The song doesn’t chase away my depressing thoughts, though. I should be relieved Colin confronted me, not that I really told him anything. I need to get out of here quick.
And I need to make sure he never, ever finds out everything. I don’t like to think about it. It’s scary to face what you might do when you’re desperate enough. I hate that I let myself become so weak. But I’d been trying my best to earn back all the money I lost. Dancing every night, working for hours in the exclusive lap dance room, touching those men in the most intimate of places in the hopes they would give me extra-big tips, which they did . . .
When the first one propositioned me, I turned him down. I turned plenty of them down. But after everything was stolen and I needed money quick, I finally, reluctantly, agreed one night. At least that guy was handsome. Probably in his early thirties and lonely after a bitter divorce, he told me all about his problems when we met after I got off work. He was nice and kind and gentle, and so very, very nervous. He’d asked for sex at first, but I told him I would only give him oral, so . . . I did.
And felt like the lowest of the low when he pressed the hundred-dollar bill in my palm after I finished. What had I done? What had I become?
A prostitute. A common whore.
I couldn’t go back home. Couldn’t face my parents after everything I’d done. I was ashamed. Disgusted with myself because I didn’t stop after that first time. I did it again. And again.
“Here we are, girlie,” the taxi driver says. Interrupting my depressing thoughts, thank God. I didn’t want to go there and ended up doing it anyway. “That’ll be twenty-two dollars.”
I dig through my purse and hand him a twenty and a five as I exit the car, slamming the door behind me. He takes off with a roar, leaving me alone on the sidewalk, the night seeming to close in on me. It’s cool, the sky is dark and moonless, and the street is quiet. Past ten o’clock, and pretty much everyone has gone to bed since it’s mostly families who live on this street.
Colin and I are the exception. We’re definitely not family. Not even close.
Starting up the front walk, I pull out my key and unlock the door. As soon as I enter the house, car lights from outside illuminate the still dark interior and I hear the garage door start to open. My stomach drops into my toes and my mouth goes dry.
Colin’s home.
Swallowing hard, I try to fight off the wave of nausea that threatens and head to the kitchen, where I pour myself a glass of water. I chug it down, wipe my mouth with the back of my hand, and brace myself against the kitchen counter as I wait for him to enter the house.
Better to face him head on than run off and hide in my room. Not that I’m staying long anyway. He’ll no doubt kick me out and I’ll end up going to Sacramento early. I bet Jason would help me out if I asked him. Maybe I could break down and spend the money to rent a moving truck. I’ll call my new roommate first thing tomorrow and see if I can move in a few days sooner. I have a feeling she won’t mind. This way I can get settled and find a job right away.
Hopefully.
Finally, Colin enters the house, stopping short when he sees me leaning against the kitchen counter. “How did you get here?”
No hi, I was worried, just a how did you get here, like he doesn’t want me in his house any longer. Oh, how quickly our attitudes change! “I took a taxi.”
“A taxi?” he asks incredulously. “How did you find a taxi downtown?” They’re usually pretty scarce, so I understand his questioning.
“I don’t know.” I shrug. Why are we even having this inane conversation? “He was a few blocks down from the restaurant and off duty. I climbed into his car anyway and asked him to drive me here, so he did.”
“Jesus.” He runs a hand through his hair, clearly frustrated. “I swear to God, your risky behavior is going to get you into serious trouble someday. He could’ve hurt you.”
“I’m a big girl. Besides, didn’t I get my quota in this week already when it comes to being attacked by creepy strangers?” I sound like a smug little bitch but I can’t help myself. When I feel cornered, I get defensive.
He stares at me as if I’ve grown two heads. “We need to talk,” he says slowly.
“What about?” I lift my chin, going for defiance, but my entire body begins to tremble. I’m this close to falling completely apart.
“About what you did when you worked at Gold Diggers.” He flicks his head toward the direction of the living room. “Let’s go sit down.”
I brace my hands against the edge of the countertop, icy dread slithering down my spine. How did he find out? I know he knows, and I can hardly stand it. “I don’t want to. Let’s talk here.”
“Fine. Whatever.” Resting his hands on his hips, he glances around the darkened kitchen. The only light on is the one over the sink. He’s frustrated, I can tell. I know him almost as well as I know myself, though I would never have figured he’d react to my secret like this.
Maybe I was foolish to believe he would be more understanding. Maybe it has something to do with the way he found out and not the actual information itself. I should have been the one who told him and I didn’t. Someone else beat me to the punch.
I’m at a loss, though, unsure how to explain myself.
“I don’t know what you want me to say. I’m sure you don’t want to hear all the dirty details.” A shudder moves through me, and his eyes narrow. “Not that there are many dirty details . . .” My voice trails off. I’m trying to defuse the situation and not doing a very good job of it.
“Did you sleep with men for money?” He asks the question so quietly, so suddenly, I need to grip the counter tighter for fear I’ll slither to the floor. My knees are reduced to jelly by his words, by the look on his face. I wish I could just disappear and forget all of this ever happened.
“What are you talking about?” I whisper, trying to stall. Desperate to stall. I can’t lie to him. I have to tell him the truth or I’d never forgive myself. He wouldn’t believe me if I denied it anyway. He’s already made his assumptions and I’m living up to them.
“Answer me.” He raises his voice, the sound sending goose bumps scattering over my arms, and I part my lips. No sound comes out.
I can’t deny it because it’s true.
“Did you?” he asks again, his voice rough, his eyes full of agony as he storms toward me. He grabs me by my upper arms, his hold firm as he gives me a little shake. “Tell me, God damn it! Did you, Jen?”
I jump when he yells at me, wincing at the fury behind his words. Tears fill my eyes, momentarily blinding me, and then they’re flowing down my cheeks, dropping from my face onto the floor. “Yes,” I sob, my chest threatening to burst. “I did, okay? Is that what you want to hear? That I fucked around with other men and they paid me?”
His eyes go wide and I swear they shimmer with tears. Actual freaking tears, and I’ve never seen this man cry beyond the dry sobs in his dreams.
But are those tears for me? Or for the fact that he failed me and broke his promise to my brother? To my family? “God Jen, I can’t believe . . . why? Why the hell would you do that? What would your parents think? Or Danny?”
Tearing myself out of his hold, I back away from him, shaking my head. “Don’t put all that guilt on me. I do that well enough on my own, trust me.”
“You know you could’ve called them. They would’ve helped you. You’re their daughter.” He stresses the last word, and that only pisses me off further.
“Give me a break! They forgot all about me once Danny died. So wrapped up in their grief, he was all they could talk about. You’re the same way, with your nightmares about him. He’s always hovering in everyone’s mind, and I get it. He’s in mine, too. But he’s gone. We have to keep on living,” I cry, wondering how my speech changed track.
“So by living, does that mean you go out doing whatever the hell you want and getting paid for it?”
His words are like a slap in the face. I rear back, my cheeks stinging with emb
arrassment. He immediately realizes his mistake and starts toward me, but I shake my head, my body vibrating with anger.
“Jen, I’m sorry,” he starts to say, but I hold up my hand, silencing him.
“Save it. You’ll never understand. No one would. I shouldn’t have to defend myself. I was all alone and no one could’ve saved me. I had nothing.” I start to leave the kitchen, ready to make my escape into my bedroom where I can have a good cry. And after I cry, I’ll start to pack.
No way can I stay here beyond one more night. This arrangement is over.
“You always had me. Always. I saved you,” he reminds me as I exit the room. Pausing, I keep my back to him, waiting for him to say more, which he does. “And I would’ve come in and saved you sooner if you’d called me. I’d do anything for you, Jen. Remember?”
“Can you forget what I’ve done?” I slowly turn to face him, scared of what I might find. But I’m facing a blank, expressionless mask.
He blinks once. Twice. The only physical reaction I can see. “I don’t know,” he says truthfully.
Whoever said the truth hurts was dead on. But it’s beyond hurting. It’s like a million knives carving into my chest, tearing my heart completely apart.
I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to put it back together.
Chapter 21
Colin
It feels like I’m being taken to the gallows, ready to meet my maker. I’m facing him now, my head bent, my body shaking. He towers over me on a pedestal, his face in shadows.
“You disappointed me,” he says, his voice eerily familiar.
I can only offer a small nod, too frightened to speak. I’ve never been more scared in all my life. It’s one thing to know you won’t live forever. It’s quite another to face your mortality and know it’s over.
“You haven’t lived your life like I expected you to.” He pauses, his breathing heavy, the mood, the darkness that surrounds us, foreboding. “You failed so many people.”
“I know.” My voice cracks and I clear my throat. I feel like I’m seven years old again. Facing the facts that my dad doesn’t care about me and that my mom is bitter and angry all the time. That I have no one in my life who is pure and good, with the exception of Danny and Jenny.
I love them like they’re my own family. And I failed them both. I know who this mystery demon is referring to. I don’t need the reminder.
“Look at me,” the voice commands and I glance up, surprise rendering me completely still when he sheds his hood and reveals that it’s Danny who’s standing before me. “You let me down. Then you let my sister down.”
I was so scared, and all along it’s just been Danny standing there. Trying to intimidate me and make me feel bad. For the first time since I can remember, I’m angry. Furious that he’s trying to blame me for everything.
Is it really all my fault? Have I been wrong all this time, carrying the guilt around like a shackle around my neck, constantly weighing me down?
“You weren’t supposed to sign up for the Marines without me,” I point out to him indignantly. We were supposed to do it together. We’d planned it all out, set up a meeting time and everything.
Then my dad showed up, offering me the opportunity I knew would change my life. I’d been so excited to tell Danny, to include him in my good news. We could run the restaurant in Southern California together. Finally we would be able to leave that crap town, have all the women we could ever want, and find success.
Instead, I discovered that he went ahead and signed up without me. No way was I going now. He was furious with me. Disappointed that I wouldn’t go with him.
And then he went away and ended up dead.
“I did what I had to do,” he says solemnly, his expression hard. Completely unreadable. Though his features are the same, he looks nothing like my best friend. The friend I still miss terribly.
“So stop blaming me for your death,” I say, my voice rising.
“Stop blaming yourself,” he returns. Sighing heavily, his gaze narrows as he studies me, his eyes so dark they almost appear black. “It’s not your fault, what Jenny did.”
He called her Jenny. I feel like we’re teenagers again, taunting her with the nickname she one day out of the blue deemed childish and silly. We kept calling her Jenny for a solid year just to aggravate her, until their mother finally stepped in and asked us to stop.
So respecting her wishes, we did. I always missed calling her Jenny, though. It’s a sweet name, for a sweet girl. Who’d eventually grown up into a sweet and sexy woman.
A woman who sold her body and performed sexual acts for money.
Fuck. I can’t get over it.
“You need to get over it,” Danny says, as if he can reach inside my thoughts. “Sometimes, we’re put into situations we don’t know how to get out of. She didn’t know how to ask for help. She thought she was doing what was necessary to survive.”
“I don’t know if I can let it go,” I confess, hanging my head in shame. Who am I to judge? I’ve done many things I’m ashamed of. And Jen has never judged me for any of them.
“Do you love her?” Danny’s voice is fierce, and I glance up to see his expression is thunderous. He looks as if he wants to reach out and choke me.
I take a step back, stunned by his reaction, by his words. “I . . . yes. I do.” Fuck. The admission staggers me so much my knees threaten to buckle. Reaching out, I brace my hand on the wall, breathing deep, trying to calm my racing heart.
“Then fight for her. Tell her how you feel.”
“I can’t.” The words fall from my lips, broken and sad. I fall to my knees, unable to hold myself up any longer. “I want to but I can’t. I said things that hurt her. I might not be able to get past what she did.” Despair consumes me, blinds me. “I’ve ruined it between us.”
Danny kicks at my chest, forcing me to look up at him. I feel small. Powerless. While he’s so tall and commanding, standing over me, radiating power and strength.
But he’s dead, I remind myself. How can he be stronger than me when he’s been dead for nearly two years?
“You keep acting like this and you’ll ruin it,” he says, his voice like a hiss. “If you can’t let go of the past, let go of everything you’ve done and everything she’s done and focus on the here and now, then I can’t save you. She can’t save you either. You need to live for the present. You and her together.”
“I’m afraid she hates me.”
“She doesn’t hate you. She could never hate you.” Danny smiles and shakes his head. “She loves you. She’s loved you for years. You’ve been blind to it all this time.”
The realization hits me square in the chest. Jen loves me. I’ve ignored her, treated her like crap, smothered her with too much attention, fucked her, yelled at her and called her a whore, and she loves me.
I don’t deserve her.
“I don’t deserve her,” I cry, repeating my thoughts. “I don’t deserve any of the love she feels for me.”
Danny kicks me again, his smile growing. “You really believe that? Then fine. You’re right. You don’t deserve her. You don’t deserve anything good in your life. You’re a worthless piece of shit who won’t amount to anything.”
I open my mouth, ready to protest, but no sound comes out.
“That’s right. Don’t bother arguing with me because you know it’s true.” He bends down, his face in mine, his dark eyes staring at me as though he can see that I’m nothing. “Worthless. Just like your father. Just like your mother always said.”
“No!”
“Worthless.” He’s starting to chant, his voice grating on my nerves, and I clamp my hands over my ears, trying to tune him out. But it’s as if his voice has insinuated itself into my brain and it’s all I can hear. “A no-good, stupid loser. Didn’t your mother use to say that about your father?”
“I’m nothing like him,” I protest.
“You’re everything like him. You even look like him. You’re doomed, Colin
. You are turning into your father.” Danny kicks me yet again, straight in the gut this time, and I keel over, clutching my ribs. “And there’s nothing you can do about it.”
I wake up with a jolt, my eyes flashing open, seeing nothing but darkness. My lungs ache with my labored breathing and my entire body is shaking.
Fuck. What a dream! Like nothing I’ve ever had before.
“Sshh.” A soft, sweetly familiar voice breaks the silence and then I feel her. Her hands slide soothingly over my body, down my chest, pressing against my heart. “You’re okay. It was just a dream.”
Fuck. It’s Jen. After everything I said and did to her, that she would still come to my bed and try to comfort me is . . . overwhelming.
I’m nothing but a selfish asshole, while she constantly gives and gives and gives. And all I do is take.
You give to her too, jackass. You might not let her know exactly how you feel about her but you’re always there. You always want to take care of her.
Yeah, I need to work on that—if she’ll still let me.
I slip my arms around her waist before she can make her escape. I’ve never been more grateful to find her in my bed. She feels damn good, her long, bare legs tangling with mine, her hair brushing against my chin. I breathe deep her scent, holding it, wishing I could keep it with me at all times.
“Was it a bad one?” she asks as she wraps her arms around me and hauls me in close. “You called out my name.”
“I did?” I don’t remember doing that in the dream, but hell. It was all happening so fast, Danny’s words coming at me, carving me up and destroying me like lethal weapons.
“Yeah.” She sighs against my bare chest, I feel the gust of warm breath, and like a bastard, my body tightens in response. “You sounded angry. And sad.”
I definitely experienced both emotions in my dream. But I want to forget them, push them aside and focus on the woman I have in my arms at this very moment.
The woman I love.
“Jen, I need to say something to you.” I take a deep breath, ready to launch into an apology, a plea, to offer her whatever words I can to convince her to stay and never leave me again.