“I know. We’d only ever communicated through emails and over the phone. For years he’s been trying to convince me to do an appearance. He finally wore me down.”
“And now you’re thinking of backing out?” he guessed.
“Well, yes, but I can’t. It’s being held in one of the biggest bookstores in London. There are five hundred people coming to see me. I can’t disappoint them. Though I’ll probably do that anyway by freaking out during the event.”
Julian took both my hands in his. “Ellen, what do you want to do?”
I blinked at him. “I want to do the signing.”
His mouth curved into a smile. “Then you’ll do it.”
His confidence gave me confidence, but my words still came out shaky. “I n-need to figure out what to wear.”
“I like your navy dress,” he suggested.
I shook my head. “No, that’s not an Elodie outfit.”
“I know that. I don’t think you should go as Elodie. I think you should go as Ellen.”
I sat back, flustered. “I’ve already met Daniel dressed as Elodie. I mean, he knows my name is Ellen, but aside from that—”
“So what? I’m assuming you make this Daniel a lot of money. He’s not going to drop you just because you wore a wig and a sexy outfit the first time you met.”
Well, when he put it like that... Daniel might look at me funny, think I was a bit of an oddball, but he wouldn’t drop me as a client. Like Julian said, my books were too lucrative.
“You don’t want your first public appearance to be a lie, Ellen. Then you’ll just have to keep on lying, and before you know it, you’ll be drowning in it.” He leaned forward and pressed a chaste kiss to my cheek. “Besides, Ellen is a beautiful, intelligent, funny, and kind woman. Why wouldn’t you want to be her?”
“How do you always know just the right thing to say?”
He kissed me again, this time a little less chaste. “I just know you now. We’ve spent a lot of time together these last few weeks and it’s helped me understand you more, your motivations. I can see you want to be you, not Elodie. You don’t want to hide, but you just need someone to give you that final push.”
And push me he did. The next day, I tried on numerous outfits, several different hairstyles and an array of makeup choices, unable to settle on anything. Julian stayed with me the entire time for moral support. I swear he had the patience of a saint.
I flopped down onto the bed, exasperated. “That’s it, I give up.”
After sitting on the armchair in the corner of my room, watching me try on outfits for the better part of an hour, Julian finally stood. Without a word, he picked up a pair of jeans, a sleeveless white blouse, and a pale grey cardigan.
His instruction was simple. “Wear these.”
I glanced at the offered clothes. “But they aren’t very—”
“They’re you. You’ll be comfortable in them, they’ll cover up your very beautiful body, and that’s all that matters. Now go put them on.”
I huffed a breath. “Dammit, you’re always right.”
When we arrived at the bookstore where the signing was being held, there was already a line down the street. I swallowed tightly, and Julian squeezed my hand. “You’re going to be fine. I’ll be right here beside you the entire time.”
His reassuring words soothed me. Since nobody knew what E.S. Grant looked like, I was able to walk right into the shop without anyone batting an eyelash. I saw Daniel waiting just inside, glancing at his watch as though worried I wasn’t going to show. Just like the readers outside, my agent didn’t recognise me without my costume. I walked up to him, Julian at my side, and said, “Hi, Daniel.”
He glanced at me. “Do I know y…” his words trailed off as he frowned, squinted, then asked, “Ellen?”
I nodded sheepishly. “Yes, I, um, dyed my hair since we last met.”
His attention wandered over me, probably noting that my hair didn’t look dyed, but natural. It was the only excuse I could think of.
“But your eyes—"
“I wear coloured contacts sometimes. Obviously not today, since I have my glasses on.” My gut tightened. I worried he was going to reject me, say he didn’t believe me and order security to take me out of there.
Instead he scratched his head, lifted an eyebrow and exhaled a breath. “I have questions, but for now we need to get you ready. Come on, there’s an office out back.” Daniel’s gaze went to Julian, as though waiting for an introduction.
“This is my friend, Julian,” I said. “He’s here for moral support.”
“Pleased to meet you,” Julian put in.
“And you.” They shook hands and Daniel led us to the office.
“Did you bring an excerpt to read?” he asked, and I nodded, my throat running dry at the thought of doing a reading, not to mention a question and answer session afterward.
“Good,” Daniel went on. “You’ll also notice a few members of the press out there. The book world is very excited to finally meet E.S. Grant.”
“Fabulous,” I deadpanned.
Daniel chuckled and patted me on the shoulder. “You’re going to do just fine. Everyone’s dying to see you.”
I noticed Julian frowning at Daniel’s hand, where it rested on my shoulder a little longer than necessary. My agent was totally oblivious, but my stomach still flipped at the possessiveness radiating from Julian.
“Okay, I’ll be back in about fifteen minutes. There’s a coffee machine in the corner, so help yourselves.” Daniel gave me a kind parting smile and then he left.
Julian sat down on an office swivel chair. “Your agent has a crush on you. I’d think it was cute if it didn’t make me so jealous.”
I screwed up my face. “You’re imagining things. He thinks I’m a weirdo since I’ve turned up looking nothing like the woman he originally met.” The idea of him being jealous sent a flutter through me.
“Ellen, I know a crush when I see one. And Daniel’s definitely got one,” Julian replied, swinging around on the chair, deceptively casual.
I ignored him and went to make coffee, hoping the caffeine might pep me up a little. When I moved to walk by him, he caught my wrist, rubbing his thumb along the delicate inside. “Ignore me. I’m being an idiot.”
“It’s fine. I’m just…”
“Nervous?”
I exhaled. “Yes.”
“You’ve got this, Ellen, and I’ve got you, I promise. I’ve had you to myself these past few weeks, and now I’ll be sharing you with the five hundred people out there. It’s bringing out my selfish streak.”
My heart thrummed. There was so much I wanted to say, but it all got stuck in my throat. “Thank you for being here. And for everything.”
Our gazes held a moment before there was a knock on the door. One of the store workers ducked her head in. She wore a green polo shirt and a name tag that read ‘Michelle’. She also held a copy of Good Girl, Bad Lady to her chest. She looked from me to Julian shyly, finally deciding that I was the author. Julian definitely didn’t look like someone who spent the majority of his time weaving tales on a laptop, though maybe it was just my glasses. There was no correlation, but they always made a person look more bookish.
“Sorry for barging in, I was just wondering if I could get you to sign my book before the event starts.”
I stared at her, wide-eyed, opened my mouth, shut it again. I’d never met a fan before, so this was all new. I wasn’t sure who was more nervous, her or me. Finally, Julian came to the rescue. He stood and took the book from her. “E.S. would be more than happy to sign your book.” His gaze lowered to her name tag. “Would you like her to make it out to you, Michelle?”
She smiled gratefully. “Yes, please.”
Julian flicked to the title page, picked a pen up off the desk and handed me the book. “Sign away.”
My hand shook as I pressed the pen to paper. When I was done signing, I forced myself to walk across the room and hand it back to her. “
There you go. It was l-lovely to meet you, Michelle.”
She flushed bright pink. “And you! Thank you. Thank you so much.”
With that, she scurried out and I looked back to Julian. His expression was smug. “Now, was that so bad? Were you struck down by the Gods?”
I shoved him in the shoulder. “Fine. You were right. Again.”
Twenty minutes later, the bookshop was full, everybody waiting in the large event area for me to come out. I tucked my hair behind my ear while Julian took my hand and gave it a firm squeeze, then pulled me to him. He hugged me tightly as he whispered in my ear, “Remember, everyone out there adores you, and so do I.”
We broke apart and I sent him a look of gratitude. He had no idea that five hundred people adoring me mattered much less than him adoring me. I was so lost to him now, trying to turn back was futile. And I really couldn’t have done any of this without him.
I mustered all the calm I had in me, running the speech I’d prepared through my head as the bookshop manager made the introduction. I spotted Daniel across the way; he smiled encouragingly and gave me two thumbs up.
“We’re honoured and thrilled to have her with us here today and to be hosting her very first public appearance. Without further ado, I give you E.S. Grant.”
The crowd erupted with excited applause. A lump formed in my throat, my palms dripping with sweat. Julian leaned close to murmur, “It might help if you imagine them all naked.”
An involuntary chuckle escaped me, the humour exactly what I needed right then. He kissed my cheek and ushered me forward. “Go on, knock ‘em dead, tiger.”
I laughed again, shaking my head as I inhaled a deep breath and turned to face the audience. I could do this. These people read my books. They’d come here to see me. They were my tribe.
A small measure of calm filled me as I stepped out onto the stage. The clapping grew louder, but it still didn’t drown out the sound of my heart hammering in my ears. Several cameras flashed from the press in front. I blinked, the white light momentarily blinding. Guess there was no turning back now.
An armchair and a small table were set up centre stage, the pages of my excerpt sitting on the table. I flexed my hand, something of a nervous tick, and walked toward the chair. The bookshop manager came and handed me a microphone and I held it to my mouth. My gaze scanned the crowd, hundreds of faces staring back at me; eager, excited, smiling faces.
I opened my mouth to speak, to say hello, thank them for coming, but my voice failed me. Tears sprung in my eyes and my entire body froze. My muscles felt like lead and all I wanted to do was run right off that stage.
This was it. I was choking. My worst fears became real.
Chapter Nineteen
Julian
Shit.
She was choking out there.
Ellen stood in the middle of the stage, eyes wide as saucers, microphone held to her mouth, but no words came out.
Her agent, Daniel, appeared at my side. “What’s wrong with her?”
“She’s never been on a stage before, and certainly not with so many people looking at her. She’s freaking out.”
His brow furrowed. “Should I go get her?”
He made a move, but I stayed him with a hand. “Wait, give her a minute.”
Come on, Ellen. You can do this. You’re strong. Find your inner strength and use it.
Several more seconds of silence fell, and I almost gave up, but then, miraculously, Ellen spoke. It was music to my ears.
“H-hello, thank you all for coming today.”
I exhaled in relief. I hadn’t noticed how tense I’d been. Hadn’t realised just how much I wanted her to succeed.
“As you know, this is my first ever book signing, so I apologise in advance if I mess up. This is all pretty terrifying.”
There were a few affectionate laughs from the audience. They loved her already, in spite of her awkwardness, or maybe because of it. Sasha Orlando, who was more or less Elodie, was a role model for these people. Maybe they all felt a little like Ellen on the inside and yearned to be more like Elodie on the outside. More confident, fearless, and brave.
She cleared her throat. “So, um, I have a little exclusive excerpt to read for you. It’s from Ampersand, the final book in the series, which will be coming out next year.” There were cheers but also noises of sadness from the audience that the series was ending. Ellen lifted the papers from the table in front of her and started to read.
“Chapter One. Toby sat across the desk from me, hands clasped together, glasses resting almost on the tip of his nose…”
The more she read, the more confident she became. By the time she finished, and the manager came back out to moderate the question and answer session, she was almost taking it in stride. She fumbled her words once or twice, but she didn’t choke again. When the final question was answered, and it was time for the signing part of the event, she came off stage and ran straight into my arms. With her face nestled in the crook of my neck, she sighed in relief. “I can’t believe I got through that.”
I pressed my lips to her hair, inhaling her scent. “I was certain you were about to do a runner at the beginning.”
Her voice was bashful. “Yeah I, um, took your advice and pictured them all naked.”
My smile grew as I gazed down at her. “I knew it. Just like the bend and snap, it works every time.”
Her lips twitched. “I feel like I should apologize for defiling them, especially the people in the front row.”
I chuckled and pulled her into a tighter hug. “I’m so proud of you.”
“I couldn’t have done this without you, Julian. Meeting you, it changed me. You’ve helped me break out of my shell.”
And you’ve stolen my heart.
The thought knocked me for six. These past weeks, I’d grown closer and closer to Ellen. I let her in my bed, and resultingly, deep under my skin. And I wanted her to be mine.
When we went out socialising, I hated it when other men flirted with her. Every part of me rebelled against the idea of wanting to own someone because it went against everything I believed in regard to sex and monogamy. I believed people should be free to explore their sexualities without being confined by backward, outdated rules. But with Ellen, I wasn’t interested in sharing, and funnily enough, I wasn’t interested in being with anyone else either.
Was this what I’d felt was missing, what I’d been yearning for? Monogamy? One person to share my life with?
“Come with me to Devon this weekend,” she said, breaking me from my thoughts.
“Devon?”
She nodded, looking up at me hopefully. “My dad’s getting married. I wasn’t going to bring a date, but…I don’t want to go without you.”
Her dad was getting married? This was the first time she’d mentioned it. I knew her mother died tragically when she was just a toddler, but I assumed her father already remarried at some point over the years.
I stroked a hand down her hair and smiled softly. “I wouldn’t miss it. Now go, your loving public awaits.”
I sat next to her as she signed book after book, smiled for pictures and made small talk with her readers. Sure, she had a few awkward or nervous moments, but she got through it. I felt like a proud parent, but a part of me was also sad. She might not know it yet, but Ellen was out in the world now. Soon enough, she wouldn’t need me anymore.
Ironically, it now seemed that I needed her.
My phone buzzed with a text and I pulled it from my pocket.
Rose: WTF!? Ellen is E.S. Grant! Why didn’t you tell me?
I chuckled to myself as I wrote a reply.
Julian: It wasn’t my secret to tell. Anyway, how do you know already? Her first appearance literally *just* happened.
Rose: I’m signed up for Google alerts. People are already posting pics online. Thought I spotted you in the background!
Julian: You really are a superfan.
Rose: Will you ask if she’ll sign my collection the next
time we come to London?
Julian: Sure.
Rose: Thanks! You’re the best friend ever. E.S. Grant! I still can’t get my head around it :-O
* * *
The train journey to Devon was almost three hours long. Ellen had a glow about her, and I knew it was a result of her successful book signing. She sat across from me, tapping away on her laptop
“What are you staring at?” she asked, sensing my attention.
I smirked and folded my arms. “You. You’re glowing.”
She rolled her eyes. “Shut up.”
“It’s true though. Own it, girlfriend.”
She laughed, her eyes on her laptop screen before they flicked to mine. Her voice was quieter now, more intimate. “If I’m glowing, then it’s all your doing.”
My only response was a beaming smile. She was transformed, and I adored the change in her. It was so satisfying to see her blossom.
“So,” I went on. “What’s the itinerary for the weekend?”
Ellen paused typing. “Um, tomorrow evening there’s a dinner for friends and family. Then the wedding’s all-day Saturday, then home on Sunday.”
“I can’t wait to meet your relatives. Do you have any embarrassing aunts or uncles I should know about?”
She thought on it a second. “My brother Cameron might be rude to you, but he’s rude to everyone so don’t take it personally. Also, my aunt June can get a little handsy with the younger men after she’s had a few gins, just FYI. I think that’s it.”
“Rude brother. Handsy aunt. Got it.”
Her light chuckle hit me right in the chest. I loved that sound.
When we arrived at her dad’s house, Ellen used her own key to let us in. It was a quaint two-storey cottage on the edge of the seaside town of Torquay, also known as the English Riviera. Her childhood home was a short walk from the beach and the July weather made the place even more picturesque.
Growing up here must’ve been starkly different to my own childhood. Mum and I rented a carousel of grotty, single bedroom flats, no garden, no view. Comparing the two was like a study in opposites. No wonder Ellen wrote so many books. This was a place that fuelled the imagination.