CHAPTER II.

  Lawsuit: Filkins against Beadle.--Squire Longbow and his Court.--Puddleford assembled.--Why Squire Longbow was a Great Man.--Ike Turtle and Sile Bates, Pettifoggers.--Mrs. Sonora Brown.--Uproar and Legal Opinions.--Seth Bolles.--Miss Eunice Grimes.--Argument to Jury, and Verdict.

  My intercourse with the inhabitants of Puddleford had been frequent duringthe summer, and my acquaintance with them had now become quite general. Onemorning, in the month of September, I was visited by a constable, who veryauthoritatively served upon me a venire, which commanded me to be andappear before Jonathan Longbow, at his office in the village of Puddleford,at one o'clock P. M., to serve as a juryman in a case, then and there to betried, between Philista Filkins, plaintiff, and Charity Beadle, defendant,in an action of slander, etc. The constable remarked, after reading thisthreatening legal epistle to me, that I had better "be up to time, asSquire Longbow was a man who would not be trifled with," and then leisurelyfolding it up, and pushing it deep down in his vest-pocket, he mounted hishorse, and hurried away in pursuit of the balance of the panel. Of course,I could not think of being guilty of a contempt of court, after having beenso solemnly warned of the consequences, and I was therefore promptly on thespot, according to command.

  Squire Longbow held his court at the public house, in a room adjoining thebar-room, because the statute prohibited his holding it in the bar-roomitself. He was a law-abiding man, and would not violate a statute. I found,on my arrival, that the whole country, for miles around, had assembled tohear this interesting case. Men, women, and children had turned out, andmade a perfect holiday of it. All were attired in their best. The men weredressed in every kind of fashion, or, rather, all the fashions of the lasttwenty years were scattered through the crowd. Small-crown, steeple-crown,low-crown, wide-brim, and narrow-brim hats; wide-tail, stub-tail, andswallow-tail, high-collar, and low-collar coats; bagging and shrunkenbreeches; every size and shape of shirt-collar were there, all brought inby the settlers when they immigrated. The women had attempted to ape thefashions of the past. Some of them had mounted a "bustle" about the size ofa bag of bran, and were waddling along under their load with greatsatisfaction. Some of the less ambitious were reduced to a mere bunch ofcalico. One man, I noticed, carried upon his head an old-fashioned,bell-crowned hat, with a half-inch brim, a shirt-collar running up tightunder his ears, tight enough to lift him from the ground (this ran out infront of his face to a peak, serving as a kind of cutwater to his nose), afaded blue coat of the genuine swallow-tail breed, a pair of narrow-fallbreeches that had passed so often through the wash-tub, and were soshrunken, that they appeared to have been strained on over his limbs: thisindividual, reader, was walking about, with his hands in his pockets,perfectly satisfied, whistling Yankee Doodle, and other patriotic airs.Most of the women had something frizzled around their shoes, which werecalled pantalets, giving their extremities the appearance of the legs of somany bantam hens.

  The men were amusing themselves pitching coppers and quoits, runninghorses, and betting upon the result of the trial to come off, as every onewas expected to form some opinion of the merits of the case.

  The landlord of the Eagle was of course very busy. He bustled about, hereand there, making the necessary preparations. Several pigs and chickens hadgone the way of all flesh, and were baking and stewing for the table. Aboutonce a quarter "Old Stub" "moistened his clay," as he called it, with alittle "rye," so as to "keep his blood a-stirring." _Mrs._ "StubBulliphant" was busy too. _She_ was a perfect whirlwind; her temper wasmade of tartaric acid. Her voice might be heard above the confusion aroundgiving directions to one, and a "piece of her mind" to another. She _was_the landlady of the Eagle beyond all doubt, and no one else. Better diethan doubt that.

  "Bulliphant!" screamed she, at the top of her lungs, "Bulliphant, you greatlout, you! what in the name of massy sakes are you about? No fire! no wood!no water in! How, in all created natur, do you s'pose a woman can getdinner? Furi_a_tion alive, why don't you speak? Sally Ann! I say, Sally_Ann_! come right here this minute! Go down cellar, and get a jug ofbutter, some milk, and then--I say, Sally Ann!--do you hear me, SallyAnn?--go out to the barn and--run! run! you careless hussy, to the stove!the pot's boiling over!"

  And so the old woman's tongue ran on hour after hour.

  At a little past one, the court was convened. A board placed upon twobarrels across the corner of the room, constituted the desk of SquireLongbow, behind which his honor's solitary dignity was caged. Pettifoggersand spectators sat outside. This was very proper, as Squire Longbow was agreat man, and some mark of distinction was due. Permit me to describe him.He was a little, pot-bellied person, with a round face, bald head, swellednose, and had only one eye, the remains of the other being concealed with agreen shade. He carried a dignity about him that was really oppressive toby-standers. He was the "end of the law" in Puddleford; and no man couldsustain a reputation who presumed to appeal from his decisions. He settledaccounts, difficulties of all sorts, and even established land-titles; butof all things, he prided himself upon his knowledge of constitutionalquestions. The Squire always maintained that hard drinking was "agin" theConstitution of the United States, "and so," he said, "Judge Story onceinformed him by letter when he applied to him for aid in solving thisquestion." "There is no such thing as slander," the Squire used to say,"and so he had always decided, as every person who lied about another, knewhe ought not to be believed, because he _was_ lying, and therefore the'_quar-animer_,' as the books say, is wanting." (This looked rather bad for"Filkins's" case.) Sometimes Squire Longbow rendered judgments, sometimesdecrees, and sometimes he divided the cause between both parties. TheSquire said he "never could submit to the letter of the law; it was agin'personal liberty; and so Judge Story decided." "Pre-_ce_-dents", as theywere called, he wouldn't mind, not even his own; because then therewouldn't be any room left for a man to change his mind. "If," said theSquire, "for instance, I fine Pet. Sykes to-day for knocking down JobBluff, that is no reason why I should fine Job Bluff to-morrow for knockingdown Pet. Sykes, because they are entirely different persons. Human natur'ain't the same." "Contempt of court," the Squire often declared, "was theworst of all offences. He didn't care so much about what might be saidagin' Jonathan Longbow, but _Squire_ Longbow, Justice of the Peace, mustand should be protected;" and it was upon this principle that he finedPhil. Beardsley ten dollars for contradicting him in the street.

  "Generally," the Squire says, "he renders judgment for the plaintiff,"because he never issues a process without hearing his story, anddetermining the merits. "And don't the plaintiff know more about his rightsthan all the witnesses in the world?" "And even where he has a jury," theSquire says, "that it is his duty to apply the law to the facts, and thefacts to the law, so that they may avoid any illegal verdict."

  The court, as I said, was convened. The Squire took his seat, opened hisdocket, and lit his pipe. He then called the parties:--

  "Philista Filkins!" "Charity Beadle!"

  "Here," cried a backwoods pettifogger, "I'm for Philista Filkins; am alwayson hand at the tap of the drum, like a thousand of brick."

  This man was a character; a pure specimen of a live western pettifogger. Hewas called Ike Turtle. He was of the snapping-turtle breed. He wore a whitewool-hat; a bandana cotton-handkerchief around his neck; a horse-blanketvest, with large horn-buttons; and corduroy pantaloons; and he carried abull's-eye watch, from which swung four or five chains across his breast.

  "Who answers for Charity Beadle?" continued the Squire.

  "I answer for myself," squeaked out Charity; "I hain't got any counsel,'cause he's on the jury."

  "On the jury, ha! Your counsel's on the jury! Sile Bates, I suppose.Counsel is guaranteed by the Constitution--it's a personal right--let Sileact as your counsel, then."

  And so Sile stepped out in the capacity of counsel.

  "Charity Beadle!" exclaimed the Squire, drawing out his pipe and laying iton his desk, "stand up and raise
your right hand!"

  Charity arose.

  "You are charged with slandering Philista Filkins, with saying, 'She warn'tno better than she ought to be;' and if you were believed when you said so,it is my duty, as a peace-officer, to say to you that you have been guiltyof a high offence, and may the Lord have mercy on your soul. What do yousay?"

  "Not guilty, Squire Longbow, by an eternal sight, and told the truth, if weare," replied Bates. "Besides, we plead a set-off."

  "I say 'tis false! you are!" cried Philista, at the top of her lungs.

  "Silence!" roared Longbow; "the dignity of this court shall be preserved."

  "Easy, Squire, a little easy," grumbled a voice in the crowd, proceedingfrom one of Philista's friends; "never speak to a woman in a passion."

  "I fine that man one dollar for contempt of court, who_ever_ he is!"exclaimed the Squire, as he stood upon tiptoe, trying to catch the offenderwith his eye.

  "I guess 'twarn't nothing but the wind," said Bates.

  The Squire took his seat, put his pipe in his mouth, and blew out a longwhiff of smoke.

  "Order being restored, let the case now proceed," he exclaimed.

  Ike opened his case to the jury. He said Philista Filkins was a maiden ladyof about forty; some called her an _old_ maid, but that warn't so, not byseveral years; her teeth were as sound as a nut, and her hair as black as acrow. She was a nurse, and had probably given more lobelia, pennyroyal,catnip, and other roots and herbs, to the people of Puddleford, than allthe rest of the women in it. Of course she was a kind of _peramrulary_being. (The Squire here informed the jury that _peramrulary_ was a legalword, which he would fully explain in his charge.) That is, she was obligedto be out a great deal, night and day, and in consequence thereof, CharityBeadle had slandered her, and completely ruined her reputation, and brokenup her business to the damage of ten dollars.

  Bates told the court that he had "no jurisdiction in an action of slander."

  Longbow advised Bates not to repeat the remark, as "that was a kind ofcontempt."

  Some time had elapsed in settling preliminaries, and at last the cause wasready.

  "We call Sonora Brown!" roared out Ike, at the top of his lungs.

  "No, you don't," replied the Squire. "This court is adjourned for fifteenminutes; all who need refreshment will find it at the bar in the next room;but don't bring it in here; it might be agin' the statute."

  And so the court adjourned for fifteen minutes.

  There was a rush to the bar-room, and old Stub Bulliphant rolled aroundamong his whiskey bottles like a ship in a storm. Almost every person dranksome, judging from the remarks, "to wet their whistle;" others, "to keeptheir stomach easy;" some "to Filkins;" others, "to Beadle," etc., etc.

  Court was at last convened again.

  "Sonora Brown!" roared Ike again.

  "Object!" exclaimed Sile; "no witness; hain't lived six months in thestate."

  Squire Longbow slowly drew his pipe from his mouth, and fixed his eyes onthe floor in deep thought for several minutes.

  "Hain't lived six months in the state," repeated he, at last; "ain't noresident, of course, under our Constitution."

  "And how, in all created airth, would you punish such a person for perjury?I should just like to know," continued Sile, taking courage from theSquire's perplexed state of mind; "our laws don't bind residents of otherstates."

  "But it isn't certain Mrs. Brown will lie, because she is a non-resident,"added the Squire, cheering up a little.

  "Well, very well, then," said Sile, ramming both hands into hisbreeches-pocket very philosophically; "go ahead, if you wish, subject to myobjection. I'll just appeal, and blow this court into fiddle-strings! Thiscause won't breathe three times in the circuit! We won't be rode over; weknow our rights, I just kinder rather think."

  "Go it, Sile!" cried a voice from the crowd; "stand up for your rights, ifyou bust!"

  "Silence!" exclaimed Squire Longbow.

  Ike had sat very quietly, inasmuch as the Squire had been leaning in hisfavor; but Sile's last remark somewhat intimidated his honor.

  "May it please your honor," said Ike, rising, "we claim there is no proofof Mrs. Brown's residency; your honor hain't got nothing but Sile Bates'ssay so, and what's that good for in a court of justice? I wouldn't believehim as far as you could swing a cat by the tail."

  "I'm with you on that," cried another voice.

  "Silence! put that man out!" roared Longbow again.

  But just as Ike was sitting down, an inkstand was hurled at him by Sile,which struck him on his shoulder, and scattered its contents over thecrowd. Several missiles flew back and forth; the Squire leaped over histable, crying out at the top of his lungs,--

  "In the name of the people of the State of ----, I, Jonathan Longbow,Justice of the Peace, duly elected and qualified, do command you."

  When, at last, order was restored, the counsel took their seats, and theSquire retired into his box again.

  THE JUSTICE'S COURT OF PUDDLEFORD.

  The testimony of Sonora Brown, the witness who "didn't know anything worthtellin' on:" and who "warn't used to lawsuits, and didn't know how toswear."--Page 42.]

  Sonora Brown was then called for the third time. She was an old lady, witha pinched-up black bonnet, a very wide ruffle to her cap, through which thegray hairs strayed. She sighed frequently and heavily. She said she didn'tknow as she knew "anything worth telling on." She didn't know "anythingabout lawsuits, and didn't know how to swear." After running on with a longpreliminary about herself, growing warmer and warmer, the old lady came tothe case under much excitement. She said "she never did see such works inall her born days. Just because Charity Beadle said 'Philista Filkinswarn't no better than she ought to be,' there was _such_ a hullabalu andkick-up, enough to set all natur crazy!"

  "Why la! sus me!" continued she, turning round to the Squire, "do _you_think this such a dre'ful thing, that all the whole town has got to be settogether by the ears about it? Mude-_ra_-tion! what a humdrum and flurry!"

  And then the old lady stopped and took a pinch of snuff, and pushed it upvery hard and quick into her nose.

  Ike requested Mrs. Brown not to talk so fast, and only answer suchquestions as he put to her.

  "Well, now, that's nice," she continued. "Warn't I sworn, or was't you? andto tell the truth, too, and the _whole_ truth. I warn't sworn to answeryour questions. Why, maybe, you don't know, Mr. Pettifogger, that there arefolks in state's prison _now_ for lying in a court of justice?"

  Squire Longbow interfered, and stated that "he must say that things weregoing on very 'promis'cusly,' quite agin the peace and dignity of thestate."

  "Just so I think myself," added Mrs. Brown. "This place is like atown-meeting, for all the world."

  "Mrs. So-_no_-ra Brown!" exclaimed Ike, rising on his feet, a littleenraged, "do you know anything about what Charity Beadle said aboutPhilista Filkins? Answer _this_ question."

  "Whew! fiddle-de-dee! highty-tighty! so you have really broke loose, Mr.Pettifogger," for now the old lady's temper _was_ up. "Why, didn't you knowI was old enough to be your grandmother? Why, my boy," continued she,hurrying on her spectacles, and taking a long look at Ike, "I know'd yourmother when she made cakes and pies down in the _Jar_seys; and _you_ whenyou warn't more than _so_ high;" and she measured about two feet high fromthe floor. "You want me to _answer_, do you? I told you all I know'd aboutit; and if you want anything more, I guess you'll have to get it, that'sall;" and, jumping up, she left the witness-stand, and disappeared in thecrowd.

  "I demand an attachment for Sonora Brown!" roared out Ike, "an abscondingwitness!"

  "Can't do it," replied the Squire; "it's agin the Constitution to depriveanybody of their liberty an unreasonable length of time. This witness hasbeen confined here by process of law morn-a-nour. Can't do it! Be guilty oftrespass! Must stick to the Constitution. Call your next witness."

  Ike swore. The Squire fined him one dollar. He swore again. The Squirefined him another. The fa
ster the Squire fined, the faster the oaths rolledout of Ike's mouth, until the Squire had entered ten dollars against him.Ike swore again, and the Squire was about to record the _eleventh_ dollar,but Ike checked him.

  "Hold on! hold on! you _old reprobate_! now I've got you! now you aremine!" exclaimed he. "You are up to the limit of the law! You cannotinflict only ten dollars in fines in any one case! Now stand and take it!"

  And such a volley of oaths, cant phrases, humor, wrath, sarcasm, and fun,sometimes addressed to the Squire, sometimes to the audience, and sometimesto his client, never rolled out of any other man's mouth since the flood.He commenced with the history of the Squire, when, as he said, "he was _a_rafting lumber down on the Susque_hanna_;" and he followed him up from thattime. "He _could_ tell the reason why he came west, but wouldn't." Hecommented on his personal appearance, and his capacity for the office ofjustice. He told him "he hadn't only one eye, any way, and he couldn't beexpected to see a great way into a mill-stone; and he didn't believe he hadas many brains as an 'ister. For his part, _he_ knew the law; he hadransacked every part of the statute, as a glutton would Noah's Ark for theremnant of an eel; he had digested it from Dan to Beersheba; swallowedeverything but the title-page and cover, and would have swallowed that ifhe warn't mortal; he was a living, moving law himself; when he said 'law_was_ law, _'twas_ law;' better 'peal anything up from predestination thanfrom his opinion! he would follow this case to the backside of sundown forhis rights!"

  During all this time there was a complete uproar. Philista's friendscheered and hurrahed; the dogs in the room set up their barking; Beadle'sfriends groaned, and squealed, and bellowed, and whimpered, and imitatedall the domestic animals of the day, while the Squire was trying at the topof his lungs to compel the constable to commit Ike for contempt.

  Ike closed and sat down. The Squire called for the constable, but he wasnot to be found. One man told him that "he was in the next room pitchingcoppers;" another, that the last time he saw him "he was running veryfast;" another, that "he rather guessed he'd be back some time another, ifhe ever was, because he was a sworn officer;" another asked the Squire"what he'd give to have him _catched_?" but no constable appeared; he hadput himself out the way to escape the storm.

  A long silence followed this outburst; not a word was said, and scarcely anoise heard. Every one was eagerly looking at the Squire for his nextmovement. Ike kept his eyes on the floor, apparently in a deep study. Atlast he arose.

  "Squire," said he, "we've been under something of a press of steam for thelast half 'our; I move we adjourn fifteen minutes for a drink."

  "Done," answered the Squire; and so the court adjourned for a second time.

  It was now nearly dark, when the court convened again. The trial of thecause, Filkins _vs._ Beadle, was resumed.

  Seth Bolles was called. Seth was a broad-backed, double-fisted fellow, witha blazing red face, and he chewed tobacco continually. He was about twothirds "over the bay," and didn't care for all the Filkinses or Beadles inthe world.

  "Know Filkins and Beadle?" inquired Ike.

  "Know 'em? thunder, yes."

  "How long?"

  "Ever sin' the year one."

  "Ever heard Beadle say anything about Filkins?"

  "Heard her say she thought she run'd too much arter Elik Timberlake."

  "Anything, Seth, about Filkins' character?"

  "Now what do you 'spose I know about Filkins' character? Much as I can doto look arter my own wimmin."

  "But have you heard _Beadle say_ anything about Filkins' character?"

  "Heard her say once she was a good enough-er-sort-a body when she wasa-mind-er-be."

  "Anything else?"

  "Shan't answer; hain't had my regular fees paid as witness."

  Squire Longbow informed Seth that he must answer.

  "Shan't do it, not so long as my name is Bolles."

  The Squire said he would commit him.

  "W-h-e-w!" drawled out Bolles, stooping down, and putting his arms a-kimbo,as he gave the Squire a long look straight in the eye.

  "Order! order!" exclaimed the Squire.

  "Whew! whew! whew _uo-uo-uo_! who's afraid of a justice of the peace?"screamed Seth, jumping up about a foot, and squirting out a gill oftobacco-juice, as he struck the floor.

  Seth's fees were paid him, at last, and the question was again put, if heheard "Beadle say anything else?" and he said "_he never did_;" and thusended Seth's testimony.

  Miss Eunice Grimes was next called. She came sailing forward, and threwherself into the chair with a kind of jerk. She took a few sidelong glancesat Charity Beadle, which told, plainly enough, that she meant to make afinish of her in about five minutes. She was a vinegar-faced old maid, andher head kept bobbing, and her body kept hitching, and now she pulled herbonnet this way, and now that. She finally went out of the fretting intothe languishing mood, and declared she "_should_ die if somebody didn't gether a glass of water."

  When she became composed, Ike inquired if "she knew Charity Beadle?"

  "Yes! I know her to be an orful critter!"

  "What has she done?"

  "What hain't she? She's lied about me, and about Elder Dobbin's folks, andsaid how that when the singing-master boarded at our house, she seed lightsin the sitting-room till past three--the orful critter!"

  "But what have you heard her say about Philista Filkins?"

  "O! everything that's bad. She don't never say anything that's good 'boutnobody. She's allers talking. There ain't nobody in the settlement shehain't slandered. She even abused old Deacon Snipes' horse--the orfulcritter!"

  "But what did she say about _Philista Filkins_?" repeated Ike again.

  "What do you want me to say she said? I hain't got any doubt she's calledher everything she could think on. Didn't she, Philist_y_?" she continued,turning her head towards the plaintiff.

  Philista nodded.

  "Did she say she warn't no better than she ought to be?"

  "Did she? well, she did, and that very few people were."

  "Stop! stop!" exclaimed Ike, "you talk too fast! I guess she didn't say_all_ that."

  "She did, for Philista told me so; and she wouldn't lie for the whole raceof Beadles."

  Squire Longbow thought Eunice had better retire, as she didn't seem to knowmuch about the case.

  She said she knew as much about it as anybody; she want "going to beabused, trod upon; and no man was a man that would insult a poor woman;"and bursting into tears of rage, she twitched out of her chair, and wentsobbing away.

  Philista closed, and Sile stated, in his opening to the court on the partof the defence, that this was a "_little_ the smallest case he ever _had_seen." His client stood out high and dry; she stood up like Andes lookingdown on a potato-hill; he didn't propose to offer scarcely any proof; andthat little was by way of set-off--tongue against tongue--according to thestatute in such case made and provided; he hoped the court would examinethe law for himself. (Here Sile unrolled a long account against Philista,measuring some three feet, and held it up to the Squire and jury.) This, hesaid, was a reg'lar statement of the slanderous words used by PhilistaFilkins agin Charity Beadle for the last three years, with the damageannexed; everything had been itemized, and kept in tip-top style; all inblack and white, just as it happened. Sile was about reading thisformidable instrument, when Ike objected.

  "That can't be _did_ in this 'ere court!" exclaimed Ike; "the light ofcivilization has shed itself a little _too_ thick for _that_. This courtmight just as well try to swallow a chestnut-burr, or a cat, tail foremost,as to get such a proposition a-down its throat."

  Squire Longbow said he'd "never heer'd of such law--yet the question wasnew to him."

  "Laid down in all the law-books of the nineteenth century!" exclaimed Sile,"and never heard on't!"

  "Never did."

  "Why," continued Sile, "the statute allows set-off where it is of the samenatur of the action. This, you see, is slander agin slander."

  "True," replied the Squ
ire.

  "True, did you say!" exclaimed Ike. "_You_ say the statute _does_ allowslander to be set off; _our_ statute--that statute that I learned by heartbefore I knew my A B C's--you old bass-wood headed son--" But the Squirestopped Ike just at this time. "We will decide the question first," hesaid. "The court have made no decision yet."

  Squire Longbow was in trouble. He smoked furiously. He examined thestatutes, looked over his docket, but he did not seem to get any light.Finally, a lucky thought struck him. He saw old Mr. Brown in the crowd, whohad the reputation of having once been a justice in the State of New York.The Squire arose and beckoned to him, and both retired to an adjoiningroom. After about a half an hour, the Squire returned and took his seat,and delivered his opinion. Here it is:--

  "After an examination of all the p'ints both for and agin the 'lowing ofthe set-off, in which the court didn't leave no stone unturned to get atjustice, having ransacked some half a dozen books from eend to eend, andnoted down everything that anywise bore on the subject; recollecting, asthe court well doz, what the great Story, who's now dead and gone, done andwrit 'bout this very thing (for we must be 'lowed to inform this 'semblythat we read Story in our juvenil' years); having done this, and refreshing_our_ minds with the testimony, and keeping in our eye the rights ofparties--right-er liberty, and right-er speech, back'ards and for'ards--forI've as good a right to talk agin you, as you have to talk aginme--knowing, as the court doz, how much blood has been shed 'cause folkswern't 'lowed to talk as much as they pleased, making all natur groan, thecourt is of the opinion that the set-off must be let in; and such is alsoSquire Brown's opinion, and nobody will contradict that, _I know_."

  "Je-_hos_-a-phat!" groaned out Ike, drawing one of his very longestbreaths. "The _great_ Je-_mi_-ma Wilkinson! and so that _is_ law, arterall! There's my hat, Squire," Ike continued, as he arose and reached it outto him; "and you shall have my _gallusses_ as soon as I can get at 'em."

  The Squire said "the dignity of the court must be preserved."

  "Of course it must! of course it must!" replied Ike, who was growing veryphilosophical over the opinion of the Squire; "there ain't no friction onmy gudgeons _now_; I always gins in to reg'lar opinions, delivered uponconsideration; I was just thinking, though, Squire, that as their bill isso much the longest, and as the parties are both here, Charity had betterlet her tongue loose upon my client, and take out the balance on the spot."

  The Squire said "the cause must go on." Sile read his set-off, made up ofslanderous words alleged to have been used; damages fifty dollars; andcalling Charity herself, upon the principle, as he said, "that it was abook-account, and her books were evidence; and her books having been lost,the paper which he held, and which was a true copy--_for he made it outhimself_--was the next best evidence; all of which Charity would swear tostraight along."

  The court admitted Charity, and she swore the set-off through, and somefifty dollars more; and she was going on horse-race speed, when Silestopped her "before," as he told her, "she swore the cause beyond thejurisdiction of a magistrate."

  Here the evidence closed. Midnight had set in, and the cause was yet to besummed up.

  The court informed Ike and Sile that they were limited to half an houreach.

  Ike opened the argument, and _such_ an opening, and _such_ an argument! Itwill not be expected that I can repeat it. There never lived a man whocould. It covered all things mortal and immortal. Genius, and sense, andnonsense; wit, humor, pathos, venom, and vulgarity, were all piled uptogether, and belched forth upon the jury. He talked about the case, thecourt, the jury, his client, the history of the world, and Puddleford inparticular. "The slander was admitted," he declared, "because the defendanthad tried to set off something _agin_ it; and if his client didn't get ajudgment, he'd make a rattling among the dry bones of the law, that wouldrouse the dead of '76!" He was "fifty feet front, and rear to the river;""had seen great changes en the t'restial globe;" "know'd all the sciencesfrom Neb-u-_cud_-nezzar down;" "know'd law--'twas the milk of hisexistence." As to the court's opinion about the set-off, "his head waschock full of cobwebs or bumble-bees, he didn't know which;" "his judgmentwarn't hardly safe on a common note er-hand;" "he'd no doubt but that threejist such cases would run him stark mad;" "Natur was sorry she'd ever hadanything to do with him; and he'd himself been sorry ever since; and as fored'cation, he warn't up to the school-marm, for she _could_ read;" "thejury had better give him a verdict if they didn't want the nightmare." Andthus he was running on, when his half hour expired, but he could not bestopped--as well stop a tornado. So Sile arose, and commenced his argumentfor the defendant; and at it both labored, Ike for plaintiff, Sile fordefendant, until the court swore a constable, and ordered the jury toretire with him, the argument still going on; and thus the jury left theroom, Ike and Sile following them up, laying down the law and the fact; andthe last thing I observed just before the door closed, was Ike's arm runthrough it at us, going through a variety of gestures, his expiring effortin behalf of his client.

  After a long deliberation among the jurors, during which almost everythingwas discussed but the evidence, it was announced by our foreman, on "comingin," that "we could not agree, four on 'em being for fifty dollars for thedefendant 'cording to law, and one on 'em for no cause of action (myself),and he stood out, 'cause he was a-feared, or wanted to be pop'lar withsomebody."

  And thus ended the trial between Filkins and Beadle.