Horatio didn't attempt to put up much of a fight for obvious reasons and a few seconds later, Knight hoisted him to his feet and started toward us.
I didn't even glance at Horatio and I noticed he did his damndest not to look at me.
"Where are you parked?" I asked Knight.
"Up the street," Trey answered. "I'll go get the car and meet you at the top of the docks." We both nodded and Trey re-holstered his gun before running up the ramp to the cement walkway and back to the road from which we'd come.
I glanced at Knight and smiled, keeping my Op 6 trained on Horatio. "Not bad."
Knight chuckled. "It's good to have you back."
Seven
When I walked through my door, I was exhausted. After the whole Horatio ordeal and everything that led up to it, I felt like I needed a hot shower and a long nap—as in, sleeping-for-the-next-two-days long. I tore off my jacket, throwing it on the chair beside the door and bemoaned the fact that Blue wasn't around to greet me. I'd have to make a trip to the pound and get Trey a new friend, so he'd relinquish mine.
As I walked into my living room, I thought about getting something to eat, then about taking off my clothes and getting into the shower; but instead, I did nothing. I just stood there like I'd misplaced my brain, like an idiotic zombie. And before I could second guess myself, I suddenly burst into tears.
And it's not like I'm often given to fits of crying. In fact, I could count on one hand the occasions in my life when things have been so bad that I've cried. But even though part of me was shocked by my emotional side, it was in complete control of me. In fact, I wasn't really crying—it was more like sobbing, my entire body was consumed by a convulsion of tears.
It was as if everything that had happened over the last two weeks was suddenly raining down on me, straining my ability to cope. I guess it's true what they say—that everyone has her breaking point. And I was definitely at mine. My entire life had turned upside down and, really, I was living my own worst nightmare. I'd become something I couldn't respect, something that was so unlike me. I was being controlled by someone else, my father, and worse, allowing it. And the mere thought of that sickened me because I'd never subjugated myself before, and always looked down on those who did. Yes, I had to remind myself that my reasons were sound and good—that saving Knight's life meant everything to me, but that didn't mean I wasn't searching for a way out of it. I just needed some time to think, to plan, and in planning, figure out a way to extricate myself and all of my affiliations with Melchior. I just needed time, but so far, time alone was fleeting, if not impossible to find.
Pretty soon, I started hyperventilating and couldn't catch my breath so I told myself to cool it. What good were my tears going to do me anyway? It wasn't like they'd magically flick Melchior O'Neil off the face of the Earth, er, the Netherworld. It wasn't like they'd ensure Knight would be forever safe. No, all in all, they were completely useless and as such, I was done with them.
I shook my head, wiping the water from my eyes and threw myself into my couch, waiting for my breathing to return to normal again. I could feel my tears drying and hoped it would only be a matter of seconds before I could respirate like a completely collected, rational and normal person. Before I had the chance to fully regain control of myself, my cell phone buzzed in my jacket pocket; that is, my personal cell phone, not the one Quillan gave me. Standing up, I grabbed it and I held it up to my face, trying to make out the name through my glassy vision.
It was Knight.
I took a deep breath to feel more calm and a little more in control of myself before I answered. "Hi."
"Dulce," Knight started and his rich baritone warmed my entire being like hot fudge. "Just wanted to check in and see how you were feeling about things."
"Things?" I asked, testing my voice more than his comment. I sounded okay. Maybe a little tired but not like I'd just had a crying fit alone in my living room.
"Yeah, you know—your first bust now that you're back as a Regulator for the ANC ..." I could hear the smile in his voice. Then his tone became a bit quieter. "And everything that's happened between us." I was about to respond when he interrupted me. "Are you going to be up for a while?"
"I guess," I answered, thinking that even though I was more than exhausted, I probably wouldn't be able to sleep. I'd been suffering from sleep deprivation ever since I'd found out Melchior was my father and more, that I was working for him.
"Do you want company?" Knight asked, his voice sounding hesitant. That stuck in my gut because "hesitant" was not a word to describe Knightley Vander. He was outgoing, confident, strong. Sometimes annoyingly so.
"Sure," I said as warmly as I could, but inside me something was about to wither and die as I realized it wasn't right to continue pretending things were fine between us. I knew what I had to do and pretty soon, things wouldn't be fine between us.
"I'll be there soon. Want me to pick anything up?" His tone was warm, happy.
"At two a.m.?" I asked, surprised. "Nothing will be open."
"Shit," he laughed. "Sometimes this job makes me forget what time of day or night it is." He sighed. "I'll see you soon."
Then he hung up the phone and I collapsed onto my couch again, trying to quell the tears that were threatening to re-emerge, but now for a different reason. Now, something within me was snapping at the realization of what I was about to tell Knight—that we were through, that we couldn't date anymore. Of course, I couldn't tell him the real reason—that reason being that my father coerced me into his control by holding Knight's life on the line. Instead, I planned to tell him that things had gotten too complicated for me and that I wasn't comfortable throwing myself into a relationship. I'd buffer that excuse with another one—that since I was now working as a Regulator for the ANC again, I wasn't comfortable carrying on a relationship with my boss. Besides, a relationship between Knight and me was against ANC policy, seeing how he was my manager. I had to admit that I was surprised Knight had never mentioned as much. Sometimes, he definitely bent the rules to suit himself. At any rate, given my past, my reasons for breaking up with him wouldn't seem so farfetched. He always knew I had commitment issues. I'd been so badly hurt by my last relationship, I'd basically given up on men.
I was spared further soliloquies when Knight knocked on the door, a purposeful sound. I stood up and quickly glanced at the mirror on the wall above my couch. I checked my reflection to ensure I didn't look blotchy and red-eyed, or that I’d completely hit rock bottom and been crying my eyes out. I looked okay actually. Maybe a little red, but I could explain that away with allergies. 'Course, as a fairy, I didn't get allergies—being a creature of nature and all—but whatever.
I pulled the door open and greeted Knight with a small smile. He was wearing dark blue jeans and an untucked, long-sleeved, black T-shirt that matched the blackness of his hair. His hair was a little longish, curling around his ears and it gave him a certain unkempt ruggedness that was sexy as all get out. He smiled at me, his full lips spreading into one of the most breathtaking grins I'd ever seen and I felt my entire body deflate on itself. Not only was he beautiful, but he was all around a wonderful person. I felt the exact opposite of a wonderful person—like I was a huge, steaming, stinking dog turd on the bottom of his shoe.
"Come in," I said in a near whisper, opening the door wide. He walked past me and threw himself into the chair beside the couch, propping his large feet on my coffee table. He looked so comfortable, as if he'd just come home from a long day of busting criminal ass, and planned to forget the day’s events in my armchair. Although he dwarfed my chair, he looked as though he was exactly where he belonged.
"Long night," he offered and I closed the door, locking it, before taking a seat on the couch.
"Did you take care of locking him up?" I asked, referring to Horatio.
"Trey did while I wrote up the paperwork. He was one of Baron's guys. Horatio something or other." After Knight had taken Horatio into custody, he'd let me g
o home, explaining that he and Trey could take care of things and I looked like I needed to get some z's. Knight knew me well because he obviously assumed I wasn't going to sleep, which was why he was sitting in my living room now.
"When are the cauldrons coming?" I asked, referring to the shipment in which we disposed of our illegal narcotics busts. Until then, they were kept locked up in the vault. I'd already promised myself to personally see to it that the Yalkemouth was destroyed.
"This week," he answered, eyeing me curiously. "So, Dulce, are you going to tell me what's wrong?"
"Wrong?" I asked, feeling taken aback and sounding just as surprised. Was I wearing my emotions on my sleeve again?
He nodded with a stern expression—like I wasn't going to schmooze myself out of this one. "You look like you've lost ten pounds over the last week and you have bags under your eyes."
"Well, you're beautiful yourself. Thanks for noticing."
He shook his head and leaned forward, squeezing my right thigh just above my knee with his large hand. "I'm serious, Dulcie, what's up?"
I shook my head, refusing to look at him. Then remembering myself, I forced my eyes to meet his and held his gaze. "Nothing's up."
He shrugged and relaxed back into the chair. "Sam said you've been ignoring her—not returning her phone calls. And Dia called yesterday, wondering where the hell you were? Apparently, you aren't returning anyone's calls? I had to convince Sam that you were fine and talk her out of an intervention."
"Intervention?" I repeated with a frown, feeling irritation creeping up within me. "That's taking things a little too far." I shook my head as I considered it. "Holy Hades, I've just been ... busy."
"Doing what?" he demanded and his eyes narrowed on me as he crossed his long legs at the ankles. Relaxing against the chair back, he folded his arms behind his head and looked as if he had all the time in the world to listen to me lie my ass off.
"A little of everything." I shrugged. "I've got a lot on my mind."
"That's fair," he said, standing up and approaching me. He dropped down to his knees in front of me and took my hands in his, forcing me to look into his stunningly beautiful blue eyes. "Dulcie, I know you've been through a lot. We've been through a lot. I just want you to know that I'm here for you. If you ever need to talk, if you need a friend, you have me."
I had to choke down the guilt that suddenly welled up within me. More unshed tears were now ready to betray my words again. "Thank you," I managed and then took a deep breath, looking away from him because I knew if I gave him any more eye contact, I'd lose it.
"I know how independent you are and I know how strong you are, Dulcie, but sometimes you need to break your barriers down and let people in. Sometimes you need to talk about things to get through them."
I faced him again and smiled, dropping my eyes to the ground as I realized he was completely right, but I couldn't open up to him. I couldn't talk to him about everything that was going on because it would put his life in jeopardy. "I'll see Sam tomorrow at work and we'll go to lunch," I said hollowly.
"No," Knight said, with an emphatic shake of his head, leaning forward as he did so. "You and Sam take the day off and spend some quality time together. I'll call her in the morning and tell her to expect you at nine a.m., bright and early."
"Knight, you don't have to do that," I started, but his lips were tight, his jaw clenched, which meant he would not be dissuaded. "Thank you," I said finally, allowing him to take each of my hands in his.
"I care about you, Dulcie," he said frankly. "And everything I said to you when we were in High Prison was true."
I felt my stomach turn. We both admitted our love for each other while rotting away in the main prison of the Netherworld. I was awaiting my sentence and Knight was basically sitting on death row. But as far as whatever we said or didn't say, I couldn't think about those things now. If I did, I knew it would break down my resignation as well as my dedication to doing what I had to do.
"Knight, I realize we were both under a lot of pressure when we were in the Netherworld," I started, hating the way it sounded, and, more so, having to pretend that Knight didn't mean as much to me as he did.
"Dulcie, I meant everything I said," he reiterated, his gaze just as penetrating as his tone. His hold on my hands tightened.
I nodded and said nothing, at a complete loss for words. Well, I knew what I had to say, but that didn't make it any easier. And so far, I was sucking at it.
"Did you mean everything you said?" he asked, after I was silent for a few more seconds.
And this was the moment when I knew I had to force the words out—I had to tell him that we couldn't be together any longer but the words seemed stuck in my throat, as if they were clinging to my tongue with all the strength left in them.
You have to do this! I screamed at myself. Knight's life depends on it! But I was still silent. For fuck's sake, Dulcie!
"Knight, I ..." I started.
Immediately, I could see the pain in his eyes. He knew what I was about to say—probably from my expression or maybe the tone of my voice or the words I’d just uttered. The expression of hope he'd shown earlier was suddenly gone, replaced with dejection. His eyes looked hollow.
"I don't want you to think I didn't mean what I said," I corrected myself quickly, hating myself for inflicting the pain in his eyes. "But things between us can't continue."
His glance was filled with angst but mostly anger. "Why?"
I swallowed hard, feeling as if my tongue was swelling and gagging me. It suddenly occurred to me that I couldn't blame all of this on my break-up baggage with my last boyfriend, Jack. Now it just seemed as if that excuse wouldn't hold weight. Why? Because the problems with Jack couldn’t hold a candle to everything that had happened between Knight and me. I mean, we'd openly admitted our undying love for each other! Those words were so strongly heartfelt and deep, I couldn't imagine anything I said now would hold weight. It was like I was just speaking in hypotheticals—in one-sided masks of reality that would easily fall over as soon as a gusty wind approached.
"I can't work with you and date you at the same time," I admitted at last. The words sounded cheap and flimsy as soon as I uttered them. "It's against ANC policy."
Knight narrowed his eyes and stood up, retreating to the far side of the living room. His back was to me and his shoulders seemed tight, making his posture straight and rigid. When he turned to face me, there was anger in his eyes and grimness to the lines of his mouth. "That's bullshit, Dulcie, and you know it."
I stood up and took a deep breath, trying to convince myself not to lose it. One tear and he'd know I was bluffing, that I wasn't being honest with him or myself. "Whatever my reasons, Knight, I can't do this anymore. Things between us from now on have to be strictly platonic."
He glared at me. "So this whole thing was set up."
"Set up?" I repeated, shaking my head, although dawning realization hit me like a bomb. That was exactly what this looked like—a set-up. He thought I’d only asked for my job back so I could break up with him, blaming it on not being able to work together and date. Although it was the farthest from the truth, the truth was nearly as bad.
He nodded and took a step closer to me. I felt like I was shriveling beneath his stringent gaze. "You wanted your job back because you knew it would be an out where you and I are concerned."
"No, that isn't why," I started, shaking my head again, only this time more adamantly. Before I could defend myself, he interrupted me.
"Then why, Dulcie? Seems pretty damn convenient if you ask me."
My heart started beating frantically. I didn't want to get into an argument with him. I'm not sure what I expected—or what I'd thought his reaction was going to be, but I wasn’t at all prepared for this. "I just, um … I just felt like I belonged in law enforcement," I said sheepishly. As soon as I said it, I realized my reason needed to sound more legitimate than that. A lot more legitimate if Knight was going to buy it. "Going to the N
etherworld reinforced my reasons for getting into law enforcement in the first place. I needed to come back where I belong," I said as a wave of nausea washed over me. I hated the fact that I was a complete and total hypocrite.
"The ANC is where you belong. It's in your blood," he agreed, but crossed his arms against his chest to reveal that he was still angry all the same.
"Please believe me when I say that getting my job back has nothing to do with ... this."
"Then what does this have to do with?"
"I just don't think it's right to work with you and date you, Knight. It's a conflict of interests, especially because you're my boss."
"Then I'll change the arrangement so you can report directly to Caressa."
I swallowed hard. "Knight, Caressa doesn't work in our office and no one else reports to her. It would be too weird and I don't want special favors merely because you and I are in a relationship."
"So you’d prefer to be completely out of the relationship?"
And that was exactly what I was trying to say, but apparently, not doing a good job of saying it. "Knight, I care about you," I started, but he sighed and shook his head.
"But not enough, it seems." He glared at me for a few more seconds and the pain in his eyes nearly undid me. "Damn me for falling for you, Dulcie." He shook his head and stared at something in the distance. "The warning signs had always been there, but I ignored them. I thought you would let me in, that I could help you break down your walls and forget about your past, forget about Jack." He faced me again. "But I was completely wrong." He chuckled acidly. "And fuck me for being completely wrong."
I felt my heart breaking because everything I'd just told him was a complete lie. I was as much in love with him now as I'd ever been. And he had been successful in breaking down my walls! It was solely because of Knight that I was able to put Jack behind me and move on. Knight really had saved me, but of course, I couldn't tell him that. Instead, I had to watch silently after I painted the worst possible picture of myself. I had to simply sit back and allow him to believe that I didn't love him.