CHAPTER VI.
Educational Efforts.--Squire Longbow's "Notis."--"The Saterday Nite."--Ike and the Squire.--Various Remarks to the Point.--Mrs. Fizzle and the Temperance Question.--Collection taken.--General Result.
There has been much written in the world about the benefits of education. Iam very sure that its importance was not overlooked in Puddleford. I cannotsay that the village has ever produced giants in literature, but it hasproduced great men, comparatively speaking and judging, and very great ifwe take the opinion of the Puddlefordians themselves. Somebody once saidthat "in the kingdom of the blind, the one-eyed are monarchs," and Isuppose it was upon this principle, if we give the maxim a literalconstruction, that Squire Longbow, who had lost an eye, as the reader mayrecollect, had become elevated to such a pitch among his neighbors.
Education, in almost every western community, stands at about a certainlevel among the masses. That level changes with changing generations, butvery seldom among individuals of the same. I ought perhaps to exclude theSquire, who was an exception to all general rules, and would haveundoubtedly distinguished himself anywhere and under any circumstances. Thechildren of the pioneer, or a portion of them, receive educationaladvantages, which had been denied the father, and their children stillgreater, until at last the polished statue rises out of the marble in thequarry.
But there were efforts making at Puddleford, about the time I allude to, toincrease the common stock of knowledge, and keep up the general reputationof Puddleford with that of the world, which ought not to pass unnoticed.
One day in November, I discovered the following notice posted up in thestreets, and nailed to several trees adjacent to the highways in thecountry:--
"NOTIS
"To all it may konsarn--men, wimmin, and their children. Whareas, edication, and knowlidg of all sorts, is very likely to run down in all knew countrys, owin to a great manny reasons that aint propper to go into this ere notis--and whareas many of the habitants of Puddleford and the circumjacint country all round bout it, are in danger of suffering that way--And whareas a few of us leading men have thot on the matter, and concluded that sumthing must very soon be did, or til be too late--therefore a meeting will be held at the log-chapel next Saterday nite, to raise up the karacter of the people in this respect.
(Signed.)
'SQUIRE LONGBOW And others.'"
On the "Saterday nite," mentioned in the above "notis," I attended at thelog-chapel, for the purpose of raising up the "karacter of the people." Thegathering was large--made up of men and women, and quite a number were infrom the country. Squire Longbow, the "Colonel," "Stub Bulliphant" thelandlord of the Eagle, Ike Turtle the pettifogger, Sile Bates his opponent,Charity Beadle, Philista Filkins, "Aunt Graves," "Sister Abigail," SonoraBrown, and a large number of others, made up the meeting. It was veryevident that something _would_ be done. Pretty soon Ike Turtle rose, gave aloud rap with his fist on the side of the house, and said it was "high timethis ere body came to order, and he would nominate Squire Longbow forPresident."
"You've heerd the nomination," continued the Squire, rising slowly from hisseat in another part of the house. "You who are in my favor say Ay!"
"Ay!" exclaimed the house.
"Clear vote--no use in putting the noes;" and Squire Longbow took his standin the pulpit, and proceeded:--
"Feller-citizens, ladies and gentlemen, all on you who are here, just keepstill while I thank you. We have cum up here on a pretty bigbusiness--neither more nor less than edication. P'raps you don't all on youknow that edication makes everybody and everything--it made ourforefathers, it made some of us, and is a going to make our children, if_we_ do _our_ duty. You have made me President on this occasion, and it ismy duty to thank you, and feller-citizens, you don't, you can't, no man_can_ tell how I feel when--"
Here Ike Turtle rose. "Squire Longbow," said Ike, "arn't it ratheron-parliamentary to be speaking when you hain't got no secretary to takethings down?"
The Squire was thunderstruck. "No secretary!" he exclaimed, "no secretary!all void! but I'll appoint Sile Bates secretary _tunk pro nunck_ (nunc protunc), as we say in law, and that'll save proceedings--and as I wassaying," continued the Squire, "no man can tell how I feel, pressed down asI am with the responsibility that you have thrown on to me." The Squirethen took his seat.
Ike Turtle rose again to state the object of the meeting. He said "he wasan old residenter, and he had in fact grown up with the country. He hadseed everything go ahead except edication. Taking out the President,members of the larned professions, the school-master, and the man whotended Clewes' grocery, there warn't hardly a person of edication left.Now," continued Ike, warming up, "this shouldn't orter be--we should allset about de _tar_ mined to do something ('Amen!' groaned Father Beals.)Why, if it looks dark, feller-citizens, remember the dark days of therevolution, when the soldiers went roaming about, with a piece ofcorn-bread in one hand, nothing in t'other, with ragged uniforms on, andlittle or no breeches, yet all the while busting with patriotism. Jest turnyour eyes backwards on to them times, and you'll think you're in paradise.Something's got to be did for edication. We've got to have a Lyceum, alibrary, and lecters on all the subjects of the day. (Here 'Aunt Graves'gave a groan, as she expected all this would be accomplished by taxation.)Don't groan over yender," exclaimed Ike, "'taint right to groan at a newthing just a-starting--might as well groan down a child for fear hewouldn't be a man. Yes, they must be had--I say they must! or we'll all runto seed, and die. Why, Christopher Columbus, men and women, how many on youdon't know your right hand from your left, scientifically speaking, andbyme-by we shall go to ruin as old Nineveh did. Mr. President, I move thata collection be taken for the gineral purposes of this meeting."
I was a little puzzled to determine whether Ike was serious or not. Withall his eccentricities, he was a good citizen, and always put his shoulderto the public wheel. When he made his motion to take up a collection, adead calm fell upon the audience. After a few moments, Sile Bates rose, andsaid,--
He "hoped this 'spectable meeting warn't going to Peter-out."
The calm continued. Squire Longbow stepped forward from his seat in thepulpit, and remarked that "he couldn't see what difference it would make athousand years hence whether they did anything, or whether they didn't."
A man from the country "didn't know what money had to do with edication."
The Colonel said his pockets were "as dry as a powder-house."
One old lady thought "somebody'd have to sign for her 'fore spring."
Aunt Graves thought that "poor folks, who lived on bil'd vittels, hadn'torter be called on."
The hat was, however, passed around, and three dollars and seventy-fivecents raised, "for the gineral purposes of the meeting," according to Ike'smotion; and I will say here that this amount was appropriated towards thepurchase of books for the Puddleford library, which was established at thismeeting, and which has now grown into usefulness and importance.
The hat was reached up to the secretary, who gave it a couple of shakes,declaring at the same time, that he was "happy to say that the publicspirit of Puddleford hadn't gin out yet."
Squire Longbow then rose and said, that "some plan must be laid to get up aset of lecters. There were three great sciences, law, preaching, andphysic--law consarned property, physic consarned the body, and preachingconsarned the soul. These sciences must be scattered, so everybody couldenjoy 'em. He could talk on law himself, and Bigelow could on preaching,and physic was understood, any way. There were other subjects which wouldcome up in their order. There was paintin', and poetry, and music--but themwarn't of no account in a new country where money was skase. Politics wasone of the uncertain sciences, and it didn't do much good to speak on't,any how. A feller might study and study, and just likely as not the nextelection would blow him into fiddle-strings. Yet politics had got to behad, 'cause that was what kept t
he country alive, and made liberty grow.Old Gineral Washington himself had a little on't. He said 'twas one etarnaljob to start edication, but jist get the thing a-goin once, and it'll moveoff like ile--it'll run rite off like a steam injin."
Ike said "he know'd a curtain lecter or two might be had," looking round atStub Bulliphant. "They warn't the worst kind nother. They'd bring a man allup standin', when nothin' else would. He'd seen a fellow cave right inunder one on 'em, and come out as cow'd as a whipt spaniel. About lecterin'on politics, he didn't know. He guessed the bushes were a little too thickto talk on that, yet. He hoped the meetin' would speak right out, and'spress their feelin's, wimmin and all."
Old Mrs. Fizzle had been watching the movement of this august body for sometime, and had thought, several times, that it was her duty to speak. WhenIke, therefore, invited "women and all," she concluded to try it. She was atall, weasel-faced looking person, and belonged to Bigelow's church. Shewas an out-and-out temperance woman, and had kept all Puddleford hot by herefforts to put down the sale of intoxicating drinks. She was a fiery,nervous, active, good sort of a woman. Mrs. Fizzle rose. She said "shethought she would give this meetin' a piece of her mind, consarnin' thingsin general. She didn't know but the meetin' was well enough--she likedmeetins--she said she didn't care nothin' about politics, never did her anygood as she know'd on--she didn't want to hear any lecters any way 'boutthat. If some on 'em would talk 'bout temperance, she'd turn out, and givea little something to help the cause along. She said if she really thoughtthat this meetin' could stop Clewes from selling licker, she'd tend itreg'lar."
"Certainly, ma'am," said Ike, rising, and turning his eyes towards Mrs.Fizzle. "We'll put a _ha_bus corpus on to him 'fore breakfast to-morrowmorning."
Mrs. Fizzle said, "she didn't know what that was, and she didn't care much,if 'twould only hold him tight."
Ike said "it would hold him--couldn't break it no how--it was made by thelaw to catch just such chaps with."
"Wal," said Mrs. Fizzle, "if the law made it, I'm 'fraid on't. I've hearntell how folks creep through holes the law leaves. I don't like yourscorpus, as you call it."
Squire Longbow rose. "He felt it his duty to say, that a writ of habusscorpus would hold anything on airth. It was one of the biggest writs inall nater. He could hold all Clewes' grocery with one on 'em. He felt ithis duty further to say this as a magistrate, who was bound by his oath totake care of the law."
Mrs. Fizzle "thought that would do. She had great 'spect for the Squire'sopinion--and she now thought she'd go in for the meetin'."
Sile Bates said, "for his part, he thought the meetin' was getting a gooddeal mixed. 'Every tub orter stand on its own bottom,' as the Apostle Paul,Shakspeare, John Bunyan, or some other person said. We can't do everythingall at onst; if we try, we can't make the Millennium come until 'tis timefor't. We can kinder straighten up matters--hold onto the public morals alittle more--and give edication a punch ahead. But who knows anything aboutthe sciences in Puddleford? and who can lecter? 'When the blind lead theblind,' as the newspapers say, 'they all go head over heels into theditch.' Great Caesar Augustus, Mr. President, jist think of a lecter on'stronomy, that _etarnal_ science, which no man can lay his hands on, whichthe human intellect gets at by figuring. Just think of Bigelow Van Slyck,Ike Turtle, or _you_, Mr. President, measuring the distance to the stars.Don't it make your head swim, to think on't? He wouldn't say that theSquire couldn't lay down the law for the people, 'cause he made most on't,and ought to know it by heart. (The Squire gave a loud cough, andstraightened himself in his seat.) As for licker, he always _was_ agin it,that is, he never touch'd it except in haying, harvesting, husking, andoccasionally, a little along, between, when he didn't feel right. Hes'posed he was a strict temperance man--was secretary of a teetotal societyonce, but it died out for want of funds to keep up lights and fires. Hehop'd this meetin' wouldn't get so much on its shoulders, as to break down'fore it got started."
There were several more speeches and suggestions made. There were two orthree on the floor at once, several times, during the progress of business.Order was out of the question. A course of lectures was finally decidedupon, and the meeting adjourned. The reader will not forget that the endhad in view by this rough, deliberate body was noble; and, in their ownway, they moved along steadily towards it. Such a people do not forgettheir duty, however ludicrously the discharge of it may be at first.
Looking back from the present, over a period of ten years, at theproceedings of this meeting and its results, I feel quite disposed to writedown Squire Longbow, Ike Turtle, and Sile Bates, among the philanthropistsof the age.