Nina’s smile was small but sincere. “Yuck.”
“I want you to leave with me, Nina. And I aim to do that as soon as the airtranspo recharges and Mr. Big Bucks over there agrees to make sure his security systems don’t try to scramble the signals and put it into the water.”
Ewan had considered Al a friend, of sorts, and wasn’t offended by her assessment of him. “Of course. Nina, I always told you that if you wanted to leave, you were free to go whenever you wanted.”
“Because you knew I wasn’t going to,” she said.
At that, Al backed away with her hands in the air. “This has the smell of a lovers’ quarrel. I’m out. I’ll be wandering around, looking in your closets and finding the stuff you don’t want anyone else to see.”
Nina waited until Al had left the kitchen before she turned to go, too. Ewan stopped her with a hand on her elbow, barely brushing her sleeve instead of grabbing. She stopped, but did not turn.
“I love you,” Ewan told her. “If nothing else, please believe that.”
* * *
The memories had not come rocketing back to her all at once, the way she’d always thought they would. Nina couldn’t quite describe them as returning in bits and pieces, either. Her past seemed to be finding its way back to her the way the ocean will push and pull at a wall of stones, plucking some away and bringing back others with its returning waves, until there was nothing left but a pile of rubble. Each rock was another piece of her memory, but while they’d once made a towering wall, now they all lay scattered. All she could do was lift them, one at a time, and try to put them back into place.
She had loved him. She remembered all of it now. Flashes of Ewan’s flavor. His scent. The way his hands felt as they tangled in her hair, which had been longer then. Past her shoulders. Each of these memories was overlaid by more recent ones, but they melded and blended together until there seemed little difference between them. She had loved him then, just as she loved him in this moment.
“Did I even have a choice?” Nina ground out the words. Her fists clenched at her sides. She didn’t want to look at him, but forced herself to stare straight into his eyes. “This time around, Ewan. Did I fall in love with you because I wanted to? Or did you manipulate me into it?”
Ewan’s expression turned bleak. Shadows hollowed his cheeks and shaded beneath his eyes. He shook his head. Defeated. “I don’t know.”
It was not the answer she wanted from him. She wanted him to tell her the truth—that he’d somehow influenced her into falling for him again. That he’d used the past he’d known and she had not. Watching his face, though, Nina couldn’t convince herself that Ewan had deliberately tried to harm her. So why, then, did her heart hurt so onedamned much?
“I’m sorry,” Ewan said when Nina didn’t speak.
Nina took a few more steps back away from him, her hands up in front of her as though to ward him off even though Ewan hadn’t made a single move to touch her. She fought for breath. Fought to swallow the rising sting of bitterness burning in her throat and on her tongue.
“It’s not enough,” she told him. “Sorry is not enough.”
“It’s the best I have,” he said.
She forced away the tears, lifting her chin. “You lied to me. For months and months, Ewan. And I might not remember everything, but I do remember that it’s not the first time you’ve lied to me. You think you’re protecting me, you say you love me, but that’s not love.”
He looked stricken. “Nina . . .”
“No.” She held up a hand. “I can’t. Not again. Not anymore. I cannot love you any longer, Ewan. Not when I can’t trust you.”
“You’re going to leave.” His voice was low and rough and rasping and he didn’t look at her anymore. “I understand.”
Nina nodded.
Ewan didn’t answer.
At the doorway, hating herself for it, she turned. “I just have to know. Why all of this? Why, Ewan?”
“Because I love you more than anything in this world. Because I wanted you to get well. Even if I knew that when you did remember, you would want to leave me.”
She didn’t want to. It wasn’t about desire. It was about loss and grief and betrayal, and she didn’t want to walk out the door and leave him behind, but couldn’t see any other choice.
“I can’t think straight around you,” she said. “I have to go.”
CHAPTER TWENTY-TWO
In the time before his airtranspo returned, Ewan closed up the island house. He spent a few hours making sure Aggie and Jerome knew they didn’t need to come back and arranging for a final bonus payment to their accounts. Spent a few more hours checking in with his team and following up on their progress.
Then there was nothing left to do but head back . . . “home” didn’t feel like the right word for it. Home had become the island, but without Nina, the island was nothing but a barren slab of rock. Home was not a place for Ewan anymore. Home would always be Nina.
Still, he had more than one house to choose from, and it seemed like a natural choice to go back to Woodhaven, where he’d first met her. The house that had once seemed perfect for him now loomed large and too empty, but the grounds surrounding it gave him enough room to run and run and run. Every place he ran reminded him of Nina, but Ewan had already realized that everything would for the rest of his life.
He’d come in from one of those runs to find a series of missed pings on his personal comm. He didn’t recognize the number, but the caller had readily identified herself. Katrinka Dev had tried to get in touch with him eight times in the span of a couple hours. The comm was pinging again when he picked it up.
“Katrinka,” Ewan said without additional greeting as soon as the screen focused into view. “What do you want?”
She looked excremental. Haggard, hollowed cheeks, bags beneath her eyes. Her hair had been let to go almost entirely gray. Her expensive synthsilk tunic hung off her bony shoulders.
Katrina gave him a brittle smile. “It’s done.”
“What, exactly, is done?” Ewan asked warily, reminded of their last conversation and the threats she’d made. He was expecting her to tell him Jordie had finally died.
“He’s cured,” she said instead. Her lips skinned back over bright white teeth that seemed too large in her gaunt face. “Although, you’ve probably already heard.”
Ewan switched the call from his personal to the wall comm and went to the bar to pour himself a drink. Water, first, since he was still sweating from the run. A couple fingers of bourbon after that, which he held but didn’t sip as he waited for Katrinka to continue.
“Did you hear me, Donahue?”
“I heard you,” he said calmly. The bourbon spread warmth through his chest. He took another long drink of cool water to counter it.
Katrinka paced in front of the screen. At a distance, her skeletal frame was painfully obvious. “He’s cured, I said.”
“I already said I heard you,” Ewan repeated. “But I don’t understand.”
She faced the screen. “My team found the solution. I had it implanted in Jordie. He’s fine, now.”
Ewan doubted Jordie would ever be anything close to “fine” again, considering the kid had clearly not been fine to begin with. He frowned. “You can’t know that for sure. Not so soon. Not without lots of tests.”
“My son is sane, now. The docs said so.”
That seemed even less likely than him being “fine.” Anyway, sanity wasn’t something Ewan was sure could even be determined, not in the way Katrinka wanted it to be. Ewan tossed back the rest of the bourbon with a grimace and weighed his words before speaking. Katrinka stopped her pacing and waited for him to speak, her expression a twisted mask he couldn’t read.
“He’s been examined,” she said when Ewan remained silent. “The docs have checked him out. He doesn’t have to be kept in restraints any longer. He’s not trying to hurt himself or anyone else. The new programming worked. He’s going to get out of prison.”
r /> “That should never happen. He doesn’t deserve it,” Ewan said.
Katrinka’s smile was more like a rictus. “That’s not for you to decide. I gave you your chance to help him. You didn’t. Now you have no choice in anything.”
“I realize you love your son, Katrinka—”
“When he was a little boy, I thought that if only I gave him whatever he wanted, he would . . .” She coughed into her fist before glaring back at the camera. “He would sit down. Shut up. Behave. I thought that if I gave him the best of everything, he would appreciate it. I thought that if I provided every. Physical. Comfort. That he would grow up to be a son any mother could be proud of. He did not. Did he?”
She sounded almost desperate for Ewan’s approval, but quickly changed her tone when she looked through the screen at his expression.
“Nevertheless, he is my son, and what happened to him was abominable. Abhorrent. He didn’t deserve what happened to him.”
Ewan would never agree with her. Beds that had been made would have to be slept in, as far as he was concerned.
“I made his release a condition of releasing the new set of upgrades. Thank you for working so hard to make sure public opinion is in favor of the enhanced. Imagine what it would be like if it came out in a wide release that they did have a cure, something to help them, but it was being kept from them because of something so simple,” Katrinka continued when Ewan said nothing.
“You want to make your son a victim, and he’s not. He’s not a martyr, either.”
“He is!” Katrinka shouted. “As much as any of those others, if not more. He was used for the gain of someone else, and look what it did to him!”
Ewan shook his head. “He got himself into that situation, Katrinka, and you know it.”
“You’re so willing to forgive your pretty little Nina, but not my son. Well, Donahue, it doesn’t matter, because my team came up with the fix, and yours has not. My son proves it works. He’s going to be released and there’s nothing you can do about it. If I were you, I’d be more worried about making sure your girlfriend is eligible to get her messed-up head taken care of, before she ends up jumping in front of a train or something.”
“The only reason she wouldn’t be eligible is if you made it so that she couldn’t get the updated programming. So,” Ewan said bluntly, “what is it you want from me?”
“I want you to issue a formal public and international apology absolving Jordie of anything to do with what happened to Nina. I want you to make sure that the entire world understands my son was a victim and deserves sympathy, not punishment. I want you to also personally apologize to him . . . and I want her to do it, too.”
Ewan hung his head for a moment, hands on his hips. He thought about pouring another drink, but the first had already loosened his tongue. “For the love of the Onegod, Katrinka.”
“It’s only words.” Her reply became a hiss. “But I should have known you’d refuse.”
“An apology from me is useless, and I guarantee you there’s no way for me to force Nina to give him one, either. Jordie committed the crimes all on his own. If he’s truly sane, he’s going to have to answer to them, now. That’s on him. Not me. And even if he does get released, what difference will anything I say make? It’s not like he needs to go out into the world and get a job,” Ewan added derisively. “It seems to me that you’re perfectly able to take care of him for as long as he needs it.”
Katrinka visibly flinched and turned from the camera. “You know how people are. They talk. They talk and talk and talk. They don’t invite you to the parties. They stop pinging. They whisper right in front of your face.”
“This is about being invited to parties?” Ewan asked, incredulous.
She didn’t look back at him. “You don’t get to judge me.”
Ewan poured another inch or so of bourbon and sipped it, watching the screen. “So I make a formal apology to the world about Jordie and what happened, saying I don’t blame him.”
“And one to him, personally,” she said, and lowering her voice, added, “He’s insisting.”
That made more sense. “Like you said, it’s only words.”
“You’d better make them good words.” Katrinka turned, her teeth bared in something trying to be a smile. “Trust me, Donahue. You’ll want to make sure they’re very, very good words.”
A ripple of unease tickled up and down his spine. “Or what?”
“Or he won’t agree.”
Ewan scowled. “Why in all the hells is it up to him at all?”
“It just is.” This time, her smile had a tinge of sadness. “You’ll do it, though. Because you love her.”
“Yes.”
“Like I love my son.”
Ewan shook his head. “No. Not like that. The way I feel for Nina is nothing like that.”
“You,” she said again, “don’t get to judge me.”
Ewan finished his drink and set the glass on the bar with a thud. “Fine. I’ll have a statement drafted and sent to you for approval. I’ll work on the personal apology. Does it have to be given in person?”
“No.”
“Consider it done,” Ewan told her.
* * *
“My dear, it’s so good to see you!” Aggie beamed and embraced Nina.
Nina took the comfort, closing her eyes and allowing the older woman to hold onto her longer than was probably necessary. With a self-conscious laugh Nina stepped back and sat at the table where she’d been waiting for Aggie to arrive. The older woman had reached out to Nina shortly after she’d arrived back on the mainland. Her son had survived the buzzbike crash and although he’d need a lot of care to recover, he was going to be fine.
Aggie took the opposite seat, shrugging out of a fashionable scarf and draping it over the back of her chair. She looked so different. On the island, Aggie had seemed grandmotherly. Dowdy, even. Now her gray hair had been cut and swept back from her face. She had no electives, but wore a hint of regular cosmetics. No faded dresses and cardigans or aprons for her now. Aggie wore a gorgeous tunic in brilliant shades of blue and green with matching jewelry.
“You look incredible. Gorgeous,” Nina added, wishing she’d taken the time to dress up instead of putting on a pair of comfortable leggings in her usual black. She had worn a colorful tunic top that reminded her of the clothes she’d worn on the island, but she wasn’t nearly as put together as Aggie. Then again, she thought with a rueful chuckle, she wasn’t likely to ever be.
The older woman waved a hand. “Pshaw. I threw something together last minute.”
But her impish grin and sparkling eyes told Nina she was kidding. They both laughed. The waiter arrived to take their drink orders, and Aggie also put in an order for an appetizer platter. The big one.
“You’ll be hungry, I wager,” she said by way of explanation.
Nina’s laughter eased into a small smile. “Yes. Almost always.”
“You look lovely, by the way,” Aggie said.
Nina sighed, and her expression crumpled even though she tried hard not to let Aggie see her distress. “Thanks.”
“Oh, my girl. What’s the matter? Wait. I know.” Aggie reached across the table to pat Nina’s hand. “I know.”
“You knew everything all along, didn’t you? About me and . . . him.”
Aggie gave Nina’s hand another pat and sat back as the server brought the platter of food. She waited until he’d gone before she sighed and nodded. “Yes. From the start.”
“Everyone knew except me. It feels a little . . . violating,” Nina said, but added hastily, “not that I blame you.”
“You can blame me as well as anyone else.”
Nina frowned. “You were doing your job. It was to help me.”
“You blame him,” Aggie mentioned quietly. “Do you think anything he did was for any other reason?”
“I wasn’t in love with you,” Nina replied bluntly. “Somehow, that makes it different.”
Aggie’s mouth th
inned, but she didn’t answer at first as she took up a slice of bread laden with olives and cheese. She tucked it into her mouth and gestured at Nina to do the same. Neither of them spoke until Nina had eaten a piece, then another at Aggie’s insistence.
“Every discussion is easier with a full stomach,” Aggie said.
Nina didn’t disagree. By the time the tray had been emptied and orders for more food placed, she felt a little better. At least until she glanced at the viddy screen set into the tabletop. She’d been ignoring it until now, the sound muted, but at the sight of Ewan’s face she let out a small gasp and turned up the volume.
“ . . . calling for a complete exoneration of Jordie Dev and his involvement with the League of Humanity.” Ewan paused and continued, but Nina’s shock made it too hard to hear him.
She didn’t have to. The ticker line scrolling along the bottom of the screen made it clear what he was talking about. She swallowed a rush of bile.
Aggie reached over and stabbed off the volume controls again, then covered up the screen with the empty appetizer platter. “Don’t.”
“How could he?” Nina shook her head, too stunned to say more.
“If he is doing what that screen says, then I’m sure Mr. Donahue has a very good reason.”
Nina drew in a long, deep breath. “He’s excusing Jordie Dev. More than that, he’s calling for him to be released and exonerated? Aggie. How can there be any good reason for that? I don’t remember everything, thank the universe, but I remember enough to know that Jordie did some very messed up things.”
“I don’t know why Mr. Donahue would be saying those things, Nina, but I do know him as a person. If he’s going public to encourage forgiveness for that Dev boy, he must be very certain that he’s making the right choice. That’s all I’m saying.” Aggie paused and gave Nina a sad look. “Have you spoken to him at all since you left the island?”