CHAPTER XX.

  First Militia Law in Puddleford.--Aunt Sonora opposed to it.--Turtle sets her right.--Meeting to choose Officers.--Longbow electioneers for Captain; Takes the Chair.--Turtle objects.--P'ints of Order.--_Vivy Vocy_ Vote won't do.--Legally authorized Boxes must be had.--Longbow's Speech.--Turtle fined for Contempt.--Longbow elected Captain.--Great Military Turn-out.--Company turn a Circle; Break down.--Turn an Angle; Break down again.--Address to Troops.--Adjourn _sine die_.

  This great republic has ever been notorious for its patriotism, and thispatriotism used to break out everywhere, in days past, into a volcaniceruption on days of general militia muster. Puddleford began very early tofeel the necessity of a spontaneous expression of its devotion to ourcommon country. When it was very new, and before any law had been passed bythe legislature organizing its people into companies, regiments,battalions, and divisions, very strong premonitory symptoms of war werefrequently manifested. Beagle brought into the country an old snare drum,which gave out a very crazy sound. Swipes owned a fife that squeaked mosthideously; and this fife and drum, with their owners tied to them, oftenwent on one of the most public corners of the village, on moonlight nights,and roused up the war spirit of the whole neighborhood. They seemed to putthe very furies into the dogs, who barked and howled from every quarter.By and by, a law was passed by the legislature of the state, compellingevery man to do militia duty, under fines and penalties that were reallyfrightful; and Turtle most solemnly declared, upon the strength of a fee ofone dollar to him paid for his advice thereon, "that the act wasconstitutional, and accordin' to the common la' and the staterts, and thatit must be lived up to, fodder or no fodder!"

  Aunt Sonora said, "she didn't see what under heavens an' airth anybodywanted of a war la'; they'd allers got along well 'nough in Puddlefordmindin' their own business. Somebody allers got killed when there were somany guns and sogers, and so much powder; and for her part, she'd not stayround any such gath'rings, if she starv'd in jail. She'd quit thesettlement fust!"

  Turtle informed the old lady that "wimin wouldn't have-ter turn out; it wasonly the men over eighteen years of age--and that there was no fightingdone, only in case of actual invasion of the country, when wimin and allwould have-ter fight like blazes, or the whole settlement would be laid inashes."

  Aunt Sonora still insisted that "guns were _dang_-rous, any way; that they_would_ go off, nobody knew when, and she shouldn't be s'prised to hear ofa dozen men bein' killed at every trainin'; if men would only be ker-ful,but then they wouldn't; they'd all get as crazy as March hares, and as wildas loons!"

  By the law, every company was permitted to choose its own officers, andPuddleford counted just about people enough to make a respectableorganization of one company in numbers. It was resolved to hold a meetingfor organization, and to immediately choose officers at the tavern ofBulliphant, no man under eighteen years of age to be present, because, asLongbow declared, "that would be agin the la', and the proceedin's would beall squashed."

  In truth, Longbow had no doubt in his mind, from the very first, that hewould be captain from the very necessity of the case. He was, he thought,the military pillar of the whole township, as well as the civil; and as hehad generalled everything so far, he did not believe any one would dare todispute his inalienable right to that eminent position. So the Squire beganvery early to talk learnedly about the last war, and the blood and furywhich accompanied it; and he put on a very ferocious look when in public,and was frequently seen practising with his old fusee at a mark, whichdischarged like a funnel, wrong end foremost. "He had a brother," he said,"who fit at Lunder's Lane, and who was shot in the back, by savage Injunsin the rear, jest as he was a-bagnettin' some of the British!"

  Turtle, who was a little ambitious for the office, and who saw the drift ofthe Squire's bravado, said, "he guessed he was a-runnin' when he got thatare shot."

  The Squire replied, that "he shouldn't sit still and hear such talk fromany man. He didn't care 'bout his brother--it warn't that--but to hear thepatriots of our country slandered was a species of high treason, and thatwas agin the constitution; and that 'ere insterment couldn't be violated inhis presence by no man--_he_ was a sworn officer--and the glorious blood ofthe great wars was a sacred thing in his eye--and it _should_ beprotected."

  Turtle declared, "it didn't make any difference what the Squire's _brother_did, or did not do--it didn't help the Squire any. He guessed the Squire'sblood had Peter'd out."

  The Squire said, "he was the last man to boast of his relations, but bloodwas blood, whatever they might say."

  On the famous night when the election came off, the tavern of Bulliphantwas crowded. A dozen or more ragged urchins, who had been barred out byauthority contained in the notice, had clustered around the windows, andwere gazing in with awe upon the assemblage. The "wimin" had been admittedby special grace, and occupied the adjoining rooms. It was a most momentousoccasion--a great day for Puddleford--"it looked so much like war," as AuntSonora said, "as if they were a-goin' to fight right off."

  The Squire rose, after the crowd had gathered, and said, "the first thingin order was to drink--it wouldn't be proper to enter into any importantmilitary business, without first drinking to our common country--and hewished the land_lud_ to set on a gallon of baldface--the Puddleford namefor whiskey--so the wheels could be started right."

  "And another thing," exclaimed Turtle; "we want the American flag and aneagle, these 'ere glorious symbols that went along with our forefatherswhen they were a fightin' for the liberties of our country!" but asPuddleford had no flag, a compromise was made, and the meeting concluded tonail a shilling pocket-handkerchief, which had one painted on it, to thebar, leave out the eagle, and take the whiskey.

  Squire Longbow took the chair, and said, "he would listen to anything themeetin' had to say. He was by la' inspector of elections."

  Turtle objected--"he didn't know whether he'd take the chair or not--thatwas for the meetin' to say."

  The Squire said, "he took it by virtue of bein' a member of the board ofinspectors of township elections--and this was one of 'em--a regulartownship 'lection, and nothin' else, held by authority of la', under thestatert, past and 'proved, and sent him as justis to be lived up to."

  Turtle replied, "he didn't see how the Squire was a _board_ of inspectors;'cordin' to his own showin'--where's the township clerk, and where's thesupervisor--have you swallow'd 'em all up, Mr. Longbow?" He objected, andhe wanted his objection noted--taken down in black and white.

  The Squire said, "that was _their_ business--if they neglected the defenceof our common country, _he_ couldn't help it--he meant to be a patriot, andstand up to the constitution and staterts, if every man in Puddlefordturned traitor." The Squire swelled out very large, after concluding thisspeech.

  At this point, Aunt Sonora, who was intently absorbed in the earnestnesswhich pervaded the meeting, and who sat in the next room, rose, and askedthe Squire "if there was really goin' to be war?"

  The Squire replied, "that the meetin' must not be disturbed; the wimin hadbeen let in as a great favor--for he didn't think the statert meant to havea soul on 'em present, and he didn't know but jest that thing would blowall the proceedin's to flinders in the higher courts, and that _every soul_on 'em would be court-martialed."

  Aunt Sonora slunk out of sight, drew her handkerchief, and heaved a longsigh.

  Turtle rose and said, "he would nominate the Colonel captain of the firstmilitia company of Puddleford."

  "That's straight agin la'!" exclaimed the Squire; "that makes a _vivy vocy_vote on't, and we can't take any _vivy vocy_ vote here; this 'ere thing hasgot-ter go through the town ballot-box, or it won't be legal--this votemust be returned in form to the governor, and if _he_ should see it was a_vivy vocy_ vote, he'd squash everything quicker'n you could say JackRobinson." The Squire didn't like the nomination--he was determined to becaptain himself.

  Turtle asked the Squire "if a hat would not
do to collect votes?"

  The Squire said, "nothing short of the legally authorized boxes; hecouldn't trample down the la'."

  The legally authorized boxes were procured, and the voting was ready to goforward.

  Hereupon the Squire arose, and blowing his nose with one finger, a side ata time, and heaving a few sepulchral hems, said "that it was his duty tosay a few words: He was something of a military man himself--he belonged tothe Hos Guards down in the Susquehannas, when he was a young man, a greatmany years ago, and they had sham fights most every year." ("Was anybodykilled?" exclaimed Aunt Sonora, who had forgotten herself, and whose nerveshad been shocked by hearing the word "fight.")

  The Squire turned to Aunt Sonora, and declared that "it was the last timeshe _should_ speak. They had sham fights most every year," continued theSquire, "and he recollected that, while pursuin' the enemy in an openfield, he fell from his horse, and bruised his head, but he caught hishorse agin, and jined his company, 'fore anybody knew what had happened."

  Turtle rose, and inquired, "What he put on his head? If it warn'topodildoc?"

  "And that company," continued the Squire, disregarding Turtle's question,"is in existence yet, and is commanded by Captain Zekiel--Zekiel--Zekiel--Idon't know what his t'other name is; and there ain't no time,feller-citizens, sin' it's bin a company, that it wouldn't er turned out inwar if there'd bin a war, and they'd bin called on, feller-citizens."

  Turtle Said "he know'd about the last war, and he never heer'd of thatcompany of Hos Guards nowhere."

  "Ah! but you see!" answered the Squire, "they weren't called on--and hemight as well say that he was _lef_-tenant onc't in the great Pennsylvaneymilitia--not that he wanted to be captain of _this_ company--and he might a'gone higher, but he wouldn't take it--his former wife, that's dead andgone, know'd that. And then, feller-citizens, there's a great deal of la''bout our militia, and if a captin don't know the la', everything will beillegal, and _every_ son of you will be called up and court-martialed, andfined, and 'prisoned, and your property taken and sold; and there ain't no'peelin' it up, for military laws ain't like other laws, feller-citizens,they ain't--"

  "That's a lie!" exclaimed Turtle.

  "_Who_ says that's a lie?" vociferated the Squire, jerking his head around."_What's_ a lie?"

  "It's _all_ a lie!" repeated Ike.

  "Give me that 'ere statement," roared the Squire. It was handed up. "Byauthority in me vested, in that 'ere book, I fine you one dollar. It's acontempt, sir--a contempt upon both a justice of the peace, and a 'spectorof 'lections. I oughter say _two_ dollars--it's a double contempt--I fineyou one dollar, sir; and you can't vote, sir, here, sir, in this 'eremeetin', sir, while you're under contempt, sir, until you pay the dollar,sir--and I might sue you for special damages, sir, but _I_ don't care 'boutthat, sir--it is my office that I am protectin';" and the Squire sat downin the midst of his unfinished speech, filled with wrath.

  Squire Longbow was very sincere in his position which he had so confidentlytaken. He had been so long a magistrate, and "head man" of Puddleford, andhe had been so closely identified with its public affairs, that he felthimself always in court, and every personal insult was construed by himinto a contempt. Turtle humored the weakness of the old man, when hisdignity was in jeopardy, and on this occasion he felt no alarm, for he knewthat the fine would never be collected. Turtle owed the Squire more finesalready than he was worth.

  Squire Longbow was elected captain of the Puddleford company. When he spokeso eloquently of the liberty and property of the people being so likely tobe jeopardized by an officer ignorant in the law, he carried his point, forthere was no man in the settlement so mighty as the Squire in that respect,in the estimation of the public.

  In the fall, the Squire exhibited the first Puddleford militia company everassembled upon parade to the gaping wonder of its men, women, and children.He formed his raw recruits into a line by the aid of a board fence, whichwas supposed to be nearly straight, in the outskirts of the place. TheSquire was a very blood-thirsty looking captain, after he had mounted hisregimentals. He had turned up a broad-brimmed felt hat, and tacked thesides by a flaming red cockade made of flannel, and had fastened an ostrichfeather, which he found in the wardrobe of his second wife, Aunt Graves, inits top, which drooped heavily over his back. His coat was his besthomespun, the same that was woven by the hands of his first wife, and inwhich he afterwards courted Aunt Graves, and it was bedizened with stripesof cloth of every color. His sword was an old-fashioned affair, which hehad loaned of Ike Turtle, and was an heirloom in the Turtle family, ithaving been used by his grandfather in the revolutionary war. His waistcoatwas red, and his boot-legs came over his pantaloons, each one supporting aheavy cotton tassel, which swung to and fro as he walked.

  The company was as complete a specimen of ragamuffins as were evercongregated together. There were three guns to the crowd, and the balanceof the arms were made up of the most murderous implements within reach,such as axes, pitchforks, &c.

  But the Squire did not forget his dignity for a single moment. He put on amartial air, and felt himself every inch a captain. While his company stooderect in a line against the board fence, he marched backwards and forwards,looking at it over his shoulder, with the greatest military pride, whilethree dogs, his own property, and who had come out to witness the parade,trotted after him. When the Squire wheeled to retrace his steps, the dogswheeled; when the Squire faced about to take a broadside view of hiscompany, the dogs sat down on their haunches, and took a view with him.During the exercises, the Squire accidentally cut a low flourish with hissword, and upset one of his own curs, who went howling towards the fence,and lay down in the shade, perfectly satisfied with war, while the othertwo, taking warning, retired farther in the rear, where they thought theycould see just as well. The Squire had not studied very deeply militaryworks on tactics, and his orders were somewhat monotonous, and were mostlymade up of two--"Shoul-_der_ arms!" and "Rest!" Walking a few paces, hewould suddenly wheel and cry, like the cracking of a pistol, in a mostfurious tone--"Shoul-_der_ arms!" then taking a few strides, which seemedto soften his temper, he would turn softly, as if he repented hisharshness, with--"Rest!" And the Puddleford company for an hour shoulderedand unshouldered their arms, to the astonishment of the crowd of urchinsthat were looking on.

  It had been announced for a week, that the field exercises would come offin the afternoon, at three o'clock. The ladies were invited to attend atthat hour, to witness the display. Squire Longbow gave as a reason for thissecond eruption of patriotism, that the "Hos Guards down on theSusquehannas allers had field exercises in the arternoon,"--"that, if ithadn't-er been for field exercises, the Hos Guards wouldn't-er never beenfit for war,"--and Aunt Sonora told Mrs. Swipes, and Mrs. Swipes told Mrs.Beagle, and they all told somebody else, that the field exercises weregoing to be "jist sich as the Squire used to have down on theSusquehannas." Aunt Sonora, however, sent down her boy Jabez to inquire ofSquire Longbow's wife, if there was a-goin' to be any shootin' there, forif there was, "she was the last critter that would go--she could tell 'emthat."

  At noon the Puddleford company adjourned for one hour, when the Squirethanked them, "one and all, for their grand military performance, which wasa credit alike unto themselves and their country, and he hop'd they'd be onhand in the arter-_noon_, 'cordin' to law."

  At three o'clock the troops assembled for field exercises, in a ten-acrelot, and they appeared to be very much recruited. Some eight or ten of thepatriots, however, had evidently been indulging at the "Eagle," and theydid not stand quite plumb. The captain found it very difficult to form theminto a line. Beagle could not possibly shoulder arms without saggingagainst the column. Swipes stood much straighter than he did when sober inthe forenoon. He was so anxious to disguise his condition, that he hadplanted himself in a most defiant attitude, with one foot advanced, and hadfixed his eyes upon the sky; he went through the exercises in a twitching,nervous way, as if Longbow was moving him like a puppet by a string.
Turtlefelt mischievously well, and the colonel stood as stoical as if he expectedto lay down his life before the enemy in fifteen minutes.

  The Squire's three dogs, who had been out during the forenoon, had returnedto see the end of the parade. Thirty or forty women and children were alsopresent, sitting upon stumps, and hanging upon fences in a verymiscellaneous sort of confusion. Aunt Sonora and Mrs. Longbow had procureda couple of chairs, and the old lady seated herself, and took up herknitting. Mrs. Longbow did not mix very much with the crowd, because shecould not forget that her husband was "captin of the day," as she said,and she and her husband she felt to be one.

  The Squire formed the company into a line. "The fust thing to be did,"exclaimed he, drawing his sword, and swinging it three times around hishead, as a kind of three cheers, and scaring his dogs by this frightfulflourish, repeated before their eyes, and who had not forgotten theaccident of the morning--"the fust thing to be did, feller-sogers, is toturn a circle."

  "To turn a _what_?" roared Turtle from the ranks.

  "To turn a circle," repeated the captain, "as the Hos Guards used to do,down inter the Susquehannas."

  "T-h-u-n-d-e-r!!" ejaculated Ike.

  "No talking in the ranks--'tis finable--and 'twon't be permitted. We'reunder martial law, and that's _very sum_'ry, Mr. Turtle, very _sum_'ry! Andto turn a circle," continued the Squire, "is one-er the most complercatedrevolutions ever performed by the Hos Guards. I hereby appoint Mr. Beaglethe centre pin. Mr. Turtle will head the column--Mr. Beagle will standstill, and the column will sweep round him, to the point from which theystarted. Heads up! Shoul-_der_ arms! Ev'ry man to his post!"

  The captain drew his sword, and cried terribly, "For-_erd_, men!" Turtleran--the man behind him ran--and all ran, helter-skelter, some whooping,some groaning, and in their sweep they took in a score of ragged boys, andhurled them upon Aunt Sonora and Mrs. Longbow, who keeled over backwards intheir chairs, their petticoats fluttering, in their somerset, in the faceof the whole company. The Squire, forgetting his own position, when he sawthe position of his second wife, hastened to her rescue, set her up, andpointed with his sword to the road, and she and Aunt Sonora pusheddesperately for the fence, their hair streaming behind them, bellowing"Murder!" while the company brought up in the shape of a pot-hook, havingabout half described the circle,--Beagle, the "centre-pin," crying to themto "come on!"

  "H-ll!" involuntarily ejaculated the Squire, as he looked upon theconfusion.

  "That's swearin'," said Ike from the ranks, "and is agin the statert."

  The Squire explained. "He didn't swear as a justis', he swore as a captin',and captins allers swore on the field-er action--but he'd take that 'ereoath back.--What do you s'pose the Hos Guards would think of such arevolution as that 'ere,"--continued the Squire, looking at the huddlebefore him, "wouldn't _they_ swear? Do you call that a circle?--Every manto his post in a line!" and the company straggled back into a column.

  Aunt Sonora sat upon the fence, panting with fright, and fanning herflushed face with her cotton handkerchief. She told Mr. Longbow that "sheknow'd that somebody'd be kill'd afore night--these sogers were so_ker_-less--everybody was so hurly-burly, they'd run anybody right down,and stomp on 'em; and if she hadn't got out-er the way jist as she did, shewould have been a dead woman, she know'd."

  "Now," said the Squire, "we'll try to turn an angle; if you can't turn acircle, maybe you can turn an angle; and we'll drive a stake to turn it by,and Mr. Turtle will again head the column."

  The stake was driven at the point of the right angle, "where," said thecaptain, "you will all turn square around." The column moved forwardsolemnly, in a line like a scythe snath, and, reaching the corner, began towaver. Beagle at last fell headlong over the stake, and the whole companybrought up in a pile around him; whereupon the Squire threw his sword onthe ground, and declared, "he'd throw up his commission--and the countrymight go to grass for all him."

  Turtle, who had brought about this confusion, "regretted the misfortune. Itwas all an accident--Beagle had fallen, and discomboberated the wholeproceedings--accidents would occur on the field--and, in fact, he know'd aman shot down dead once in the ranks--he guess'd the movement had better betried over; the stake, he thought, was a leetle too high."

  The Squire said, "it was very discouragin'--the Hos-Guards down on theSusquehannas turned an angle the fust time tryin'--and on hosses, too. Hisfust wife, now dead and gone, know'd that, for she was thar--it was one ofthe simplest revolutions in all military tactics. He would like jist toknow what a company would be good for, on a field-er battle, that couldn'tturn an angle? He would jist like to know what they would do if they werefollowing the enemy through a hilly country, if they couldn't turn anangle?--they'd all be butcher'd 'fore they could get round to the spotthey'd started for. War was war--and the revolution ought to be did jist asif we were to-day fightin' for our liberties. He'd like to know what theHos Guards would say if he should tell 'em that one of his sogers hadfallen down turnin' an angle! He would throw up his commission afore he'dtell 'em any such thing."

  Beagle said he "stumbled." "Stumbled!" roared the Squire. "Youstumbled!--who ever heard of the Hos Guards stumblin'! Stumbled? by thegreat Bonyparte--that ain't swearin', Mr. Turtle--you'd be hung by theneck, sir, if you stumbled on the field-er battle--it's a hangin' offence,sir--a hangin' offence, sir. We are under martial law, sir, to-day, sir,and if it was war time, sir, I'd order you to be stretch'd, sir, in fiveminutes, sir, from that 'ere tree, sir--I'd show you war, sir--real war,sir! bloody war, sir!"

  Turtle suggested that a lower stake had better be driven--or the outsideangle of the fence would be still better, that _would_ stand--they couldwalk round a fence corner, he knew.

  Aunt Sonora "hop'd for massy-sakes they warn't a-goin' to come out of thefield--they ought-er be fenced in--she thought it warn't safe!"

  Mrs. Longbow, who had great confidence in her husband, said, "she needn'tbe alarm'd any, the capt'n would take care on 'em."

  The Squire declared, "he wouldn't try any sich revolution over agin, but hethought they _could_ march in platoons;" and thereupon he cried, "Company,form in pla-_toons_!"

  Turtle said, "he wasn't any war character, and he didn't know what a_platoon_ was, but he know'd Injun file."

  "Well, Injun file, then," exclaimed the captain; and from Injun file,Longbow set them around into a hollow square, put the women in the centre,and he delivered to his troops the address of the day, with uncoveredheads, and in the most affecting silence.

  The address was a very patriotic production. The Squire drew heavily fromthe great revolutionary war to find inspiring materials to stimulate hisforces. He told them, among other things, that his own grandfather was"wounded in the hip a-fightin' for his country, and that he draw'd apension arterwards as long as he lived. He hop'd they'd all get ready forthe great muster that was a-goin' to come off in a few weeks; for thegin'ral would be there, then, and a good deal was expected of thePuddleford company on that occasion." The Squire had forgotten theunfortunate blunders of the day, in his enthusiasm, or, at any rate, he didnot allude to them, for he said, "he was proud of the soldier-like bearin'of his men, and the great respect they all seem'd to have for theircapt'n--that their arms were not 'zactly accordin' to la'."

  "'Cording to the Lord," whispered Aunt Sonora, horrified, veryaudibly--"Hear that."

  "'Cording to _la'_," repeated the Squire, who overheard her, "not 'zactly'cordin' to la', but it is a constructive compliance with the statert, andwill pass muster on the first turn-out;" and, thankin' them all for theirattendance, he adjourned the company _siney die_.