We’d moved out of our halls and into actual houses in our second year. Despite the fact that we spent almost all our free time together, we’d decided to stay living apart – mainly because we didn’t want to start irritating each other with our bad habits (I was messy, she was a clean freak) but also because her flatmates, Flo, Pearl and Jennifer, wanted to have some sort of all-female, spotlessly clean sorority house. The deal was sealed for Maddy when she discovered that the bedrooms had en-suites – a luxury she was reluctant to let go of. We were still only a few minutes away from one another, both only a couple of miles from the centre of town.
Maddy was in her room when I got to her house an hour later, after a hectic cycle back into town. I found her curled up on her bed in the foetal position, hugging her pillow, with a handful of snotty tissues in her palm. Her mascara had been smeared all over her cheeks thanks to her tears, and her face was blotchy and swollen. Her lips looked redder and fuller than ever as they pouted outwards with misery.
I’d not seen her in such a state since primary school.
‘Hey,’ I said softly, walking towards her. Suddenly feeling awkward in the space I knew so well and in front of the other person in my life I thought I knew inside out.
She sat up slightly, her big blue eyes looking at me in such a forlorn manner my heart dropped to the floor.
‘Do you know?’ she asked feebly.
‘Yeah, he called a little while ago.’ I hated admitting that. Knowing before her made me feel like I was Robert’s accomplice somehow, even if I had only known a few minutes before. It made me feel guilty by association, or like I’d been there and not stopped it from happening.
‘Oh …’ she said, nodding her head as she sighed. ‘What a twat.’
She moved over onto one side of the single bed, and stretched out an arm to me, beckoning me to her. I took Maddy into my arms and gave her a squeeze, trying my best to comfort her.
‘Why’d he do it?’ she whimpered after a moment or two, shifting her body so that her head rested on my chest.
‘I don’t know.’
‘He’s such a fucking dickhead.’
‘I think he’s saying the same thing.’
‘He’s not.’
‘What do you mean?’
‘I think he wants a break …’
‘He didn’t tell me that.’
‘He said he needs time to think things through,’ she whispered with a quivering voice.
‘Oh …’
I had thought it would be a broken Maddy splitting up with Robert when she heard what he’d done. I hadn’t expected it to be him throwing in the towel instead. I’d assumed it was just a one-night thing, a drunken mistake, I wondered if there was more to it than I’d been told. Otherwise, Robert would surely be there fighting to stay with her – mopping up her tears as he begged for her forgiveness. It upset me that he wasn’t. I couldn’t help but feel disappointed with him as Maddy lay there heartbroken in my arms.
I tried not to think about how Robert’s actions would affect the three of us, but I couldn’t help worrying. After all, it wasn’t just their lives that would be altered – it would be mine too. I knew a fracture within the group would change everything. I wasn’t sure how we’d cope. Or, more to the point, how I’d cope if the two of them could no longer bear to be in each other’s presence. They were my rocks, the other two legs of my tripod. The disorder felt, in many ways, worse than when my dad had left – at least back then I had my mum for support. I knew she wasn’t going anywhere. But with Maddy and Robert, there was a possibility that there’d never be a sense of calm again. They were selfish thoughts, though, and, at least for that night, I knew I had to be there for Maddy, when Robert had decided he didn’t want to be.
‘Do you think he still loves me?’ Maddy asked softly, after a heavy silence.
‘Of course he does,’ I lied. I didn’t know what was going on in his head and that was the alarming thing. I’d never felt so out of touch with the guy I’d thought of more as a brother than as a friend. His actions were so out of character. ‘But do you still love him? Could you forgive him?’
She let out a sigh before sobbing, ‘Oh Ben. Why on earth has this happened?’
We stayed curled up together on her bed for hours. I let her cry, moan and shout angry words at our best friend – she really did call him every name under the sun. I’d never heard her swear so much, but heartbreak had unleashed a new side to her.
‘Right, I’m done.’ she said dramatically, hours later, picking herself up off the bed and stretching her face as she swept her hands over her cheeks, shaking her body as though she was shaking the stress away. ‘No more tears, that’s it. We’re going out.’
‘Really?’
‘Yes. He’s not here, Ben. He hasn’t realized his monumental mistake and arrived demanding to sort things out. Hell, he hasn’t even called or texted since he told me,’ she said, picking up her phone and showing me the empty home screen.
‘Well, I –’
‘He doesn’t give a crap,’ she said forcefully. ‘I’m not prepared to go all weak and helpless just because I’ve been dumped by the flipping love of my life.’
As she said it I saw her lip wobble and her eyes glass over with fresh tears, belying the strength she was trying to convey.
‘Mad, it’s okay …’
‘I’m fine,’ she said sternly, mostly to herself as she commanded the tears to back off. ‘Now, I’m going to chuck some fresh make-up on and then I’m going out to get wasted. Coming or not?’
I let out a nervous laugh, ‘Are you sure that’s what you want to do?’
‘Abso-fucking-lutely,’ she boomed.
Maddy
Twenty-one years old …
I took us to the nearest pub I could find. It wasn’t one we’d ever been to before; we usually headed out to places that were nearer to campus where there would be loads of people we knew and a good vibe, but that night I didn’t care for friends or atmosphere. I just wanted to get shitfaced. That’s how we ended up in the Red Fox, a dingy little pub, only minutes away from mine. We must have walked passed it hundreds of times in our three years in Bristol, but never had any desire to venture through its doors. Outside, the pub’s crest-shaped sign swung wildly in the breeze from one hook, rather than two, it’s paintwork was flaky and peeling off, and burly men with ‘England ’til I die’ tattoos puffed on cigarettes while arguing about the football. Inside wasn’t much better with its den-like appearance. A lack of windows made it dark and the little peach-coloured lamps were near useless in their bid to brighten the place up. A pokey-sized place filled with wooden benches, covered in worn-down cushions, and sticky tables. It was uninviting, but I didn’t care. It served alcohol and that was all I wanted.
It didn’t take me long to accomplish my goal for the night, especially since I was ordering double Sambuca shots with every drink we ordered. Curled away in a dark corner of the pub, hidden from the locals, we drank, whined about everything that was wrong with life and laughed at the stupidity of it all. The world was starting to turn into a blurry mess, and that was exactly what I wanted. I wanted to numb myself to the heartache Robert had caused, to distance myself from his infidelity. To forget. It didn’t work; eventually I’d slip back into thinking about him, cursing myself as I did so. I couldn’t help it. It was a pretty big deal to be dropped so carelessly by someone you’d loved for so long. And worse, for them to do so over the phone, telling you that not only did they mislay your trust but, perhaps, it would be best if they were to become a ‘free spirit’ for now, while they were still young and devoid of responsibility. Yes. That was the terminology Robert used. Free spirit … he’d picked a fine time to turn into a hippy.
I hadn’t seen it coming. Even though we lived miles apart, there was never a single time in those three years when I fretted about other girls, not seriously, nothing that was more than playful banter between the two of us. I’d trusted him, I thought I had no reason not to.
/> Hours into our heartbreak-drinking session, silence engulfed me as I stared into the bottom of my glass, hoping it would give me answers to the never-ending stream of questions that bubbled away inside me, that threatened to make me blub once more.
‘Penny for your thoughts,’ Ben smiled, pulling out a one-pence piece from his jeans pocket and placing it on the table in front of me. He couldn’t help but laugh at his own joke.
‘You know, I was just wondering why he’d do that to me.’
‘Oh Mad …’ he said sadly, his face falling with concern.
‘Am I not clever enough?’
‘Don’t be silly.’
‘Maybe she was one of his sporting pals, all trim and toned – am I not fit enough?’
‘You’re being ridiculous, there’s nothing wrong with you.’
‘Maybe I should’ve joined you on more bike rides,’ I moaned sarcastically.
‘Nah …’
‘Am I not pretty enough?’ I slurred.
‘Of course you are,’ he said with exasperation.
‘Am I not sexy enough?’
‘Well, I –’
‘I mean, I’ve changed a lot over the years – there he is looking like the bloody Hulk and here’s me, always eating one or two chocolate Hobnobs more than I should.’
‘Why are you talking about chocolate Hobnobs?’
‘Because they’re always on my mind,’ I moaned. ‘See? Mr Fitness Freak with little Miss Piggy was never going to work.’
‘You’re not little Miss Piggy.’
‘Am I not good enough to be with him?’ I continued. ‘He was the popular kid, what did I think I was doing. He’s so out of my league.’
‘He really isn’t.’
‘What did I do wrong, Ben?’ I begged, persisting to badger him with my self-doubt, longing for my friend to tell me what I’d done to get myself into such a sorry mess.
‘Nothing. You did nothing wrong,’ he said, reaching across the table to take my hand, which he firmly squeezed three times – for once it failed to comfort me.
‘I must have,’ I shrugged. ‘He shacked up with someone else. Some floozy.’
‘You didn’t do anything. You’re absolutely perfect, Maddy.’
‘Hardly.’
‘No, you are. It’s so annoying that you can’t see that.’
‘Oh Ben, lovely Ben,’ I cooed, leaning into him and resting my head on his shoulder. ‘I can always rely on you to make me smile.’
‘You really can, Maddy … I’ll always be here.’
‘If you were my boyfriend, I know you’d make me smile every day. You’d never give me any of this crap.’
‘I’d try my best to make you happy, that’s for sure …’
‘And you would!’ I chirped over the top of him. ‘You’d never have done this to me – you’re too kind and loving.’
‘You’re not so bad yourself. As people go.’
‘Tell me, Ben. Tell me what else you would’ve done if you were Mr Maddy Hurst,’ I said, sitting up and facing him, enjoying the silliness of the conversation.
‘I’d have made sure you knew exactly how special you are and how much you meant to me,’ he said, smiling at me.
‘And how would you have done that?’
He took a few seconds to think about his answer before saying, ‘I’d have started by telling you how much I’ve loved you since the very first day I saw you.’
‘Nice touch, bringing up our history – that’s priceless. Not a soul can compete with a lifetime of memories.’
He laughed before picking up his half-full pint of beer and downing its contents.
‘You’d have been a lovely boyfriend,’ I said, placing a hand on his arm. ‘I totally picked the wrong best friend to snog in Paris.’
‘Cheers,’ he said quietly, playing with his empty glass before holding it up to show me it needed refilling. ‘Fancy another?’
‘Do you even have to ask?’ I cheekily grinned, as I held up my own depleted drink.
I watched him plod off to the bar and wait for the barmaid to come – it was quiet, even though it was a Friday night, but that didn’t make her serve him any quicker, as she languidly continued to clean glasses while talking to one of her locals, oblivious to Ben standing there. Not that he was trying to get her attention, though. He wasn’t even looking at her. Instead, he had his elbows up on the bar and was resting his head in his hands, rubbing his forehead. Something was clearly on his mind – he appeared agitated.
In my drunken state, it dawned on me that he’d spoken to Robert before I had, that he’d already confessed everything to Ben before calling me with the delightful news. I wondered if Robert had gone into more detail with him. Told him something that Ben felt uncomfortable knowing – perhaps also promising not to tell me. In the few minutes it had taken Ben to acquire the barmaid’s attention and come back with our drinks, I had convinced myself that it was the case. He knew things I didn’t, and I wanted to find out what they were.
‘Out with it,’ I practically barked at him as soon as his bum was back on the cushioned bench.
‘What?’
‘There’s something you’re not telling me.’
‘No, there’s not,’ he protested, but the reddening of his cheeks told me otherwise. They goaded me on, told me he was lying, that there was more he was keeping from me.
‘I know you know something about Robert,’ I insisted.
‘I don’t.’
‘He told you something, didn’t he?’
‘No, he really didn’t.’
‘Did he tell you not to tell me?’
‘What is this? There’s nothing to tell you, Mad,’ he said, his voice rising in panic at being put on the spot. His eyes were wider than ever as they proclaimed his innocence, but the clenching of his jaw and the guilty swallowing of bile fought against his claim.
‘You can’t keep a secret from me, Ben.’
‘There’s no secret.’
‘There is. Don’t lie.’
‘I’m not lying.’
‘Then why have you gone red?’
‘Because you’re being an idiot.’
‘I can’t believe you’re covering for him.’
‘Mad, I’m not,’ he sighed, looking more and more distressed.
‘You’re my best friend too, Ben. I know you two have this brotherly love thing going on, but you’re meant to be looking out for me as well.’
‘I’m always looking out for you,’ he frowned, hurt by my accusation.
‘Clearly not if you’re willing to side with him and keep secrets from me. What has he told you? Was it more than one time? Different girls? Is it more than sex? Has he finished with me for her? Because you might as well tell me, I’ll find out sooner or later. I’ll be seeing them together. It’s better if it comes from you,’ I ranted, the alcohol and hurt causing me to push him further than I would normally.
‘It’s not about Robert,’ he blurted, looking shocked that the words had leapt from his mouth.
‘So there is something?’
‘Maddy. Please, just leave it,’ he groaned, looking around the pub as though he was looking for a way out of the very tight spot I had him trapped in.
‘Ben, what is it?’
I was relieved it was nothing to do with Robert, but the way Ben was acting troubled me. He was acting all sketchy and weird – there was definitely something troubling him and I wanted to find out what.
‘Ben, you can tell me. Whatever it is, I’m here for you.’
‘I can’t.’
‘You can tell me anything …’
‘You don’t get it, do you?’ he asked, his large Bambi-like eyes searching my face to see if I had even the smallest inkling of what he was hiding. I didn’t. I hadn’t the foggiest. He looked back down at the floor in despair.
‘Get what?’ I pleaded, taking his hand, my voice calmer than before. I hated seeing the torment on his face.
He took a deep breath to steady himself befor
e he looked up and faced me, his eyes looking straight into mine.
‘I love you.’
‘Of course you do. I love you too,’ I smiled, stupidly tapping him on the nose in a childish manner, a cringeworthy reaction to his words.
‘No, not like that,’ he said, getting frustrated with himself, or perhaps at me. ‘Maddy, I mean it, I really love you.’
I suddenly felt very sober as I watched my best friend literally spill his heart out. It was the last thing I expected to hear that day, but then again, I didn’t expect to get a call from my boyfriend telling me he’d cheated as he promptly ended our relationship either. It was a day of surprises.
‘But –’
‘Yes, I know, I know. Things are how they are … but if I had to wait a lifetime to be with you I would, because you’re the one I’ve always wanted to be with.’
‘You don’t mean that, Ben.’
‘I do.’
‘You can’t … you’re just drunk.’ I tried to laugh but the seriousness of the situation caused it to bubble in my throat and wither away.
‘I always have, though. You’ve always been the girl for me.’
With that, he leaned forward and gently placed his hand on my cheek, his thumb brushing lightly against my skin. He paused and looked at me, really looked at me, inspecting my face with what could only be described as love and wonder. It was a look filled with meaning, the first time he was allowed to look at me with his heart open and the pretence dropped. The change and intensity enticed me. I could feel myself mirroring him, fascinated by the shift of emotion that felt strange yet familiar all at once – I knew that face, I knew him, but there was a new depth that I felt compelled to explore. It excited me. Thrilled me. Drew me in.
He edged his face closer to mine, focusing his eyes on my lips, that were just centimetres from his, and paused once more – something that wasn’t done on purpose to add suspense, but because he was nervous. As was I.
‘You okay?’ he asked, looking back up at my eyes.
I nodded, knowing what was about to happen, not wanting to stop it.