I looked away, feeling completely ashamed. “I’m trying.” We both knew that wasn’t true.
“You don’t seem to have to try with Ian. You’re relaxed around him, but when you’re around me, you get uptight. It’s almost as if you can’t bear me being around.”
I was trying so hard to hold it together. “It’s different with Ian.”
He turned to me sharply, locking me with those eyes. “How is it different, Olivia? Explain that to me!”
“Because he wasn’t there!” I choked out a sob. “He didn’t see what happened to me that night. You did. He didn’t witness the woman he loved having sex over and over again, even though she hated every minute of it. You did. He didn’t have to witness my sobs when my heart broke in two at the thought of what I’d done to you.” I choked again and tried to catch my breath. Kit was in tears by now as we both finally unleashed our anguish.
“When I look at you, Kit, I see a man who loves me, despite the fact he must be disgusted by even the thought of me. You have to be disgusted by me, Kit. How could you even bear to be in the same room as me after what happened?”
He grabbed my wrists and held my eyes with his. “It wasn’t your fault. He forced you, Olivia. He made you watch what happened to me, then he forced you.” Kit looked away in shame, but he was faultless. I was the one to blame in all this. I was the one after revenge and got us both in that mess. Not him. Me.
As I saw his pain, I gripped my eyes shut and shook my head. “How can you bear to touch me, Kit? How can you bear to even look at me?”
He shook me. “Olivia, look at me. Look. At. Me!” I snapped my eyes open to see the broken look on his face. “You were made prisoner in his home. You were drugged, forced to do things against your will, and made to be his slave. None of that is your fault. He was the one who was at fault. It’s all him. No way will I allow you to take the blame for that.” I tried looking away, but he shook me. “Olivia, you were the victim.”
He searched deep into my eyes, willing me to take it all in. Willing me to make sense of it all.
“When I look at you, all I see is the woman I fell in love with. The one who’s hurting and in terrible pain. The one who is shutting me out, not allowing me to take on the pain with her. Do you have any idea what these last five weeks have been like, knowing you’re hurting and not being able to comfort you? I have been desperate to touch you, Olivia. Desperate to wrap you in my arms each night and convince you that you’re safe. Desperate to take as much of your pain away as possible. And I want to do it all because I love you, Olivia. I love you so damn much, it hurts. Please don’t shut me out when we need each other the most. No one, and I mean no one, can ever make me change the way I feel about you.”
The tears kept coming as his words sank in. I knew he was trying to tell me that no matter what happened, I was still the woman he loved. I was still the woman he wanted to be with.
“I feel sick every time I think about it, Kit. It goes around and around in my head until it hurts. I’ll never forget looking at you and seeing how broken you were. I’ll never forget hearing your cries when he was on top of me. I can’t get the sounds and the images out of my head. I want to, but I can’t. And I can’t understand how you could still want me after he tainted me…after he ruined me.”
I looked down, but Kit shook me once more. He was determined not to lose me. Determined not to let me sink into the darkness. He was holding me captive with his eyes because he knew he was my ray of light in the dark. My hopes, dreams, my desires were all locked away in those beautiful eyes.
“Olivia, you have no idea how lost I was until I found you. When I saw you that day in the hotel, something changed for me. I had lost my way only to be guided by the agency, trained like a robot to carry out some of the most unspeakable things. Seeing your innocence changed me that day. When I looked into your eyes, I could see myself reflected back. I wasn’t happy. I was a slave to the agency and I wanted out. I didn’t care whether you were there when the bomb went off… I just couldn’t do it.
“Then when I saw you outside the soup kitchen, I realised just how lonely I was. How much I wanted to have happiness with someone. You changed me when you were little, and you changed me again when you became a woman. How could I ever want to lose that? How could I not look at you in any way other than devotion? I need you like my last breath. Please, Olivia. Please don’t shut me out. Please let me love you and make it all better. Please let me in and be the best man I can be. You make me the best man. With you, I always feel like the best man I can be.”
I searched his eyes and all I saw was his sincerity. At that moment, I loved him more than ever. I couldn’t hold it in anymore because, despite my head telling me how pathetic I was, Kit was now healing my heart. He was trying to heal me, and I wanted to be healed. I wanted to not let the darkness come. I wanted to live because that would mean I got to spend my life with this beautiful man before me. The one I didn’t deserve, but was offering himself completely. I couldn’t possibly say no.
I wouldn’t say no.
When I leaned forward, Kit looked down at my lips. He didn’t move, just let me lead. I brushed my lips with his and heard his breath escape him. It made me want more.
I leaned in and again touched his lips. This time, they locked longer, creating a slow dance between us.
By now, my breathing had spiked higher. I was on fire for this man who gave himself to me without condition, without fear, without trepidation. I knew that once we came together again, there was no going back. He made me want to fight the darkness. He made me want to see a future. A future so bright, my heart exploded.
As our kissing intensified, Kit suddenly pulled away and I instantly felt the loss of his mouth. He cupped my face in his hands and wiped the last tear from my cheek.
“Forever?”
I looked into the face of this man. The man who has held me captive since I was ten. The man who let me be who I was. The man who let me be free.
With a smile, I leaned forward. “Forever,” I whispered.
Epilogue
So, this leads me back to where I started my story. A lot has happened since then, but I guess you’re still asking the questions. I guess you’re still wanting to know what it was all about, who I really was, and how the agency ran. Well, let me start from the beginning. I came from royalty. Who knew, right? My father was a direct descendant of a certain queen who lived a couple hundred years ago. I won’t say who, but maybe you can guess. Long story short, my father was offered the throne in Norway, but turned it down to get into politics in his own country. The place he was born and the place he loved. It still didn’t stop my parents from taking advantage of his heritage whenever they could. When I came along, I was just an inconvenience to them. They didn’t really want me. They just wanted someone to carry on their legacy. I was meant to be a boy, but hey… Shit happens.
I finally know Zac had something to do with my father’s death. I know he killed himself, but I don’t need to guess who really put that gun to his head. After all, he was the master manipulator. He was probably telling my father that whoever he thought was out to kill him was closing in. I don’t really know, and I shouldn’t really care. I loved my father, but what kind of father promises their daughter to a monster? All I ever wanted was his love and affection. I guess that was too much to ask.
So, this now leads me to Zac. I think he wanted me simply because I was a princess… Well, could have been anyway. He wanted the legacy. Plus, the fact he could control my every movement made him feel like the most powerful man in the world, and he was…for a while. He ran the agency. A league of army soldiers who were trained to obey orders or die. That was basically it in a nutshell. Kit was no different. The only difference was he was caught by Zac one day when he was nineteen, fending off six muggers. He was so impressed, he took Kit under his wing and trained him to be an agent. He was so young and impressionable. What nineteen-year-old would turn down an opportunity like that? It was secre
t spy stuff, covert operations… You name it.
Let me put it this way. If there was ever a time in history where certain VIP’s have died mysteriously, and there were conspiracy theories going around as to whether the person was actually murdered, the theories were true more often than not, and it was probably the agency behind it. They governed everyone who governed you. They were the silent puppet masters who lurked in the shadows, watching you.
My whole world has revolved around secrecy and lies. People with lots of money who held a multitude of power in their hands. The agency was no different. The only thing about them is they did rule the world. They made sure everything ticked over and that the common people remained ignorant as to what was really going on behind closed doors. No one could ever beat them. No doubt Zac will be replaced soon and the world will keep on spinning.
As for me? I’m happier than I could ever be. I have Kit by my side every day, and our love is growing stronger. It has been almost two years since we set sail on that fateful day. I am healing now and I feel better than I ever have. I still have the odd moment when I think about my past and what I went through with Zac, but it is getting better with each passing day. With a great man by my side, how could it not?
We’ve just left Australia and are setting sail for God knows where. We had to say goodbye to Ian. He never met the woman of his dreams in Anguilla, but he did in Australia. We stayed as long as we could before the winter hit but, as usual, we could never stay in one place for long. As long as we keep moving, we’ll be okay.
I will miss Ian terribly, but I’m so glad he got his happily ever after. Four months ago, he came up to us. “I met a bird. She digs me.” And that was it. When it came time for us to leave, Ian had to make a decision. We’ll stay in touch, but Ian is where he wants to be, and Kit is happy for his cousin. At first, I believe Kit was jealous of how close Ian and I were, but he eventually saw it as a mutual bonding of friendship. Ian was related by blood to Kit, but I will always consider him a part of my family.
I smile. Before long, Kit wraps his arms around me from behind as we both stare at the horizon. He rubs my small bump and the butterflies start quickly. It doesn’t take much.
And that leads me to the other important part of our lives. As you can guess, Kit and I are going to have a baby. I must admit. At first, I was upset because I didn’t want our son or daughter to have a life like mine, constantly running from place to place, never settling down. But then Kit took all that away. “This baby will be loved more than anything in the world.” That was all it took to take my fears away. He or she will be loved because Kit and I will make damn sure of it. We will be determined to give this baby so much love, he or she will never feel alone like I did when I was young. That is the one thing in which I can feel comfort.
“So, where to next?” Kit asks, kissing my neck and giving me that beautiful smile of his.
I look up to his adoring face and caress his hand that’s over my belly. I think about the life growing inside me and can only think of one answer. Right now, there is only one possible answer.
“How about somewhere beginning with a B?”
Bonus Chapter
Agent Christopher Chainey (Number twenty-four)
Three years… I had been doing this for three years. I had killed people, set people up, and blackmailed women after I licked their pussies until they screamed. I got so hard for some of them, I could have fucked them then and there, but I knew I was always being watched. Plus, I knew I had Maria to go back to afterwards. She was always there when I needed her to be. Sometimes I fucked her so hard, I thought I may have hurt her, but her screams of pleasure told me otherwise. She was a good fuck, but I didn’t know any better. I had lost my virginity to her when this all started. I was only nineteen. I had never touched a girl because I was too quiet. The agency soon fixed that. Now I was a fighter.
Now I was a killer.
I made my way into the quiet hotel room. I had a bomb in my hands and was instructed to plant it in the Caudwell’s bedroom. The only thing I was told was that Charles Caudwell was making deals with the Middle East. Deals he shouldn’t be making. He had to be killed in such a way that it would look like an act of terrorism. Planting a bomb seemed to be the best way to achieve that.
I swiftly made it inside and walked towards the corner wardrobe. I had been told the bottom had already been cut out for me to place the bomb inside. All I needed to do was loosen it and pull it up.
So I went to work loosening the square piece of wood and, sure enough, it caved. I pulled it up, then set the bomb to go off in forty-five minutes time. I was just in the middle of placing the wood back when I heard the front door open and voices filled the hallway.
Shit!
I quickly ran behind the door and hid as well as I could. I saw the Caudwell’s walk past and sighed, but then I saw someone else. At that instant, I couldn’t move.
It was a young girl with long blonde hair and the most captivating blue eyes I had ever seen. I could see the pain behind those eyes. It was almost like looking at myself.
“Stop slouching. How many times have I told you to act like a lady? You’re a Caudwell. Act like one.”
I saw the sad look on her face and my eyes widened. She wasn’t supposed to be here. She wasn’t part of the deal. I could kill adults, and I had time and time again, but I put my foot down when it came to a child. I couldn’t kill her. I wasn’t going to have her death on my conscience.
I waited until she walked past, then quickly ran back to defuse the bomb. I knew what to do. I set about picking the wood up and quickly put in the access code to defuse it. I knew the minute I did, I would be signing my own death warrant, but I didn’t care. I had been doing this for three years and had enough. Just that one sad look on that girl’s face made me realise what kind of monster I had become. It made me wonder how she would look at me if she knew.
I couldn’t bear it.
I was right in the middle of placing the wood back when I heard the young girl’s voice, “Okay. Mum, where’s my coat? I can’t find it.”
Shit! She was in the hallway and coming closer to the bedroom.
“I think it’s in my room, Olivia. Hurry now and get ready.”
Fuck! I knew she would find me. The only thing I could do was hide in the wardrobe and hope she didn’t spot me. I quickly slipped in, but couldn’t completely hide myself. My heart was beating wildly at the knowledge she might catch me and call her parents. It would only be what I deserved. I had a gun in my shoulder holster, but I didn’t want to have to use it. I wasn’t going to kill anymore. I had made that decision, but if push came to shove, I would have to use it to scare them in order to make my escape.
The young girl came skipping in. She looked happier now than she did when she first walked through the front door. She noticed the coat on the bed and walked in to pick it up. As she started to turn, she noticed something. She was almost looking right at me.
My heart started beating faster and faster. I knew I would be caught and would have to scare this poor girl to death. I really didn’t want to do it, but I would if I had to.
She tilted her head slightly, like she was trying to see what was there. She took a couple steps forward and I knew she would see me.
“Olivia, hurry up!”
The voice halted her and that was my cue to get out as quickly as possible. She turned her head to shout back, “Okay, Mum. I’m coming!” That was when I moved like lightening towards the door. I saw her move her head back to look once more, but I was already gone.
Trying to slip past the door as quickly and as quietly as possible, I was just about to turn to head out when the young girl snapped her eyes up to meet mine. Her eyes widened and I thought she was going to scream. The only thing I could think to do was put my fingers to my lips.
“Shh,” I uttered.
She didn’t say anything, just stood staring at me. When I realised she wasn’t going to scream, I thanked my lucky stars and made a hast
y exit.
Once I was out of the hotel, I got into my black Range Rover and got the hell out of there. By now, they knew I had been in the room and, within the next few minutes, the bomb would probably be found. Once the Boss knew it had been defused, he would have me killed.
I had to dump the car and gather as much of my things as possible. The only chance of me surviving was if I went underground. My life as an agent was over. I didn’t want it anyway. I was sick of it. That young girl was like my beacon of light in the darkness. I was so glad she came into the room and made me see the kind of man I had become.
After heading out of London, I dumped the car, grabbed my belongings, and took a road to the unknown. Luckily, I always planned in advance. I always had my things with me just in case shit hit the fan and I had to bolt.
Well, the shit had just hit the fan.
But all I felt was the relief of freedom. For once in my life, I felt free. I breathed out heavily and all my anxiety of the past three years left me.
I knew it would never last. I knew I would live my life constantly looking over my shoulder, constantly wondering if I was being followed, constantly having to move around.
I knew Zac would look for me. I knew what would happen to me once he found me. It would be something I could never escape.
I was a walking dead man.
Acknowledgments
This story was a little hard, but I’m really glad I started it. I wanted to capture the right element of light vs. dark, and I hope I managed to keep you interested enough to finish the story. It was a little complex, to say the least. Certain scenes were difficult to write (I think you know which those were) and the characters were very unique in their own way. Zac was a piece of work. It will be interesting to hear your views on his character. No doubt a lot could be said about him.