"Then I'd better watch out for you," Dex said. "I've eaten a boatload of your cookies."
"Why does that sound dirty when you say it like that?" I said, punching him in the arm.
He laughed.
"I think you're immune to my charms. Too bad. I think I'd really like to torture you."
"Cruel woman," he said. "Let's get something to eat."
The week slipped by in a blur of studying and late nights. Then finals hit with a vengeance. I still didn't know what I was going to do about Christmas. My dorm was closing the day after finals ended. I could spend the holidays as a guest at the one dorm the university kept open for the foreign students who couldn't go home. Tay invited me to go home with her. I wasn't going to push Jason for an invitation. Lyssa still hadn't accepted me. I remembered Thanksgiving and thought about the surprise Logan had had for me for Christmas and I got depressed all over again.
I had finals all the way through Thursday of finals week. On Wednesday night, I was up at two a.m. still studying for my one p.m. MIS final when my phone buzzed. "Jason?"
"Ellie! I'm frantic. I need someone to watch Mia and I can't reach anyone." His voice cracked.
"What's wrong?"
"Lyssa's spotting. We think she's miscarrying. I'm at the emergency room with her and Mia, but I can't take Mia in with me—"
"I'll be there," I said. "Let me find a ride and I'll get there as soon as I can."
"Call the university ride-share service. They'll bring you."
I asked Nic instead. She drove me. I arrived at the hospital less than fifteen minutes later to find Jason frantic. Nic came in with me. Jason gave me his house key. We took Mia and her car seat and took her home. Nic dropped me off at Jason's. When I put Mia to bed, she went right to sleep. But I spent a restless night waiting for news about Lyssa.
Jason stumbled in about eight, looking worn out. "It's all right." He hugged me. "She hasn't lost the baby. The doctors say Lyssa needs bed rest, but they think the baby will make it. Thanks for being there for us."
I nodded. "That's what family does."
He saw my backpack lying in the entry. "Were you studying? Oh, crap. Don't tell me I made you miss a final?"
"Spoken like a real dad," I said. "Not until one."
He looked tiredly pleased. "Is the baby still asleep?"
"Yep, she's sleeping like—well, a baby." I smiled.
"I'll get her and take you back to the dorm."
I stopped him. "Let her sleep. We can wait until she wakes up. I have time. Want me to make you some breakfast? I'm a good cook."
He looked exhausted, but happy at my suggestion. "How can I refuse an offer like that?"
"Do you like eggs and cheese?"
"Love them. I think we have some good bread for toast, too. And some university honey."
So I made my dad breakfast and we sat down to eat together.
"Ellie, Lyssa's really grateful to you," Jason said when we were both full and sitting back enjoying our coffee.
I looked at him warily. "Serious? That's good."
"She wants to know what you're doing for Christmas."
I shrugged. "Tay invited me to go home with her."
"I didn't phrase that right. Lyssa wants me to ask you to spend Christmas with us. She and I, we both think it's about time we started acting like a family."
I stared at him, touched. "Really? One favor changed her mind about me?"
"No. Almost losing our baby reminded her how precious children are and how short life can be. You're my kid. She understands how important that is to me and all of us."
"Wow, that's heavy," I said.
"I can tell her you're staying with us, then?"
I nodded. "Yeah, if she'll let me help out so she can rest."
"It's a deal." Jason paused. "There's no chance you're going to see Melissa?"
I shook my head. Vehemently. "No. Absolutely not. She's been texting and emailing me. But no way." It was my turn to pause. I screwed up my courage. Now was as good a time to ask as any. "What happened between you and Mom? I mean, what happened that you made me? Why hasn't she ever talked about you?"
He looked away like he didn't want to talk about it. "You'll have to ask her why she's never mentioned me."
I prodded him anyway. I wanted to know. "You know the rest, though, like how it happened." I braced myself for the worst.
He got up and poured himself another cup of coffee. When he sat back down he looked resigned. "We went to high school together. Good friends. Or so I thought. I was a studious nerd back then. Not into partying. And she was the popular girl who all the guys went for."
I snorted. "Some things haven't changed. I can't believe you fell for her."
He looked bemused.
"Sorry," I said. "She just doesn't seem like your type, and that's a good thing. And you don't seem like hers."
"Yeah, that last was certainly true." He took a sip of coffee. "Your mom was gorgeous and charming."
His tone alarmed me. He sounded way too much like he was remembering fondly. I had to kill any good impression he had of her.
"She still is," I said. "And selfish and irresponsible and totally needy." I spat the words out. "Sorry," I said again. "I'll shut up and listen."
He shrugged, looking like he didn't want to talk about it in any detail. "I helped her with her math and science classes and we hung out to study. But I had a crush on her from the time I first met her in ninth grade.
"She had a boyfriend. Always had a boyfriend. She ran through them pretty quickly, but I never managed to catch her attention in between. She wasn't interested in me. I was just there to listen to her and pick her up between other guys. And, sadly, that was enough for me.
"Until my senior year. She got a boyfriend, Steve, and stuck with him the entire year. Steve was a jerk. I hated him. But Melissa was crazy about him.
"The summer between high school and college, they had a big fight and broke up. I, in my youthful foolishness, thought they'd broken up for good. I provided a shoulder for her to cry on. She called me, drunk, from a party she'd been at, and begged me for a ride home. She and Steve had just had a fight and ended things.
"I rushed in like a white knight. I should have squired her right home. But we made a stop and made you in the back of my car. She was drunk. I was ecstatic, crazy for her."
"Not an achingly beautiful love story," I said.
"You asked." He grinned, but it was forced and sad.
"You could make it sound more romantic."
"Sorry. I thought it was at the time. But they got back together a few days later. And she stopped talking to me. Just cut me out. I was torn up. For a while. I went off to college and that was that."
I nodded. "I waited almost twenty years and that's all there is to the story? Haven't you ever seen The Princess Bride? You need to spice things up to make a good story."
"Yeah," he said. "But they always skip the kissing scenes in that movie."
"Good point," I said. I paused. "No wonder you were so shocked by me."
"Yeah," he said. "But I'm glad you found me."
"Me too."
"Ellie," he said, "take it from someone who knows—the heartbreak does go away. You just need to give it time."
Chapter Eighteen
I got my A in chemistry. Byron posted the grades the day after finals ended. Although I did well on the final and the labs, I didn't know whether I'd actually earned that A. I suspected I hadn't. But it had cost me everything—at least, I blamed that class for everything like it was the root of all evil. Yeah, I knew I lied to Logan. But sometimes I rationalized that if he hadn't been wounded by that class, he would have been stronger and my lie wouldn't have mattered. It would have just been a blip, a bump, a tiny misunderstanding. That I could have told him about Byron and he would have laughed about it and played hero. That everything would be totally different. But it wasn't.
I made the Dean's List and the President's Honor Roll. So did Logan. I saw his name
on the university website and was relieved. He hadn't tailspun, at least not enough to blow his finals.
Christmas was bittersweet. If it hadn't been for breaking up with Logan, it would have been the best Christmas ever. I stayed with Jason and Lyssa for most of the break. Lyssa was confined to bed rest, so I took care of Mia and helped around the house with the cleaning and holiday baking. It snowed two days before Christmas and we had the most beautiful white Christmas ever. We hardly ever had white Christmases in Seattle. I remembered like one, ever.
Unlike Thanksgiving at Logan's, Christmas was a warm, intimate, family affair full of love and food and way too much hot chocolate with peppermint. Lyssa's parents came for Christmas Eve and Christmas Day. Her mother was the grandmotherly type. She adopted me right off as one of her own, even bringing me gifts and sock presents. She took over preparations for Christmas dinner and made me her assistant.
I would have liked to meet my bio grandparents, but it was their Christmas to spend with Jason's brother and his family. I had an uncle and an aunt and three cousins. Jason told them about me shortly after Lyssa found out about me. They were stunned, but accepting. Though I think they weren't happy about who my mother was. We made plans to get together with Jason's family in the spring. In the meantime, my new grandparents sent me a gold necklace with a single pearl pendant on it for Christmas.
Mia was so fun and adorable to play with. She cried when Jason and I took her to see Santa and have her picture taken. She got excited and worked up on Christmas Eve and Christmas Day, probably because everyone else was. Like most babies, she liked the wrapping better than her presents.
I gave Jason a mug that said World's Best Dad and a pound of coffee from The College Grind. It wasn't much, but he seemed really touched. Lyssa liked the earrings I bought her from a holiday craft bazaar in town. And Mia thought the wrapping paper on the stuffed toy I gave her was the best wrapping she received. It crinkled really nicely in her tiny hands and made her laugh.
Jason and Lyssa gave me pearl earrings to match the necklace from his parents and a Christmas sock full of small gifts, including a new bellybutton ring. I nearly cried when I saw it. I missed Logan so much.
January, the new semester, and my new job started out gloomy. Everything was dark without Logan. I kept wondering how long it would take to get over him.
The university held a reception for the President's Honor Roll recipients in January in the SUB ballroom. I went, hoping for a glimpse of Logan. He didn't show. President Lawrence gave a speech. When he shook my hand, he looked wary of me and made a joke about being careful at the buffet table. The university gave me a mug to commemorate my achievement.
Bre was busy with Dan, though they fought a lot. Which made Bre and me pretty compatible in the "misery loves miserable company" kind of way. Tay started dating her grilled-cheese guy. And Nic went through informal rush and was busy with her sorority. Dex was just Dex. We didn't have chemistry together any more, but we hung out and played LoL from time to time when he wanted to use me as his secret weapon. Falcon26 saw through Dex's strategy in the semifinals of the tournament, and although Falcon helped me, his team beat us. Dex was furious at being outwitted and outplayed.
I didn't date, though I was asked more than I ever had been before, maybe because I was either needy and helpless or too brightly wild. Maybe they saw an easy score as a rebound guy. But my heart wasn't in dating. No guy measured up to Logan. I was simply empty inside, emptier than I'd been after Austin.
I changed my bellybutton ring out for the one Lyssa and Jason gave me for Christmas and put the peridot stud in my jewelry box way in the back. And finally I took the dead, dried rose down from the corner and put it in a box in the back of my closet. To the outside world, it may have looked like I was healing, but I was really dead inside and longing for Logan all the time. Part of me wanted him to graduate and be gone so I could relax and not worry about running into him. Part of me was glad he was still close by and looked for him around every corner. That part worried that I'd never see him again once he went out into the work world.
After I refused to spend Christmas with Mom, she cut off all contact. Which was a relief and eerie at the same time. I kept expecting a sneak attack from her. My mom never lost. Ever.
I ran into Zave once at the SUB.
"Hey, Ellie!" He waved at me. "Long time no see. We miss your cookies. No one bakes for us any more."
I smiled at him, genuinely perked up by seeing him. "How's Spartacus? You haven't fed him to death yet, have you?"
He laughed. "Not yet. He's a tough fish. But lonely. He keeps making bubble nests like he's making a home for a lady fish. I hate to tell him he's doomed to bachelorhood."
"Buy him a lady fish," I said.
Zave shook his head. "I'm not ready for the responsibility of a whole fish family." He paused and his expression went serious. "I have to say this once and I'll deny it if you repeat it—Logan is being a complete shithead. Collin and I think he was crazy to break up with you. You're the best girl he's dated. It's his loss."
I choked up and could only nod. "So what have you been up to?"
Zave rolled his eyes and sighed. "Interviewing. Looking for work sucks. Who wants to be responsible? But my dad insists. He's not going to pay for another year of school so I'm out of options.
"Logan has been the king of interviewing. I've lost track of how many interview trips he's been on. I'm guessing he'll end up in California, though why he can't stay in Seattle, I don't know. Seattle is the hotbed of innovation. Collin and I are both determined to get jobs at home and room together. We can't understand why Logan wants to break up the gang. Imagine the parties we could throw if we didn't have studies to worry about? Epic!"
California. California. I couldn't get it out of my head. I'd never see Logan again. I barely heard what Zave was saying.
"Speaking of parties—Collin is already planning our graduation bash. It's going to be legendary!" Zave put his hand on my arm, startling me out of my shock. "Don't let Logan scare you away. You'll come as my guest. I insist. What do you say?"
I nodded automatically. I was such a desperate case, wanting to see Logan one last time before he left. I knew deep in my heart that as horrible as it would be, I was going to go to that party.
"Excellent! I'll add you to the guest list." He glanced at his watch. "Gotta run. Nice bumping into you again."
I nodded. "You too. Say hi to Collin for me."
Zave cocked an eyebrow. "Just Collin?"
"Spartacus, too."
He laughed. "You got it." He gave me a sympathetic look and dashed off.
I fell back into sadness. Logan was really leaving. I knew it was over, but…
I logged on to LoL. Falcon26 was online and asked if I wanted to play a game.
Sure, I responded. I could use a diversion. I just ran into my ex's roommate. Sad. I need to blow something up.
Blowing things up is good. Forget the shithead. He doesn't deserve you—Falcon26.
I played LoL regularly with Falcon26. We had a standing Friday night date. We played for half an hour to an hour and then went out to party in the real world. With Falcon's coaching, I got better. But not good enough to compete with most of the guys. Mostly I enjoyed hanging out in a fantasy world and the funny, flirty comments from Falcon26. While we played, we talked about some personal stuff, like how my heart was broken and so was his. I told him things I wouldn't have told a lot of guys. But it didn't matter because I didn't plan on ever meeting him in person.
The girls and I spent an inordinate amount of time speculating on what the Falcon was really like and what he looked like. I was thinking a Big Bang Theory-type nerd. Tay was taking an art class. She drew her interpretation of him for fun—a pudgy, short nerdy guy with glasses and wings and a beaky nose. I hung it up in my room and we laughed about it.
"You know, you should really meet Falcon26," Tay said to me one night in early February. "You two seem to hit it off online. Wouldn't it be n
ice to, you know, get out in the real world with a real guy? Maybe he's hot, like Logan. He's funny like Logan is and you two hit it off like you did with him."
I shot her a look of disgust, a look that warned her off talking about Logan. "And ruin a perfectly good virtual relationship? You're crazy. Besides, how do we know Falcon26 is a real guy? He could be a fifty-year-old perv for all we know."
"Then why are you sharing your private life with him?" Tay asked. "Don't you even want to know what he looks like or who he is?"
I rolled my eyes and pointed to the picture she'd drawn of him. "You think he looks like that. Why are you trying to set me up with him?" I sighed. "I prefer my game version of him. Most of the time he looks like a hot, built knight in shining armor, and that's the way I like it. Reality won't live up to that. Reality will look more like your picture of him."
"Yeah, but if he has wings like Tay's rendering, that might be worth it. He could fly you around." Nic winked at me.
"Shut up. He's made no move to ask me out. Which is what our relationship is built on."
"Yeah, but you can tell he likes you," Nic said. "He's probably just shy and awkward around girls. He just needs a little encouragement." She lowered her voice into the seductive range. "You could make a real man out of him."
"Oh, that's just what I need—to go out on an awkward date with a socially inept guy like Byron." I shuddered.
Nic had to poke some more. "He could be Byron."
"Shut up again. He's not Byron. He hasn't said we have a covalent bond we need to explore our anything tacky like that. Falcon is charming." I didn't know why I was defending Falcon. But I was glad Byron had dropped out of sight.
"Great! He's a charming fifty-year-old perv," Nic said with a sparkle in her eyes.
"I'm just saying, this sitting around with no guy isn't a good thing," Tay said. But she was so happy that she thought relationships were fabulous and every girl should have one.
Just wait until she hit the inevitable speed bump.
"Not meeting him." I stuck my fingers in my ears. "And not listening to any more about it."