She didn’t hate the kind-eyed doctor. But she didn’t like being poked and prodded either. She had no need of doctors just then. She’d spent all her time and energy just not going crazy. Had used up all her skills and knowledge to do so and she was … tired.
“I know you’re wary of him. He’s a good man. There’s no way Julian and I would trust him with you otherwise.”
She shook her head and made the extra effort to shepherd her words into the right order. “Not that. Let’s eat.” She didn’t want to talk about it.
“First tell me if you’re all right with where I’ve placed your chair.” He winked and she smiled at his cheek.
He’d put it just exactly where she wanted it. It was in her favorite spot. Just outside that window was a small garden, enclosed by the high walls surrounding the compound where the house was. She’d begun to yearn for that garden. Sometimes she’d lay on her bed and look out at it, imagining herself out there, her hands in the dirt.
As for the chair? Her chair? Not as secure as having your back to the wall, but all things considered, it might be a place to perch. The afternoon in the sunshine seemed a very nice thing indeed. “Yes.” She swallowed. “Thank you.”
“Come on then, let’s get you eating.”
In the dining area, Julian had put out a colorful spread for the late afternoon meal. He saw her and lost the look of concentration he’d been wearing. Instead he grinned and moved to her, bringing her into a tight hug. She hummed, happy, hugging him back.
“It’s our lovely Hannah.” He kissed her forehead and pulled her chair out. “Sit.”
Dr. Pesch sat across from her. She nodded her hello.
Once they’d all gotten seated and plates had been filled, she realized it wasn’t just that Dr. Pesch happened to be there but that he had something to say. It agitated her that they hadn’t just told her up front.
And she said so. Licking her lips and grasping her words tightly. “I am not feeble. If you have something to say …” She looked down and the brush of hair against her cheeks helped. “You should tell me that.”
Julian took her hand, entangling his fingers with hers. “So fierce. We’re not trying to be sneaky. It was time to eat and we wanted to talk with you about something. No harm in doing both at once.”
“Tell me.” After squeezing Julian’s hand she managed to swallow past her fear and anger to take a few bites. It seemed like all she’d done since she’d arrived in Mirage was to eat and sleep.
“We’re at war. I know you have heard part of what’s going on.” Vincenz helped himself to another spoonful of roasted vegetables, putting more on her plate too.
She had known something was wrong. Clearly soldiers didn’t just show up in a lab with helicopters on the roof, start a firefight and blow the place up on leaving. But she hadn’t known it was war.
“And you need something from me.” Fear ate at her. But for them, she’d get through.
“Yes.”
Dr. Pesch broke in. “You’ll heal. Over time the emotional upheaval you’re drowning in will ease. You’ll remember how to react to non-emergency situations in appropriate ways.”
“Will the anger ever stop?”
Vincenz’s mouth hardened.
Dr. Pesch sighed, sorrow threaded through the noise. “It’s healthy to be angry, Hannah. What they did to you was outrageous. If you weren’t angry, I’d be worried. But it will lessen, yes. Over time.”
Her thoughts were so scattered, it took an immense amount of will to force herself to stay cogent.
“Time you don’t have.”
He nodded. “There’s a new treatment for people who’ve been through harrowing ordeals like the one you experienced. You understand of course that the physical damage is one thing, but the emotional and mental toll is harder to address. It takes time and counseling. This treatment speeds some of that process.”
“Invasive?” Her hands shook so she put them in her lap and made fists.
“It would be three times daily. You’ll be unconscious when treated.”
“D-drugged?” Her heart beat so fast she was sure her skin throbbed in time.
“Sedated. So your brain waves are where we need them for the treatment to work. There’s a small cap fitted to your head. Tiny electrical nodes that would be attached to monitor your physical situation.”
“They had you for almost a year, Hannah.” Julian moved his chair closer and took one of her fists, slowly unfurling her fingers to kiss her palm. He … disarmed her. So gruff all the time and yet when he turned his focus on her all that dropped away. He touched her like she was precious and that helped her listen. “They didn’t kill you. If you were a prisoner, they’d have made to trade you or they’d have killed you. We need to know why they kept you alive.”
Didn’t they think she’d wondered that too? Had wondered if her life had come at some expense she didn’t understand? “I don’t know anything!” The rage boiled up and through her system. They’d kept her and hurt her over and over for no reason she could understand. “I studied viruses. I wasn’t political at the foundation. Do you think I’d betray my Universe?”
The words shot from her mouth like bullets.
Julian’s worried look faded a little. “I think that’s the most you’ve said since Vincenz brought you home.” He winked and she laughed. Just a gritty huff of sound, but it felt so very good to do.
“Even better, a laugh. No, we don’t think you betrayed us. If you had, they’d have let you go, not kept you penned. But we need to question you about what they did to you and why they might have done it. And you are not in any shape to answer those questions much less dwell too deeply on what happened in that cell.”
“We need to know what you know. You may not even know what it is. We have methods to help people go through these sorts of events. I’m trained to help you find what you may not know. But there is simply no way Julian and I would agree to such a debrief right now. Even if you could withstand it.”
“And you couldn’t.” Dr. Pesch interrupted. “The kind of trauma you’ve endured is quite simply, more than most people could have survived with their sanity intact.”
“Who says it is?” She rubbed her free hand over her face, leaving her hair there for long moments. Julian kept her other hand in his.
“You’re the sanest person I know.” Julian brushed a kiss over her cheek and she laughed again.
“You must not know a lot of people.”
Vincenz tutted and waved that away.
Dr. Pesch spoke again. “This will help you. It won’t cure you. But it’ll get you to a place where you don’t pass out from fear every time you see my instruments. I’d be the one to do the treatments, though Julian and Vincenz have both volunteered to learn how to administer the treatments as well.”
Could she do it if they were with her?
“Tell her why it’s experimental.” Vincenz had wariness in his voice, and a little anger. She was glad he asked and more than a little curious as to why he responded that way.
The doctor told her about the newness of the process and the lack of long-term studies. He told her it might result in irreversible damage to brain tissue.
“I want to emphasize the rare part. The longer we do this, the better we get at it. I’m good at what I do, Hannah. Let me help you. Let me help you help us all.”
She understood. Better than they thought she did. “I don’t need a … guarantee. I know how this works.” Her brain. Well, her brain had always been her strongest asset. If she damaged it …
“There is a chance that the treatment won’t help at all. Though I’ve never had that result with a patient. In the end it’ll take longer to heal with more aggressive medication to normalize.” He shrugged. “I wouldn’t be recommending this if I thought that would be the case. This is extreme. Much as your situation was extreme. But all my patients and those treated elsewhere have had forward momentum. Even if it was very small. You’re a doctor; you know how this all works.
I can’t cure you with this treatment. But I can help you find a way to process what happened. And I can help you get to a place where you can help your fellow Federated Universes citizens by being debriefed.”
“What do you think?” she asked Julian.
He grimaced and it made her feel better that he wasn’t so superhuman he could hide his emotions in every situation. “I think it bothers me that you’d be manipulated into an experimental brain treatment by using patriotism. I don’t like what happened to you.”
“Do you think I should do it?”
“I think you should do it only if you want to. I believe Dr. Pesch is a good doctor, good at what he does, and I think if you plan to go ahead, he’s the guy to go ahead with.”
She narrowed her eyes, frustrated. Turning to Vincenz, she caught him watching her and Julian. “What do you think? And don’t say only if I want to.”
Vincenz laughed and he and Julian shared some private, intimate thing, and yet she felt part of it, not apart. “I don’t like the experimental thing. You’re a brilliant woman with a history of doing things that have helped others. I hate the idea that you stand a chance to lose that ability in the future.”
She pushed from her chair and moved to the sink, looking out the window.
“You don’t have to make the decision right now.”
She turned slowly. “I appreciate that, Vincenz, but we know that’s not true. This is rush-rush and my brain is broken. Too broken to be pok—” She wrestled back a sob and hated that weakness. “I’ll do it. Let’s get started so we can be done.”
Her hands shook and all she wanted to do was be well enough to be alone so she could cry in peace.
“I know you’re scared.” Julian stood and moved to her. He slid his palms from her shoulders down her arms, holding her hips. “And I can’t tell you not to be. I’d be scared too. But you’re not broken. And you’re brave. So very brave.”
He hugged her, and she knew she got the front of his shirt wet from all the tears, but she couldn’t help it. Momentarily, Vincenz was there, hugging her from the side. “We’ll be with you. Every step of the way.”
Chapter 5
“I’m going to take this slowly.” Dr. Pesch sat next to her bed. Vincenz had opened the window coverings wide to let the sunlight stream into the room, but it was his presence that held back the darkness. He sat on her other side, squeezing her hand.
Dr. Pesch had already given her the sedative and she felt the cottony numbness fill her from the outer edges to her center. The fear wasn’t so hard to manage. She needed to be grateful it wasn’t the same heart-pounding terror she’d wrestled with only a few hours before.
But it wasn’t enough. As much as she wanted otherwise, what had happened to her still lived inside. The memories fresh enough that she flinched and made an animal sound when Pesch held up the cap. Vincenz kissed her wrist, and Julian rubbed his hands up and down her legs where he’d settled at the foot of the bed.
Pesch fastened the nodes to her chest and set the monitoring machine. The steady hums and clicks brought a sheen of cold, sticky sweat.
“I need to put the cap on. I want you to take a deep breath and blow it out. Do it three times.” Pesch’s manner was calm and competent. But the tears still came until she closed her eyes rather than look at anyone.
The cap fit snug and the contact points shocked a tiny bit when they established contact with her brain waves. It was the oddest thing she’d ever submitted to willingly. The burn in the drip on her hand told her they’d administered the second dose of sedation. Pesch spoke to her, but it was Julian’s continual slide of his palms against her legs and Vincenz’s hand in hers that kept her eyes closed and let the oblivion of unconsciousness set in …
She surfaced two hours later, sitting straight up, nausea and cold sweat an assault. Fear clawed at her, making it hard to see as she screamed, pulling at the cap.
“Shh. Hannah, it’s Vincenz. Honey, I’m here. Calm down. Let me help you get the cap off.”
She slapped at his hands, the memories still so fresh she could taste the stench of the disinfectant they’d used back in the lab. The cold of the walls pressed against her.
Vincenz held her, gently but firmly, as he undid all the nodes in the cap and finally pulled it free.
Not a moment too soon as she rushed out of bed, tripping and falling right onto her knees as she made her way into the bathroom where she threw up the scant contents of her stomach and spent another however many minutes dry heaving.
A cool cloth against the back of her neck then drew her from the nightmare of the dream, brought her there to the place where Vincenz and Julian had let her nest and make a home.
“You’re here with us, Hannah. With me and Julian. We contacted Dr. Pesch. He’s on his way over. You surfaced quickly, he said.”
She nodded, the nausea returning at the movement. “You don’t need to stay.” She leaned against the tile, letting the shock of the cold help push the sickness back. She used the cloth to clean up.
“Of course I don’t.”
But he didn’t go.
Instead when she was ready he helped her to stand and walked with her back to bed, pulling the blankets back and helping her slide inside. The shakes came then and without a word, he got in with her and held her tight.
Dr. Pesch came in and checked her vitals. “As I explained, the first times will be the most difficult. Everything you’ve repressed since you’ve been away from the lab is really just there right beneath the surface. It’ll be the first thing you’ll have to confront. I’m sorry you were so ill when you came out.”
He was gentle and kind, making adjustments for the next round of treatment that she’d insisted she was ready for, but she was relieved when he was gone.
“You can let go, baby.” Vincenz kissed her temple. “Let yourself fall apart a little while if that’s what you need. I’m here to hold all the pieces until you’re ready.”
At every turn, when things got to be so much she wasn’t sure if she could hold herself together, one of them had been there to help her do it. Not to do it for her. But to help her do it, letting her get better on her own terms. She closed her eyes and pressed into him as much as she possibly could. The feel of his arms around her was more than comforting, it seemed integral. And so she let him be.
He’d been on his way back to the house when the sun had glinted off the wind chimes, catching his attention. Julian paused as he listened to the deep hum as the breeze sounded through the tubes, the louder resonant bong as they slid together.
She’d like that.
Julian had handed over the credits and was carrying the package to the house before he realized he’d done it.
She’d been there with them for four weeks. He and Vincenz had watched her try to regain herself. At first she couldn’t leave her room alone, and then Vin had drawn her outside to the small garden the windows in her room and the dining area overlooked.
In between her treatments, she’d made that little garden her home. Vin had brought chairs out. Had made sure she had hats and other protection from the sun. And she’d sit out there with her face tipped toward the light, at peace.
Which is where he found her when he got home.
She twisted in her seat to greet him.
“I brought you something.” He handed her the package and sat alongside her on the chaise as she opened it.
No ripping of paper from her. She always made a slow, steady study of the packaging on the various little gifts he brought home. And when she finished, she would fold the paper into whimsical shapes of all sorts.
He knew the following day there would be a bird or a horse sitting on his workstation. He’d come to look forward to whatever she’d gift him with.
“They’re chimes for the wind.” He stood, taking the chimes up. “Where would you like me to hang them?”
She paused as the breeze kicked up and the chimes sounded. “I can feel that sound in my belly.” She nodded. “Ther
e perhaps?” She pointed at the corner of the overhang at the back doors.
It was quick work and not too very long before the sounds filled the air.
“Thank you. I like it when I can hear things inside.” She said it solemnly and he knew it was a compliment.
In the time since she’d arrived, it had become his and Vin’s goal to make her happy. To help her through the rough spots. They’d opened up the family the two of them had created and she’d fit there as if she was always part of it.
It helped Julian to know that not every part of his life was dark. He found refuge in Vincenz and now with Hannah.
Vincenz looked up from his comm as Julian entered the room. Hannah lay on her bed, the treatment cap on her head, nodes attached here and there; the steady click and hum of the machines monitoring her were quiet enough for him to hear her breathe.
He stood and went out into the main room, hugging Julian.
“Hey you.” Julian smiled and dipped his head for a kiss. Soft at first, then the scratch of his beard against Vincenz’s face as he deepened and his tongue found its way into Vincenz’s mouth.
Vincenz slid his fingers into Julian’s hair, which had grown out from his usual shorter cut. It was long enough to tug to pull Julian closer. Close enough to thrust his hips, stroking his cock against Julian’s. Vincenz swallowed Julian’s tortured groan, suckling his tongue as Julian broke the kiss.
“I take it you missed me too.” He’d been out all morning with Ash Walker, another of the leaders of one of Ellis’s special teams. They’d coordinated some of their efforts and mapped a few new ideas. They’d spent a great deal of time going over the films of Julian’s interrogations back on Ceres and more recently those he’d done with some high-placed prisoners of war. They’d gained a great deal of intel and between the two of them, they’d been able to put some of their plans into motion.
It took him away from home more than he wanted, but it was his job and more and more lately it had felt as if they’d been making real headway.