have forgotten you or your services,while we have improved in wisdom and strength. Look here, gentlemen," andhe motioned us away, and, leading on, he conducted us to an observatory onthe top of the building. Such a prospect I never before beheld. Away,around, on every side, stretched a mighty city, whose limits the eye couldnot reach. Towers, temples, spires, and masts succeeded towers, temples,spires, and masts, until they were lost in the distant haze. Canalstraversed every street, and boats of merchandise were loading and unloadingtheir freights. Steam-carriages were puffing along the roads that ran bythe canal, some filled with pleasure parties, and some laden with goods.Turning my eye to an elevation, I saw fifty-six gigantic monuments, whosepeaks were nearly lost in the sky, ranged in a line, all alike in form andsculpture. "These," said the little man, "were erected to the Signers ofthe Declaration of Independence;" and, taking out his telescope, he handedit to Uncle Ben, who read aloud among the inscriptions the names, FRANKLIN,JEFFERSON, ADAMS. "But let us know what this city is called?" inquiredJefferson. "This, sir, is called _Columbiana_; it lies on the west bank ofthe Mississippi, population five millions, according to the last census.""But what supports it?" "Supports it! The great East India trade. Thatvessel down there is direct from Canton, by ship canal across the Isthmus.All Europe is secondary to us now. No doubling capes, as was done in_your_ day. Yonder stands the Capitol; and the whole North Americancontinent is annually represented there. The city of San Francisco alonesends forty-four members. There," continued he, pointing his finger, "thatballoon rising slowly in the sky has just started for that place, and thepassengers will take their dinner there to-morrow."
Jefferson asked the little man "whether the Federalists or Democrats werein power?"--and I saw that Adams waked up when he heard the question."Don't know any such division," replied he. "The great measure of the day,upon which parties are divided, is the purchase of the South Americancontinent at five hundred millions of dollars. I go for it; and beforeanother year the bargain will be consummated. We _must_ have moreterritory--we haven't got half enough. Extent of territory gives a nationdignity and importance. The old thirteen states of your day, gentlemen,were a mere cabbage patch, and should have been consolidated into onestate. Ten or twenty days' sail ran you plump into a hostile port, and thenyou had a demand for duty. Besides, conflicting interests always brew updifficulties; and then come treaties, and finally war, and then debt, andat last oppressive taxation. A nation should own all the territory thatjoins it. The ocean is the only natural boundary for a people." Thinks I,"You have been a politician in your day, and I'll just engage you tocorrespond with a certain New York editor, who shall be nameless; youstrike off the doctrine boldly!"
Uncle Ben told the little man, after he closed, that a nation might "get sovery ripe as to become a little rotten; and, if he had no objection, hewould present him with the 'Sayings of Poor Richard.'" And, suiting theaction to the word, he pushed his hand into his breeches-pocket, and pulledout an old almanac, printed at Philadelphia in 1732, and, bowing, handed itto him. The little man thanked him, and promised to deposit it in theMuseum, as a curious piece of antiquity.
"Getting somewhat anxious for a smoke, I drew forth a cigar and'loco-foco,' rubbed the latter across my boot, which flashed out its lightfull in Uncle Ben's face. 'That is nice,' exclaimed he; 'rather animprovement on the old string, wheel, and tinder plan.' 'Simple, too, isn'tit?' said I; 'and yet all the science of your day didn't detect it.' Justthen I gave a puff, which made Uncle Ben sneeze; and he broke out into atirade against tobacco that would read well. But I told him there was nouse; men had smoked and chewed the weed--would smoke and chew it, economyor no economy, health or no health, filth or no filth; and that in allprobability the last remnant of the great American Republic, for succeedingnations to gaze at, would be a plug of tobacco; for I sincerely believedthat tobacco would outlive the government itself.
"The little man proposed returning into the Paten
t Office, and exhibitingto us in detail the models of art there deposited. But I cannot weary youwith what I there saw. The fruits of every year, since the organization ofthe department, were divided into rooms, and indicated on the door by aninscription. There were thousands of improvements in every branch ofscience, many of which were so simple, that I thought myself a fool that Idid not discover them long ago. Principles were applied, the very operationof which I now recollected to have often seen, yet without a thought oftheir practical utility. I came to the conclusion that accident was theparent of more that I saw than design; 'for how,' reasoned I, 'is itpossible that these pieces of machinery could otherwise have escaped thegreat men who have lived and died in ignorance of them?'
"By this time we were quite fatigued, and Uncle Ben complained a little ofthe 'stone,' which he said he was subject to. The little man gave him some'Elixir of Life,' as he called it, being, as he said, 'an extract of thenutritious portions of meats and vegetables, purged from their grossness asfound in their natural state;' and while we were sipping it, he launchedforth upon its great benefit to mankind; the money saved that used to beexpended in cookery and transportation--millions upon millions; the greateconomy in time, formerly squandered in eating, &c., &c.; and he wound uphis eulogy by presenting each of us with a bottle, which I carefully putaway in my pocket.
"Adams then rose up, and said he must leave, and Jefferson, Uncle Ben, andFulton followed. And in a moment Uncle Ben, Fulton, Adams, Jefferson, thelittle man, the apartments, wheels, and machinery, began to rock, andheave, and fade, and finally dissolve; and suddenly I awoke!"
"You _did_ awake!" exclaimed the Colonel, drawing a breath all the way fromhis boots; "I should have thought you would."
Bates gave a yawn, and throwing his quid into the fire, called for a glassof whiskey and water, saying he would "try to choke down the story with_that_."
Longbow sat perfectly magnetized--his arms folded across his breast, hischin dropped, his legs resting on his boot-heels, and pushed out in frontof him, as though he was driving a hard-bitted horse, and his one eyestared vacantly at the coals in the huge fireplace. He gave an unconsciousgrunt when Smith concluded, but made no commentary.
Turtle said "the dream was very remarkable for such a man as Smith; but heguessed he _had_ it, and he was going to believe it, because it was uponthe word of a Puddlefordian. But he'd had one that beat it allholler--s'prisin' dream--like them air visions that somebody unriddledfor--he couldn't recollect the name of the man now--no matter, the dream'sthe same.
"I got up one morning," said Ike, "and went down to my breakfast-table, butthere warn't one of my family present. I saw seated around it, however, astrange company of folks, and dressed as no mortals ever were before, sincethe flood, I _reckon_. There warn't nothin' that ever I seed before on anyon 'em. I took my place at the head of the board, and attempted to do thecarvin'; but there warn't nobody that understood my meanin'. Pork warn'tpork any more; and when I tried to pass pork, I found that it had akind-er' fancy name, which I have now forgot.
"One great goggle-eyed fellow, who sat at my right hand, informed a ladynear him 'that he'd got-ter go over to Agoria before dinner, and get hissun-dial fixed; but his wings were down at the shop being fixed, and hecouldn't start this hour yet."
"'Agoria! Where's that?' asked I.
"'Don't know where Agoria is--ha, ha! On the River Amazon, a trip of acouple of thousand of miles.' And so he took out a little eye-glass, andlooked at me for a long time, and, putting it back in his pocket, said 'hethought I was a North Pole-ander, or a ghost; he didn't know which.
"'Dear me! you _will_ be keerful, now won't you?' said the lady. Twohundred collisions in the air last night, among the winged men; almost asmany the night afore--awful!'
"The goggle-eyed man said he would.
"'Did you hear President Jones lecter last night,' said a spectacledcritter, at the upper end of the table, sticking his fore-finger out to me.
"'No, sir-_ee_!' I hollered back to him, as I was some little frustrated bythis time.
"'He showed,' said the man, 'that one Tom Jefferson prob'bly _did_ writethe Declaration of Independence that the ancients made.'
"'You don't say so, though, do you?' said I. 'You're a bright set of chapsthe whole on you, President Jones and all.'
"There was a mighty deal said about the Persian war with America; whatsomebody said who came from Africa last night--what this man and that mandone in Congress; but getting out of patience at last, I jumped up, andleft the whole on 'em; and as I passed out of the room, told 'em 'theymight all go to grass.'
"As I left the house, I saw an almanac hanging on the wall for the year2564. The first thought, when I saw this, was, '_Where, in the name ofAndrew Jackson, is Puddleford now?_'
"But what was my surprise, when I got inter the street, which was all laidwith slabs of granite, and lined with palaces, to find Squire Longbowwalking along with his wings folded on his back, looking as nat'ral as theold fogy himself.
"'Squire,' said I, 'here's _to_ you!'
"The Squire said 'he hadn't the honor of my 'quaintance.'
"'O, you old scoundrel!' said I, 'you can't come that--'"
"That's false!" exclaimed Longbow; "I didn't have no such talk."
"It was _only_ a _dream_--you forget," answered Ike.
"Exactly," replied the Squire, relapsing into his former mood.
"'You can't come that, old man,' I repeated; 'I could tell you in thestreets of Jerusalem in the night; what are you about, old feller? You lookfat and pussy.'
"The Squire said 'he was Judge of the Continental Supreme Court.'
"'So I should think,' said I; 'I just left a dozen asses at my breakfasttable, and you're just the man for all the world to be their judge.'
"That's a contempt!" exclaimed the Squire, jumping from his chair.
"Nothin' but a dream, and they allers go by contraries," answered Ike.
"So they do,' said the Squire, calmly, sitting down again.
"Where's Bates, and the Colonel, and Bulliphant, and the otherPuddlefordians?' inquired I.
"'Bates,' said the Squire, 'burst a blood-vessel several hundred years ago,running down a southern kidnapper, and died quick-ern a flash. He didn'tleave nothing scasely for his family, 'cause he spent all his time onpublic affairs. The Colonel left the country with the sheriff at his heels;and he rather thought he was somewhere about the streets now, as he saw afeller t'other day 'fore the court, for debt, that looked jest like him.Bulliphant went off in spontaneous combustion--in a kind of blue fire, andthe old woman fretted herself out, a couple of years arter; but,' said theSquire, 'I can't be detained. Story's waitin' for me on the bench, and wedecide the title to a million of acres of land, at ten this morning.'
"This _woke me_. _Story_ and the _decision_ by _Longbow_, knocked my dreamout-er sight."
Bates pulled off his boots, and handing them to Ike, informed him that theywere his, by the custom of Puddlefordians, and the meeting adjourned.