‘Oh don’t worry,’ Alice laughed at Robert. ‘It’s only because they were together that I thought that … there was clearly no chemistry whatsoever.’
My eyes flicked up at Ben, who was looking at me for the first time that night. For a split second the guard he’d put up slipped away and I could see the real Ben exposed, full of love and honesty. It was as though a magnetic force had been switched on, drawing me to him, making it near impossible to look away. It was a dangerous look to share in public. I felt ashamed as my insides tingled at the connection. I had thought being in the company of others would stop that feeling arising, that we’d be able to lock it away. But it seemed the inappropriateness of it made it more intense, and left it to linger and grow like an unattended fire.
‘At least he’s keeping other prowling guys away for you, Robert,’ giggled Alice.
My eyes darted down to my food and stayed there, unable to look up. I felt Robert shamefully stiffen next to me and Ben shifted in his seat uncomfortably opposite.
Not noticing the sudden change in mood, or the fact that we’d all ventured into silence, Alice continued to place her petite foot even further into her mouth, ‘That’s what friends are for, though. Shame they haven’t had someone returning the favour in Nottingham.’
A weak ‘Ha’ was all Robert could muster in reply. I almost felt sorry for him.
‘Must be tough being away from these two, though,’ she smiled, turning to Ben and me. ‘From what I’ve heard you’re quite the terrible threesome.’
It was clear that Ben hadn’t told Alice anything about recent events in our group. I suspect it was a case of where to start and at what point to stop. She’d meant nothing scathing by her comments, she was just trying to make friendly conversation.
‘Life’s been very different, that’s for sure,’ I nodded.
‘I bet Robert can’t wait to get the crew back together.’
‘Yeah, you’re right,’ he agreed, seeming to relax.
‘So what are your plans? For after?’
‘We haven’t really talked about it yet,’ I said, purposely being vague to end the conversation there.
‘What would you like?’ Alice asked Robert.
‘I’d love us all to move to London. Maybe get a little flat or something.’
‘Really?’ I asked, in as bright a tone as I could muster, giving him a little warning look.
‘Well, it’s something we always talked about when we were younger, you know, moving in together as a trio …’ he shrugged, trailing off, unable to hold eye contact with me.
‘We haven’t talked about that for years,’ laughed Ben nervously, clearly as thrown as I was. ‘I’ve no idea what I’ll be doing …’
It was something that we had talked about a lot, but only when we were incredibly young – mostly before me and Robert had even started dating. It was a topic that, especially once we knew we were going to different universities, had been dropped. None of us knew realistically what the future was going to bring, we hadn’t even talked about what came after our scrolls of paper were handed out at graduation.
Alice continued to push the idea, much to my discomfort.
‘Are you telling me that if Rob found you all an awesome pad somewhere amazing you’d give up the opportunity to live with your two bestest buds? As if!’ she laughed, looking at us as though we’d gone mad.
‘I guess it depends on a few things, and besides, things change,’ I smiled, hoping that the conversation would be dropped. In the end I decided to turn the topic of our futures back onto her – it seemed the safest way to stop me losing my rag. ‘What about you, Alice? What are you going to do?’
‘Well, I’m from Essex so I’ll probably be heading back over that way. I’ve always fancied getting a place somewhere more central, though. Plus, most magazines and stuff are based in London, so it makes sense for me to be there.’
I glanced over at Ben to see him nervously looking around the bowling alley.
‘We should probably play the next game,’ he said, looking at his watch. ‘We’ve not got long left!’
‘I’m gonna kick arse this time,’ giggled Alice. ‘I can tell!’
‘Good luck with that,’ laughed Robert politely, clearly relieved to be getting back on his feet and away from the conversation.
As soon as we’d said goodbye to Ben and Alice and got into his car, Robert turned to me with his eyebrows raised.
‘So, what do you think?’ he asked, popping on his seatbelt.
‘She’s adorable.’
I really meant it too, even if it was painful for me to admit. Alice was bubbly and sparkly – a pleasure to spend time with. I understood what Ben saw in her, although I’d been shocked to see how different she was to me. We weren’t alike in any way – appearance or personality. It bothered me and I couldn’t put my finger on why – I hadn’t expected a carbon copy, but I had thought she’d have a least a few qualities in common with me. In reality, I felt decidedly average around her, which irked me after Ben had made me feel so special.
‘Ben seems really happy,’ Robert added, starting the engine and pulling out of the parking space.
‘Yeah.’
‘I was really nervous about seeing him.’
‘Really?’
‘You know how protective he is over you – I half expected him to lamp me one.’
‘He wouldn’t do that,’ I half laughed, half squeaked, in shock.
‘You never know …’
‘Things were fine, though, right?’
‘I don’t know. He seemed a little distant at first.’
‘What, when you guys were jumping all over each other like apes?’ I tried to joke.
‘No, after that. When we were stood at the counter, it was like he had something on his mind. Maybe that’s just me reading too much into it, looking for signs that something was wrong,’ he frowned, nibbling on his lower lip.
‘Must be,’ I muttered.
It was possible that, like me, Ben had struggled with us all being together and acting as though everything was normal. It was also likely that being stood next to Robert once again had reminded him of our betrayal.
‘He didn’t say much about us all moving in together, did he?’
‘None of us did really …’
‘Do you reckon he wants to?’
‘We haven’t even decided what we’re doing yet.’
‘I know, but I assumed –’
‘We’ve been through a lot lately, Rob,’ I snapped.
I hated myself for saying that, especially as I’d not said it purely because I was still angry at him, more because I wanted him to drop the subject, at least until I could figure out a good reason for us not to live together. There was, after all, no way I was going to be able to live with both Robert and Ben. Just the thought of us all under the same roof was enough to make me feel queasy. The idea was completely inconceivable.
‘But we’re fine now, aren’t we?’ Robert asked with sadness. We hadn’t even made our way out of the car park yet, he was still trying to work his way around its one-way system.
I looked ahead as I thought about his question. ‘I hope we will be, but things take time. You can’t just magic us back to normal. Too much has happened,’ I exhaled.
‘Yeah,’ he nodded sadly, my words deflating him.
‘Anyway, I’m sure Ben won’t want to live with us when we’re in the midst of coming through all of that,’ I reasoned.
‘I guess so …’
He pulled over and turned to me, gently taking my hand in his.
‘You know how sorry I am about the whole thing, Maddy,’ he said softly. His face was a picture of regret and sorrow, as his eyes searched mine. ‘I love you with my whole heart. It’ll never ever happen again. No one else could hate me more than I do for it. I was an absolute jerk.’
‘It doesn’t matter,’ I said dismissively, annoyed that we were talking about his mistake once more.
‘It does because I hur
t you. I was wrong,’ he persevered, lifting my hand to his lips and kissing it. ‘I want you and me to live together, Mad. It’s that simple.’
He pulled my hands into his chest and cradled my arms, causing my body to lean towards his. He kissed my lips softly.
It was the first time he’d kissed me since his confession, and the simple gesture made me feel overwhelmingly sad, reminding me of the love we’d shared and were close to throwing away. I knew there was something special, comfortable and loving between us – I just had to allow him to work his way through that barrier I’d built so that I could start seeing it again.
Ben
Twenty-one years old …
After our interesting double date, I walked Alice the short distance back to hers. Her front door was already in view when she turned to me and asked me in.
‘Is it wise?’ I asked, not wanting to take advantage. Up until that point we’d still been trying to keep things respectable by going on dates and getting to know each other properly. Not only was Alice a welcome distraction from other things that were going on, she was also great to be around. She lightened my mood and made the world seem like a less complicated, happier place. I wouldn’t say she made me forget, but she certainly made me think about the Maddy situation a lot less.
‘I think, now that we’re several dates in, we can resume where we started,’ she said with a cheeky grin.
‘Oh, really?’
‘Or, if you don’t fancy that, we could chill on the sofa, watch a movie …’ she teased.
‘Your first offer was a bit more tempting, but I’ll take either.’
I excitedly followed her inside.
She’d been wonderful that afternoon, full of all the charm and warmth that had attracted me to her in the first place. I needed to see her like that around Robert and Maddy, I needed to see that I had someone of my own who was special at last.
‘So, do you think they like me?’ she asked, once we were in her room and lying on her bed, facing each other – one of her housemates that I didn’t know was watching TV in the lounge, so we’d decided to go up to her room instead – well, that was our excuse, anyway, but we both knew that was where we preferred to be.
‘They loved you.’
That was definitely true of Robert, who wasted no time in leaning in and telling me how fit he thought she was, although later on he’d also winked at me whenever Alice did something funny or cute – she’d effortlessly won him over. As for Maddy, well, I’d watched her around Alice, I wanted to gauge her reaction for some reason – see how she responded to me being there with someone else. She seemed fascinated by her and watched her keenly for most of the afternoon with intrigue. I was surprised Alice had failed to notice.
‘You sure?’
‘What’s not to love?’
‘Whoa there, tiger, with the love talk!’ she giggled.
Putting my hands on her hips, I pulled her on top of me and gave her a kiss.
‘Before we get carried away … I have something for you,’ she said, untangling herself from me as she pulled a large present from the side of her bed, offering it to me with a smirk.
‘What’s this?’ I asked her, looking at the neatly wrapped gift and juggling it around, trying to work out what it was – it was soft and made no sound when I shook it; I had no idea what she was giving me.
‘It’s only something small,’ she shrugged. ‘I just thought it would make you smile.’
I tore apart the blue wrapping paper to find a koala onesie and couldn’t stop myself from grinning as I kissed her once more to say thank you. It was the most thoughtful gift I’d ever received, I couldn’t help but be blown away by the gesture.
‘You really are the cutest little thing,’ I said, cupping her face with my hands.
‘Why, thank you! Once you experience the joy of this onesie, I swear it’ll be hard to get you out of it.’
‘Oh, but I hope you’ll try.’
‘Ben!’ she squealed with laughter, giving me a playful slap on the arm.
‘I’m joking … sort of. Seriously, though, thank you. It’s so sweet of you.’
‘Not really, it just gives me an excuse to wear my onesie around you and not feel stupid.’
‘Ooh, ulterior motives, Miss Turner?’
‘Made sense for when you finally managed to make your way back into my bedroom.’
‘Crafty.’
As we sat there grinning at each other a thought popped into my head. ‘Actually, Alice, I have to go home next weekend, for Maddy’s dad’s fiftieth. Fancy coming?’
If I’d spent a little more time thinking about it I’d probably have concluded it was a bad idea, but I hadn’t. Sitting in front of her, basking in her sunshine, it seemed like a perfect idea.
‘I can’t just turn up uninvited.’
‘I’m inviting you.’
‘You can’t do that.’
‘I can, I was given a plus one on the invite.’
‘But I don’t know anyone.’
‘Alice, I’m trying to ask you to come home with me and meet my mum, would you not make it so difficult?’
‘Oh! I forgot she’d be there,’ she giggled. ‘I’d love to.’
Every social event, ever since Maddy and Robert had become an item, had turned into me being asked a million questions about my love life, which ultimately would turn into me being given sympathetic looks and told not to worry because ‘it’ll happen’ if I just ‘hang in there’. That’s a whole five years of being made to feel like I was on the reject pile when it came to love.
I wasn’t prepared to receive the same treatment yet again, as I watched Maddy and Robert act all loved up, as though the past few weeks had never happened. I’d decided I was going to have someone wonderful on my arm to avoid the glum chat. To make me feel like an equal and, hopefully, to help me enjoy what would otherwise be a very dreary night.
I knew Maddy wouldn’t be overjoyed, but hoped she’d be able to understand that I couldn’t just watch her walk away from me. I had to occupy myself – keep my heart busy.
Maddy
Twenty-one years old …
The weekend after our double date, we all went back to Peaswood. It was my dad’s fiftieth birthday and a big party had been planned to celebrate. The hall in our local community club had been booked, a mullet-coiffed DJ hired and a few dozen blue and silver helium balloons had been puffed up for decoration.
After all the drama of the previous weeks I had been thrilled to be going home, back to familiar surroundings where everything was once so simple. However, our calm little house had been taken over for the weekend and turned into chaotic madness. With distant relatives invading us to share in the celebrations, there was a battle over the bathrooms, hairdryers and any tiny little space as we all fought to get ourselves ready for the party.
At seven twenty-five on the dot, once my hair was in a high bun and I’d managed to squeeze myself into my floor-length emerald dress, the taxis arrived. As the rest of the family cascaded into the waiting cars, Mum turned to me with her hand on her forehead.
‘I completely miscalculated how many of us there were.’
‘Huh?’ I frowned, slipping my feet into my heels. ‘I’ll just squeeze in the back.’
‘No, the driver won’t allow that. You wait here and I’ll send someone back for you.’
‘But, Mum …’ I whined, hating the idea of being left behind and having to turn up on my own.
‘That way I can check everything’s okay with the hall before everyone else arrives. Thanks, love,’ she flustered, before giving me a kiss on the cheek and running out the door.
Rather bemused, I sat on the stairs and waited.
After about five minutes, the doorbell rang. I opened it to find Robert, looking dashing in a grey suit, his blond hair slicked back into a stylish quiff. Somehow, despite all the recent events and how much he’d hurt me, he still managed to take my breath away.
‘Did Mum send you?’ I asked, reaching for
my clutch bag.
‘Not quite.’
‘What do you mean … did you ask her to leave me behind?’
‘Maybe,’ he smiled, looking nervous, still wary of how I might act around him. ‘I just thought it would be nice to go together. We’ve not had a night out like this since, well, I think it was our sixth-form ball.’
‘I guess not.’
‘This is for you,’ he offered, pulling a corsage from behind his back. A thick row of gorgeous pearled beads made up the band, on to which was attached a deep red rose. ‘May I?’ he asked, gesturing for my wrist.
I couldn’t help but smile then. It was exactly the same as the corsage he’d given me on the night of our ball three years before, when he had, again, picked me up from my doorstep and escorted me.
‘This is very nice,’ I smiled, appreciating the effort.
‘Thank you,’ he said softly, looking bashful.
Once the house was locked up, I took hold of his arm and let him lead me to the taxi, where he opened and closed the door for me like a gentleman.
As the car started moving and we sat in silence with our hands entwined, I felt closer to Robert than I had in weeks. I shut my eyes and rested my head on his shoulder, allowing myself to enjoy the warmth I’ll admit I’d begun to miss.
The car stopped sooner than I expected. To my dismay I opened my eyes to find we were outside Ben’s house. Not only was he walking towards the car, but so was Alice – something I was completely unprepared for.
The joy I’d been experiencing suddenly vanished, I was back to the same unsettled feeling I’d had before I’d come home. Despite the effort he was making, I instantly became angry at Robert for not realizing he should have just kept it as the two of us.
After a courteous hello to Ben and Alice, I stayed quiet for the rest of the ten-minute journey, I sulked in the corner, allowing my frustrations to rise dramatically.
Needless to say, Ben’s arrival at the party with Alice managed to get dozens of tongues wagging as our families speculated over the significance of it. They cooed over whether she could she be ‘the one’, like Ben’s love life was some sort of prophecy to be fulfilled. It was all anyone wanted to talk about.