His voice is joking, but his eyes give him away. He’s nervous and it hurts my heart that he thinks there is a possibility I’d find someone better than him. Impossible. Andrew is the best guy I’ve ever met. He’s so good for me. That’s why I need to tell him the truth.
“Your silence is making me nervous, babe,” he jokes. Nervously.
I press the palms of my hands against his cheeks and sensually kiss him while situating myself on his lap so I’m straddling his muscular body. Instinctively he grabs hold of my hips and locks me in place, his mouth meshing, molding, melting into mine. The kiss was meant to be innocent, but with one flick of my tongue, Andrew starts moving his hands up my shirt, his thumbs grazing my ribs, the warmth of his palms lighting me up.
I moan into his mouth and start rocking on his lap, loving how I can already feel his excitement beneath me. This is where I want to be, right here, in Andrew’s arms, the world around us fading to black. It’s so safe here. Nothing can get to me when he’s wrapped around me. Not the lies, not the embarrassing truth, and not the messed-up, upturned situation I call my life.
I settle in, loving how he’s just as greedy as I am with his kisses, with the way his hands wander my body. Matching his exploration, I glide my hands up his shirt, taking in each contour of his abs beneath my palms. Unlike other men who flaunt their body, Andrew’s abs are a secret you’d never know about. He keeps them under wraps, but I’m lucky enough to get my hands on him.
“Hey, hold on,” Andrew says, pulling away, his thumbs pressing against my bra.
A little out of breath, I ask, “What?”
“You know I fucking love what we’re doing here, but you never answered my question, and call me crazy, but I want to know what you plan on doing when you’re at school. Are we going to continue what we have? Do you have plans to fuck other guys?”
Taken back by his words, I shake my head. “Of course not, Andrew.” This is it; this is where I tell him the truth. Go on, Sadie. Let it all out. Tell him you dropped out a while ago, that you have no plans of ever returning or revisiting your education. I feel so ashamed. Of myself. Of the truth I’ve hidden. Of him thinking more of me than I deserve.
He searches my eyes; I search his, gathering the courage I need to be able to say something.
I open my mouth just as there is a slam of the door downstairs and a bunch of screaming. Andrew, like the good guy he is, stands quickly, bracing me on the floor and heads to his door. He turns to me and says, “Stay here.”
He runs down the stairs in his bare feet and calls out, “What the hell is—?”
“Andrew!” a bunch of women scream.
I sigh. Let me guess, the other roommates have arrived.
When I travel downstairs, three very tall, very gorgeous, and very athletically built women greet me. Yup, all the roommates are here.
Being the good boyfriend Andrew is, he wraps his arm around my shoulder, introduces me to everyone, and makes sure to include me in on their conversations. I smile, I put on a good show, even though there is a gnawing, grossly disturbing feeling in the pit of my stomach, eating me alive.
I had a chance to lay it all out on the table, and I didn’t. But that’s the problem with shame. Shame doesn’t like company. Shame’s not something that likes to be shared.
***
“Hand me an H,” Smilly says, her hand on the iron, pressing letters onto a shirt.
“Why are you making shirts again?”
Looking at me as if I’m stupid, she shakes her head. “Sadie, are you really choosing to forget that I love a good themed party? That I go all out when it comes to getting together with our friends? And that pictures are important to me?” It’s true. She will really spend her entire paycheck on a party for her friends; she’s amazing like that. “This is our last party of the summer. I’m making everyone a little memento for the summer we spent together, a shirt with their nicknames on it. Who knows when we’ll all be together again with John in the Army and everyone going back to college. Before you know it, people will be graduating and starting real jobs, and at that point, once you start wearing a tie, you can no longer sit at bonfires, burn your ass, and laugh about it later. No, you have to carry around a briefcase full of responsibilities.”
“Is that what you think people do when they graduate? Carry around briefcases?”
“Pretty sure that’s what happens,” Smilly says, sounding entirely sure of herself.
“Might not be completely accurate but I don’t want to get into it.” I play around with the iron-on letters on the table and start spelling out random words, my gut still churning. I’ve felt anxious for the last week. Whenever an opportunity arose to talk to Andrew, I either couldn’t get him alone, I chickened out, or we were interrupted. And, silly me, but I don’t wish for an audience when it comes to telling him the truth.
Smilly tosses a pen in my direction, nailing me in the head. “Hey,” I complain, rubbing on the spot that was hit.
“What’s with you lately? You’ve been super mopey lately.”
Disappointed in myself, I shyly say, “I haven’t told Andrew yet.”
The iron stops moving back and forth and is lifted from the shirt. With her hand on her hip, Smilly stares me down. “You’re kidding me, right?” I shake my head. “Sadie, school starts in a week. What the hell do you think is going to happen when he starts at Binghamton and you continue to work at Friendly’s?”
“I don’t know.” I rub my hands over my face. “God, I’m so ashamed. I’m embarrassed, I want nothing to do with this life I’ve created, and I sure as hell don’t want to tell Andrew about it.”
“Well, he’s going to find out. You can’t keep this from him, especially when he’s expecting to visit you at Cornell. Hell, what a shock that would be, to drive out to Ithaca only to realize his girlfriend no longer goes to Cornell. What the hell have you been waiting for, Sadie?”
“The right moment.” I cringe, knowing that’s a cop-out.
“It’s never the right moment. You just have to say it. Does he even know about Tucker? About the baby?”
“No. He doesn’t need to know about that.”
“Ahh, I see.” Smilly nods her head and steps away from the ironing board, choosing to sit on the counter of the small kitchen instead. “So you’re planning on building a relationship with this kind, caring, sweet man based on a bunch of lies? Am I getting this straight? You think you can just have a partnership with this man, refusing to tell him anything about your past? You know that is never going to work, right? If you’re serious about him, really serious, then you need to build a foundation with him based on truth, on trust.” Looking me square in the eyes, she adds, “Yeah, I said the word, trust. You have to understand that the people you grew up with, the ones who know what you’ve been through, they aren’t the only ones you can trust. If that was the case, you would live a lonely fucking life, Sadie. People come and go, and right now, you’re stagnant while everyone else is going. You will be left behind, lonely, lost, and bitter, just like your dad. Is that what you want?”
Not even in the slightest. And I hate that she’s right. My dad threw away his trust in the outside world a long time ago, turning into a skeptical, bitter man who chose to live in his bubble, always focusing on the negative, and never truly living. Am I turning into him? Is that really what I’m doing? Closing myself off, shutting down the outside world, and becoming an island?
I shake my head, realizing I’m only a few steps away from becoming my dad, and that startles me. I’ve never thought of it like that.
“Shit,” I mutter and then run my fingers through my hair, pulling on the strands near my scalp.
“You have to let him in, Sadie. You have to fully let him in, or else you have to cut him free, because you’re doing him a disservice by keeping him in this grey area, feeding him enough information to keep him satisfied, but never truly giving yourself over. That’s not fair to him, and it’s not fair to you.” She jumps off the coun
ter and takes the seat across from me where she holds my hand and speaks to me from the heart. “I know you’ve been through a lot, and I mean a lot more than any person our age should experience. You’ve been hurt, you’ve been betrayed by your mom, and you’ve lost something so precious to you. You’re damaged, lost, and scared, but I’m here to tell you, there is a man named Andrew who has made you smile again, who’s made you light up, who’s made you laugh. He’s good for you, Sadie, just as you are good for him. You can’t lose that over being scared about the truth. I can see it in his eyes, Sadie. He loves you, and no matter what you tell him, he will still love you. But you have to tell him, he deserves the truth.”
I nod, knowing just how right Smilly is. The truth causes the cogs to start turning in my brain. How do I reveal the painful truths to Andrew? Just the thought of it has my nerves prickling with anxiety.
“What are you going to do? Tell him? Keep him?” Smilly asks, urging me to make a decision.
Knowing I have no choice, I nod my head. “I am. I’ll tell him everything tonight.” Denise was right. Andrew’s a four-leaf clover in a field of weeds, a man you don’t want to slip through your fingers. And I don’t. I don’t want that man to slip through my fingers.
“I think that’s a smart idea. Believe me, Sadie, it will be a load off your shoulders and maybe he can help you decide what to do next.”
“That’s if he doesn’t leave me in the cold because I’ve been lying to him this whole time.”
“Not going to happen.”
I hope.
Chapter Twenty-Five
ANDREW
Sadie is so fucking lucky.
I look around and take it in. The smell of the bonfire, the light breeze of the chilly summer night, the sounds of crickets in the distance, flashes of fireflies off in the woods, and the feel of true friendship rounding out a perfect night.
Moving from California to New York when I graduated from high school was tough because I was pulled from my familiar environment, stuck in a foreign state, and told to make friends. Easier said than done. When I went to college in Maine, my roommates were more there for company. They weren’t friends for life dudes.
But Sadie, she has life-long friends, people who would drop anything, and I mean they’d stop their life to help one another out. They’re loyal, bonded by a small town, by the memories of growing up, and the shared experiences over the years.
I’m jealous, but grateful too, because Sadie brought me into a world I’ve always craved. True friendship. The real thing. These are the kind of people I want in my life.
“John, man, are you gearing up for deployment?” I ask the tall soldier who’s wearing a red, white, and blue sweatband with a shirt that reads Our Soldier.
“Ten days and counting,” he says, saluting me. “Spending the last couple of days with my girl and trying to drink as much beer as possible.”
“Goals, I like them.” I laugh and pat him on the back. “If I don’t see you before you leave, good luck out there, man, and be safe.”
“Always am.” He winks just as he brings his beer to his lips and takes a sip. Looking past his bottle, he spots Bitch—still don’t know her real name—his girlfriend and says, “Babe, come sit up on my lap. My dick needs to spend as much time with you as possible.”
I shake my head and find Sadie, who is talking to Emma by the fire. I wrap my arm around her shoulder, lean my head down to her ear, and say, “Here’s your beer, baby.” I kiss her cheek before pulling away. She rewards me with a beautiful smile and I fall for her all over again.
“Ugh, you two are so sweet together, it’s almost sickening. How come you can find the good guys and I keep juggling douchebags with two-tone cars? Where are the real men?”
“Maybe if you didn’t spend all your time cleaning up your friends’ messes, you might be able to meet someone,” Sadie offers.
Emma looks out toward the party and says, “Someone has to take care of you hooligans. If it wasn’t for me, every place we’ve had a bonfire would be burned down and half of you would be dead.”
“True.” Sadie chuckles. “But everyone is going back to their normal lives, maybe you can meet someone at school.”
“Maybe.” Emma shrugs.
“What school do you go to?”
“Binghamton. I’m in the nursing program.” Why am I not surprised? Emma would make a fantastic nurse.
“I didn’t know you were going to Binghamton as well. Decker School of Nursing is such a great program to be in. Hard too.”
“It is. It’s actually taken me longer than I wished, but I’ve been taking my time, making sure I can understand everything and make the most of my classes.”
“I can respect that. We should get coffee sometime on campus. It will be nice to see a familiar face in a sea of new people.”
“That would be fun. I can introduce you to some of my friends. We’re all in the nursing program, but it still might be nice to meet some other people.”
“I would love that, especially since Sadie is going to be off at Cornell, learning how to help heal minds.”
Emma exchanges a weird glance with Sadie but quickly shakes it away once her name is called from the house. She sighs and says, “Duty calls.”
As Emma walks away, her little sundress sways with her. That’s the hardest thing to find when you move states. Connections. Knowing someone at Binghamton, besides my crazy-ass roommates and my brother, who will have no time for me once classes start, is good.
I sit down on the ground and pull Sadie to sit between my legs so she’s using my chest as a backboard. I wrap my arms around her and look over her shoulder, my head close to hers, enjoying the night off we have together. “You’re lucky, you know that?”
“How’s that,” she asks, her voice sounding slightly off, a little more quiet. I guess it makes sense that she’s subdued, given she’ll be separated from her friends next week.
“Look around you. This support system you have, all these people cheering you on; it’s amazing. You don’t see a group of people like this very often. A group of friends devoted to each other. It’s fucking awesome. I wish I’d had a close-knit group of friends like this growing up.”
She leans her head against mine. “It has its up and downs. It’s not all about parties and drinking together. There are times where you wish you weren’t so close with everyone because everyone learns your business, things you wish you could just tuck away.”
“Do you have things you want to tuck away?” I ask and then kiss her neck, loving every minute I get to spend with this woman. The reality of classes is looming over me; the end of our summer is coming closer, and the moment where I have to kiss my girl goodbye is starting to eat me alive.
“I do,” Sadie answers, pulling me from my reverie. “My family life. I wish I could rewrite it, cast new parents. It would make life easier.” She turns her head and looks me in the eyes, a sad smile on her lips. “But I don’t want to talk about them right now. I want this to be a fun night.”
“Yeah?” I wiggle my eyebrows at her. “What do you have in mind? A little romp in the woods?”
“No.” She graces me with that beautiful laugh. “What has been your favorite memory this summer?”
I snuggle her closer. “Ah, my girl wants to reminisce. All right.” In front of her, I rub my hands together and then place them on her propped-up knees. The fire sparks in front of us, casting an orange glow in the air, making the atmosphere almost magical. “My favorite memory this summer. Hmm, well, when you so scornfully showed me where the apples were, that was a special moment.”
She chuckles and then loops her hand behind her to connect with my neck. Playfully, her fingers run through my short strands of hair. Fuck, that feels good.
“I don’t know why you stuck around and tried to get to know me after that first day of training.”
I press another kiss to her neck and say, “I like a good challenge, plus, I saw something in your eyes. I wanted to be the on
e who took that darkness away and made you laugh.”
“You made me chuckle that first day,” she admits. “Sturdy tits. I couldn’t stop laughing in the stockroom.”
“Come on, too cool to laugh with me?”
“I didn’t want you getting comfortable,” she jokes. “But seriously, what was your favorite moment?”
“Honestly? When we danced at the party I crashed, thanks to Smilly. Even though I was a little drunk, I remember the moment as if it’s playing out in front of me right now. That smile of yours, it slayed me. It was the first time you actually loosened up around me and I got to see the real Sadie. Fucking beautiful.”
Swoon away, ladies, but that’s no fucking lie. I already thought Sadie was beautiful, but at that moment, I knew she was different, that she was going to push my comfort zones.
She’s silent for a moment, taking in my words, and I’m nervous if I put my heart out there too much until she leans forward and kisses my forearm. “I loved that moment, too.”
“Yeah?” I snuggle her closer, if that’s possible. “Is that your favorite moment?”
She shakes her head. “No, I think my favorite moment was when you took me on our first date. You were nervous, but so cute, so sweet, trying to impress me. It was the first time I realized you were going to be a hard one to get out of my system.”
“Still hanging in there, I hope.” I might have a teasing tone in my voice, but a part of me feels insecure. She doesn’t want me out of her system, right? I sure as fuck hope not.
She tilts her head back and rests it on my shoulder. Her lips graze my jaw as she says, “Permanently.”
Pride surges inside me from her admission, and I actually feel hope for the future. Going to two different schools is going to be tough, but I think we can handle it. No, I know we can.