‘Why are you here?’ I asked, unable to hide my annoyance, my voice surprisingly cold.
‘To make things right.’
‘Why didn’t you come yesterday?’
‘I was confused. I wasn’t thinking straight,’ he conceded.
‘And now you are?’
He looked up at me with a sorrowful expression. ‘I sat at home for a few hours thinking about it all – not only what I did, but about what I said to you afterwards. I drove over as soon as I’d talked some sense into myself. I’ve been here all night.’
‘So I see.’
‘I know I fucked up,’ he said exasperatedly, starting to get up off the bed. ‘I know I’ve been a complete dick, but we can get through this, Maddy. I know we –’
‘What if I don’t want to?’ I interrupted.
The colour drained from his face as it dawned on him that the situation wasn’t as simple as he’d thought – he couldn’t just waltz in and expect all to be forgiven.
‘What do you mean? Mad, he said –’
‘I’m going to have a shower,’ I said quickly, ducking away from him as he came closer, swiftly closing the bathroom door behind me before he had a chance to reach for me.
‘I was wrong. I’m so sorry,’ he said through the door. ‘Please forgive me.’
I stood and listened to him as he started to quietly sob. I hadn’t heard Robert cry in years – not since he fell and he broke his leg, but even then he managed to maintain a certain amount of composure. A gentle bang as his head rested on the door and the sound of his hands brushing against the frame broke my heart further as I pictured him standing just inches away from me, caressing the wood as he tried to get to me, to bring me back to him. Ignorant to the fact that not only had he chucked my heart away, but that someone else had been there, ready to catch it when he had.
The awful thing was that although he was feeling sorry for his crime, I wasn’t for mine – and that devastated me. Yes, he’d done wrong, but at least he was facing up to it. Thanks to Ben, I totally understood how quickly and easily something like cheating could happen. Yes, what I had done was far worse because I had an absolute lack of remorse. At least Robert had the human decency to show guilt.
‘Please, Maddy. You have to forgive me …’
I was forced into feeling ashamed as I stood in my bathroom and listened to my woeful boyfriend. When I couldn’t bear to hear any more I stripped off and got in the shower. Battling with my thoughts as I placed my head under its piping-hot water, sinking down to sit in the shower tray as the liquid continued to run over my body. Doubt seeped in as I became more and more unsure of what it was that I wanted – or, more importantly, who.
I wondered whether I should have come clean with Robert, and begged for forgiveness, just like he was doing, in the hope that we’d be able to start again and move forward. He did tell me that he thought we should go on a break; that he didn’t know if he wanted to be with me any more. Would it really be that awful to say that I’d messed up too? Realistically I knew it was more than that. I also knew that if I did come clean, I wouldn’t be able to tell him it was with Ben – that fact would destroy Robert, Ben and me as a unit, ruining years of friendship and any chance of us getting back together. But then, I didn’t even know if getting back with Robert was what I wanted. After being so brutally dropped I wasn’t sure if I could just forgive and forget. Perhaps, as we’d grown up, we’d drifted apart. We’d been in different cities for the past three years, living completely separate lives … perhaps it would have come to a natural end at some point anyway. Although, something I couldn’t quickly forget was that Robert, first and foremost, was one of my best friends. I’d no doubt that cutting him out of my life would be more painful that I cared to imagine.
My night with Ben continued to linger in my mind, making it impossible to just forget it had happened. If I stayed with Robert, would I able to blot out what I’d felt with him? I wasn’t sure I could do that to Ben and his kind and loving heart. He’d put his feelings out there and opened up after years of keeping them a secret – I couldn’t face the thought of rejecting him, after all, that fear was what had caused him to hide his love away.
I wondered whether Ben was worth the sacrifice – it would change everything, not just who I dated. It would affect our friendship group, our families – I was aware it would have a massive impact on them too.
My head had become cloudy and confused. Plagued by a million scenarios, concerns and questions, it struggled to make sense of anything.
I was in the bathroom for far longer than necessary, trying to avoid facing Robert and having to make any sort of decision. When I finally opened the door, none the wiser over what to do, Robert shot up from the spot he’d been sitting in on the floor and frantically grabbed for me.
‘Don’t touch me, Robert. Please. Don’t,’ I begged, pulling my arms around myself. I didn’t want him near me, couldn’t stand the thought of being held by those hands that had roamed over someone else’s body.
‘Maddy, please … I love you. It was a mistake; you’ve got to believe me. I don’t even know the girl, and yes, I know that makes it worse in a way, that I’d do that and risk losing everything we have, I just … it was a split-second decision, Mad. I was a fucking prick,’ he ranted in desperation. ‘I don’t expect you to understand why I did it, or what could possibly make me act out in that way … but if I could take it back, I would.’
‘It’s not that simple, though, is it?’ I snapped, his words touching a nerve.
Robert mutely shook his head, looking sheepish and scared.
‘You talked about going on a break …’
‘But, I don’t want that, I don’t need one,’ he said with urgency.
‘What about wanting to be a “free spirit”?’
‘That was just nonsense. It wasn’t even about you, it was more that I couldn’t believe I could do that to you. That I had it in me to do that to the person I love, to you.’
‘And then you just snapped out of those thoughts?’
‘I love you. I love you, Maddy. I want to be with you. We’ve almost finished uni – I want us to move in together. I want to give you everything you ever wanted, for us to grow old together and have loads of kids. I was wrong, I made a stupid mistake, but I know what I want now. It’s what I’ve always wanted.’
As the words tumbled from his mouth I stared at him in sadness and disbelief. If I’d have heard him say those words two days before I’d have been elated, but at that point I just felt pity, not just for him, for myself too. I was sad at the crappy situation we’d suddenly found ourselves in.
‘I don’t want you to want those things just because you’re feeling guilty, Rob,’ I said calmly.
‘I’m not!’ He dropped to his knees and pulled me in to him so that his face was buried into my stomach, his hands grabbing me with desperation. This time I didn’t back away from him. ‘Please, please, give me another chance. You know me! You know me better than anyone in the world. You get me. You know me.’
‘Which is why this is so hard!’ I moaned.
‘You have to forgive me, Maddy. Please.’
‘I don’t know if I can …’
‘But say you’ll try …’ he looked up at me and I saw a glimpse of the nine-year-old boy I first met, all bravado and cockiness evaporated. His little slit eyes were the widest I’d ever seen them as they desperately begged, literally begged. I was shocked to see him looking so broken. How on earth had we come to that? Our relationship had been so placid, so strong, so secure – referred to as perfect by others – and then, in the space of twenty-four tiny hours, all those years of togetherness had been blown apart. It didn’t seem to have any logic to it.
I was so confused. All I knew in that moment was that I didn’t want to hurt Robert. After years of being with him, I didn’t want to crush him the way he’d crushed me. I loved him. I couldn’t refuse him and break his heart. I couldn’t be that cold.
I cupped
his head and pulled it in to me, cradling it against my stomach. I couldn’t find any words, but the gesture was enough for him.
‘Thank you, Maddy. Thank you,’ he wept, squeezing his arms even tighter around my body. ‘I promise I’ll never be such an idiot ever again. I never want to lose you.’
I felt three tears roll down my cheeks as I thought of Ben.
That afternoon we sat next to each other on my floral bed and pretended to be fixated by the television screen. Four hours worth of Come Dine With Me was watched as though it was the most interesting thing to ever grace the airwaves. In reality, neither of us cared whether Moira from Hull’s triple-baked cheese soufflés rose to the occasion or not, but focusing on it stopped us from having to focus on each other and the mess we were in. Although, it didn’t stop Robert from trying his best to lift us out of the sombre mood– trying to make light conversation (about Moira and her soufflés, ‘Oh no, they’re going to collapse, poor woman’), or by offering to make us cups of tea every five minutes. I wasn’t ready to pretend everything was normal and happy, but I didn’t want to spend all afternoon talking about it either. I was tired, irritated and, I’d almost forgotten, hungover. I just wanted to sit in silence and avoid life for as long as I could.
Bodily contact between us was kept at a minimum, something which was unusual for us, as we were always snuggling up or at least holding hands. We were always connected in some way, but that afternoon we sat apart – Robert with his body facing mine (looking eager to lessen the distance between us in his remorseful way), me sat rigid, with my legs curled up, facing the telly straight on. It pains me to say it, but I basically ignored him as much as I could.
I told myself that once Robert had left for Nottingham I’d have time to think things through properly, maybe even talk to Pearl. I knew she was hard to shock, able to keep a secret and good with her advice. If I wanted to talk to any of the girls about it, she’d be the best to go to, definitely – especially as she wouldn’t judge me or get all self-righteous. She was far from a saint herself – something Robert was right about.
I also wanted to talk to Ben, see what he was thinking or feeling. Up until that point, in the twelve years Robert and Ben had been in my life, not a single major decision had been made before talking to one or both of them. Now that it was all on my own head, I felt bewildered and panicked.
‘These are awesome,’ Robert encouraged as he attempted to start up yet another meaningless conversation after coming back from the kitchen with yet another tea round. He was looking up at my latest photographs that I’d hung on the walls.
They were portraits of a whole mixture of people (students, teachers, shopkeepers, children, etc.), anyone I could rope into having their faces painted with an array of wild animals and walk through town – there was even a priest with a tiger guise, a shot I was particularly proud of. All of them were rather striking and meant to encapsulate the wild side in all humans that we keep hidden, the idea being that the animalistic side of us is still there somewhere deep inside – we’ve just learned to conform to what is socially acceptable.
Ben was one of my volunteers and I’d asked him to be a deer – it had been my one and only time to turn him into the Bambi I’d always thought of him as with his big brown eyes. As Robert pointed out the portraits and scanned the different faces, Ben’s face seemed to be bigger than anyone else’s. It grabbed my attention and made me feel paranoid as it looked back at me, teasing me as if the picture was about to tell Robert the truth. I knew it was my mind playing tricks on me, that all the portraits were identical in size, but that didn’t stop it from freaking me out with its torment. It made me feel itchy.
‘They’re really great,’ he nodded with forced enthusiasm.
‘Cheers …’ I mumbled.
I watched him in my peripheral vision, biting his lip and running his fingers through his hair and knew he was desperately searching for something else to say. Some new reason to talk and engage me in any way that wasn’t instantly crushed by the sense of foreboding that we were clearly drowning in. It wasn’t that he was deluded to hope for things to go back to normal instantly, more that the reality of the whole thing was too depressing for him to dwell on. He was a doer – put a problem in front of Rob and he tried his best to fix it. It was no doubt infuriating for him to be in a situation (one formed from his own doing) that couldn’t be sorted so easily. Even by Rob.
‘Do you want to go somewhere? Do something?’ he endeavoured, turning to me, clearly finding the day as agonizingly painful as I was. ‘We could call Ben. See if he wants to do something.’
He looked back up to the picture on the wall. He had seen it. To some extent I was right, that glossy little print had screwed me over, but in reality I knew he was suggesting it in the hope of digging us out of the awkward hole we’d painfully dug ourselves into. He was suggesting anything he could think of in the hope that something would work to erase the unpleasant feeling in the room. Little did he know he was making it worse.
‘I’m sure he mentioned some work he has due in for Monday …’ I lied.
‘We could still ask. Knowing him, he’s already done it anyway.’
‘You know what, I’m happy here,’ I shrugged, snuggling back into my pillows.
‘It’s a sunny day, Maddy, a bit of air would probably do us good,’ he said, reaching for his phone.
‘We don’t have to ask Ben along, though.’
It was an odd thing for me to say to Robert, and I knew it. I’d never had a problem with asking Ben to join us before. In fact, it was usually me encouraging Robert to invite him. The comment didn’t go unnoticed; Robert became shame-faced once more. His upbeat pretence dropped.
‘Is everything okay? Is he mad at me?’
‘No. I don’t think so,’ I said, trying to hide the panic from my voice. I did not want to be talking about Ben to Robert. I also did not want to be in a situation where the three of us had to hang out together.
‘Are you sure? I feel bad the way I put him in the middle like that. I shouldn’t have. I didn’t even think before phoning him. He no doubt thinks I’m a complete dick now. I would.’
‘Robert, I’m sure he’s fine. He’s just busy, that’s all.’
He looked from me down to his phone with hesitation. ‘You know what, I’ll call him anyway. It would be good to just speak to him. He’ll be worried.’
My heart sank as Robert dialled, put the phone to his ear and wandered out of my room. From the hallway I could hear him talking but he was back in the room within seconds.
‘Answer machine,’ he muttered.
I felt relieved.
When the following evening finally came and it was time for Robert to head back to Nottingham, he didn’t want to go. He put it off as late as possible, hating having to leave when everything felt so unresolved. He had tried his best to hold everything together, to bandage us back into one piece with his earnest attitude, but even he wasn’t sure if he’d done enough. He couldn’t take our mistakes away, no matter how hard he wished he could.
When it was time to say goodbye he hugged me tighter than ever, still trying his best to knock down the barrier that had been built between us. It was futile to try so early. I needed time, space.
What am I saying?
I wasn’t sure what I needed.
I just wanted him gone.
I hadn’t been alone for more than fifteen minutes when a letter was slid through the crack at the bottom of my door. It was from Robert.
Maddy,
When we first kissed in Paris our love required a leap of faith. We didn’t know what was going to become of those strange teenage emotions that had taken over. It was scary voyaging into the unknown but we had each other for support as we put aside our fears and trusted that our feelings would lead us to the place we were meant to be.
I’ve never regretted that moment, or doubted the love in our relationship, nor have I ever questioned our future together. I need you to know that what happ
ened was not because I do not want to be with you, more that I’m a fool who made the most momentous mistake of his life.
I’m prepared to spend the rest of forever fighting to put things right – to make you see that I’m your Robert. The one you deservedly put so much trust in, and who promised to love you forever.
All I ask is that you take another leap of faith with me, like you did five years ago, although this time, I promise to never let you go.
Yours forever,
Robert xxx
In fact, I was pretty sure she did end up preferring his company to mine on occasions, but he brought her back to me in one piece once our university days were through, so I’d like to take this opportunity to say thank you to Ben, for that. Without him there, who knows what might have happened. She could have been whisked off her feet by an utter charmer and this day would never have happened.
Ben
Twenty-one years old …
‘Hey, mate. Look, so sorry about all this. I shouldn’t have phoned you first and put you in the middle like that. I’m over at Maddy’s now. Wanted you to know everything’s okay, we’re just talking things through. Really want to see you before I go back. Give me a call. Oh, and thanks for looking after her last night. You’re a true gent.’