JOHN HENRY ON SUMMER RESORTS
Me for that summer resort gag--Oh! fine!
I fell for a Saratoga set-back this summer but never no more formine.
At night I used to sit up with the rest of the social push anddrink highballs to make me sick, so I could drink Saratoga water inthe morning to make me well.
That's what is called reciprocity, because it works both waysagainst the middle.
Isn't it the limit the way people from all over the country willrush to these fashionable summer resorts with wide open pocketbooksand with their bank accounts frothing at the mouth!
The most popular fad at every summer resort I've ever climbed intois to watch the landlord reaching out for the coin.
Husbands make bets with their wives whether the landlord of thehotel will get all their money in an hour or an hour and a half.
Both husband and wife loose; because the landlord generally gets itin ten minutes.
At some of the hotel diningrooms it costs six dollars to peep in,eight dollars to walk in, and fifteen dollars to get near enough toa waiter to talk soup.
You can see lots of swell guys in the dining-rooms who are nowusing a fork in public for the first time.
This reminds me of an experience I had in a certain summer resortdining-room not long ago.
At a table near me sat Ike Gooseheimer.
Ike is a self-made man and he made a quick job of it.
Ike was eating with his knife and doing it so recklessly that Ifelt like yelling for the sticking plaster.
After I had watched him for about five minutes trying to juggle thenew peas on a knife, it got on my nerves, so I spoke to him.
"Ike," I said, thinking possibly I might cure him with a bit ofsarcasm, "aren't you afraid you will cut yourself with the sword?"
"Aren't you afraid you will cut yourself with thesword?"]
"Oh! no, no," Ike answered, looking at the knife with contempt;"there is no danger at all. But at the Palmer House inChicago--Ah! there they have sharp knives!"
Ike is beyond the breakers for mine.
The races at Saratoga were extremely exciting.
A friend of mine volunteered to pick out the winners for me, butafter I lost eight dollars I decided that it would be cheaper topick out a new friend.
But I do love to mingle with Society at the summer resorts.
It isn't generally known, but one of my great-grandfathers waspresent when the original 400 landed at Plymouth Rock.
My great-grandfather owned the Rock.
A couple of nights after the original 400 landed on Plymouth Rockthe leader of the smart set, Mrs. Von Tweedledum, gave a full dressball.
My great-grandfather looked in at the full dress ball and was soshocked that he went and opened a clothing store next day.
Society never forgave him for this insinuation.
But, say, isn't it immense the way the doings of these Society dubsare chronicled in the Society papers?
In case you haven't noticed them I would like to put you wise to afew:
Social Glints From the Summer Resorts
Among the Smart Setters now present at Saratoga is John J.Sousebuilder, the well-known millionaire from Cincinnati. He ishere to follow the races but he seems to have an idea that thehorses live in the hotel bar-room, because that is where he doesmost of his following.
Cornelius Sudslifter, the well-known inventor of the patentchowless chow chow, is paying deep attention to EsmeraldaGanderface, the brilliant daughter of old man Tightfist Ganderface,the millionaire inventor of a system of opening clams by steam.Cornelius and Esmeralda make a sweet and beautiful picture as theystroll arm in arm to the post-office, where Cornelius mails a checkfor the week's alimony to his former wife, who is visiting lawyersin South Dakota.
Hector J. Roobernik, well known in Society, is spending the summerat Atlantic City. Hector was formerly a Bohemian glass blower, buthe is now rich enough to leave off the last part of his occupation,so he calls himself just a Bohemian--which is different. Hector ispaying deep attention to Phyllis Kurdsheimer, the daughter of MikeKurdsheimer, the millionaire inventor of the slippery elm shoe horn.
Gus Beanhoister, the widely known bunion broker and Society man ofSouth Newark, is summering at Cape May, where he mingles with theother pets of fashion. Gus finds it very hard to refrain fromlooking at people's feet during the bathing hours, but otherwise heis doing quite well.
Hank Schmitpickle and his latest wife from Chicago sailed on thesteamship _Minnehaha_ last week to spend the season in the Britishcapital. The Schmitpickles will occupy the villa at No. 714Cottagecheese Place, Blitheringham Park, near Speakeasy Towers, onthe Old Kent Road, Bayswater, across from Shoreditch--God save theKing!
Mercedes Cauliflower is summering at Narragansett Pier, and her_fiance_, Mr. Peter Cuckoobird, is dancing attendance upon her. Itwill be remembered that Mercedes is the daughter and heiress ofJacob Cauliflower, the millionaire manufacturer of boneless tripe,which has become quite a fad in Society since the Beef Trust gotchesty. Peter Cuckoobird is a rising young brick-layer on hisfather's side, but on account of the fortune left him by hismother, he is now butterflying through life in a gasolene barouchewith diamond settings in the tires.
Hank Dobbs and his daughter, Crystaline, sailed on the Oceanicyesterday for the Riviera. Before the steamship pulled out Hankadmitted that he didn't know whether the Riviera was a city or anew kind of cheese, but if money could do the trick he intended toknow the truth.
Mr. and Mrs. James Shine von Shine were divorced yesterday at thehome of the bride's parents in Newport. The ceremony was verysimple but expensive to the ex-husband. Considerable alimonychanged hands.
The private cottage of Mrs. Offulrich Swellswell at Bar Harbor hasbeen beautifully decorated in honor of the approaching divorce oftheir daughter, Gladys, from her husband, Percy Skiddoo. Percy isthe well-known manufacturer of the reversible two-step so much usedby Society.
Cards are all out for a divorce in the family of the Von Guzzles,but owing to a typographical error in the cards it is impossible tosay whether it is the old man or the son. Both employ blondetypewriters.